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GirlWithThePinkScarf

Having an asexual partner whilst being a sexual

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GirlWithThePinkScarf

Hey there! :)

As the topic title suggests, I am a sexual and my boyfriend is asexual - I'm sure there are people on here who are in the same position as me (either dating an asexual as a sexual or vice versa) and I'd really like to hear, if it's okay with you, how it's going and your experiences; I am new on here and don't know any aces apart from my boyfriend so it'd be great to hear from other people and how they are being supportive so I can be too! :) x

E.g. What do you enjoy doing together? Do you have a set boundary for physical activities? (for both people in the relationship, not just the aces) xx anything you can think of really that you like about your significant other / things you enjoy doing with them.

Even just things you're comfortable / like about your partner; I'm really all ears in wanting to know more about this so I can really be there for my boyfriend and any future aces I meet in the future, or sexual people who need help in understanding the term!

Thanks for your time to read this and feel free to respond how and if you wish :)

GirlWithThePinkScarf xx

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Rin-likes-rain

I'm an asexual in a relationship with a sexual with a relatively high sex drive. For me, I find people attractive, but I don't want to be involved with them. there are situations that have happened that caused me to become asexual aromantic sex-repulsed touch-repulsed and that's mostly because of having my boundaries violated.

My partner makes me feel safe and comfortable. He is aware of my boundaries and never pushes them. He's even told me that he'd be fine if we never had sex. But to me, sex is a romantic act. It's a desire I feel out of emotional closeness and trust rather than attraction. So maybe one day.

We're a long distance couple so we don't get to do much together. We like to tell jokes to each other. I especially like the corny ones. We skype while doing other things so we don't have to talk but we get to spend time together. Like, he makes patches for people and I go on AVEN and tell him something that went down on chat, or a funny thing somebody said. Sometimes when he's bored, I'll give him something to find like a pink rollercoaster with shoes instead of cars. He has to find a video or a picture of it. (he couldn't find one so he made it instead).

When we are together, though, we are relatively chill. So he'll watch youtube while I watch something his critical highness would gripe and complain about the whole time. Or we'll go thrifting or hang out at a comic shop a friend of his owns.

I like how honest he is. He'll give it to me straight, but he is kind about it. My favorite thing that we do is, I'll eat a bunch of sweets even when I feel sick and he'll tell me not to. Later on, I tell him I feel bad and he says, "I told you." Mos couples are like, "he never says 'I told you so'" but he tells me that a lot.

He's got a pretty sick sense of humor, but I enjoy it too. I used to not. Like I had a major stick up my a$$, and now I'm pretty chill with stuff.

I have a lot of anxiety and paranoia, and he makes me feel safe. I'm scared of people, but Zach is a metalhead. Funny right? I'm scared of people and he is pretty scary looking. But he's gentle and acts like a buffer between me and the rest of the world.

He's funny. He constantly talks in an exasperated voice, but it's so funny hearing him complain about stuff or talk about things that happened.

He's really smart. He's one of the few people I can talk to about stuff and not confuse them. My mother says I make her brain smoke. But not only does he understand, but he knows a bunch of stuff I don't, so I'm always learning.

He's kind to kids and animals, but doesn't take peoples crap.

He's gonna make an honest genderqueer out of me and put a ring on it. In fact, he has a ring.

He accepted me when I told him I wasn't cis. And he still loved me when I told him I wasn't attracted to men. (and he's pretty much a dude). He tried really hard to understand how I fit into the asexual spectrum and likes hearing about my AVEN friends. He's okay with me going by Rin instead of my birth name. he said it would be hard for him to not use it, but he wanted me to be happy. but I still want him to call me my birth name. I'm demifluid, and usually, masculinity and neutrality are stagnant in my gender, but when I'm with him, I'm 100% a girl. I don't understand why, but I guess because when I'm with him, I'm not ashamed of the girl I was born as so I feel safe moving through the feminine aspects of my fluidity.

Really, he is a straight cis-gender Christ believer (he doesn't like being called a Christian because of Christian-idiocy). But he tries really hard to understand me and everything outside of what he used to consider normal. He usually doesn't care one way or another about the LGBT. He isn't for or against it, and now, because of me, he has a reason to care. And he cares in all the right ways. He supports my asexuality, he understands my gayness, he accepts my gender (although he asked me not to physically transition, which I wasn't planning on anyway). When I told him how badly I wanted mens clothing, he said that next time we were together, he'd take me shopping. He doesn't care that I use male products, he doesn't care that I have a male haircut, he doesn't care that I might never have sex with him, he doesn't care that I like girls more than guys, he knows that everything I am is who I am, and who I am is exactly who he fell in love with he has been supportive of me 100% of the way.

My favorite part is that he doesn't want anyone else. Even though he is a sexual and I'm not, he refuses to have anyone else. Even though he knows he'll be frustrated a lot, he says I'm worth it. I told him I was afraid he'd cheat on me because of his frustration, and he says never. All he wants is me. I ask so much of him and all he asks of me is to be happy and to stay with him.

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SoyCaptain

Hi! Welcome to AVEN ^.^
I'm in the same boat as you--sexual girlfriend who has an asexual boyfriend. My boyfriend is ace but enjoys things like cuddling and kissing and sensual-but-not-sexual touching, but this varies a *lot* from person to person so it's important to have open communication with him about what he wants/enjoys.

We're in a long distance relationship right now but he lives close enough (about 300 miles) that I still get to visit frequently. We like watching a lot of netflix together (netflix and chilling only we're actually chilling, lol) and cuddling. We really like cooking together :D and going on walks and seeing movies and typical couple stuff, just without intercourse. When we're not together we usually chat throughout the day and I like sending him pictures of what I'm up to and terrible puns. Sometimes we'll skype while we watch the same movie so we're sort of watching it together. We have a google doc we can both edit where we save recipes we want to try on our next visit, which is really nice. And I also have a tag on tumblr that's all posts that made me think of him/I think are relevant to his interests. Sending gifts is really nice, too.

I know I mentioned above, but I wanna stress how important communication is, especially in regards to sexual stuff. I make a point of reassuring my boyfriend regularly that I only want to do things he actually enjoys. Setting boundaries before you're in a sexual situation is important, and so is getting verbal consent while making out before trying to 'go further' (for instance, before moving from kissing on the lips to kissing his neck and stuff). A simple 'is it okay if I ____' is usually my go to.

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VeryOriginal

I've been dating my ace girlfriend for almost two years. She's quiet and reserved about her orientation but she's that way about most things.

When she came out to me I told her I was never in this relationship to get her into bed. That I loved her mind, her personality and her smile informing her that the relationship was always set at her pace and I wasn't going to do anything that may make her uncomfortable.

It's been about a year since then and we have been more open with one another and have become a great deal closer. We go to the movies, get ice cream or play dnd as often as her schedule allows. But when we do see each it's always the highlight of my week. I've never felt this happy and I thank her for being the reason I've Finaly grown up.

This is my first relationship with someone asexual and it has been the most gratifying relationship I have ever been in. Some times it's tough as I put sex and love in the same boat but I find some semblance of romance in only wanting her but having the respect to not make an advance.

My friends(that we don't share) and my family have been the only hurdle. Suggesting talk to her about having an open relationship, or find a FWB. some calling me crazy for "giving up sex" but I haven't given anything up. Being with her is just more important than sex(and friends who don't have respect for my girlfriend)

our only real boundary is skin on skin (Mainly when I try to rub her bare back, stomach or legs). But that's nothing I can't live without. She lets me hold her during movies, offers her lips to me in public and always reaches for my hand as we walk. What more could you ask for from a partner(asexual or otherwise)

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Telecaster68

She lets me hold her during movies, offers her lips to me in public and always reaches for my hand as we walk. What more could you ask for from a partner(asexual or otherwise)

Umm....

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Sally

She lets me hold her during movies, offers her lips to me in public and always reaches for my hand as we walk. What more could you ask for from a partner(asexual or otherwise)

Umm....

You could ask more, but who are you to tell someone else they should ask more? He's happy, so don't tell him he shouldn't be.

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Telecaster68

I wasn't. It was a rhetorical response to a rhetorical question.

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necrocrat

Just like in any relationship, you should know the boundaries. Just as relationships with only sexual partners involved keep a healthy sex life by communicating directly about their likes, dislikes, boundaries, interests, etc., an asexual and sexual person in a relationship are smart to communicate in a similar manner.

Actually, because of the nature of the boundaries, this should probably be done either before the relationship initiates or shortly after, because some boundaries can be deal-breakers for some. But back to the point, this communication is very straightforward. You simply ask what your boyfriend's boundaries, likes, and dislikes are, pertaining to affection and physical interaction in general. Then of course you lay out your ideal situation as well. Then, ideally, you compromise with things that you aren't personally firmly settled with to ensure both parties feel satisfied in the arrangement.

The part about not being firmly settled is important and very variable. Some asexuals are open to having sex for the sake of their partner and are more or less indifferent. Some are the same, but can actually find a bit of pleasure out of the stimulation. Others like myself don't see themselves ever having sex in the same way that a straight person doesn't seem themselves having sex with the same sex. Beyond just sex, some asexuals are still very affectionate and may kiss and cuddle for hours, whilst some may avoid that all entirely.

TL;DR: communicate regularly and healthily about the boundaries that probably will exist in your relationship and make sure everyone is on the same page so there aren't any surprises.

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Onto what my ideal relationship is like, since you seem curious about everyone's experiences...

"What do you enjoy doing together?" My favorite activities were non-sexual. Biking in the woods, eating by a lake, cuddling for hours, going to her recitals, etc. Anything and everything that gives me quality time with my partner is a plus.

"Do you have a set boundary for physical activities?" You'll find that most asexuals do. Not all, I presume anyway, but most. My limit is when the activities turn sexual in nature. I'm not into it, so it's bad for me. And if I'm not into it, it surely isn't good for the other person, either. Usually for me this is when making out and groping comes into play. I've done it plenty of times for the sake of the other person and have gone a bit farther, but I'd draw my boundaries in this general area. Not to mention, what's the point in dabbling in slightly sexual activities with someone that is prone to want more after such stimulation? Makes more sense to draw the boundary before that. But my actual comfort boundary I suppose lies in what would come after that.

"Things you enjoy doing with them." If we're going for the number one thing, it's probably cuddling. I'm embarrassingly affectionate, given the chance to be. Makes me miss having a relationship just thinking about it.

"Even just things you're comfortable / like about your partner." I'll touch on two more things you might be curious about here, then. With the comfortability thing, nudity popped into my head. That's another thing people might have boundaries for. To me, I'm not picky about nudity at all. Doesn't bother me. Especially with someone that is my partner...if I should be comfortable nude with anyone, it should be them. But, as always, there are some people that simply aren't comfortable with this. Again, communication is key. And the other thing I'll touch on is physical attributes. Whilst I don't experience sexual attraction, I can certainly recognize the difference between someone being a slob without decent hygiene versus someone who spent time getting ready for an occasion. So the concept of someone being "gorgeous" or the like isn't lost on me, so physical attributes can fall into the category of things I've liked in a partner. I want to say that people call this "aesthetic attraction" or something similar.

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"so I can really be there for my boyfriend" again, communication. I can't lay out his boundaries. You two will figure it out and rock the relationship.

"and any future aces I meet in the future" just be a decent person with a bit of empathy. I try to understand sexual people as much as I can, so try to do the same for asexuals and see that they do the same for you.

"or sexual people who need help in understanding the term" Good luck. Asexuals have a hard enough time for this one. I know people that bring up "non-binary" genders and resulting sexualities don't like this, but the easiest way I've been able to explain it has been this way: heterosexuals are sexually attracted to the opposite sex, homosexuals to the same; bisexuals to both and asexuals to neither. It makes the point so simple that anyone who doesn't at least get the concept probably doesn't care to know about it.

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spurgle

Communication is vital and setting the boundaries as early as possible is key. Every ace will have their own personal boundaries, likes, dislikes and things that make them uncomfortable. And they only way to discover boundaries is to talk to your partner.

I came out to my girlfriend yesterday and she was really supportive of my boundaries. I am sex repulsed so intercouse for me is a no, but I'm comfortable with other aspects that other people may not be.

It's all about finding a balance that your both comfortable with.

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firestring

I don't have much to add since I've never been in a relationship. But it makes me so happy to know there are sexual women who are happy to be in a relationship without having sex. :)

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HighDrive

We are quite compatible and enjoy many things together and we also have our own personal interests and do them separately. Even then we enjoy seeing that each other enjoys their own things.

Philysicaly, we are discovering what she likes and what she is indifferent or dislikes. I only like doing what she enjoys. And now that she identifies as an ace, she is relaxed through that discovery as we already know the main things she doesn't like and we don't do them. Indifference or dislike are a turn off for me.

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VonDayk

I guess a lot of it depends on how asexual your boyfriend really is, and also if he has a romantic predisposition - I will answer assuming he is somewhere in the gray area, and IS romantic (since he is in a Romantic relationship with you), based on my own experience as a male who is both a gray ace and Romantic (I am in my 30s and as far back as high school I was always involved in close and caring Romantic relationship with women - so much so that it took me a decade to realize I was actually definitely gray ace and not just "vanilla/clumsy/boring" about sex). Here is one example, which could help you set boundaries:

My first sexual relationship happened in college, and in retrospective I know it was destroyed precisely because my boundaries as gray ace were broken (of course I did not know I was gray ace then). We were both virgin and my gf was quite sexual, conventionally attractive but very shy and unassuming. We were very emotionally involved and dating for a month or so and making out intensely with clothes on, in a slightly sexual way, It was very arousing and since I had spent the recent 2 months not masturbating once (in my freshman year, and I had no idea I was asexual, duh!), one time I orgasmed by accident. I was very embarrassed about it but she thought it was a sort of adventure. We both didn't want sex at the time, but after this accident we discovered the joy masturbating together (usually in the dark, under a blanket, holding hands) and it was a cute and a very romantic experience. We did it for several months, My gf soon got a lot bolder, asking to give me blowjobs with no condom (I wouldn't allow), and sharing fantasies about us having penetrative sex (and about having sex with another guy from her class!). I was very nervous about us having sex, but i thought it was all due to the fact I was also a virgin, and we should just get over it. In the end, I convinced her to do it but she couldn't go through with it (inhibitions I guess), and I felt really ashamed and devastated, we had a big falling out, several grand arguments and I broke up with her, and she lost her virginity to the other guy within a day or two. I realize now I did not want to go through with the sex. but did it for her, and when she rejected me I felt very wrong. I should have stuck with my boundaries and (maybe) the sex would have happened naturally at some point, if it was right. Interestingly, I never felt jealous about her losing her virginity to another guy, in fact I was happy for her. I now know it was because I really wanted her to be happy, much more than I craved her body or the sex. If your boyfriend is like that, I would advise to really show him that he makes you happy emotionally and sexually - if he is romantic he may be aroused by that thought, even if he is not attracted to your body.

A few other boundaries I later found our I had about sexual activities with my partners:

1. No dirty language. It makes me really uncomfortable, because it is all about craving someone's physiology, bodily functions and the cliches really distract me. When I am having sex I am focusing on the thought that I am making the other person happy, and this is what is truly arousing for me. I have no problem with verbal obscenity, am not scandalized by it, but it just totally distracts.

2. No domination (by me or my partner), no violent play and no expression of pain - for the same above reason. I have had girlfriends with BDSM fantasies and could never fit in them. Worst is with girls who want to feel dominated by the male. One of the strongest features of my gray-acedness is that on some level I completely reject gender roles, when they are of the domination-submission kind. I can't imagine any asexual falling for this, unless they are sociopaths.

3. No special focus on my penis. I would imagine no male on the asexuality spectrum would ever think of calling his penis a name, it's not that I am ashamed or reject that I have it, it's just a part of me that's no more special than my big toe, and just happens to give me and my partner pleasure, which is great, but it is extremely distracting when during some sexual activity it pops up as a topic of conversation and personification, it just feels completely weird and silly to me.

But in the end I maybe also have some good news for you! Being gray ace (at least my type of it) has some great advantages for a relationship as follows:

1. Your bf has no serious attaction to your body, which means he also probably does not have a "repulsion response" conditioned by media/porn female body types. E.g. if you pinch your belly fat at him, or don't shave your vagina, or pee with the door open, or break wind, maybe he would be more accepting of it, since bodies are natural things and he has no hyper-conditioned attraction/repulsion response. But don't quote me on that,I am sure there are other types of asexual males with such inhibitions.

2. If the above is correct, then it gets even better with age, when I guess the average sexual men with this response start having it with their ageing partners, but they have no gray ace decades of experience to deal with it. I have a suspicion gray ace men could even give their partners better sexual experiences at some point when they are older, especially if it is based on love and care.

3. Your bf would be not be easily susceptible by seduction or sexual flirting with other women. If he is attractive/smart/successful chances are these instances will come to pass, and he will reject them without too much effort. But be careful, he may still be vulnerable to falling for non-sexual crushes, emotional attachments, or even occasional episodes of physical attraction to other women, but if he knows himself and feels secure happy in your relationship, he just won't act on them, when sexual men would find it hard to resist the temptation.

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TeaMistress

As an asexual myself in not sure how much advice I can offer for a sexual person, but I can attempt to give a view of what the other side can be like for some of us.

As everyone else has said, communication is super important. My partner tends to go with simply asking if a certain thing would be okay.

Another thing that doesn't seem to have been mentioned, but that I think is really important, is that boundaries can fluctuate for some people. Obviously I don't know your partner to speak for him, but for me I might be okay with a hand on my stomach one day, and the next be completely repulsed by the idea. It's important to keep this in mind, so you don't start to feel like you've done something wrong. It isn't anyone's fault that the boundary has changed, nothing bad has happened to make it that way.

I hope this has been at least a tiny bit helpful.

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