Shellz22 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 One if the hardest things I believe about identifying as asexual is the fear that creeps in, that this is all you're ever going to have... yourself. And while you read the sucess story thread and hear about those people's stories, theres still that voice in your head telling you that you dont even have friends how are you going to find not only someone who acepts you but is also potentially willing to make a sacrifice for you. But even though I have this voice in my head i really want that... I want some to laugh with, to talk about whats happening in the world, I want someone who will give me a hug if I need it or hold my hand and it be okay that, thats about my limit of comfortable physical contact. I want I that person who I will grow old with, who will support my dreams as i support theirs and figure out what this life has in store for us. This isn't really a question as much as a rant but is that a reasonable hope or is my head to far in the clouds? Do other aces have these wishes? Thanks for your time S. Link to post Share on other sites
C-Lo Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Do other aces have these wishes? Yes. Very much. Link to post Share on other sites
USathane Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I want it as well. My limit is probably cuddling and kissing. It would always piss me off when an ex of mine tried to turn cuddling into making out and more. So I'm holding out for an asexual partner (or a celibate partner or someone with no libido)...so it does feel like I might die without a good partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Selasphorus Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I feel you. Usually I'll comfort myself with the thought that I'll at least have a couple fluffy kitties around for cuddles and playing around, but yeah, it'd be nice to have someone you can do human things with too. Link to post Share on other sites
Kazu Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I get really brought down by this type of thinking occasionally too. Like I don't mind being on the aromantic and asexual spectrum most of the time but every once in a while it just hits me that despite wanting some sort of intimate but not necessarily sexual/romantic relationship, just how many people out there are there that are looking for the same thing I am? If they exist, will we ever even meet? And even if we did, what if our personalities didn't mesh well? :/ I'm guessing it's the sorta thing you just have to stay optimistic about or get to the point where you're ok with the thought that you might never have an S.O. Link to post Share on other sites
Aqua Blue Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 Very much so, but as I am in my early 60's I doubt it is going to happen. It is actually something I am really struggling with right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Meally Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Yes, I want it so bad. I want someone to cuddle with on the couch and to go to the movies with and not try to make out (those tickets aren't cheap, Imma watch the darn movie!) to have a comfortable silence and yet be able to have conversations into the late am. I want someone to buy lots of puppies with and argue over whose turn it is to clean up the poop. Someone who is happy to build the best pillow fort ever, rather then go to some sweaty stinky enforced-personal-space-invading nightclub. Someone who is willing to accept me for me. Just as I would them. Maybe its just too many ideals and imaginings. But it confuses the heck out of me when I see someone with a person that you know is horrible, the relationship is toxic from the get-go but still they stay together. It leaves me wondering if I had sex with a crush would they then notice me? is that how those girls keep the boys....EW Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 United we stand, divided we fall. Link to post Share on other sites
Charlotte_uk Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 I personally believe it's far more sensible to focus on making your life as great as you can as a single person. Then if someone else does come along, you are in a better position to make a rational decision about whether that individual will be compatible with the lifestyle and goals you already have. Too many people fixate on getting into a relationship just to avoid having to spend any time alone, and they end up making sacrifices that benefit neither the relationship or the individual in the long run. I speak from personal experience here, as I have been in both sexual and non-sexual relationships with varying degrees of success. I think once you become grounded with yourself then you no longer panic over needing another person with you 24/7, and can make a better judgement in deciding who you spend your free time with. I would rather have friends these days. I can be a very demanding and difficult person to live with (I exhaust myself at times), so that's probably for the best. Friends only get to see my good side, whereas a partner sees everything. Make friends with people that let you steal free hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I feel the same. I don't have very many friends either, but we can't let that stop us from making new ones ;) , and trying to find someone special. Link to post Share on other sites
Skywolf Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 I feel like that a lot too. Even knowing I have some awesome friends doesn't make me stop worrying they will have more important people in their life. Just do my best to try not to worry. There will always be friends, and adventures. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Tessc Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I've actually found that I don't have these thoughts as often as I used to before I knew about being ace. Maybe it's just because I'm happy at the moment just knowing what I am and that I'm not the only one. :) Link to post Share on other sites
SirDork Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Funny story, I never wanted romance and I ended up with one of the greatest people I've ever met. We started as friends and he has always been aware ans respectful of my orientation. Weird how that sorta thing comes to be, and for years it seemed like an impossible concept to me. But I've seen lots of other aces saying things like this, and my only response is that if you'd really like that kind of experience, someday you'll probably get it. You'll meet someone willing to respect your boundaries and does all the cutesy wootsie mushy gushy romance stuff with you you could possible desire. I guess the best way to get along is accept being single for the time, don't push anything with anybody, and be open to meeting others, especially in environments where people share the same beliefs and interests. You might get lucky and pick the perfect person. I guess one of my biggest assurances through life in general was "You're never the only one to feel or think a certain way." I figure if you don't desire sexual contact or even anything beyond hand holding and hugs, there's someone else out there who wants the same thing. Multiple someones, even. A good-sized amount, I'll betcha. Maybe a whole island of that sorta person all living in harmony and eating coconuts. Your hopes aren't unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
shiftworkzen Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I feel exactly the same way. I know I'm very caring and considerate and I'd love to have one person I can depend on to go to movies or hang out. Go traveling with, get excited with. Someone to build up and support while they do the same for you. Someone to buy a house with and sow the wild oats. Maybe one day adopt a child or decide to make one. You never know what the future has in store. It would be really nice to cuddle on the couch with someone and my little Yorkie and not have to feel like eventually my cuddle buddy is going to expect sex out of the exchange. Thwy must be out there, whoever they are. They have to be. And I sincerely hope that person is out there for you too Link to post Share on other sites
DiEvAl Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I feel similar to you, but there is also another voice in my head. It's reminding me that there are over 70 million aces, and almost 70 thousand avenites! ;) Link to post Share on other sites
<Tom> Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 It's a very reasonable hope, and I feel the same :) Link to post Share on other sites
Elluna Hellen Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 heh, I'm aromantic too. But hey, there is definitely a chance for you! :) Link to post Share on other sites
yellow Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I too want someone to share my life with and I don't think that's an unreasonable desire. As I get older I feel less and less optimistic that it will happen which feels like a lead blanket covering me. I do remind myself to focus on the good things in my life and spend time working on self improvement since I know wallowing in self pity isn't going to help. It's difficult to remember that all the time though. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewis Pavey28 Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 I want it I hate being alone but bad thing is there are very little asexuals/demisexuals here in southern england . TOGETHER WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL! Link to post Share on other sites
Saber Wing Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I really don't see myself having any sort of romantic relationship with anyone, ever. I'm aromantic for certain, and reasonably sure I'm also asexual, gray at most, so there's that. I do get scared sometimes, in dark moments, that I'm going to end up all alone while everyone else runs off and gets married, has children. Most of the time though, I'm really content with what I have, who I am, and what life has in store. Plus it helps that right now I live with my two best friends, both of whom understand and relate to my sexuality struggles. Link to post Share on other sites
DigitalBookDust Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I am ace and aro and presently live alone. Most of the time I am highly content with my lot in life. I have a few friends with whom I socialize, a job I like, and my whippet for close companionship. My best friend (who lives far away) has recently asked me to move in with her. She is also queer and probably ace-we've joked about being an ace couple-and she is supportive without being mushily romantic. There would be many advantages to doing so. I'm just a little hesitant to give up my solitary existence, though-I've grown very used to my independence and rather set in my ways. So I'm on the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
Mudlark Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 I sort of agree on that, yeah. I am pretty happy with my own company, but I do realise that unless my aversion to myself having sex softens further along the line, I can see it being somewhat unlikely that I manage to find someone like myself. Not impossible, of course, but harder. That makes me mildly disappointed because I do fantasize a little from time to time and...it would be quite nice. But if I was to spend the rest of my life as a single person, I'm sure I'd still be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Oh yes, and the fear is real. I mean as of this moment, I'm focused on school and getting my shit together. No time for romance. I do want it with all my heart though. To be with someone I'm deeply inlove with and they are inlove with me. In fact I am inlove, but it's not returned and that's something I must deal with alone. Distractions help for a while, but I would be lying if I say I wasn't scared when I found out I was asexual. The moment I discovered what I was, my heart sank because I thought it automatically meant I would be alone forever. That even if I do find someone, what if I can't make them happy enough? It's not just asexuality in general, but will I be a good partner? Would I be supportive enough, brave enough, and strong enough to be their significant other....and would they do the same for me. Relationships look like a lot of work to me, it takes a lot of work and effort to get to know someone. And what also makes the fear in me show up, is the betrayal. I am reluctant to open myself up to someone, idk how many times i let myself get attached to a friend...and they let me down. For me, it's best to just not have a relationship, suffer in silence and focus on other things and hope that maybe, one day, I will get that true love I've been dreaming of. Link to post Share on other sites
kaika_dragon Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I feel that way too. I am so lonely right now. Link to post Share on other sites
inactive12345 Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I would love this. I guess I got lucky in that I have one (maybe two?) people I could potentially have this with, but we're currently separated by a pretty significant distance since I moved to another state for college. Part of the reason I'm considering moving back to my home-state after graduation... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Fear of isolation is very human! There's a fair amount of research on the effects of isolation and of human contact. if you're curious about it, it shouldn't be hard to find. Relationships aren't predictable or concrete, you just need to find a sense of self assurance and reliance (as much as you can) and when someone comes along who you click with you can share your hopes and dreams and all, be that relationship sexual, romantic, and/or platonic. Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Yes, I do want it... companionship with someone of my tribe. My family is not my tribe, and my current friends are not my tribe. I'll know when I meet someone of my tribe. Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Humans tend to want companionship and fear of being alone is very common even for sexuals. I tend to hang on the idea that I'm young and when I'm older I'll hopefully find another ace or a few for friendship/companionship/queerplatonic - ish or something along those lines. At the moment I'm happy to help my family out, care for my companion animals, work out my health problems and dream of the future while working on being relatively self sustaining. Link to post Share on other sites
oneofthesun Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I want that too. I didn't always, but people can change. In the past two years I've learned that you should never say never to anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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