Claire1983 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I’ve recently started to question if I’m on the asexual spectrum. I have been working with a therapist for a year now regarding social anxiety issues and I think it would be helpful for me to bring this up but I’m not sure how. I hadn’t started to consider this when I started working with her and I thought that I was straight but my anxiety was preventing me from dating normally. Now that I have some of my anxiety issues at a manageable level, I’m starting to reevaluate my views on sex and relationships. I don’t know if she’s familiar with asexuality but I think she would be open to the idea. I just have no idea how to bring it up. I haven’t talked to anyone about this yet and I’m still not sure I’m identifying this correctly. Any tips for talking about this with a therapist? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Bring it up as you would bring up anything with your therapist. “So I’ve been thinking about ___ lately and got to reading about asexuality online.” Something like that. Then go from there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Podsnap Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 1 hour ago, Claire1983 said: Now that I have some of my anxiety issues at a manageable level, I’m starting to reevaluate my views on sex and relationships. You could use that as an opening. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 13, 2018 Author Share Posted March 13, 2018 So I went ahead and e-mailed her since my next appointment isn't for a week and briefly explained that I was questioning if I could be asexual and told her I wanted to discuss it. I gave her a link to AVEN in case she was unfamiliar with asexuality. That way I don't have to explain everything and she's prepared so we can have a productive discussion. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceEllis Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I'm probably too late to this conversation, but I hope everything went well. I've heard some really sad stories about therapists who were unsupportive of asexuality and claimed it was trauma, fear of sex, or whatever. I hope she treated you with respect and accepted your sexual orientation, even if she doesn't understand what it's like to be asexual. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 21, 2018 Author Share Posted March 21, 2018 2 minutes ago, AceEllie said: I'm probably too late to this conversation, but I hope everything went well. I've heard some really sad stories about therapists who were unsupportive of asexuality and claimed it was trauma, fear of sex, or whatever. I hope she treated you with respect and accepted your sexual orientation, even if she doesn't understand what it's like to be asexual. It went well! She was very supportive! 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
arden_jay Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 That's really good that you found an accepting therapist! I've heard some stories and have always been really glad that the one I was assigned through my uni's wellness program was okay with using whatever pronouns. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 On 3/21/2018 at 4:52 PM, AceEllie said: I'm probably too late to this conversation, but I hope everything went well. I've heard some really sad stories about therapists who were unsupportive of asexuality and claimed it was trauma, fear of sex, or whatever. I hope she treated you with respect and accepted your sexual orientation, even if she doesn't understand what it's like to be asexual. This is exactly what I’m afraid may be in the works with my therapist. I’d worked with her for years (years ago) on a variety of anxiety-related and self-esteem issues and had found her very helpful, so I started back up with her recently (to have some support as my probably-leaving-me SO and I enter into couples counseling). I mentioned asexuality (mine) and AVEN in the first visit but it didn’t up being what we really focused on. Three sessions later (this past week), she said something that concerned me: she said she wanted to futher investigate my relationship with my sexuality because, in her experience, “most people who chose an asexual lifestyle have some history of really bad sexual experiences or trauma.” All I could think to say at the time (it was late in the session and almost time to stop) was that, no, looking back I had always felt this way... but I left feeling kind of yucked-out and it’s bothered me more and more over the past few days. For starters, I didn’t “choose” to be the way I am. That’s like saying I chose to be tall. Lifestyle-wise, one could more accurately say I’ve largely chosen an “allosexual lifestyle” as I’ve had sex with my partners throughout adulthood. I might chalk it up to poor word choice but she is normally quite precise in terms of phrasing. I’m thinking I need to ask about it more specifically in the next session... but I’m also looking into queer-friendly therapists in the area in hopes they might be more understanding. The idea of starting over sucks given that she is so familiar with my history but it doesn’t suck as much as paying her to insist on “curing” me. Sure hope the joint therapist is ace-friendly. If not, at least starting over after one session is easier. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 @ryn2 Good luck. I can understand the fear of starting over, but better than wasting time on someone who isn't going to take you seriously. Maybe she'll come around, but if not I hope you can find someone supportive. 7 minutes ago, ryn2 said: For starters, I didn’t “choose” to be the way I am. That’s like saying I chose to be tall. Lifestyle-wise, one could more accurately say I’ve largely chosen an “allosexual lifestyle” as I’ve had sex with my partners throughout adulthood. I definitely understand this. I chose/forced myself into an "allosexual lifestyle" before learning about asexuality and the fact that I was so bad at it was a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Thanks, @Claire1983 - that’s what I was thinking too. Much as I hate the idea of backtracking through everything, I need support with this (not “everything”) now and it doesn’t make sense to go where I’m actually being undermined. My next session is in mid-April due to scheduling challenges so we’ll see... In the meantime I’ll email a couple of other therapists and see how they respond. Looking back with the added benefit of knowing my sexuality it was probably a factor in my anxiety as well. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 Just now, ryn2 said: Looking back with the added benefit of knowing my sexuality it was probably a factor in my anxiety as well. Yeah, I definitely have other anxiety issues but it was a relief to realize this because that's one less thing that needs "fixing". Now I can focus on working around it rather than trying to work through it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 14 minutes ago, Claire1983 said: Yeah, I definitely have other anxiety issues but it was a relief to realize this because that's one less thing that needs "fixing". Now I can focus on working around it rather than trying to work through it. Exactly! And that’s a lot of why her remark concerned me. Hopefully she misspoke, but... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Claire1983 Posted March 25, 2018 Author Share Posted March 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Exactly! And that’s a lot of why her remark concerned me. Hopefully she misspoke, but... Yeah, that would concern me too. It's worth discussing it with her in more detail. It's her job to play devils advocate and discuss alternatives, but the way she phrased that does sound dismissive. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, Claire1983 said: It's her job to play devils advocate and discuss alternatives, but the way she phrased that does sound dismissive. Yeah, I can see her wanting to be sure I had come to a solid conclusion rather than just jumping onto a convenient “fad” (especially since it’s a conclusion I reached in 2012 but hadn’t ever discussed with her), but I was put off by the way she worded it. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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