My Friend is...?

[Manitoban]

Hello,

I'm new here, I've lurked around here before and have sent people this way when they are struggling with their (a)sexuality as a resource, because I frankly can't help them personally on subjects I really know little about. I'm a regular poster over at empty closets.

Anyway I come here seeking help on behalf of a friend(or potentially clearing things up for me?). Let me give you background:

For starters I've been friends with this person since grade 3, we're both males, I'm gay, but view him as a friend. Going forward I'm going to call this friend James. As often happens in a sexual environment the topic of what looks attractive, what gets us going and the like is often the topic when with our friends. James seldom offers a this is hot or that is sexy examples until requested by the group, though I don't typically do this cause frankly I know what it feels like to be asked about things that I'm uncomfortable talking about. He also uses the same terminology for both girls and guys saying they look gorgeous, or beautiful but always insists he doesn't like guys. He definitely likes girls romantically however, he talks very highly about them and how much he enjoys being with them. James never talks about guys in this manner.(It has crossed my mind that he could be bisexual, and he has stated he thinks it would be awesome to be bi)

So anyway, I never really paid any attention to this until recently. Recently he has been getting rather annoyed and defensive whenever someone asks about a if X girl looks hot or what not. He also called a bunch of the guys shallow for only being interested in girls boobs, saying 'there is so much more then that.' Even after they explained that while perhaps overall how "sexy" a girl might be, in the short term to build interest it matters a lot. He disagreed with them saying he felt they were being superficial. He texted me later and we chatted about it except his annoyance was drawn out towards the girls, I up until then hadn't expressed much of an opinion on the matter:

James: Girls are so shallow

Me: Oh, why?

James: It's brutal, they are so shallow, all they talk is abs.

Me: Well in fairness, abs are probably one of the single hottest physical aspects of a guy.

James: But why?

You're all weird.

Me: Boobs look weird :P (Sorry ladies, I was just trying to make a point)

James: Boobs are awesome pillows

See? I have reasoning!

Me: Well I guess it's just that I feel admiration, and a positive reaction to seeing a guy that looks good like that.

James: I guess

Night

He has also told me in the past he likes pleasuring his female partners because he likes making them feel good, but I can't think of a time when he has stated its made him feel good.(He currently has no partner as far as I'm aware and hasn't for some months) Also when we were discussing things in the past a little after my coming out(we were both drunk and alone) I expressed that vagina's and boobs looked very strange to me. He, to my astonishment said he thought they seemed a little weird as well, and didn't really want to put his penis into the vagina cause its "kinda gross inside." All my other straight friends have said only good things about female genitalia. But again none of this registered until very recently to me.

So if I've managed to keep you this long...

Am I just making hay here, or is there potential my friend is A-sexual. I've considered the alternatives but I don't think, with all things considered its likely. But maybe he's Demi?

If maybe he is I obviously wouldn't want to straight up ask him, I know what that fells like when you are not ready. But it's also entirely possible he hasn't considered this himself, seeing as a-sexuality is fairly obscure to the general population. If he maybe is potentially a-sexual should I try to direct him to something like this site, or casually bring it up?

Honestly I just notice that he's distressed lately about this and being his friend for so long it hurts to see him like he is about this.

Thank you so very, very much to anyone who has read this all, and a huge thanks to anyone that makes the time to reply, it means a lot.

[Lady Girl]

I don't think it would hurt to casually mention asexuality as something you recently read about...as an interesting subject so to speak. He might think about his own feelings in relation to it, or at least research a little and verify or eliminate it as an option for himself.

[Amathy]

Its important to let your friend identify without influencing their viewpoint, however next time your talking about this kind of stuff, just mention AVEN. I didn't know about asexuality until a friend brought it up and I'm glad they did. And often discovering identity can be distressing. Its important to let your friend know your there for them, which I can see you are by your post. They may end up identifying on the asexuality spectrum and they may not but at least you might expand their veiwpoint on possible sexualities.

[Manitoban]

Thanks for the reply Lady Girl, Indeed having more knowledge can probably only be a good thing.

Amathy thank you for the good points. I agree I should make every effort to not influence any thought process beyond perhaps providing places to find information. And definitely discovering your identity can be a really challenging period of ones life, I was personally crushed for a while when began to understand I was gay. Knowing people support you, and are there 100% makes a massive difference, so thank you for raising that.

I suppose I'm really just checking here too make sure I haven't over thought this. Working/studying in areas where analyzing and understanding human behaviour is the norm unfortunately sometimes bleeds over into places where I would rather not analyze things.

[zenobia]

very interesting...and what a kind and thoughtful friend you are....can relate to a lot to what you have written here about your mate...i would be reading the signs the same way as you. i never realised there was a name for people like me...i just thought i had hang-ups....and you dont usually talk openly about those...its a relief for me to now understand what i am dealing with....i thought i was just a prude!

[DiEvAl]

I can't say whether he is on the ace spectrum, but I think he will find some stuff on AVEN interesting.

[Tarfeather]

He has also told me in the past he likes pleasuring his female partners because he likes making them feel good, but I can't think of a time when he has stated its made him feel good.

He, to my astonishment said he thought they seemed a little weird as well, and didn't really want to put his penis into the vagina cause its "kinda gross inside."

Those are the only two indicators you've mentioned that he might be asexual. Everything else is more not being 100% on board with mainstream sexual preferences, something that applies to myself as well, and I'm fully hetero. To explain what I mean, I also find female genitalia to be gross, and I also think it's shallow to care so much about someone's physical characteristics.

[Blinkin]

You are a very caring friend, that's so nice of you!

You could mention this site while referring to the recent chat you had. Mention the fascination discussions about boobs being pillows (there are a few topics about this). If he is asexual things might get rolling.

Even if he doesn't want to know about it, it's his life and it's up to him how he identifies.

[Star Bit]

Those guys are superficial.

-- He could be Asexual; some aren't into "hotness" and some also like pleasing their partner out of moral satisfaction.

Or he might just be an actually reasonable guy, go figure~ :D

But then you mention his drunk talk, and assuming its not exaggerated by the alcohol, he sounds more possibly asexual with this added. But Onision actually mentioned his opinion of vaginas being similar; them being kinda grose looking and that sex is actually kinda grose too; when he thought about it subjectively, but its worth it because of the pay off of sex; orgasm and bond, and i assumed by his wording (which i don't recall what video, otherwise I'd look it up), that the slight disgust; not revoltion, went away because of that perk. So his stated opinion came from vaginas outside the context of sex.

Also, why are you spelling asexual with a dash?

[Orthonomous]

Or he might just be an actually reasonable guy, go figure~ :D

My thoughts exactly. I think the standard for acceptable male behavior has dropped so much in the past hundred years. Whenever my friends ask me, "Do you think she's hot?" I usually just laugh, because I don't think it is good to needlessly judge people on their appearance. And you can see the affect that such talk has; your friend feels insecure about his body because he hears girls talking about abs all the time. If people didn't talk like this so much, people wouldn't feel like the were worth less because of their bodies.