ArcaneSiren Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 I considered myself asexual for some time, but recently I've been feeling more like grey-ace, but I've been doubting my grey-asexuality lately, or just been real confused these past several months. I've been confused what is actually sexual attraction and what is sexual desire. Lately, I've been getting desires, but with limitations. Keep in mind that I never truly desired to have actual sex. No homerun or anything. In a previous thread, I talked about how much I wanted to express my emotions through sexual acts, but this one is a bit more... broad, I guess? In my case, when I see some hot person, I don't experience attraction or desire to have sex with that person. But when I do experience desire in general, it's more of a kink, not an actual want to have sex. I wouldn't get aroused at all if I even do the deed with that person, but I'm still confused, somehow. Maybe it's the THOUGHT of it that I like, expressing my desires and kinks to someone I can trust? I know it's an emotional thing sometimes, too, since I find sex to be a good resource to express the deepest of emotions. I do enjoy the result sex brings onto that person. I like to make that person happy, and that is fulfilling to me. It's kind of like cleaning: I hate cleaning, but I like the result of it when doing it or being done with it. Do some asexuals even experience some type or level of sexual desire in general? I probably know the answers, but I keep doubting myself. I've been asexual for years, and I probably answered my own questions, yet I just can't help but doubt myself. I try so hard to reassure myself, but the doubt just keeps coming back. I'm even doubting myself more after people on this forum keep saying that sexual attraction = sexual desire to someone, even though my sexual desires are kinks that I don't mind experimenting to another person. I still don't want to have actual sex with that person. Sometimes having kinks, yet lacking attraction, just makes me feel like a fraud, and I hate it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Well, asexuals doesn't feel attraction aka desire to have sex with people in particular that make them feel that way. Aces still can have libido, so you can get aroused. Nothing stops you from having sex and enjoying it or desiring it for other reasons, cupiosexuals do it. You can consider yourself gray-ace if you have a low sex drive or if you rarely feel or feel attraction under specific circumstances. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 57 minutes ago, ArcaneSiren said: I'm just confused why I would want to have sex with someone if I'm not attracted to them. There's a bunch of needs that might be satisfied by sex. This article, in german, compiles a list: http://kleinerdrei.org/2017/04/sex-und-beduerfnisse/ I'm not in the mood to attempt a precise translation, but as a rough shot: intensity closeness and intimacy share with sb sth you usually hide show yourself as you are relax switch off, stop thinking, forget sth or push sth aside physically spend yourself express or perceive love feel accepted, wanted or desired be creative, express yourself do something secretive, exciting, possibly forbidden experience a spiritual moment be in control release control experience devotion connect to your body, sense yourself sense somebody concentrate on yourself being needed/used(?) or (allowed to) need/use(?) somebody That list was compiled by a sexual person, mind you. And there's a discussion about the difference between needs and reasons behind it. Like, getting pregnant is a reason for having sex, but not considered a need ("Bedürfnis" in german), hence not in the list. That's all quite intricate to translate, so I'd rather not try. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ArcaneSiren Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 On 7/1/2017 at 11:26 PM, AVEN #1 fan said: Well, asexuals doesn't feel attraction aka desire to have sex with people in particular that make them feel that way. Aces still can have libido, so you can get aroused. Nothing stops you from having sex and enjoying it or desiring it for other reasons, cupiosexuals do it. You can consider yourself gray-ace if you have a low sex drive or if you rarely feel or feel attraction under specific circumstances. Attraction to me isn't equivalent to sexual desire, but it can trigger it, just like hunger can trigger the desire to eat. And my libido is pretty low, so I never considered myself as aroused, like I said before. I could be cupiosexual, but there are several labels I could identify myself with, so I just say I'm asexual. No point in saying "I'm a heteroflexible grey-cupio-asexual". Saying that I'm asexual requires least explaining. I rarely tell I'm a grey-asexual, and saying I'm cupiosexual will just scratch more heads, so I can't be bothered digging out the roots. I have a low sex drive, and never truly felt sexual attraction to anyone, but I consider myself grey-asexual because I experience sexual desires, yet I can't be bothered acting out on them in general, and I can enjoy sex, with limited circumstances. I just don't experience attraction, but the fact that I have desires just makes me feel like a fraud in the entire asexual spectrum, despite what has been stated before. I get sexual desires and would like to express them to someone, but I don't experience sexual attraction to anyone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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