young dysphoria

[ltronven]

First of all, I am a male (or at least to the world). I have been questioning my gender preference for a while and I feel I am in a tricky situation. I am young, in school still and my family aren't incredibly supportive (ie. My mother is fairly transphobic and is very into societal gender roles, my sister is young and doesn't understand what I would be doing and my father doesn't step in and is very quiet and the 'keep to yourself' kind of type). I also have the next problem of being very introverted and scared to come out as what I really am to anybody to the point of my friends have described me as "Mysterious" and "concealed". By contrast to my family, my friends are very open-minded and liberal but they wouldn't understand what it is like to be how I am no matter how open-minded they are. My friends are supportive, all granted but they are not the kind of friends that you feel that you can trust as such, we keep very little contact outside of school and when we do it is for alternate reasoning than 'emotional release'.

Another main complexion in this story is that I have a girlfriend. Though her and I are happy together (or at least on my end) I feel almost guilty from not talking to her about it. once again like my friends, she is very open-minded and liberal but I would feel awful coming out as her 'female boyfriend' and I don't feel confident that she would accept that; even though I brought up the topic with her and she said she would be okay with it. Yes, she is completely fine with dating people who are physically males and name themselves as females but I have spent almost a year as we are and she seems happy, I don't want to hurt or confuse her and she has enough problems as it is. I love her very much and that is part of the reason for my guilt.

It is not just my gender orientation that has been leaving me in a mess recently; I have recently discovered that I like both men, women and non-gender binary people sexually and emotionally, but have also been keeping this in the dark. I have also been feeling a lot of pressure in my life to comply with gender roles even though everybody around me tells me to ignore them and "do what feels right". I don't want to be the 'macho man' who goes to the gym twice a week and goes to the bar on a Friday night for a drink with the lads, but on the other hand I don't want to be the 'stay at home' kind of woman that society expects women to be.

Another thing which confuses me is clothing. I have longed for the ability to wear any clothes I want and not be judged, which is part of the longing for being a female. The fact that men can wear men's fashion exclusively but women can pull of both has always left me with a deep sense of confusion and underwear are especially confusing. At every opportunity I have readied myself to the idea of wearing a dress or a skirt to the point that Halloweens have become a day where I dress in whatever I want and 'laugh it off as a joke' but really feel comfortable that nobody is judging me at that time.

I am confused and I really don't want to talk to anybody in person about this; hence the reason for me joining this website and posting this. I would really appreciate any support on this and if anybody has a similar issue to me then I would love to hear about it.

Thanks

[Jea]

Hi,

first of all, welcome here. I don't have a similar issue since I am a cis girl, but I can and will offer support.

Why do you say that your friends wouldn't understand? You say that they are very open minded. Perhaps one of them is even struggling with a similar issue. Even if they wouldn't understand it fully, perhaps they would listen and accept you as a woman. I understand, however, that it is very hard to talk about it to people in real life.

For the gender roles, I don't agree with them. I don't agree with the people who do not only follow them, but also despise those who don't. I'm not into a girl role either, I wear girl clothes but often men's hoodies and neutral sport shoes, and I don't accept to be made to feel inferior by a macho man. I think you should be free to be the person you want, regardless of any role you are pressured into adopting. It can be harder depending on where you live, but always remember that you are your own person.

As for your girlfriend, I think honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you love her and she loves you, if she has told you that it would not be a problem for her, talk to her. Be honest. That's the best advice I can give, because I don't think lying to the people who really matter to us is an option. Trusting her with the truth might mean a lot to her.

I hope this helps you :)

[ltronven]

Hi,

first of all, welcome here. I don't have a similar issue since I am a cis girl, but I can and will offer support.

Why do you say that your friends wouldn't understand? You say that they are very open minded. Perhaps one of them is even struggling with a similar issue. Even if they wouldn't understand it fully, perhaps they would listen and accept you as a woman. I understand, however, that it is very hard to talk about it to people in real life.

For the gender roles, I don't agree with them. I don't agree with the people who do not only follow them, but also despise those who don't. I'm not into a girl role either, I wear girl clothes but often men's hoodies and neutral sport shoes, and I don't accept to be made to feel inferior by a macho man. I think you should be free to be the person you want, regardless of any role you are pressured into adopting. It can be harder depending on where you live, but always remember that you are your own person.

As for your girlfriend, I think honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you love her and she loves you, if she has told you that it would not be a problem for her, talk to her. Be honest. That's the best advice I can give, because I don't think lying to the people who really matter to us is an option. Trusting her with the truth might mean a lot to her.

I hope this helps you :)

To start this helps a lot. As for my friends though, I don't trust them with this on the basis that they are not the kind of people you leave your trust in. they are amazing for cheering you up if you are having a bad day, they are great for if you need to have a laugh but they don't seem like they would care about it all that much. It may be a wrong assumption but that is what I am feeling.

Next up, my girlfriend, I have been wondering whether I should tell her for a while but I didn't know how to bring it up. I will try and bring it up but I find it very difficult when we are in a nice conversation to come out of it and just say 'yeah, i class myself as a female'.

Thank you very much for this and it has helped a lot. :)

[borealmist]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Have some cake :cake:

First of all, I am a male (or at least to the world). I have been questioning my gender preference for a while and I feel I am in a tricky situation. I am young, in school still and my family aren't incredibly supportive

Well, the later school years are, frankly, the worst period in life for these issues. It's when people start developing the sense of identity and sexuality much more strongly than before, yet you're stuck in a situation where most people are not in control of who they associate with, not being able to move, change classes or seek employment elsewhere.

For most, it gets better. A lot better. These days there's at least the internet to find like minded.

I would feel awful coming out as her 'female boyfriend' and I don't feel confident that she would accept that; even though I brought up the topic with her and she said she would be okay with it. Yes, she is completely fine with dating people who are physically males and name themselves as females but I have spent almost a year as we are and she seems happy, I don't want to hurt or confuse her and she has enough problems as it is. I love her very much and that is part of the reason for my guilt.

Don't feel pressured to let labels define you, labels are only useful when they help you understand yourself or explain things to others. From this post it doesn't sound as if you're experiencing massive dysphoria or feel like you're a woman in the wrong body. Ultimately, you're just yourself and you don't _have_ to come out as anything but that unless you feel a need to. You can take it slow and try out minor things that you feel you'd like, without having to define yourself as this or that. Female, male, you don't have to be either or, and liking things that are stereotypically any gender is fine whatever gender you feel like.

So if you want to, and feel it would make you feel better, I think she can probably handle it, but don't feel you have to be either or and decide now out of pressure to be certain about identity.

It is not just my gender orientation that has been leaving me in a mess recently; I have recently discovered that I like both men, women and non-gender binary people sexually and emotionally, but have also been keeping this in the dark. I have also been feeling a lot of pressure in my life to comply with gender roles even though everybody around me tells me to ignore them and "do what feels right". I don't want to be the 'macho man' who goes to the gym twice a week and goes to the bar on a Friday night for a drink with the lads, but on the other hand I don't want to be the 'stay at home' kind of woman that society expects women to be.

Well, for the sexual orientation, there's nothing wrong with that, but as you have a girlfriend it might be something to wait with experimenting with, unless she's into that. For the pressure, yeah, school, and family. It gets better. And like I said, what society expects you to be is not something that you must care about in the end. You can be whoever you want to be, and the people who impress me the most in this world are those who end up daring to be themselves and pave the way for others to be as well. Not as easy for all of us, I know.

Another thing which confuses me is clothing. I have longed for the ability to wear any clothes I want and not be judged, which is part of the longing for being a female. The fact that men can wear men's fashion exclusively but women can pull of both has always left me with a deep sense of confusion and underwear are especially confusing. At every opportunity I have readied myself to the idea of wearing a dress or a skirt to the point that Halloweens have become a day where I dress in whatever I want and 'laugh it off as a joke' but really feel comfortable that nobody is judging me at that time.

Yeah, that's frankly somewhat unfair. Not only do women have a much larger variety of cool clothing, but a woman in jeans and a flannel shirt won't even cause a raised eyebrow while if a man wears heels and a corset, then suddenly he's a 'transvestite'. Hrm.

Still, there's historical precedence for a variety of clothing styles for men as well, including heels, skirts and dresses. The current boring dearth of variety just seems unusually bad.

Again, I can only comfort you that when you get out of school there are many trans-* or fetishist communities where you can wear whatever you want without being judged. I've always been in awe of trans-*. If they have a difficult time with completely pullling it off, then for their uncompromising courage and defiance, if they're great at pulling it off, then for their amazing skill and adaptability. Some of the coolest people I've met. :)

[ltronven]

Thank you very much, I am in the higher years of school but as you said it is around this time that I feel like I am beginning to be aware of my identity but i have had these thoughts for my whole life, even as a young child I have always dreamed of knowing what it is like to be a girl. I get that there are periods and childbirth but that doesn't seem to phase me, just what I think.

Overall thank you very much, this has helped me decide what I want to do a lot more and it is nice to know that there are people who understand what I feel.

[nerdperson777]

Well, I can understand about not being that close to school friends. I was like that. The closest anyone got to me was knowing my phone number and maybe where I lived. I declined going to an all-girl sleep over. And for your gender identity, I can suggest non-binary, agender, etc. Non-binary would be feeling something in between, not exactly fully male or female. Agender, not feeling like having a gender. Oh, maybe demiboy/guy. Feeling part boy/guy but not totally. That one I've seen a few times.

[ltronven]

Well, I can understand about not being that close to school friends. I was like that. The closest anyone got to me was knowing my phone number and maybe where I lived. I declined going to an all-girl sleep over. And for your gender identity, I can suggest non-binary, agender, etc. Non-binary would be feeling something in between, not exactly fully male or female. Agender, not feeling like having a gender. Oh, maybe demiboy/guy. Feeling part boy/guy but not totally. That one I've seen a few times.

I dont really want to define myself yet, i feel like i will do that at a later date but thank you for the different labels

[scarletlatitude]

moving from the Gray Area to the Gender Discussion forum

scarletlatitude

Grey Area mod

[Kappamaki]

I'll second that it's probably toughest for you right now. In the most likely future, you'll be more independent with more agency, you'll be in a more trans-friendly environment (without strict gender-role parents or high school's constraints), and you'll have had more time to understand yourself and your needs and how to deal with things and live life well.

As for what you can do right now... I'd say there are three things. If you're already doing these things, keep doing it!

A) Research gender. Online is the best place to do this. It really helps to be aware of things and gain the language to contextualize and understand your own experiences as well as understand the landscape and environment for trans people where you live in England and elsewhere. Research can also give you the tools you need to live comfortably and to defeat trans-negative arguments in argumentative combat, making coming out and gaining access to HRT or whatever else you need/want much easier.

B) This kind of overlaps with A, but it's a good idea to be at least a little bit in touch with online trans communities. Speaking about your own experiences and having real people write responses specifically to you is good. You're already doing this! Keep at it.

C) It's really important to be able to be honest and open with people you know in meatspace, too. Ideally, you'd be out to everyone you know and they'd all accept you, but even having just a few confidantes is far better than not having them. This is definitely the scariest step in the whole trans thing and, to be honest, it's the riskiest. Ill can come of this, but also great good - there are people whose families have disowned them, and people whose families became their strongest allies and advocates, and people who lose some friends and get far tighter with others. Almost nobody has solely positive or negative experiences. I'd say it might be a good idea to test the waters a little bit by mentioning trans things with some friends without outing yourself. But also remember - people can surprise you in good ways. You're probably more likely to fear the negative than anticipate the positive, so you might have a bleaker view than the reality, and also, people who aren't that trans-positive in the abstract often come around very quickly once they realize it's their own friends and loved ones they're talking about.

[affi]

I can't relate to your specific issues, but I can relate to feeling oppressed by your friends and family, and feeling forced into a role that doesn't fit you. Sorry if some of this isn't helpful to you! Just my personal experiences.

I despise this phrase, but "it gets better", it really does. When you're younger and still living under your parents, it's sometimes impossible to be fully yourself and still be safe. But being safe is very important. I know that doesn't help you right now and it doesn't make you feel better right now. Believe me, I've been there. But if you can get through this and be out on your own, you will be so much happier.

Something I've learned is that people do not necessarily need to understand, all they need to do is accept. Of course no one can possibly know exactly how it feels to be you! Just like you can't know exactly what it feels like to be them. But they can accept that you do feel that way. And if they can't accept your feelings, then maybe they aren't worth being around. It sucks to lose friends, but IMO it's better to be yourself and be alone than have a lot of friends but being dishonest about yourself. But on the other hand, if you don't feel like your friends are emotionally close, then maybe you don't need to tell them at all! It's really none of their business.

Since you're not comfortable with labeling yourself (yet), maybe it's easier not to. Just be yourself as much as you safely can, and let people think of you how they will. It's sometimes easier for others to accept you as yourself without a label, labels can be scary and make others prejudiced. If you don't define yourself, you can just be "(your name)" instead of "the transgender guy." For example, since I identify as asexual, saying "sex isn't a priority for me" is a lot less scary than saying "I'm asexual", if people are uncomfortable.

[butterflydreams]

B) This kind of overlaps with A, but it's a good idea to be at least a little bit in touch with online trans communities. Speaking about your own experiences and having real people write responses specifically to you is good. You're already doing this! Keep at it.

Good advice all around Kappamaki! I wanted to highlight this one in particular though since my experience seems to be very different. I actually harbored quite a bit of animosity towards LGBT groups when I was younger (I won't lie, latent remnants are still there). It wasn't because I had anything against being gay or trans or whatever, but because people in those groups that I saw seemed to be inextricably bound to other ideologies and social circles that I wanted no part of at all.

It's hard to describe, but basically I felt very excluded, and since all I ever saw were trans people who were also involved with those other ideologies or social circles, I couldn't possibly be trans. So I never even considered it. Groups and communities are weird, and they rarely exist in complete isolation. For some reason LGBT groups in particular seem to be very tied to certain politics, ideologies, etc. And if you go by some observations, they all have piercings, colored hair, and are really into sex, etc.

Not true at all of course, but it can feel really alienating sometimes if you're conservative (or even just apolitical, I loathe traditional activism for example) plain or just otherwise quiet and shy *raises hand*. So my suggestion would be to leverage groups and communities as far as you can, but don't feel bad if you have to drop them. Being trans is being trans. It has nothing to do with anything else, even if people love to conflate it with other things.

[ltronven]

Thank you to everyone for all of this advice, I definitely feel a lot more comfortable with who I am and who I want to be with other people who can relate to me and if not then at least be able to give helpful advice on this. I think knowing all of this and knowing where to go from here will improve my outlook and my opinion of myself and other massively and I think it will help me have a more positive approach to further exploring myself.

I definitely feel that this release has made me feel more comfortable with my situation and in all honesty I never expected such a response. I spent some time looking on other forums and I thought it would late as much as a week to even be noticed so to have all of this in a matter of days was fantastic.

All in all, thank you to every one who helped and I will take this forward to understanding me.