Asexual or lesbian in denial?! I don't know!

[noneforgretchen]

Hi, I’m a 27-year old female just trying to figure out my deal and wondering if other people have felt similarly confused! Here’s my story:

I’m still a virgin. A lot of people assume that’s because of my Catholic upbringing and Catholic guilt, but to honest, I just never wanted to. I never really even wanted to kiss anyone, and the only times I have where when I was drunk.  And it was enjoyable, but I still didn’t want to go further. I thought I just hadn’t met the right person to make me feel comfortable enough to develop those kinds of feelings – I mean, come on, getting naked with another person is really awkward and requires a lot of trust!

But then, I moved to NYC when I was 22 to pursue comedy and filmmaking, and I attended grad school for screenwriting, where a lot of people read lesbian undertones in my scripts when I thought I had written more sisterly friendship stories that had more important things happening that a romantic plot line. I felt kind of annoyed they'd misinterpreted bc a lot of things were about my actual sister so no, def no lesbian undertones there, but also exposed like maybe they were right. The more I’ve thought about it the past few years, the more I had to acknowledge that I’ve kind of always liked girls better than boys

I remember as early as 4^th grade, really liking a girl in my class. At the time, I just told myself she was popular and I wanted to be like her. But, when all the other girls starting becoming interested in boys, I was mostly interested in her. But, not like in a physical way. She was just kind of mean, but in a funny way, and I enjoyed the banter and just wanted to hang out and talk to her all the time. SIDEBAR: I also had a an enormous crush on my best friend who was a boy (and turned out to be gay), but I don’t think I was nearly as upset by his rejection as I was with that very one sided affection I had for this popular girl. And I knew I was different even then.

I remembered when parents sent my older sister to an all girls high school, and I secretly cried because I didn’t want them to send me there too - I was worried whatever feelings I had for that girl were me realizing I was gay, and being surrounded with only girls for four years, and no hope of finding a boy, was not going to help. I guess I never really let myself go there, because of all the Catholic guilt so maybe I’ve repressed it?

When I did move to New York at 22, I also had a roommate who was a musical theater major and actress I had met in improv class at the Upright Citizen's Brigade and fell kind of in love with? She was just everything I'm not - loud, out going, confident, fearless, and funny as hell. I had her play a couple characters I had written in staged readings and videos I produced and she always played them so much funnier than I could've ever imagined. She also had a really beautiful singing voice, omgggg. It was hard to tell if it was just a talent crush or not, but it took over a year for my infatuation to fade away - when she went on tour and wasn't living with me anymore. I can't say that I've ever had that level of infatuation for a guy though - because I am attracted to big, loud personalities and with men they usually just end up overshadowing and overlooking me instead of appreciating our differences like she did. Though I will say, I did overhear her having sex one night (she thought I had headphones on) and it didn't sound like something I wanted to do with her.... It was more something that annoyed me because it was the night before she left for her tour, her dad had died just a few weeks ago, and I just wanted to be there for her and have a moment to say goodbye since she'd be gone for 8 months... But, she had been having a lot of sex with this guy who she didn't even like just to forget about her problems and that wasn't something I could help her with! Anyway...

I guess my problem is that I am now 27, still haven’t dealt with this, and now all my friends are getting married and wondering when it’ll be my turn. I mean, a couple of my friends I have confided in and are very supportive and not pressuring me about why I’m still single. And I believe I have an unspoken understanding with my parents and sister. But, I guess I’m starting to get a bit worried and sad for myself -  like I am very romantic person in the sense that I really care about my friends and would go to the ends of the earth for them, and sometimes I wish I had that one person to devote myself to and who would do the same for me. The constant one-sided-ness of my feelings in some of my friendships is getting really old. 

I started to talking to friends of mine who were gay and out - One friend told me I needed to learn how to masturbate, because I hadn't done that either. I could barely get a tampon up there, so why would I enjoy shoving other things up there? I eventually picked up a shower nozzle and was like "Oh, I see," but was still a little like "Is this really it?" and "I don't think I could do this with another human being and not laugh uncomfortably" But the shower feels way different than an actual person, or actual penetration - for God's sake, I cried when the gynecologist gave me pap spear, I just don't see this going well for me.

But most of those I've confided in about my questioning and some of the friends/roommates I’ve liked a little bit too much, they all seemed to think I sounded more ace than lesbian. Like if I was really gay, it wouldn’t be so easy for me to not have a girlfriend or not have had sex by now. But at the same time, isn’t it possible that I’m just really shy about sex? So if women are the gender I’m attracted to and I’ve never come out, how could I possibly find one and then confidently engage in a relationship and/or sex with one – I imagine lesbian sex is even more awkward than straight sex, because I don’t even know what exactly to imagine. BUT if I’m afraid of having sex with a woman, I don’t know if it’s fair to come out and go around asking them on dates and wasting their time? Like I honestly, don’t know how I am supposed to figure it out.

Sometimes I’m like maybe I only THINK I like women, because 1.) I’m afraid of sex and it’s never an issue when I’m hanging out with my straight female friends and 2.) I value intellectual connection over physical and it’s obviously easier to connect with someone who shares my gender.

And then also sometimes – and this is so stupid – I think of the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter and how he so badly didn’t want to be in Slytherin that the hat was like, “Okay, if you want to be Gryffindor so bad, fine!” Like I didn’t want to be gay so badly that I just made myself asexual instead?

I don’t think anyone would care if I was gay, I mean my Catholic family wouldn’t like it, but they already suspect and they’d get over it. So the only problem is me – I’m either scared because I’m so inexperienced at this point or scared because I know I won’t be into it and don’t want to go through the awkwardness of telling a person, “Sorry I thought I might be into this, but I’m not.” SIDEBAR: I have gotten drunk and kissed girls before and it wasn’t earth shatteringly different than kissing boys, I was still uncomfortable going further (not that it would have bc these happened spur of the moment in public!) 

I realize being homo-romantic is a thing, and probably exactly what I’ve described, but in life, how is that any different than describing a friend? How would one realistically get themselves a same sex life partner that they don’t sleep with and then explain that relationship to the world?

I really, really wish I could find a man out there who has the same problem as me, and we could bond over it and just walk through life together being slightly gay and non-sexual…. And if we wanted to get married one day, great – my relatives would love that! And if we wanted biological children, great – we wouldn't need any third party ingredients for that! Long shot - anyone out there?

 

[Snao Cone]

It sounds like you could be asexual. If you identify as such but later find that you want to have sex with someone, then you can adjust accordingly.

In terms of romantic orientation or finding a relationship that isn't just a friendship, that often depends on who you encounter in life. You may not know what homo-romantic connection feels like until you meet someone it applies to. The relationship described in your last paragraph sounds fun and convenient, but I doubt such a slightly gay and non-sexual Prince Charming exists.  One can dream, though. One can dream.

[gisiebob]

first of all: it's probably important to mention that you haven't done anything wrong. theres no misteps here because a good story doesn't walk in a straight line. ok, so the sucky thing about adventuring is the whole conquering your fears bit. but if you want to know where you stand you have to explore. I guess I have a fear of shaving cream due to me laughing like a maniac, but sometimes its ok not to treat SERIOUS BUSINESS so seriously. and lastly: saying 'isnt love without sex just friendship' is quitter talk around here, mister! good luck, brave adventurer!

[Busrider]

On ‎25‎.‎11‎.‎2016 at 7:56 AM, noneforgretchen said:

How would one realistically get themselves a same sex life partner that they don’t sleep with and then explain that relationship to the world?

There are reasons to prefer human company. Cats are cute too, but humans prep their smelly food on their own and wield toilet brushes...

I guess if you manage to find a similar shaped life partner you could safe a ton on silly wardrobe elements?

Sorry, I'm male so I can't predict female feelings. - For me the dating thing was an adventure playing (or not) on different stages or somehow like a good story to read of unknown length.

Somebody will like(!) to spend time with you because you seem worth it. - How could that time be wasted? - I'd assume they are interested in you. - And no matter if they perceive you as a short story or the first few epic novels of 20 more to come, they'll recall their time with you as a good read.

Figure things out and maybe doublecheck with them if they dare to risk a good friendship for bad sex' sake.

[AVEN #1 fan]

You sound like a sex averse ace (apothisexual) and also biromantic by how you liked girls and boys. It's okay to be gay and not all people require to have sex with you.