Si_346 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 When you're on a relationship with someone sexual and they want to have intercourse is it hard for you to get an erection, or to keep it up throughout? If so, how difficult is it for you to perform with your partner? Does it hurt? Edit: I started dating a girl. I don't know if I'm asexual or not. I haven't brought it up with anyone until now because I'm just not sure. I don't think I'd mind having sex with her for her, I haven't thought about it at all, but she's giving me the vibes she wants to do it soon and I'd do it just for her, and to also get an answer...I guess I'd like to know just in case so I can brace myself for when it happens - in case things go tits up in the heat of the moment. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Reject it. I make it clear right from the start (first date) that intercourse will never be an option in any relationship I will enter, fullstop. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Before I learned that asexuality was a concept I did have intercourse and it was a mixed bag. The big problem for me was not with a physical erection, because my body responded to the sight of a ready and willing partner. The problem was total dissociation and not really experiencing anything that was going on. My partners took it personally and variously thought that I didn't care for them or that I found them unattractive. I guess at least I know what it's like but never having done it would have been better, if I could have found out what it's like some other way. Compromise sex is not all that uncommon in mixed partnerships (where only one partner is asexual). It's tough and can get rollecoastery but I'm told some people have made it work. The key is not to ambush your partner because that just makes things worse. Make it clear up front what's going on with you so they can make an informed decision. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Reject it. I make it clear right from the start (first date) that intercourse will never be an option in any relationship I will enter, fullstop. Can I just say I really admire you for having the courage to do that? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Hopefully without TMI, I couldn't keep things going or "seal the deal" when I tried to be physically intimate. I just found the whole process boring and a "turnoff". I guess different guys have different experiences, but I couldn't "perform". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
That asexual guy Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I didn't have problems with an erection because I responded to stimulus. But my mind always wandered. And TMI I sometimes faked it (you can do that with a condom) just to stop. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Reject it. I make it clear right from the start (first date) that intercourse will never be an option in any relationship I will enter, fullstop. Can I just say I really admire you for having the courage to do that? Huh. Thanks, I guess? :D I honestly don't really see it as courageous. To me, it's more of a thing of ethically neccessary honesty - how could a prospective partner give her informed consent to a relationship if I were to keep this non-negotiable dealbreaker a secret from her? I don't want to be leading anyone on, and I know that there are things I absolutely will not compromise on... so I see it as an inevitable duty to disclose this information ASAP. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Asexuals can have problems with sex; arousal, orgasm,etc., due to lack of sexual attraction. Acting sexually toward someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deturant. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Reject it. I make it clear right from the start (first date) that intercourse will never be an option in any relationship I will enter, fullstop.Can I just say I really admire you for having the courage to do that? Huh. Thanks, I guess? :DI honestly don't really see it as courageous. To me, it's more of a thing of ethically neccessary honesty - how could a prospective partner give her informed consent to a relationship if I were to keep this non-negotiable dealbreaker a secret from her? I don't want to be leading anyone on, and I know that there are things I absolutely will not compromise on... so I see it as an inevitable duty to disclose this information ASAP. No I know what you mean. I guess for me, I tend to hide it because I'm ashamed and fear any little thing will cause someone to drop me like a bad habit like they do anyway. A big thing like that? I guess most people I've known haven't been willing to really get to know me. So I have to hide any potential flaws. Though to be fair, things have never gotten near sex, or making out, or anything anyway. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AceInArkansas Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I'm always upfront and honest with them. I find that they appreciate it more than what could have turned out to be a very bad sexual experience for the both of us. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wannabe Vulcan Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I've never dated anyone, but those who have come close have been told that they will not be receiving any sex from me. It's one of the first things I tell people, And if they have a problem with that (which many of them do), I give them a choice: Sexless relationship or no relationship. They choose the latter. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
That asexual guy Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I do also want to say that from experience not being sexually attracted to someone and just going through the act itself does affect the other person. They can tell you aren't into them and it can cause them have self-esteem problems because they think it's their fault. I would never start any kind of sexual relationship with anyone else based solely on my own experience. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Sexist comment coming up, but I have experience only with women so I can't make a general comment. Women really hate it when a man lies to them. It's the number one relationship-ender, or so I've observed and found. You could meet a woman who would be willing to be your lifelong partner if you were up front with her about your asexuality; but if you lie to her about that and she finds out, it's gonna be game over. So you're damaging your own chances of finding someone by hiding the way you really are. Besides, if you really want to be a man, you won't let other people's opinions dictate to you how you feel about yourself. So what if they judge you for being asexual? They can piss up a tree. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Dreaming Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I found that once I had become aroused, I had to get on with it or I would lose interest quickly. Often I would be asked if I was really into it or if I was fully in the moment, and the truth is, I wasn't. My mind was somewhere else. Bringing things to completion was always the most difficult part. Nevertheless, I think I was reasonably successful at both giving and receiving pleasure (for the most part, it was actually a lot of fun). If you have an understanding partner it's worth trying to see if you can make it work. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I want to add, that when I was doing it was before I knew about asexuality. I didn't know why it wasn't working and was trying to do whatever it took to get things to work. It wasn't about lying so much as about ignorance on my part. Since I discovered asexuality as a concept and how it fit me I can be and am open and honest about it to women I have met. Not that I have met any potential sexual partners. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chair jockey Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I want to add, that when I was doing it was before I knew about asexuality. I didn't know why it wasn't working and was trying to do whatever it took to get things to work. It was about lying so much as about ignorance on my part. Since I discovered asexuality as a concept and how it fit me I can be and am open and honest about it to women I have met. Not that I have met any potential sexual partners. I wasn't referring to you, Dave. I was actually addressing the OP, who stated explicitly that he hides his true nature from girls. But, yeah, some of us older folk wasted a lot of our lives chasing shadows. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RHD95 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Never had a relationship or tried to perform, I can only tell you I have random erections fairly often and can't control how long they last, normally just a couple of minutes before vanishing on their own. I have no idea what would happen in an intercourse, when trying to masturbate it felt pretty numb, no sensation down here, I'd probably not feel anything and be a chore to do. I would only be willing to give it a try with a partner I trusted very well since I feel it could even hurt, but the best option IMO would be to just date an ace girl so I won't face this kind of issues. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Vellys Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 When you're on a relationship with someone sexual and they want to have intercourse is it hard for you to get an erection, or to keep it up throughout? If so, how difficult is it for you to perform with your partner? Does it hurt? Edit: I started dating a girl. I don't know if I'm asexual or not. I haven't brought it up with anyone until now because I'm just not sure. I don't think I'd mind having sex with her for her, I haven't thought about it at all, but she's giving me the vibes she wants to do it soon and I'd do it just for her, and to also get an answer...I guess I'd like to know just in case so I can brace myself for when it happens - in case things go tits up in the heat of the moment. I have never had a problem with erections because I respond to physical stimulation. My problem comes with climax. Sometimes it can take so long that I overexert and cannot finish or get so bored that I don't want to finish. Other times I simply have zero interest at all in sex so that it essentially feels like rape. At best, my situation can serve as a guidepost. You won't know what your brand of asexuality is until you actually figure it out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyRingo Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I have never had a problem with erections because I respond to physical stimulation. My problem comes with climax. Sometimes it can take so long that I overexert and cannot finish or get so bored that I don't want to finish. Other times I simply have zero interest at all in sex so that it essentially feels like rape. At best, my situation can serve as a guidepost. You won't know what your brand of asexuality is until you actually figure it out. Yup, that's me too. I don't have any trouble at all getting an erection, but I've never finished while having sex. Not once, not ever. Every orgasm I've ever had has been self-induced. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I haven't been in a sexual relationship before, but have no problem getting and maintaining an erection. As the two chaps above stated, there might be a problem with having an orgasm - not sure whether that would be an issue if the situation ever arose. So I guess it would be a case of finding a partner who was okay with me taking care of business alone after we had sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Keels Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Huh. Interesting question, OP. TMI ahead, obviously. :) I've had about five sexual relationships (I'm in my mid-forties). First one was my senior year in college, and I'm now realizing that it was a completely demisexual relationship. As I recall, it was three months of getting to know each other before we even kissed. She was a born-again virgin (for religious reasons), but eventually we did progress to non-intercourse sexual stuff (essentially mutual masturbation). Everything worked just fine, and it was lovely. The next six years contained a one-night stand where the equipment didn't really work (and in which I remember thinking, beforehand, Why can't we just go to a movie and hold hands or something?), and two proto-relationships with people I had major crushes on but that didn't go anywhere (I now realize) because I didn't make any of the moves they were expecting. Then I started dating another person who was pretty committed to the "must have sex on third-ish date or he's not interested", but in this case she was willing to take the initiative. And... I had erection problems the first few times -- kind of a surprise to me. Looking back, I feel like I eventually sort of learned the 'script' for how things were supposed to go down, and then things got better. Also, it was in this relationship that I learned that it was pretty awesome to perform oral sex on her before actual intercourse, and that that really aroused me, and made sex way more enjoyable and fun. (Another script.) Armed with the scripts, I've managed to be decently successful in the last two relationships -- that is, in the BEGINNINGS of the last two relationships. I was talking with some people at an ace meetup over the weekend, and it occurred to me that the thing is, eventually the script runs out. Then sex with them drifts off, and they get mad, sad, disinterested, etc. Anyway... that's my story. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I want to add, that when I was doing it was before I knew about asexuality. I didn't know why it wasn't working and was trying to do whatever it took to get things to work. It wasn't about lying so much as about ignorance on my part. Since I discovered asexuality as a concept and how it fit me I can be and am open and honest about it to women I have met. Not that I have met any potential sexual partners. I wasn't referring to you, Dave. I was actually addressing the OP, who stated explicitly that he hides his true nature from girls. But, yeah, some of us older folk wasted a lot of our lives chasing shadows. No worries. I just wanted to be clear. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Adogg Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 No trouble gaining, more trouble maintaining as others have said, do to just a lack of interest and not wanting to be doing it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
That asexual guy Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 This is one of the few threads I've read where I relate a whole lot to what most people are saying. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thatotherguy57 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 My last relationship was 13 years ago. I'm not opposed to engaging in sex, if I'm in a relationship, and I am comfortable with the thought (this would have to be after explaining my (grey) asexuality). Discussion before engaging would have to happen, and spontaneity would be so rare, it may as well not exist. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dtaf1171 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Question regarding climax(orgasm). I am aro/ace but I sometimes masturbate in terms of mechanical stimulation. When masturbating I have no sexual thoughts but it's more of a release. My question is how do I know if I orgasm? I ejaculate but it doesn't feel any more special. It's just release. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Question regarding climax(orgasm). I am aro/ace but I sometimes masturbate in terms of mechanical stimulation. When masturbating I have no sexual thoughts but it's more of a release. My question is how do I know if I orgasm? I ejaculate but it doesn't feel any more special. It's just release. If you're not sure if it's orgasm, you probably didn't have one yet. ;) I can't orgasm during masturbation/ejac, either - it's just as you said, releasing the pressure and making an annoying erection go away. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dardanos77 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 It's a problem to start, my body respond to the signs and erection is not a problem, the problem is to keep the erection. Sometimes, after a long time, its a release to ejaculate, so, in this situation, no problems in correspond to a girl if this make her happy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I have to echo the comments that it starts out well, but a switch gets flipped and I feel completely disassociated with whats going on, and i lose it, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think now that I know what I am there are things i could try. i am really into voices, if they kept talking, maybe? Maybe if they said romantic, emotionally charged things? Maybe if i was somehow distracted from the act of intercourse itself? My goal is to find a fellow ace and avoid it all together though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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