Elephant in the Room

[Traveler40]

So, I came across this article dated yesterday by way of a friend and just had to shake my head in disbelief. This is crazy making.  How, apparently, do neither see nor address the elephant in the room?  

 

https://www.denverpost.com/2017/12/28/ask-amy-husband-loves-wife-but-is-in-love-with-another/

[Telecaster68]

It's remarkable. Maybe Amy is asexual as well as being gobsmackingly obtuse. 

[Traveler40]

20 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's remarkable. Maybe Amy is asexual as well as being gobsmackingly obtuse. 

Thanks for that @Telecaster68 I don’t know why, but that hit my funny bone. I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants! Too funny, too true.

[Sally]

The Amy column appears in my local newspaper.  She truly is obtuse; it's  like she doesn't really read what people say.

 

[Guest]

She probably just has interns write the responses since the column is big enough for it to not matter, tbh.  So doubtful they are thought out responses to begin with. 

[LeChat]

Hmm. Well, she at the end of the article, she says, "I try not to offer medical diagnoses...," probably because she knows she's not medically qualified to do that. So, perhaps she feels that mentioning asexuality or labeling others who write in as "asexual" would count as "medically diagnosing them."

 

[Philip027]

I don't see what was necessarily wrong with anything in the article, to be honest.  You might want to clarify a little better about what point it is you're taking issue with.

[Telecaster68]

They haven't had sex for 20 years. After 14 years of this, her husband fell for someone else who presumably isn't utterly oblivious to the effect of this. 

[Philip027]

Yeah, so?  Still not seeing what was wrong with what was said

[Telecaster68]

1. Fourteen years with no sex (and presumably no sign it would ever change) is probably one of the main causes of the woman's husband finding a lover and saying he's no longer in love with his wife.

 

2. The wife is utterly oblivious to this, apparently, but it clearly needs to be addressed if they're going to resurrect their marriage.

 

3. Ostensible relationship expert 'Jen' doesn't seem to think it's an issue either, as she hasn't pointed this out to the wife.

[roland.o]

I read "it would take a lot of work and commitment from both of you." and "If there is a lack of will or commitment from either side" and found that quite appropriate. She should make up her mind about what she wants, and how much work and commitment she's willing to put into it. Doesn't look like she's had a mind to do that for about 20 years. That's the Elephant I see :-)

[NoLongerActive1234]

It is way too vague I think to get what really has happened between this couple...Amy's just giving advice based on her interpretation of it. I can't say I see anything bad really with her response. It's pretty good actually when given such little information.   
I read it as if neither of them have actually communicated much or has made any sort of decision of maybe it is time to split up. She, in the sense of not seeming to open her eyes to that there is a big problem in the marriage, and him in the same sense really by not adressing the issue with his marriage by talking to his wife about it instead of looking for love elsewhere or at leats divorcing before he gets into a relationship with someone else. None of them "took the bull by the horn" it looks like and made up their mind about what to do and in the long term are just hurting one another much worse. 

[Cobie]

14 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

... do neither see nor address the elephant in the room? 

What is the elephant in the room?

[Cobie]

14 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

... Maybe Amy is asexual as well as being gobsmackingly obtuse. 

Why?

 

She answered the questions asked i.e. the difference between love and ‘in love’, and what to do. Especially the advice regards the children, I thought was excellent.

[MrDane]

My sexual interpretation of the first letter: they love eachother, but have become more like roommates or responsible parents with a mutual interest. The children have now grown up and he allows himself to receive the ‘act of love’ that he didnt have for 20 years. He still loves her and will hopefully still be a responsible parent to their children, but also wants to be with this woman who also wants him. Perhaps decades more with a woman who doesnt want him like he would like to be wanted is to hard on him. Fair enough. I wonder why the sex was gone, and she didnt really notice? Many questions should be asked before giving a full direction of advice. 

 

Can it be fixed? Should it be fixed? Question is really, is she losing her husband or lose the love of her life, or did she lose him years ago?

 

@Thea2 the elephant in the room= the thing everybody sees, since it is quite big, but everyone avoids. Like the topis about sex!

[Telecaster68]

See my previous post, Thea.

[Alejandrogynous]

Another interpretation: The husband lost his passion for his wife early on and he was the one who stopped initiating sex, which she accepted because she wasn't comfortable asking for it. Maybe having kids in their first years of marriage took its tole on their sex life like it does for a lot of couples and they never recovered. It wasn't an active problem in their marriage until the husband found passion with somebody else. Not saying this is any more likely, but we shouldn't assume that if they're no sex, it's automatically the wife's fault.
 

Regardless, given the lack of information in the question, I think the advice was decent.

[Cobie]

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

1. Fourteen years with no sex (and presumably no sign it would ever change) is probably one of the main causes of the woman's husband finding a lover and saying he's no longer in love with his wife.

 

2. The wife is utterly oblivious to this, apparently, but it clearly needs to be addressed if they're going to resurrect their marriage.

 

3. Ostensible relationship expert 'Jen' doesn't seem to think it's an issue either, as she hasn't pointed this out to the wife.

1 Probability cannot know why this husband had an affair. 

2 Possibly Miserable consented to the affair to alleviate the problem. She is asking about the difference between love and ‘in love’.

3 Amy might not have pointed it out because Miserable already knows; she said, ‘I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years’.

[Cobie]

41 minutes ago, MrDane said:

 

@Thea2 the elephant in the room= the thing everybody sees, since it is quite big, but everyone avoids. Like the topis about sex!

They are talking about it in my opinion. 

Miserable said, ‘I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years’. 

And Amy said, 'You and your husband might be able to ignite the flame of a loving marriage from these lumps of coal, ...'.

[Telecaster68]

Thea

 

All those things might be true, but since the Miserable seems to view 14 years of sexlessness as some kind of act of God and have no idea about 'love' and 'being in love'. She seems almost wilfully clueless and passive to me, especially since they've clearly discussed the fallout from his affair.

[Telecaster68]

5 minutes ago, Thea2 said:

They are talking about it in my opinion. 

Miserable said, ‘I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years’. 

And Amy said, 'You and your husband might be able to ignite the flame of a loving marriage from these lumps of coal, ...'.

She needs to do better than a fey little euphemism.

[Philip027]

Quote

1. Fourteen years with no sex (and presumably no sign it would ever change) is probably one of the main causes of the woman's husband finding a lover and saying he's no longer in love with his wife.

I think you got something totally different out of the posted situation than I did.

 

"We’ve been married more than 25 years and I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years."

 

That implies, to me anyway, that she's been wanting sex.  It's the husband that for whatever reason has not wanted to.

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I think you got something totally different out of the posted situation than I did.

 

"We’ve been married more than 25 years and I’m sad to say that we haven’t had sex for almost 20 years."

 

That implies, to me anyway, that she's been wanting sex.  It's the husband that for whatever reason has not wanted to.

Maybe. But he was the one who had the affair, not her, which implies he does want sex.

[Philip027]

Quote

Maybe. But he was the one who had the affair, not her, which implies he does want sex.

Who said the affair involves sex?

[Telecaster68]

The chances are 99:1, pretty much, don't you think?

[Philip027]

I'd say the chances are a lot smaller than that of the wife being "asexual" or otherwise just not wanting to have sex, considering she's apparently "sad" about the lack of sex for 20 years.  You'd think most people who don't want sex wouldn't be sad at its absence.

 

I also still don't get exactly what was misguided or "obtuse" about the advice given, considering what we have to go on.  It seemed perfectly on point to me and actually addressed the questions asked, whereas what you are saying about the guy's motives for pursuing an affair is pure speculation (something which an advice columnist generally shouldn't employ, and at the very least, not present it like it's fact)

[Telecaster68]

You pretty much have to be asexual to not put 'affair' and 'lack of marital sex' together.

[Philip027]

That is not the only reason affairs happen, even among sexual people.

[Telecaster68]

Not the only one, but a big one. And it's often not just the lack of sex - it's whatever else is going that may have led to that, and the non-sexual person's intransigence over it.

[NoLongerActive1234]

45 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Maybe. But he was the one who had the affair, not her, which implies he does want sex.

Maybe she has no interest in sex in general apart from the person she is with/loves....or maybe she would not wish to make her kids go through their parent having an affair. The fact that she did not look to have an affair does not say anything about her sexual desire.