Sexual and Asexualish (grey -A) partner relationship advice.

[latinalady]

Hi everyone! I am new to AVEN - and I am here to learn and educate myself to have a healthier relationship.

I believe that I am a demisexual who is in a relationship with a grey-a.

In recent conversations she has told me that she does not need/want/desire sex in the/our relationship - because it is something that seems doesn't turn her on. We have been together for almost three years. On the other hand however, I have asked her if she has/had desires for other people (as it is sometimes natural in relationships), and she says she has, but hasn't acted upon them. It seems as if I have sexual desire towards the person I love, and she has/ has had sexual desire towards people she doesn't love.

I am ok with the little amount of sex that we have, but I worry and feel sad sometimes that her sexual attractions aren't towards me.

Has anybody gone through this themselves? and/or have any general relationship advice for these circumstances?

[Star Bit]

More so you're both on the opposite end of the Gray spectrum; She's virtually asexual; Gray-ace, and you're Gray-sexual (as demi is under that).

Just to make sure, the bond you need in order to desire sex takes an unusual amount of time to form (like over a month), right? And by her saying she hasn't acted upon her sexual desires, does she find acting it out IRL undesirable or that she hasn't yet acted upon them with someone she's sexually attracted to?

[latinalady]

yeah, pretty much - although I am not sure how much it is that she doesn't want to have sex with them IRL - or she doesn't want to end our relationship, as she knows that would crush me (having sex with somebody else while being with me).

[Star Bit]

Well, you would sustain the relationships the same way other people in mixed relationships do.

1) have a sexless relationship (for some having none is better then not enough, and this can take time to get used to)

2) become ok with the rate of sex she's comfortable with. There's also many forms of sex, so perhaps she'd be more content with sexually compromising in certain ways than others.

There's oral, hand jobs, foot jobs, anal fingering, sex toys (there are ones for men), dry humping, facesitting, and male genitals being stimulated between makeshift crevices (butt cheeks, breasts, thighs, armpit, etc.). You can also masturbate to her doing something sexy or masturbating while you make out/do other types of foreplay (e.g. kiss, lick, bite, grope, stimulate nipples). Erotic massages are an option too. I don’t suggest anal sex (preformed on either of you) because it has health risks (two page link) and can be very painful afterwards.

3) have an open or polyamorous relationship (two different things)

or 4) break up due to a completey common issue; sex-drives not matching up

[latinalady]

yeah, I've thought of some of those things, and learned more things here, and appreciate your time to respond. I know we also have to talk more about this, and communicate better - but its just been a hard day, trying to figure things out and being ok with it.

[binary suns]

I cannot speak for your partner, so please if what I say is disappointing, honestly I'd advise talking with your partner and trying to be patient until better clarity can be reached through time.

but for me, I feel attraction towards people and it makes me kind of uneasy, especially knowing that I don't really want to do much with them even if we were in a sexual scenario. I'd rather be able to sit and enjoy the feelings themselves, just not doing anything. cuddling, I guess, and talking/flirting. When I am in a relationship, I wouldn't want my sexual attraction to be anything important at all, I might even prefer not to really mention it much to be honest. personally it's more easily activated by kissing and touching, but when I was with a sexual partner before I was unhappy with that because they wanted to rush past that stage of sexual contact and move onto more involved groping and sex and I wasn't comfortable at that point.

like what I mean to be saying is.... I want to choose my partner based off of asexual and aromantic values in a relationship, and let any romantic or sexual feelings just be bonuses if they do ever arise.

for someone who is my partner and is sexual... that means that I don't really value my attraction towards them. kind of awkward for them I dunno what I'd say to alleviate their jealousy.

[Telecaster68]

Doesn't sound like varieties of asexuality have anything to do with it. It sounds more like she's sexual and just doesn't fancy you.

Sorry to be blunt.