aro in denial or homo/biromantic in denial? [really long]

[pebbleday]

Hello! A very confused 17 year old here. I know that in the end the only one who can decide what I am is me but... I really wanna vent. And at least clear up the doubt in me for a little while (it's only been a few months since I last did something like this, I hope I don't become dependent xD). (also, re-reading this my words come across as callous and whiny as far as I can tell; please bear with me and know I mean no offense to anyone!)

 

So I'm not quite sure for what reason it happened, but I suddenly became very depressed and began once again questioning my sexuality. I never know if the questioning causes the depression or vice-versa but they always seem to go hand-in-hand. Before I had tentatively identified as aro-ace and was quite proud of it. They seemed to fit and I felt like I belonged with them. Maybe. Then I looked back and realized that I've always had the habit of repressing gay feelings in the past (despite never really having a proper crush?), and then wondered perhaps I've been only using those labels to cover that up. So then I began checking out girls, and suddenly I knew the feeling of infatuation! I've never had these feelings before... it's like I wanna hug them and hold them close and maybe kiss, but I also can't breathe and want to throw up. It's very intense, but also fleeting and random. And not exactly pleasant. I kind of hate it (am I repulsed by romantic feelings?). Just looking at these forums I see people with their gender listed as female and I feel the same – and I don't even know what you guys look like! that being said my need for physical affection all together has skyrocketed since becoming depressed. 

 

Here is the problem though. I don't know how long those feelings will last. I already have enough trouble maintaining friendships because of my introverted nature, so how will I manage having someone linked to me in such an intimate way? Do I even want to have a girlfriend? A part of me thinks that no, I don't, and that once this lust is done with I'll eventually get so drained of having a relationship that I'll get sick of it and end up full of regret. I would feel tied down by it, and I feel like I just can't be myself when labeled a “girlfriend”. Another part of me says that that's just internalized homophobia speaking! All those episodes of Full House have brainwashed you towards heteronormativity! You think you can't have a happy life if your'e dating a lady?! In the end I can't tell if I'm an aro in denial or a lesbian (bi?) STILL in denial. 

 

I think of myself married to a guy, and see myself constantly doubting if I made the right choice. I certainly don't want to end up as a lesbian trapped in a marriage like that for both our sakes. I think of myself married to a girl and I... just kinda go blank. I dunno. It feels like all my life has been leading up to me finally realizing that I'm gay and getting a girlfriend and then a wife and then living happily ever!! But I'm still anxious. I don't feel much relief. I feel like I now need to get a girlfriend just to... get it over with. Just to clear up my doubts. See if I'm REALLY into or not. Or maybe that's the homophobia/fear of homophobia towards me speaking. I. Don't. Know. I'm just starting to realize I'm a pretty terrible person.

 

Deep down, I think I'd rather be a lesbian than aromantic though. I don't want to end up alone, I'm scared to death of being alone, or rather, being lonely. Around the same time of this sexual identity crisis I realized that I wouldn't be young forever. Being aro is fun when you're my age but when middle aged? People inevitably look down on you (i'm guilty of it myself). Your friends all have better things to do. Family to be with. At that point you have no one to sleep with and wake up to but your own dreadfully quiet home and your pets (who, while wonderful, you can't really talk to). Yet how incredibly selfish would it be of me to ask someone to stay with me all their life when it's possible I can't even return their feelings? At the same time I'm afraid of finding a girl QPLP (or a girl roommate at all for that matter) because I'm afraid of falling in love with her?? Like I just get these strong feelings but I also sort of feel like once I would get into a relationship I would just feel. Bad. Or maybe I wouldn't? Am I just being homophobic again? Do I just want to sabotage my potential relationships? Am I just afraid of commitment or something? Aaaaaaaaaaarhg.

 

if I were to imagine a good life I'd have an also gay-ish guy im really close to live close by but not with me (that i'd sometimes cuddle) . We would be partners going through life but not “partners” partners. no suffocation. He could get with whoever he wanted and I could satisfy my urges too. urges...is that all that I think of them as? urggh. maybe i dont actually want this and just want a wife after all? i'm tired of obsessing over this. 

[HazyWept]

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