Might I be non-binary or demi-male?

[Sutaomiiru]

(Edit: I wrote this 11 pm, so I blame my sleepiness if it is difficult to read)

I had parts of this discussion in a private chat two weeks ago, but the issue has still been bothering me. What happened that I one night had sleeping problems, as I somehow ended up questioning my gender whilst trying to sleep.

(The spoilers describe my thoughts about my personal body parts)

As a background story, I had considered myself unquestionably male until this or the previous year. The main reason is probably that I simply never considered gender distinct from biological sex until I learned about trans and non-binary people. Until that, I held the opinion that, let's say men who likes traditionally female expression, simply should ignore all norms and live their dreams, without being considered any less masculine. That is still my opinion, but now I know that some people actually do not identify with their assigned genders; and not only do I respect them, but I also look up to them for fulfilling their wishes. However, I sort of believe (keep in mind that I have not done any researched, or talked to any trans or non-binary person about the subject. These are purely speculations, which I would love to have questioned if you disagree) that biological sex would had been enough, if gender roles and such had not been assigned to them. That unbased speculation however is partially disproved by body dysphorias. The point is that I believe someone should be able to act as "masculine" or "feminine" as they wish, without having to be considered a certain gender. You could perhaps say that I believe all people to be agender.

Anyway, that is why I consider myself a gender nonconformist, at the moment. I am biologically male, and I have been content with calling myself male for nearly my whole life. That was before I learned that even some of my progressive friends defined "masculinity" as macho though, which is a word I would never wish to describe myself with. I had expected that they would describe masculinity as nothing, which was and is still how would want to describe it.

Now, to the actual "anxiety" that I felt earlier. I started experimenting with the thought of being called gender neutral or female pronouns, as well as calling myself a daughter or sister, which turned out not repulsing at all. I also started considering whether me being male had restricted me in my life, and I actually came to the conclusion that it had. My Mom has at two occasions told me that people would call me a feminine version of my name (which I considered a great insult back then) if I would wear tights; the second time was even in my teens. They have also forbidden me from wearing knee-high socks, high socks at men are "universally the most hated sight by everyone" according to them. Dad has also scolded me for speaking with a light voice years ago, so now I unconsciously make my voice deeper when speaking to him. I can simply conclude that my parents, even though they are great in many other ways, are those who restricted me the most. (Notice that this entire paragraph refers to my thought while trying to sleep Friday night two weeks ago.)

After having the private conversation, I was cheered up, as I was reminded that I actually had no obligation to change my gender to express anything out of the norms for men. However, I started thinking more about the issue, and the possibility of being demigender struck me. A third reason for me never considering me non-binary was that I had been content with being male for so long, as well the fact that I do not believe that I ever will consider myself female. I thought that it would be an insult to all who has struggled for so long to find their identity if I would casually call myself agender or non-binary. My gender issues has mostly been those I mentioned, and my main body dysphoria has been about me considering

emasculation

out of practical reasons.

I continued this week by doing some quizzes regarding gender, all of them resulting in me being a- or demigender. I would not say that my answers were unbiased, but of course internet quizzes should not be considered evidence for much. But one of the questions caught my interest. It told me to imagine myself having a neutral or feminine body, both of which were sort of appealing thoughts (Except for breasts, I would never want those). I started thinking back to a few years ago, when my body actually had a somewhat feminine shape. I can remember seeing my shadow, thinking "I am happy with looking like this". I even once had to buy ladies' pants, because all the male pants were too big. Once again, that happiness was taken away by my parents, who seemed to think that I had an eating disorder (I should probably not be too harsh at them in that issue (They did however tell me that I ate like a girl)).

I also have memories of thinking that being naked would not feel as impure if I did not have my thing outside of my body

.

So now I am really starting to wonder if I might be a demiguy, non-binary, agender, or neutrois. Perhaps you guys could help me figuring this out?

Thank you if you read this far. I truly appreciate the time you took for this, and if you are able to help me.

[Heart]

First off, nonbinary is an umbrella term for anything other than man or woman, so it's a good one to use if you feel the need for a word to describe yourself while you figure out the specifics. And heck, it may end up describing you period, so it's at least a start on the genderqueer journey and possibly even an end.

The others are more specific, and have correspondingly more specific definitions. From reading your post, it leads me to feel like demiguy is a good one to try on first. Does that resonate? It's a good one for if you are kinda attached to being a man, but not enough to completely identify with "man" as a gender (or boy, or dude, or whatever your chosen word is; not all men identify as men, some are boys, some are dudes, etc, and that doesn't make them any less a part of the masculine binary gender).

It sounds to me like you do kinda feel a sense of gender though? If you feel a sense of gender, but are just confused as to what it is, then you can rule out agender, and that brings you one more step closer to a comfortable label, I suppose ;)

Otherwise, I'd suggest just trying out labels and seeing how they feel. You don't have to get it right the first time. Many people don't, after all.

[LadyErzsebet]

Heart (as is usual) has super awesome and helpful things to say so I'll just add that you shouldn't be afraid to try stuff out. Gender is super weird and confusing and wherever it takes you, just know that there's nothing at all wrong with that. :D

[Sutaomiiru]

Thank you, Heart and Erzebet. I would claim that I feel gender, for I truly believe it to be nothing but a social construct (or for the non-binary options: natural responses to the silliness of the traditional gender system). I would rather say that I am used to the idea of being male, no matter how "feminine" I would be or wish to be. But I do agree that I maybe should try labels out. I have actually been thinking about asking some friends to call me by a gender neutral pronoun.

Back when I first joined AVEN, I would tell some people that I identified as neutrois or agender, mostly as a statement against gender roles, but also for my wish to be anatomically gender neutral (I may or may not have understated those thoughts in the original post). I abounded that term however, as I feared that it would be disrespectful against those who have gone through real suffering when it comes to gender.

Edit: Also, there is yet another reason that I have not decided to consider myself anything but male. When earlier considering calling myself agender, I thought that people still would not see me as neutral. I would perhaps wear women's coats and knee-highs, but mostly, I would still mostly wear men's clothes. Furthermore, my behavior would probably not suggest me that I am gender neutral, at least not in other's eyes.

[Sutaomiiru]

I took some time to google demigender, and it would appear in forum posts that some who identify as demi have experiences somewhat similar to mine.

[Heart]

The perhaps trying on the demigender label is a good place to start ^_^

[Calligraphette_Coe]

So now I am really starting to wonder if I might be a demiguy, non-binary, agender, or neutrois. Perhaps you guys could help me figuring this out?

Thank you if you read this far. I truly appreciate the time you took for this, and if you are able to help me.

What would you do if you could go to the Gender Store and shop for one that fits you? Once you know the answer to that (and the answer can evolve over time, that's ok, too), you Just Know. You find yourself drifting away from the definitions and labels and just living your life in a more comfortable place when you look at the person in the mirror. You feel unbound.

I pretty much got thrown out at 18 by my parents because of my gender "non-compliance", and it was difficult for a while, but it felt like the right thing to do, and I never looked back.

People will always freak out about gender non-comformance, but the world is changing-- maybe someday will be able to say, with total confidence that that is "more about them than about you."

[Heart]

What would you do if you could go to the Gender Store and shop for one that fits you? Once you know the answer to that (and the answer can evolve over time, that's ok, too), you Just Know. You find yourself drifting away from the definitions and labels and just living your life in a more comfortable place when you look at the person in the mirror. You feel unbound.

This. Just this, so perfectly worded

[Sutaomiiru]

So now I am really starting to wonder if I might be a demiguy, non-binary, agender, or neutrois. Perhaps you guys could help me figuring this out?

Thank you if you read this far. I truly appreciate the time you took for this, and if you are able to help me.

What would you do if you could go to the Gender Store and shop for one that fits you? Once you know the answer to that (and the answer can evolve over time, that's ok, too), you Just Know. You find yourself drifting away from the definitions and labels and just living your life in a more comfortable place when you look at the person in the mirror. You feel unbound.

Hopefully, I can reach that state somehow, Calligraphette. In a worst case scenario, I might simply stick with labelling myself a non-conformist, and that would not be a very bad scenario either. I am so sorry that your parents would not accept you, but it is great that you found peace in your identity despite of them.

I am lucky to that my parents probably could be convinced, if I actually would gather the courage to talk with them about these things (And enough courage not to get scared as soon as Dad raises his voice).

The perhaps trying on the demigender label is a good place to start ^_^

I shall try to bring up the subject to some friends, and see what they have to say. I am certain that they will be supportive at least.

It is a little comical, that I would end up having these issues almost exactly a year after another person in this friend network came out as transgender. At least I know how supportive my friends can be.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Hopefully, I can reach that state somehow, Calligraphette. In a worst case scenario, I might simply stick with labelling myself a non-conformist, and that would not be a very bad scenario either. I am so sorry that your parents would not accept you, but it is great that you found peace in your identity despite of them.

I am lucky to that my parents probably could be convinced, if I actually would gather the courage to talk with them about these things (And enough courage not to get scared as soon as Dad raises his voice).

I hope so, too. I spent soo much time being unhappy and troubled with all the things that happened to me, and gender had to do with a lot of it. It felt like I had to be presenting a certain face to the world that wasn't me at all, just to avoid getting beat up and not being able to find work, possibly not being able to get medical care, and finding someone with whom to spend my life. So when I see that someone else may not have to walk that difficult path and has the support of those around her, I say a little prayer of thanks to the universe.

One does as one must, and it's often a mistake to take a chisel to your feelings and identity to make yourself more 'normal'. In the end, what you give up is sooo much of yourself that you can't get it back. So much water underneath the bridge, and so often so needlessly. It's not like we are harming anyone by not being classical in the performance of one's gender. Those feelings DO NOT happen in a vacuum, there is something driving them, and it can be a beautiful thing if the world would just let the lotus bloom, unfolding as it must according to its time and innateness.

[Heart]

The perhaps trying on the demigender label is a good place to start ^_^

I shall try to bring up the subject to some friends, and see what they have to say. I am certain that they will be supportive at least.

It is a little comical, that I would end up having these issues almost exactly a year after another person in this friend network came out as transgender. At least I know how supportive my friends can be.

That's awesome! It's always nice to have someone go first ^_^