struggling with being single/constant conflict with myself

[miriel_]

Hello~
I'm 21, female, asexual and still unsure about my romantic orientation. That, however, is only a small part of my 'problem'.
My story:
I've never had a real romantic relationship, even though I always liked the idea of having a special person in my life as a kid. I had/have a really good relationship with my parents, and I have amazing friends, so during my teen years I never had the urge to find a partner to share my life with.
However, it really bugged me when all my friends had their first boyfriends and my family started asking me if I liked someone and I always had to answer 'school is more important to me right now', even though a lot of times it wasn't. I then started asking myself, wether I'm just not likeable or not pretty enough to find a boyfriend.
After stumbling over this wonderful place, and finding out that I just don't see people the way (so it was my 'fault' after all, huh), the doubts stopped for about half a year. I was happy to finally have an answer and embraced my single life.

I've always been some kind of 'advice column' about relationships (how ironic haha) to both my friends and my family, and with all the stuff they told me, I came to the conclusion, that I probably wouldn't even like having a romantic relationship (the commitment, the physical part (I don't really like touching), opening up to someone in general and feeling emotionally vulnerable, etc.). To be sure, I tried dating people over tinder and okcupid, and my feelings were confirmed, because I always hated going on dates and doing the usual 'couple stuff'.

The actual problem:
And yet, and I don't know why, I still feel ...idk... some kind of emptiness inside. It's been there for 10 years now and I always tried to ignore it, but everytime I think it is gone, it comes back, together with thoughts about how comforting a hug would feel or how nice it would be to snuggle with someone, or to talk, or even just to sit in the same room together.
Love and Relationships is something I can't talk about with my family or any of my friends, and I just assume it would be nice to have a significant other who understands me (I actually gave up on finding """the one"""" because, imo, they don't exist (and if they do, I'll probably never gonna meet them)). 
But then again, I tell myself 'ok sure, you want that right now, but what would happen AFTER that? you would end up disliking everything else to the point where you two break up OR you wouldn't want to hurt the other person and fake how you feel, and that will make you feel even WORSE' 
But then AGAIN, I've never craved physical contact (not sex though) with another human being so bad in my entire life, and I don't even have a crush, it's just there and I'm confused and I feel like I'll explode if I don't get a hug right now I'm not even kidding. 
But THEN AGAIN I can't just go out and find a random person to hug bc a) I'm shy af and b) there's still the not-liking-physical-contact part and *sigh*
you see where this is going, vicious circle...
(I hope this that makes at least a little bit sense, just consider that I'm not really the emotional type and I'm a little overwhelmed atm)
Any kind of help from you guys on how to deal with this is very welcome! 
(the quicker the better, I think I'm going mad haha)

[fatal flower-boy]

Hello! \(`o`  )

 

Welcome to AVEN! I hope you stay awhile!

Don't worry, you make sense. At least to me  Hmm,You don't want a sexual relationship, and you don't like 'couple stuff', but just a really close friend without all the touchy-feely stuff? Is that right? you may be aromantic, or grey-romantic. I'm not really good with this stuff, as I am learning myself. Someone else would have to drop in and give you a better answer. ^^ I feel like that you shouldn't rush anything. You seem to not like romantic relationships, so don't push for anything you don't like. Focus on yourself for awhile and really contemplate about what you really want from a relationship (whatever relationship that may be) and try to find that in someone else.

 

Your situation sounds really similar to mines. I have loving parents and awesome friends so sometimes I find that I don't really need anybody. I've never had a relationship before, and part of me wants to keep it that way because the idea of me being in one (along with what comes with it) seems really uncomfortable. Almost like a waste of time. I have so many things to do, so many things to focus on, so many things to fix about myself that I have no time to dedicate my time to someone else. And I feel like that if I do get into a relationship, I'll just abandon them. I'm not really an emotional type either.  I probably won't pay much attention to my s/o.

I too seem to have all the answers to relationships when in reality no one knows that I've never been in one xD But at the same time, the idea of having someone there to talk to, to admire, and to take care of doesn't seem so bad. But only the idea of it. I'm scared that if I really do try to get into a relationship, its not gonna go well xp

 

Good luck! I hope you find all the answers you need. c:

 

 

[Guest]

Personally, I hate "dating" - can't stand it. I tried it. It wasn't fun. It felt pressuring and stressful and just blah. I go the make friends and if something develops from the friendship, fine. Otherwise, no big deal. If I had to traditionally "date", I would just stay single.

 

However, I do like the relationship part. I love having someone I can tell my secrets to, someone who can give me a hug when I had a bad day, etc. That's why I like the developing it from a friend. We can skip the whole "lets go have an awkward dinner together with all these romantic obligations hanging over us while we don't know each other" and go straight to "Lets just hang out eating pizza and watching netflix, maybe cuddle a little later on" 

 

As for not liking touching and stuff, I hate it with most people. I prefer they keep their distance. But, if a relationship happens then I can start to actually like being touched by them. Everyone else will still make me tense up and pull away, but not them. It's strange.

 

So.. maybe one day you'll find someone you feel comfortable doing "couple stuff" with. Maybe not. Maybe you're just liking the idea of what people have, without actually wanting it. Sometimes I can feel lonely seeing sex scenes on TV, even though in reality I do not want that at all, but the way it's portrayed makes it seem nicer than it is in reality.