Could he be asexual?

[iate]

Hi everyone.

I need help. Like DESPERATELY.

So, let's begin. I'm dating a guy. No, I should have written THE guy. And well. I'm starting to suspect that he might be asexual.

We've been friends for years. However, only recently we've started dating.

And you see - he's SOOOOO great. I'd say he's just the one for me. But I'm VERY sexual. In fact - I cannot imagine sexless life. Or relationship. It is just so natural for me to understand a relationship between two people as a sexual one.

From the beginnings of our dating - he's seemed shy. Ok, I thought it could be that. He didn't initialize anything. I was the one to do the first move. But ok, I thought it was the problem of his sexual inexperience. We did make out. He managed to please me. So did I to him. Still - it's MY initiative. What's more - we didn't manage to have sex itself. I mean - he couldn't manage. If you know what I mean.

I was patient. But what's suspicious - he's not touching me. We might be kissing for half an hour or so and his NOT TOUCHING me. When I try to do so - he's like a statue. Not moving. Not doing anything. Freezing. I'm getting the idea that he's not enjoying it. (I've mentioned that I can please him - only when he's physically very aroused, but from what I've learnt about asexuality, an ACE can be physically aroused, right?).

We are young. In our 20's. A normal hetero guy should be willing. And he seems to be not interested at all (expect for the situations where he looks like he's not able to stand it anymore, but it's still MY initiative).

What's also suspicious - I've confronted him with that. Asked openly about his orientation. Of course (he's that kind of guy that would never ever admit being asexual) he denied. But what's confusing me - he told me that he had considered being asexual. And I don't know ANY hetero guy that would be ever thinking about asexuality.

So my question - is it possible? Can he be asexual?

Please, please help. I'm getting depressed by that.

[TruBluMOM]

Sounds like he COULD be, but I wouldn't focus on the label, could be lots of things. I think the more relevant question is are the two of you compatible in a way that is mutually acceptable?

[iate]

I'm afraid we aren't - he's not feeling any needs for physical contact. Yet, he subjects to things I do. Or do things I suggest. But it's still feeling like I'm (sorry, but that's how I feel) raping him. And I don't want him to pretend things (I know him very well and that how he's probably going to behave). I'm not feeling like forcing thing upon him.

But I don't see sexless future as well.

So i guess it'd be more reasonable to end it before it gets too serious and to painful to break up :(

[heartfulReverie]

I think whether or not he's asexual the two of you need to sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Be patient! Come up with a plan for how you want your relationship to develop. You are not alone, many allosexuals in relationships with asexuals feel as if they are raping their partners regardless of whether it's true or not, and from what I understand while you might be the one initiating things, he has been consenting, so he does hold responsibility in this as well. Also, if he is asexual, what then? Do you plan on continuing your relationship with him? Will you stop being sexually intimate with one another? Perhaps discover new forms of physical intimacy? Even engage in an open relationship? These are all things that the two of you need to talk about. Communication is the key to every successful relationship. You'll never truly be happy together unless the two of you talk about and understand what you each want out of your relationship. I know it can be hard, but regardless of what happens, after having a serious discussion you can finally work through your issues in pursuit of a happy, healthy relationship or end things before they can get progressively worse and seek out a new relationship that can give you what your previous one couldn't. Remember to be openminded too. Happiness can sometimes be found in the most unexpected places.

[Tarfeather]

A normal hetero guy should be willing.

And I don't know ANY hetero guy that would be ever thinking about asexuality.

Eh, you don't, but then what do you know? I have a friend who had been avoiding sex for years and was pondering being asexual for a short while, only to find out he was perfectly normal sexual with the right person.

I think the concept of you specifically not being wanted, and yes, of leading a sexless life, are all things that you need to come to peace with in your mind. Your fear of those things will otherwise ruin your ability to make informed choices.

[-1=e^ipi]

Why not just ask if he is asexual?

[Telecaster68]

I don't know ANY hetero guy that would be ever thinking about asexuality.

Well, you do. Him.

The figure generally used on AVEN is that 1% of the population is asexual. So by that figure, unless you've had serious, open chats with 200 guys about whether they've thought they might be asexual, the numbers are against you knowing any others.

[TruBluMOM]

[...]

A normal hetero guy should be willing.

[...]

I don't know ANY hetero guy that would be ever thinking about asexuality.

[...]

Not to side track the post, but just a few comments on vocabulary, which may be helpful, as it appears you are new to this community and the terms and such can get overwhelming!

By "hetro" and "normal hetro", I think you mean "sexual" with "hetro" orientation (e.g. "hetro" attractions be they aesthetic, physical and/or romantic).

I would caution against using the word "normal" to mean the non-asexual community, which by extension, would mean that the asexual community (aka this audience) is something other than normal. My apoligies if I misunderstood what you meant.

[dash]

You may also want to read up on grey-asexuality and demisexuality, and discuss those resources with him. He may not be aware that an asexual person 1. may be heteroromantic, 2. may have a libido and/or masturbate, 3. may enjoy watching/reading porn or erotica, 4. may be grey ace or demi-ace.

This may open up deeper conversations about where he's at.

That said, some people who don't identify as ace just have a low libido. That's how it goes, and it's not "abnormal." Chances are, he's already feeling pretty self-conscious about it as it is, with how sex-obsessed this culture can be.

Bear in mind also that the concept of "enthusiastic consent" doesn't always work when one or both partners is asexual. Consent can still be valid even if it's not "enthusiastic," simply because some people don't ever, as a matter of their orientation, feel that way about others. That doesn't mean that they can't consent to you doing things to them that make you happy, because they like making you happy, or to doing things to you that make you happy.

(Unless what makes you happy is someone really wanting you sexually, "gimme that right now," i.e. if what makes you happy (and makes sex enjoyable) is not sex itself, but "being wanted" + sex.)

If you need a partner who desires you sexually and takes initiative and really really finds you hot in order to be happy in a relationship, then chances are someone with low libido or someone on the ace spectrum is not going to be compatible with you. If you're OK with someone consenting to sexual contact (you taking the initiative) when they're in the mood, and can accept that they're never going to "really want you right now," then there's more room for compromise.

[Telecaster68]

"If you need a partner who desires you sexually and takes initiative and really really finds you hot in order to be happy in a relationship, then chances are someone with low libido or someone on the ace spectrum is not going to be compatible with you. If you're OK with someone consenting to sexual contact (you taking the initiative) when they're in the mood, and can accept that they're never going to "really want you right now," then there's more room for compromise."

For the sexual, that whole being wanted bit is integral to sex, otherwise it's just masturbating with someone else's body (which seems to be how many asexuals view sex anyhow). As well as frequency and maybe types of activity, accepting the absence of 'gimme that right now' is one of the emotional compromises sexuals have to make.

[dash]

For the sexual, that whole being wanted bit is integral to sex, otherwise it's just masturbating with someone else's body (which seems to be how many asexuals view sex anyhow). As well as frequency and maybe types of activity, accepting the absence of 'gimme that right now' is one of the emotional compromises sexuals have to make.

Yes, this!

[iate]

Oh, thank you people for all your replies! I haven’t checked this topic in some time, hence I need to make a little bit longer answer.

Firstly:

I would caution against using the word "normal" to mean the non-asexual community, which by extension, would mean that the asexual community (aka this audience) is something other than normal. My apoligies if I misunderstood what you meant.

Well, I didn't want to hurt anybody's feeling with such a statement. I wrote "normal hetero" since I wanted to write about normality for heterosexual males. That didn't suggest that asexuality isn't normal, since it's separate orientation. Anyway - sorry for putting it like that. I do respect other people's feelings and choices. And everyone has the RIGHT to do/feel/be anything/anyone he wants to. Yet, I still think that majority of heterosexual men do not behave like mine.

Secondly:

Almost all of you've mentioned that I should talk with him. I did try it for the second time, but was again denied. Of course - it might be the truth and he's not asexual. But what's puzzling me - we all know how our society's working. There's great sexual pressure on people. The concept of being bi/hetero/asexual, even though completely normal, it's not very popular. And for some guys - it's just kind of flaw on their masculinity to come out as gay. That's why there are so much crypto-gays. And the boy I'm talking about is just such a guy. I just know him too well to be sure that, no matter is he indeed is asexual or not, he would never ever admit that. No, jest just too "masculine" for that. I hope that you know what I mean - the idea of admitting that in our sex-obsessed world he's just simply not interested would make him less of a man in his own eyes. That's why I don't think he would ever reconcile himself to any other orientation than heterosexuality.

Anyway - we talk. He mentioned that he had used to watch porn. And masturbate. And that he'd had sexual dreams.

I'm quite new to the asexuality. I had known about it, but wasn't really interested in such a topic before. Hence I don't know if that makes any proof against my suspicions.

Third:

For the sexual, that whole being wanted bit is integral to sex, otherwise it's just masturbating with someone else's body (which seems to be how many asexuals view sex anyhow). As well as frequency and maybe types of activity, accepting the absence of 'gimme that right now' is one of the emotional compromises sexuals have to make.

Well, perfectly said. I think that's how I could sum up my thoughts - I do not only want him to agree to have any sexual actions with me, but I just simply want him to want that.

I think the concept of you specifically not being wanted, and yes, of leading a sexless life, are all things that you need to come to peace with in your mind. Your fear of those things will otherwise ruin your ability to make informed choices.

I guess so.

I still have idealistic vision of the world where two people want each other and have good sex. And are happy with that. Or two people not wanting sex at all. Not doing that. And being perfectly fine and happy with it.

I just think that the problem is that we're not compatible, no matter where the source of problem is.

Thank you again for your help!