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Aeriel

I've learned more here....

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Aeriel

Here on this forum I've caught a glimpse of the nature of sexuals in a way that was never possible during the rest of my life.

People are so well-informed now, and so frank about things that were pretty much taboo during my earlier years; no one ever discussed homosexuality, fetishes or masturbation when I was young. Reading the posts here has made me very much aware of the huge difference between my asexuality and the sexuality of the average person. It's been a huge eye-opener and a blessing, though a bit late.

I so wish AVEN had been around when I was young. It would have been so helpful to recognize my asexuality earlier in life.

Anyone else? When did you realize you were different?

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dyyanae
I so wish AVEN had been around when I was young. It would have been so helpful to recognize my asexuality earlier in life.

Anyone else? When did you realize you were different?

I could hardly agree more! Although I know it's useless and unproductive, sometimes I can't help regretting the past just a little. Especially when I think of all the frustration, confusion, and wasted energy that could have been avoided if I had only known more about aesexuality when younger!

I think I always knew I was different, but I'd been thouroughly taught that sex was both a wonderful and natural part of life. So, of course, I tried really hard to be a 'normal' sexual. And failed at it.

Now, I know that in the future I need never feel that internalized pressure to seek a sexual partner. That frees me completely to concentrate on the areas of life that are important to me.

I'd accepted that I was not sexual about ten years ago, around 37, but felt isolated in regards to my orientation. I became, for the first time in my life, a bit of a recluse. Maybe I was afraid I might 'meet' someone and end up going through the whole charade all over again. But knowing there's a name for what I am, and that others have similar experiences and outlooks has given me the courage to face the social world again :)

I'm so glad AVEN is here! I'm happy for the fascinating discussions we have, for the education, and for the opportunity it gives 'younger' folks to live their lives the way they want...not to feel they have to be sexual if that's not what they wish.

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Ziffler
Aeriel...

When did you realize you were different?

I pretty much have always known I was different than the other guys around me. When I was young, I just suspected something was (wrong) different with me. Back then it wasn't being different, it was "something wrong with you."

I can remember going over the my best friends house to hang out and end up playing barbies with his little sister. I played forts and backyard football with the guys to, but I also enjoyed playing jump rope and hopscotch with the girls. So, I definately suspected that I was different than the other guys. In todays world one would think that I was sexual early, by wanting to play games with girls, but that wasn't the case. It had nothing to do with sexuality at all. I never tried seeing any of the girls panties or play naked games or anything like that. I liked playing games with the girls because it was fun and safe. I didn't have to prove that I was macho. Guys back then and maybe still do, had to portray themselves as studs. I was very uncomfortable around that.

By the summer of my 12th year, I knew that I was different. It was no longer a suspicion but a fact. That's when I declared to my family that I was never getting married. That was my way of saying that I was never going to have sex. God has always been a very large part of who I am, not because we were a church going family, because we were not, But just because He has always been close to me. So I have always related sex with marriage. Even as a little boy I believed that sex= marriage, never one without the other. So by declaring that I wasn't going to get married I was saying I was never going to have sex. I was going to be a virgin till the day I die. I made that declaration before puberty.

Puberty, cause lots of trama and indecision in me. All of a sudden I had urges that I couldn't control. But even then, I never thought about or dreamed about sex with a female. It wasn't a part of who I am. What scared me, was that since I wasn't interested in girls/women in that way, then I must be homosexual. In the 60's, being homosexual was the worst possible thing you could be. I was scared beyond belief. It took 2 decades for me to understand myself to realize I wasn't gay. By then, the word gay replaced the word homosexual. So, if I'm not straight and not gay, what on earth am I? That became my next confussion. I believed that everyone was either straight or gay. I knew some people that were both so they were Bi. But I never heard of anyone not being anything. Sexual yes, in that sex urges prevailed and were very strong. Sexual NO in that absolutely no direction to focus that sexual energy. I masturbated like crazy for years and felt guity every time I did it. But it was the only way to release the energy in me. That took another decade to deal with and accept.

Through trial and error and lots of frustration and grief, I have finally come to a place in my life that I accept myself completely and know that God accepts me completely also. So I am at peace.

Now I have found AVEN. And know that there are others in the universe that are like me. For decades I have thought I was alone. One of a kind. Cursed. Now, I know that i'm not alone. Even though each of us, have different stories and backgrounds. Even though each of us, feel differently about certain aspects of our asexuality. We are the same.

I'll throw this in, just to throw it in. It might mean something to someone reading this. My youngest brother is gay. I find it interesting that in a family of 8 kids, we cover the entire spectrum of sexuality. :D :D :D But I remember that at a point in my life, I envied my gay brother. Even though it was still bad to be gay at that time, and still is for alot of kids. I envied my gay brother because he has a focus for the love that is in him. The hardest thing for me, even today, is that I am so full of love that at times I feel like bursting, with no way to release it.

I used to do alot of volunteer work. That was my release. I could spread love around to lots of people that needed it. It never completely satified, like having a special person in your life will do, but at least it was something. But now. It's way to dangerous to volunteer anywhere and share love with anyone. It comes back to bite you, big time.

So, to answer your question. I have always known that I was different.

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dyyanae
I envied my gay brother because he has a focus for the love that is in him. The hardest thing for me, even today, is that I am so full of love that at times I feel like bursting, with no way to release it.

Wow! That's a really profound thought. I never thought of it that way, but it could be true for me too. People tend to automatically turn to me for nurturing, as if they sense that I have it to give. I also volunteer and am devoted to family and pets...living things in general :lol:

Thank you. That's given me something interesting to think about. Although I don't feel too frustrated by it anymore, since I'm spreading my love around a fair bit these days :)

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Ziffler
dyyanae...

People tend to automatically turn to me for nurturing, as if they sense that I have it to give.

Yep. That happens to me all the time also. Co-workers, family members, friends, complete strangers. :D :D :D

I guess the strangest example of this happened last summer, when a boy of 10 knocked on my door and asked if we could be friends. Total stranger. Never seen him before in my life. He hung around thru the summer and then moved away before school started. He was from a family that didn't pay their bills so he was always moving, and his dad was always gone. So for a summer I was a replacement dad for him. Well more like a Granddad. LOL. I found that totally strange in this day and age, with child safety such a huge issue that a kid would knock on a complete strangers door and make themselves at home. But somehow, he must of sensed safety and nurturing in me to have made that decision.

That was an extreme case but at work coworkers are always coming to me to share their troubles and get some encouragement. Likewise with family and friends. Many times when the phone rings and I see who is on the caller ID I know before answering the phone that they need to talk and need encouragement. I am the one they come to.

So, maybe people can sense that we have alot of bottled up love inside us that can be tapped. :D :D :D

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mouth brooder
Ziffler...

So, maybe people can sense that we have alot of bottled up love inside us that can be tapped.

All my live and let die talk is just to cover up how vulnerable my bottled up love makes me feel.

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Retasha
Ziffler -- I found that totally strange in this day and age, with child safety such a huge issue that a kid would knock on a complete strangers door and make themselves at home.

That made me remember... I used to do that. When I was seven, I 'adopted' two old women in the small town where I grew up. I just wandered into their yards and started talking with them, which was something I had never done before. They became more like my grandmothers than my real grandmothers were. Now that I think about it, they were both unmarried... I wonder if they were asexuals?

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Ziffler
diogena.....

All my live and let die talk is just to cover up how vulnerable my bottled up love makes me feel.

Exactly. And I hate that feeling of being vunerable.

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Ziffler
Retasha.....

I just wandered into their yards and started talking with them,

Isn't that the strangest thing for a kid to do, and yet they do it.

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vikingo

You are nice people. I like you :)

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Calla_Lily

since childhood i knew i was "different". at that time, there was no talk of "asexuality". as a young woman, i wanted a long term relationship with a man and i figured that in order to get that, i had to exchange sex for love, but that led to a lot of resentment on my part because i was not being true to myself. living a lie always leads to a life of misery. if a person has no interest in sex, they get labeled "cold" or "frigid". soooooo not true! i crave hugs, cuddling, hand holding...the physical contact that does not lead to sexual contact. that said, i do seem to need more "personal space" than most people that i know. i'm wondering if that is true for most asexuals? it really bothers me when people get in my face when talking to me. i need a little more than an arm's length of distance between me and another person. what about the rest of you?

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Nero laughed
Here on this forum I've caught a glimpse of the nature of sexuals in a way that was never possible during the rest of my life.

People are so well-informed now, and so frank about things that were pretty much taboo during my earlier years; no one ever discussed homosexuality, fetishes or masturbation when I was young. Reading the posts here has made me very much aware of the huge difference between my asexuality and the sexuality of the average person. It's been a huge eye-opener and a blessing, though a bit late.

I so wish AVEN had been around when I was young. It would have been so helpful to recognize my asexuality earlier in life.

I totally agree with that. I've learnt more (sexual stuff) in the last year than I have the rest of my life. I suppose my ignorance was a good thing because if I knew just HOW different I seem to be than most people it might have freaked me out when I was young.

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KAGU143
i do seem to need more "personal space" than most people that i know. i'm wondering if that is true for most asexuals? it really bothers me when people get in my face when talking to me. i need a little more than an arm's length of distance between me and another person. what about the rest of you?

I have a REAL problem with people getting in my face! I can tell that on some level it actually frightens me, but I'm not sure why that would be since I have no problem with people being close to me in other ways. A couple of times I have had a momentary, very brief image or flashback of someone yelling in my face from only a few inches away. I don't know if it truly happened or if I'm just imagining something that would scare the beejeebers out of me. If it DID happen then it must have been when I was too young to form clear memories. There is nobody left alive to ask, so I will always be left wondering.

-Greybird

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Aeriel
I've learnt more (sexual stuff) in the last year than I have the rest of my life. I suppose my ignorance was a good thing because if I knew just HOW different I seem to be than most people it might have freaked me out when I was young.

It might have freaked me out too; but if I'd been aware that I was nowhere near approaching 'normal' in this regard, I think I could have accepted that and been upfront with others about it. It would have saved both me and my partner a lot of confusion and hurt; and it would have spared me a lot of fruitless searching and years of thinking perhaps I was with the wrong person, sexually speaking.

Better late than never, though!

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UnicornLady

For years I just thought I was bi/lesbian with no real sex-drive. And as a historian I have a tendency to fall platonically in love with my research subjects, which is good fun!

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Tanwen

UnicornLady, have you read about Sir Thomas Fairfax - the book written by John Wilson, he (Sir Thomas) was rather good looking.

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jay williams

Aeriel:

I got a question---if I am not prying too much. You list in your profile that you are "Neutrois". What does that mean?

Jay

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