Control in mixed relationship

[teagansk]

I read this quote from a therapist at another website :

I’ll add that most of the asexuals I’ve seen in my clinical practice like “control.” Avoiding sex with someone can serve to maintain a distance and in turn, serve to defend against the certain vulnerability that comes with closeness. Finding a partner with whom they could negotiate control with is vital to achieving a long-term partnership.

Does this really apply to a lot of asexual/sexual relationships? I can say it absolutely does for me. My gray-A wife absolutely controls our life. This idea that the forces of nature brought us together because I was someone she could control bothers me. Sometimes I think it is my fault for "marrying up." From a purely physical attractive standpoint, my wife is out of my ballpark. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine's friend is interested in George saying "looks are not that important to me." Sort of ironic now that I better understand how my wife truly doesn't find any men physically attractive. Sometimes, now I think the balance of power is just simply out of whack because the scales of love are tilted in her favor. I desperately desire physical love but she is quite content with all of the love she gives and receives.

I am pretty sure that one benefit of beginning to accept my wife as a gray-A is that I might as well stop desiring something that will never be there. That thought brings a lot of grief along with it but it does start to balance the level of control in my marriage. I am doing a better job of standing up on my own. It creates a little disruption in our marriage as my wife is not accustomed to me having an influential voice but we do a pretty good job of talking through it so she understands. When our marriage is happy, it is usually when we both feel we are a team in this life together. At other times, it is hard to ignore the fact that she has gotten most of what she desired in life while I haven't. The implications of being the "reacher" (How I Met Your Mother) stretches far outside the bedroom. The best thing I can do at this point is acknowledge that I can't change the path that brought us to this point because that is all in the past but I can make choices to affect the where we go from here since the future is still a relatively blank sheet of paper. I have always known that she loves me less than I love her but that is on my scale of love. On her scale, she loves me fully so there is no reason for her to have all of the control.

[Caehlim]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're having difficulties in your relationship. I hope that things improve for you moving forwards. I'm sorry that I don't have the experience to offer any useful advice towards such a long-term relationship, but hopefully there are others here who can lend more insight.

I would just like to touch on your other question though. I would not agree with the therapist's opinion that you quoted. The therapist is clearly describing people choosing to be abstain from sex for a particular motivation of avoiding vulnerability. This is not in fact asexuality which is an orientation in which a person does not experience the drive or attraction for sex. Nor for many asexuals is sexual expression linked with "closeness" which the therapist is describing as a reason for this.

I can't speak for other asexual/sexual mixed relationships. However in my relationship, in which I'm asexual and my boyfriend is sexual I would not describe either of us as having the control all the time. We have both agreed to have the complete right to stop any activity at any time, with safewords that we both can use for complete clarity. We've both made changes to our lives in order to help our relationship, for example I've changed my classes at university to match our schedules closer together in order to allow us to spend more time with one another. We've made a lot of effort to work together and make our relationship work. Nor would I say that I'm avoiding vulnerability. I'm very much in love with him, and losing our relationship would be a heartbreak for me, regardless of our compromises on sex.

We had the advantage though of entering into this relationship knowing that this would be an issue, I know it's caused some trouble and worry for the both of us. I can only imagine that this must be worse to come up unexpectedly during the midst of a long-term relationship. I wish you the very best in working through this and finding the best solutions for yourself and your partner.

[Tarfeather]

I would just like to touch on your other question though. I would not agree with the therapist's opinion that you quoted. The therapist is clearly describing people choosing to be abstain from sex for a particular motivation of avoiding vulnerability. This is not in fact asexuality which is an orientation in which a person does not experience the drive or attraction for sex. Nor for many asexuals is sexual expression linked with "closeness" which the therapist is describing as a reason for this.

While I agree that the therapist is talking BS, I do think he's talking about asexuals. Someone who's sexual would still have a desire for sex, and thus they'd not be content avoiding sex all the time, whatever the reason may be.

@OP: Oh yeah, I've been there. But myself I feel very silly for having felt that way about it. For me, my partner's desires are my own desires, and there isn't such a thing as an "imbalance". Her getting the things she wants makes me happy, too. In theory it's nice if each party in a relationship gives equally, but practically some people just aren't capable of that. Personally, I find it much more important to be treated with honesty, respect and love than to compromise in the "middle" so everything is "fair". And part of the reason I can deal with it is because I frequently take the time to communicate my own desires, and my girlfriend acknowledges these desires. It's not something she often acts on, but it's on her mind, it's a topic that is important to both of us, and we're both going to keep working to improve things in our own way.

[Down in Texas]

I am sorry that you are having problems in your marriage just as I am sorry that anyone in a marriage has any kind of problems. Not all marital problems involve the imbalance of sex as its main problem, yet some marriages have sex as the only problem. I happen to be one of those who's only problem in our marriage is our different levels of sexual desires. Yet even with this I can not say that He has ever used sex to try and control any aspect of our relationship. There has NEVER been a battle of control in our marriage. Even with my desire for sex I have always allowed him to be the main voice I our relationship. There are times that I will argue a point but if he becomes adamant about what ever topic it may be I concead and allow him his choice.

I can honestly say that my Gray A has NEVER used sex in any way to control any aspect of our relationship.

[Cheerful]

"Ill add that most of the asexuals Ive seen in my clinical practice like control. Avoiding sex with someone can serve to maintain a distance and in turn, serve to defend against the certain vulnerability that comes with closeness. Finding a partner with whom they could negotiate control with is vital to achieving a long-term partnership."

I'd say this therapist got into college on a sports scholarship.

[Sally]

"Ill add that most of the asexuals Ive seen in my clinical practice like control. Avoiding sex with someone can serve to maintain a distance and in turn, serve to defend against the certain vulnerability that comes with closeness. Finding a partner with whom they could negotiate control with is vital to achieving a long-term partnership."

I'd say this therapist got into college on a sports scholarship.

Yup. Avoiding sex can serve to...not have sex. Duh. Has nothing to do with "control".

[sailordude]

Whoever wants sex least in the relationship absolutely controls how much sex there is in the relationship. Like anything else your results may vary. Here is what I found is the great about getting old, your tolerance for things you don't enjoy as well as your joy for things you love, both increase over time.

[teagansk]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. In reflecting on this, I think I may have been trying to create a connection between two challenges we face in our marriage when in reality there may not be the cause and effect that I was drawing from it. I didn't really relate to the comment about avoiding sex to avoid distance but I had this scenario in my mind that my wife was unable to find someone on the same playing level as her because she was asexual so she settled for me, someone she could control. In retrospect, as I think about what she has shared about her previous relationships, having low physical desire actually wasn't a problem for her in maintaining relationships so I was probably being a little irrational when I came to the conclusion that she settled. Coming to grips with the fact that my wife doesn't find me physically attractive and is not sexually attracted to me brings a range of emotions. I now logically understand that it is not that I am not attractive. I have been fighting the idea that I was not worthy of my wife's love for 20 years so I have an unhealthy tendency to feel sorry for myself at times when I really shouldn't. She loves me fully. She just experiences the Eros portion of love differently than I do and that has nothing to do with me.

Interestingly, we were in our therapist office this week and while the word "control" has never really come up before it did this week. We were having some surfacy type conversations. I was frustrated by that and said I really want to focus more on our core issues. Our therapist went right to control. It was obvious to her and it has nothing to do with my wife's lack of physical desire. It seems that as I start to accept that my wife is grey asexual, we are able to find some resolution and clear the air on that. It allows us to begin to work on separate issues.

It seems that "control" might have been off-topic for this forum so I apologize. However, I so appreciate this community and all of your thoughtful replies.