Feeling Cheated

[Yenski]

I met my wife eight and a half years ago, through a website originally, but later in person. She was a recent divorcee with two daughters and a son, yet one of the liveliest people I have ever met. It took time, but I had to explain to her that I was poly from the start, and she seemed to receive it well, although said that she hadn't really had a relationship like that for years. We were married in 2009, and I adopted her son as my own, (unfortunately the daughters went to her ex, long story).

Sex was originally spontaneous, varied and fun. I love this woman so much that I was comfortable, although not fully over, leaving a poly life style and becoming a practicing monogamous man. We have, over the years, had three sons together, far more than I ever wanted, but she wanted a large family. This is when things changed however. With the birth of our last son, she said that she was finally through, and had all of the children she ever wanted, and declared that sex was no longer a thing for her.

I know that I sound like a needy fool, but we started out, for years, having sex once or twice a day. It then lengthened to the same per week, then month, and then whatever it is we have now. We no longer have any intimacy, much less sex, at all. She said that she feels that she is asexual, and that she doesn't really feel like it's enjoyable. I of course, tried to explain my situation, but she doesn't even want to hear of it, stating that sex isn't something anyone "needs".

I went so far as to recently suggest that I go back to being poly, and letting her know about anyone that I would consider dating. She sees this as a breach, and said that she would definitely leave me. I refuse to cheat, and would never have a relationship without her blessing, but something has to give. I tried explaining it to her as chocolate. "Imagine that I stopped liking chocolate," I said, "what would you do if I told you that you could no longer enjoy chocolate because I didn't?" She said that there's no connection at all, and that I should just wait. I can count the times we've had uninspired, unenjoyable sex in the last year on one hand.

Today, I asked her what it was, that something had to be the cause of it, and she just shrugged at me. It doesn't seem to bother her at all. I'm at a loss- so I came here.

[Snao Cone]

Hi Yenski

This is a situation that I'm sure many people can relate to. Because you have such an intense sexual past with your wife, it's hard to say if this is about asexuality as an orientation, or if it's about a change in her life that turns away from sex. There may be compromises you can come to that are similar to how mixed sexual/asexual couples make it work, but it's possible there are other factors at play given the history and intensity of your early years with her. Has anything else about her changed since having your last child? There could be more to it than just the physical act of sex, but that's the easiest thing to pin it on for both of you.

It must be incredibly frustrating to be in a situation where you absolutely want to be with this woman, but your needs aren't being met. You seem to be very aware that there's more at stake here than your own sexual needs, since you're raising a large family together. This is a significant enough problem in your relationship to warrant counseling. I doubt you'll find the perfect answer here on AVEN, but I hope we're at least able to help a little bit with our listening ears and personal experiences.

[OutsideObserver]

So, because she's through with sex, you are expected to be through as well... nice.

Here's a suggestion, offer to divorce her but keep your household together. That way your sex life is not her concern but she still gets everything she wants and your kids keep their parents.

If she balks at that, then the natural fallback would be you seeking a sexual relationship while still being married to her.

Your unhappiness doesn't seem to be a motivator for her. Maybe reminding her that all relationships are a choice, even a marriage with kids, will be.

[Telecaster68]

She said that there's no connection at all, and that I should just wait.

The problem isn't so much her asexuality (if that's what it is - she might just have gone off you, or have medical problems, or menopause) as her refusal to discuss it, and insistence that you suck it up. That's unreasonable by any lights.

There's not much you can do in that situation except go your own sweet way, and she can suck it up too.

[Nidwin]

That's freakingly messed up and she needs to properly open up to you Yenski. Your situation could be one of the few that a "decent" compromise could actually keep the family together because of you being poly.

You have sexual needs that your wife can't or don't want to satisfy anymore and that needs to be discussed between the two of you in dept, shrugging it of on her side isn't an acceptable solution.

[thatoneowl]

She's being a bit of a bitch if I'm honest. There should be a compromise of some sort if she wants the relationship to work. No sex isn't needed but as a sexual person as well, I do need it (or preferably masturbation) for the pleasure/relief it brings.

She needs to take this conversation seriously because it sounds like she's just shrugging it off. If she doesn't she may lose you and honestly with the way things sound she'd deserve it.