Sexual Seeking Advice

[Cassadaga]

Hello All,

To start off with, I am new to the forum/site and am a non-asexual; however, I am seeking information and advice from the community regarding my potential demisexual soon-to-be husband.

We have been together for nearly five years, the last four with very little sexual activity. I went through a lot of personal issues because of this, as I felt like I just wasn't good enough...started eating less, going to the gym...just overall changing my appearance to try to overcompensate for the feeling of not being good enough. While he reassured me many times that it wasn't me...I just didn't understand. So over the past year I have researched the asexual spectrum in depth and have come to understand that he may be demisexual..again, we do have sex but less than once a month. Upon reading up on this, I started gaining perspective. We have had many conversations in the passed about our lacking sex life, but I hate bringing it up because I don't want him to do it our of obligation.

So, overall what I am looking to understand is:

1) How do I broach the subject with him? I obviously don't want to point any fingers and tell him how I think he should identify, but is there a way that I can bring it up as more of a supportive thing...because it has been an issue in our relationship and I know that it bothers him that he doesn't have "normal" urges.

2) Is there anything that I can do, aside from being supportive? I understand that he is the way he is, and I intend to be respectful of his mental health and wishes...but I simply cannot shake my own personal repulsion (towards myself) that this has brought on. For as much as he may not want that physical aspect of the relationship, I do...so, what can I do?

Now I hope that everyone reading understands this comes from a place of caring. I desperately want to understand how to ensure he feels full and supported...but I am frustrated because of the negative impact it has on my own personal mental health.

To wrap up, I guess I am just looking for any tips or advice in general on how to bring up the subject, cope with these feelings of inadequacy, and move forward because I am tired of the shadow it casts over our relationship.

Thank-you to anyone who takes the time.

[Guest]

Welcome to the site.

How to broach the subject of potential asexual spectrum with him? You could share with him some youtube videos and such and ask him if he feels he relates to that. Personally, I like Swankivy's videos, but there are a lot of asexuals on youtube now. Or, show him AVEN's FAQ and ask him if he relates. Leave it in his court though, don't suggest labels to him, it's up to him to decide if any of them fit.

How to handle the differences in needs is going to come down to what works best for the two of you. What you are wanting is to be desired like a sexual would, which, if he is asexual is not going to be possible. If it's just frequency you need more of, you could potentially increase that with a compromise discussion. However, it doesn't sound like that is the root cause of your negative feelings towards yourself. The key to anything is just ... lots of talking. Get how you both feel out there. See if there is any middle ground you can work on.

And, in the end, if it's just too hard for you that's OK too. My relationship recently ended because after years of trying to make it work, compromise and figure out how we can both be content with the incompatibility it ended up just not being possible. We were together 10 years, we were married 1, we knew about asexuality for only a few years (4?) though. We still talk and play video games together, we just don't live anywhere near each other and aren't romantically connected anymore.

Sexual compromise and support thread stickied at the top has some information about compromises and people telling their stories. http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/81362-sexual-compromise-support/

[Marlimouse]

I'm sexual and my husband I suspect is asexual.

He's romantic and holds my hand, hugs me, will kiss me, but sex is very infrequent. He seems to like it when we do have sex, but we easily go three months or more without. Basically until I just can't handle it anymore and start getting extremely depressed and withdrawing, which ultimately ends in me saying something, and then I feel like he's having sex because he has to, not because he wants to.

I used to try and initiate it but the rejection cut right through and left me feeling terrible.

I understand where you're coming from in relation to not feeling good enough. I've gone on diets, tried different things with my hair, makeup, clothing to try and make him feel attracted to me. He tells me that he hates when I think/talk like that. But basically knowing that the person you love and want doesn't want to have sex with you is fairly soul destroying.

Don't get me wrong. I love him, He's amazing in every other way and I hold on to that when things get really stressful. He understands that sex is important to me but just doesn't 'get' it because it's not to him.

Trying to talk to him about it is hard. He closes up and feels like he's letting me down, which just makes me feel bad for bringing it up.

I can't say there's an easy solution, if any solution at all.

[Kat_M]

Hi! I'm asexual, but I never would have actually bothered to self-identify if it weren't for my boyfriend bringing it up. Here's how he approached it: I was already aware that I viewed sex pretty differently than most people do, but I didn't realize how drastic that difference was. The first few times we talked about sex (he's my first boyfriend, so I've never had to have these conversations with anyone before), he started to pick up that my perspective was REALLY odd. I talked about sex from an analytical perspective, and I wasn't really able to participate in his sexual flirting. Now, both of us had already established that we didn't want to have sex anytime soon; neither of us felt like it was the right time in our lives (we're only 17). But we were both open to the idea in the future, and we would talk about what interested us (always at his initiation, rarely mine). He would ask "Does [sexual activity #1] sound fun to you?" I would say "I don't know. I'd be willing to try! It does sound kinda gross." Then, "What about [sexual activity #2]?" "That sounds kinda painful! But we could try it and see how it goes." And on and on. Whenever we talked about sex, I didn't express desire, but I didn't push it away. I was just really genuine with him, and I had no idea how weird that perspective sounded to a romantic partner. I also didn't realize that he was reaching out for sexual validation. He wanted to know that I was sexually attracted to him! Because I've never wanted sexual validation, I didn't have an inherent understanding of his desire for it. I didn't realize that by denying him that validation, I was actually hurting him.

Finally, he just asked me, "Are you even sexually attracted to me?" And that's how an ongoing conversation began. I told him that I'd never really felt sexually attracted to anyone, and I loved him. I was raw with him about my sexuality (though I didn't use the label). That conversation spurred me to restart my own research (I had started researching asexuality a year or two before this, and then stopped, so I was familiar with it and it was in the back of my mind). He has a pretty high sex drive, and if I have one at all, I haven't noticed it yet. I apologized for hurting him, but of course, it's still hard for him. I hate that I can't offer him that validation, and that I'll probably never be able to share in his enjoyment of sex completely. But when I told him those things, he was understanding. As we've gotten closer and he's learned who I am, I think it's helped him not to take my lack of sexual interest as a statement about his character, but as a statement about my character. He was really intentional about putting his own hurt aside in order to figure this out, because he realized that if he didn't, there was no way we could continue. And in return, I had to be forgiving when he didn't understand me, because asexuality is so uncommon :P And I'm intentional about being understanding, even when I don't understand, and I never invalidate his feelings/desires/needs.

If he's a reasonable guy, you should be able to bring it up without any problems, as long as you're very clear that you're doing it out of support for him and because you really value your relationship. Maybe bring it up at first just as a concept, without the label. "Do you enjoy sex? Do you want it?"

[Blondbeard]

If sex is important for you then break up with him, the sooner the better, you will find amother boyfriend and when you start having sexual compatibility again then your life will change so much for the better. If you dont care that much about sex or if you think he can compomise then ask him for an open relationship. Dont be afraid of expressing your emotions, this issue could destroy your life if not adressed.