Only Interested in Sex as an Idea?

[MinorThreatGirl]

Hello, I am a 22 year old female who has been in, and is currently in, a heterosexual relationship.

I consider myself aesthetically attracted to all genders, as I recognize beauty and sex appeal though do not necessarily feel compelled to act on this recognition. When I'm attracted to someone, I feel that the greatest form of intimacy is writing them into a story or poem as a sort of muse. I may think about the person in sexual ways, but if given the opportunity to be sexual with them in reality, I would probably reject it. I've had sex before and I don't tend to enjoy it. It doesn't give me any sort of emotional high or sense of meaning - it always seems like something I have done to please my partners (because I do long for connections with others) or to try to convince myself that I am "normal" and in a "normal relationship." For example, my boyfriend does not pressure me, but if we are laying in bed together, I feel somehow obligated to give him sexual attention (because "that's what a girlfriend does") even though I'd rather just lay there and watch movies.

Like I said, I do experience sexual interest, but it is not how others experience it. I find myself more aroused by things like literature, characters in literature, characters in movies, music, as well as arbitrary thoughts such as, "I can't wait to get my tattoo next week" or "I can't wait to go take a walk outside when the weather gets nicer." When I masturbate, I most often think about these things, that aren't sexual but have somehow taken on a sexual context to me. Sometimes music itself is all I need to satisfy myself, and I don't even think about other people. I occasionally read erotic literature such as the works of Marquis de Sade, or study the history of sex throughout cultures and centuries - which sparks a certain intrigue. I enjoy ancient erotic paintings but I don't like modern porn and am very opposed to watching it. I do think about my boyfriend sometimes; I love looking at photos of his face and imagining him hugging me tightly when we're not together... I sometimes become turned on by the past memories of us having sex but I DON'T actually enjoy it when we do!! What's up with that? I have pretty much felt the same way about every person I've been with. The idea or memory can be appealing but it's never appealing at the time. I think I must live in a writer's fantasy world where I prefer intangible concepts over tactile sensations. **It's almost as if I WISH I could be a sexual person in reality, but just can't be. Ideas seem great in my head, but meaningless and unenjoyable in reality.

What do you think? Can you be more attracted to ideas than people? Can you be in a relationship with someone you have a great intellectual connection with that goes beyond a mere friendship, desiring hugs and hand holding but not sex?

[Archon]

Can you be more attracted to ideas than people? Can you be in a relationship with someone you have a great intellectual connection with that goes beyond a mere friendship, desiring hugs and hand holding but not sex?

Yes and yes. A lot of aces experience arousal from all kinds of sources but that doesn't mean they actually want to engage in sexual activities with other people. And you definitely can have a romantic relationship without sex. It may not be possible for everyone, since some people need sex with romance, but that's not the case for everyone, ace or otherwise. In fact, for a lot of aces, it's impossible to have a happy romantic relationship with sex, but again that's not the case for all aces. Anyway, you should only do whatever you're comfortable with.

[Perseus]

That's perfectly fine.

[MinorThreatGirl]

Thanks everyone! And yes, I just try to do what I am comfortable with. There are so many other ways to show intimacy other than sex anyway!