almost two years in & just found out my boyfriends asexual.. advice asap

[lsdhoney]

so im 18 and ive been dating my boyfriend (21) for almost two years (sept is out two year mark) & we have been having sexual issues for majority of our relationship but up until a month ago we were long distance (CA - IN) so it never was brought to light too badly but ever since i moved in we havent had sex as much as he promised we would. when we were LD we would sext often and have skype sex too. i have a high sex drive and sex is very important to me. its like the ultimate expression to show your love and passion for them and it also makes me feel sexy and wanted but for as long as he has remembered he has had a low sex drive, ED, and trouble cumming (sometimes he cums w me sometimes he finishes himself and sometimes he doesnt at all) and finally told me that he just doesnt think about sex, nor does he want it. he said he doesnt find it interesting. and RARELY gets the urge to have sex with me... haha yeah its like a stab in the fucking heart to hear that from the one person you love & are so attracted to. i know this has nothing to do w me or my looks but god every fiber in my being is saying it is. idk why i feel the most loved and desired through sex but i do and without it.. i feel unwanted, unattractive, and frustrated. my boyfriend is loving and affectionate (kisses/hugs/cuddles me a lot) and says hes sexually attracted to me and when he would masturbate (out of bordem typically) he said he would only think about me and use my pics & what not.. so i dont think he is completely asexual but maybe gray or demi? im sexual so im just here to try to get a better understanding and help my relationship.. i love him so much and i want to marry him someday and i know he feels the same way but this is a huge deal breaker for me... he said he is going to try and get on cialis again (he used to go to therapy and try pills before we considered him being just asexual) bc they increased his drive but i told him not to unless HE wanted to bc if he only has sex w me for my benefit it totally ruins the purpose but he said he is doing it so he can show me how much he loves and care about me, which was sweet.. he says when we do have sex he does enjoy it... so if any of you can answer this PLEASE DO!!: if he enjoys it, why doesnt he want it or think about it? i dont want sex to be a chore or for him to feel obligated but i would want sex daily and even lowering it to a couple times a week is a big compromise for me... its just a messy situation & im trying to think long term... i need advice with how to cope with this & those who can relate to me would be of help immensely.

i appreciate it all

xo

[Telecaster68]

if he enjoys it, why doesnt he want it or think about it?

Beats me (I'm the husband of a functionally asexual wife). There's a bunch of threads and posts about this in the Friends and Allies section though if you want to read asexuals trying to explain it...

Two things - a compromise might be possible, but if he never wants sex and you need it every day, that's going to be hard for either of you to sustain, however well intentioned you start off. And secondly, asexuals don't sexually desire anyone. You know how you feel about other women (assuming you're not bi)? That's how he feels about everyone. So at best you're going to get sex entirely for your benefit, with none of that feeling of being hungered for. Do you think you can live with that?

This might sound harsh, but you're both young - talk, and see if you can sort it out. But if you can't, it might be better to rip off the bandaid and end the relationship sooner rather than later. Otherwise you'll both end up miserable, and at least ending it sooner rather than later means you've got a good chance of staying friends.

[Star Bit]

T-T Sorry this is long

1) Two years isn't long AT ALL. That's very short. Just because it's the longest you've been in one doesn't mean it's actually long. And saying you'll marry at that span is really jumping the gun. But you should never stay in a relationship due to Fear (of yourself or him being alone), Obligation (of the amount of time the relationship has lasted, of the promise of marriage), or Guilt (of love not being able to fix everything); those are all relationship killers. BOTH of you factually have thousands of fish in the sea, and that's something people often seem to forget. For him, there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and a minority of sexual people are ok with a sexless relationship. A relationship should not threaten your mental or physical health, and the former needs to be taken just as seriously as the latter.

2) His sex problems (ED and not coming) are actually a thing among some asexuals and is due to the absence in sexual attraction/sexual desire. (dunno the percentage, maybe there should be a poll) I think it's easy for sexual people to understand those problems if they were to try masturbating/having sex with someone they don't find sexy. It just doesn't really work, huh?

But you said he rarely has the urge for sex, and masturbates to you/finds you sexually attractive, which, if he's not trying to softn the blow by lying, then that's not asexual but just a sexual person with a low sex-drive, or at the very least Gray-A. And no, Demi would not apply with what you've said.

And your reaction is very common, but not everyone can be with an ace. In fact, lasting sexual and asexual relationships are in the minority, especially if the sexual partner has a high sex-drive or holds it as extremely important. You either need to come to accept a few things or end it. You need to know that not all breakups are done wtith malice and whatnot, that alot of the time the two still love eachother and are doing so for the better of other reasons. Him having sex for you is the whole point, whether he's ace or Gray-A it will always (for the most part considering his rare desire) be FOR you and not him. You also need to accept the amount of sex he can bring himself to sexually compromise because, for some people, going beyond that comfortable level can kill their compromise ability.

1) For some people zero sex is better than not enough sex. This can take time to get used to and some people can be satisfied or partially satisfied by increased romance/emotional closeness (though that can also backfire and make your desires stronger).

2) There are many types of sex, so perhaps he'd be more comfortable with some of those (read wiki's page on non-penetrative sex). Some asexuals don't like using their parts durring sex or can more frequently sexually compromise that way.

3) An open or polyamorous relationship (two different things).

And know that sex problems are extremely extremely common; it's rare to find someone with the same sex-drive. So even if you were with someone else, and it obviously wouldn't be exact, but it would most likely contain a similar sexual problem.

Oh, and as for the enjoyment question, enjoyment and desire are two different things that are just typically paired together. So this does not make someone Gray. I think everyones had a food where it tasted fine but for whatever reason they weren't a fan of it. That is enjoyment without desire. So they can like orgasm or like making a partner happy, but they don't yearn for sex.

And honestly, schools already have sex ed, i don't see why they don't have (romantic and platonic) relationship ed where all this would be common knowledge. *sigh* ideals