Married Before I knew I was asexual

[franticfuzzbutt]

I am 26 and just now realizing I am asexual. Looking back the signs were always there, but I didn't know any better.

I had no idea I was asexual in high school because while I didn't feel physical attraction to people, and disliked most physical contact, I wanted a boyfriend and sex seemed like a requirement for that. Plus as a virgin I was curious about it.

I kept the same outlook in college. I met my current husband and he became my first sexual partner.

Just as I had expected, sex was no big deal for me. I didn't mind having a lot of it at first because it was still new and I thought maybe I'd grow to like it more. I enjoyed making my partner happy. Then I started having physical complications--frequent UTIs and the like--and sex became much more of an annoyance, but I kept it up because I figured girls everywhere went through this.

Here's the dumb part. We got married right out of college because we were in love, wanted to live together, but both had family members who weren't comfortable with cohabitation outside of marriage.

Flash forward to today and we are still married, but I worry about how long that will last. We have been having issues with sex since marriage but it's getting worse. We've talked about it and are coping. I'm worried it isn't in a healthy way, though. I was able to justify my lack of enthusiasm for bedroom activities (both to him and myself) because of pain during sex and infections after. After a while my husband got to the point where he would stop trying to ask for sex because I'd refuse so often, and he didn't enjoy hurting me. So occasionally I'd initiate out of a sense of guilt, but I have to admit If I could never have sex again I'd be overjoyed.

I haven't talked to my husband about my asexuality yet because I've just come to terms with it myself. I don't know what it means for our marriage. Right now I think he wants to believe I just have a low sex drive due to depression, but I know that's not the case. I just feel terrible because I jumped too deep into this relationship without knowing myself first, and now we're both suffering for it. I hate that I can't fulfill his needs, and I often wonder how he manages to put up with it. And sometimes I doubt if I really love him--if I'm capable of loving anyone at all--because without sex, what makes him my partner? He's more like a friend or roommate.

I don't really know how to have this talk, either. I've been faking like I've enjoyed sex for years now, and admitting I was never actually attracted is going to hurt and confuse him.

[NotImpressed]

Man, that's rough. I really don't know what to say other than use "I-statements", make sure you're completely honest about what you're feeling and why you haven't told him before, reassure him that it's not him or his attractiveness, but your lack of sexual attraction to ANYONE. And you could show him this site, as it has a forum for sexual partners & friends. Maybe suggest that he make an account to talk to other people like him in that forum? Couples therapy might be a good idea, too. That is, if you're certain you want your relationship to last. At this point, it's probably best to just be as honest as possible in the nicest way possible. If he can't handle it or doesn't want to try, then that's understandable given the nature and history of your relationship, but it may mean that he's not right for you. Either way, your feelings are valid and now that you realize what's wrong, and you have an opportunity to do something about it. It may be difficult or painful, but It really seems like your life can only go up from here, either way. Good luck, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here!

[NotImpressed]

Also consider what compromises you're willing to consider. For example, If you never want sex again, would you be okay with him having sexual partners outside of your relationship? If there's a way that you can agree on a plan that makes you both happy and satisfies both of your needs, definitely explore that.

Also just saw that this is your first post. Welcome to the forums!

[franticfuzzbutt]

Thanks for the advice, and the welcome!

[Potatwho]

Firstly I don't know how to talk to your husband about your sexuality. But if sex is something you both feel is important to do but is too painful you may find other ways of getting/giving pleasure.

I don't know exactly what your particular experiences are but I think Intercrural sex may be a good alternative to vaginal sex. As it doesn't involve penetration, it and similar stuff may be an opinion so your not in pain and he gets sex.

Pain with sexual intercourse may also be related to a medical problem and may need to be checked by a doctor(if you haven't already) sometimes things like this don't get checked out(stuff like phimosis in men is common but don't get checked often)

I hope your relationship gets better.

[Lydian]

I can understand feeling guilty for not being able to give your husband part of what he wants out of a relationship but there's one thing here you've said that I want to address. You say you don't think you can love him or anybody because you're asexual. I spent a good while thinking the same way. I did have crushes and feelings for people, but because I was taught sex is a part of that I never realized just what my feelings were. I think some chances passed by me because of this and I only wish I'd realized sooner. It also might have saved me from feeling like I must be broken or something. For many people, most in fact, it's true that sex and love go together. That doesn't make the two necessary for the one another, though. People believe and teach that because it's what they have personally experienced is all. Love, romance and intimacy go well beyond just sex. Sex can certainly exist without love, after all. Why not the reverse? So if I can put your mind at least a little at ease on even just this one point, don't discredit your own ability to love based on sex. There's so much more to loving someone than whether or not you're having sex. It sounds like you do indeed love your husband very much, so don't doubt yourself because of how others tell you you're supposed to love. They just don't understand love from a slightly different point of view.

[Elora]

Your story sounds so much like mine. My husband and I were both virgins when we met in college. Up until that point, I'd never really been more than passingly curious about sex. I didn't realize that wasn't the norm because I wasn't a very social person, and the friends I did have didn't talk about sex (most of them were also virgins) because they believed it was something that should be kept private.

My husband and I waited until our wedding night to have sex. He seemed to think it was the best thing ever. I found myself thinking something along the lines of "so this is it?" It was a total let-down, awkward and uncomfortable at best. Society lied to us! Sex was not the best thing I could do to my body! Sex ended up falling into my mental category of "things I can say I've done, but don't really see the purpose of doing again." I stopped offering sex, and frequently found excuses not to do it when my husband offered. By our second year of marriage, we only had sex a few times a year. It was always about him, how quickly I could get him off performing my wifely duties (as I had come to see it then), how quickly I could get dressed and go back to doing something productive. He was oblivious to the fact that I didn't enjoy it. By our third anniversary, the sex had stopped altogether. Neither of us initiated it anymore. When it crossed my mind, I was only grateful that I didn't have to keep doing it. It never even occurred to me that he might still want to do it.

As my husband and I settled into married life more fully, our communication in many areas broke down completely. He made major, life-changing decisions without discussing them with me first. He told our landlord that we were moving without talking about it with me first then left me to find a new apartment, he cashed in his retirement fund as a down purchase on a car he bought without mentioning it (I came home from work one night to a strange car in the driveway, and the retirement fund I learned about doing taxes six months later). It was a few months after our sixth anniversary that he asked me out of the blue (as I was putting on my shoes to leave for work) if we were ever going to have sex again. I was floored, hadn't thought of it in years, and told him so before I left. He never mentioned it again, but that's what sparked in my head that maybe my lack of interest in sex wasn't normal. I started searching online, and found AVEN then. It made so much sense to me, but I had no idea how to tell him what I'd found. At that point, I started to realize how badly broken our relationship was and started looking at my options.

It was an entire year later that we started seeing a marriage counselor. We did a series of joint sessions, with each of us doing a few solo sessions. Over the course of those sessions, I realized that I didn't want to be with him at all anymore. Six weeks after we started counseling, I moved out. We continued to do a few more joint sessions to figure out if we could reconcile. I don't want to reconcile. I've been on my own now since Halloween (the day I moved out), and I've been happier on my own these last few months than I've been in years. Sex is only a small part of my reasoning here, but it is part of it. Yesterday, I printed out the paperwork to initiate divorce proceedings in my state. We don't have kids or property, our debts and bank accounts are separate, and we've already separated everything else we own. It shouldn't be too difficult to do.

I'm not telling you all this to discourage you. If you think the two of you really do stand a chance together, then be honest with him. It probably will hurt his feelings, and he might be angry. But bottling it up will destroy you. You might want to seek out a counselor, one who proclaims to be LGBTQ friendly might be more open to asexuality. Counselors are still human, though, and you might have to explain a bit about who you are and what that means to you. Having a neutral third party to open up discussions with your husband can be a good thing, especially if you're still communicating in other areas of life. My husband and I were barely speaking to each other the few days a week we even saw each other at all. Don't let it get to that point.

[Francoise Wang]

You mentioned that you didn't mind having a lot of sex before, and started to be repulsed by sex because you have physical health issue and feel pain during sex and and infections after it. Then I think the major problem is not your asexuality. Some sexual women also feel pain during sex or get infections after sex because of physical health issues, and also become repulsed to sex. Having physical pain during sex is not uncommon among women, and I think even sexual women would become as sex-repulsed as you are if they experience the physical pain and infections as you do. I think the major problem of your sex life is because of your physical health issue. I think you should first see a doctor and try to cure your physical problem, and start to have sex only after your physical problem is cured. Then although you're still asexual, you wouldn't be repulsed by sex. Having sex while you still have physical health issues may not be a good idea, because it would hurt your body. Being asexual doesn't necessarily lead to being sex-repulsed (and being sexual doesn't necessarily mean not being sex-repulsed). Wish your physical health issue can be cured.

[franticfuzzbutt]

Thanks everyone for your insights. I'd never heard of intercrural sex before and it's definitely something to look into.

As for my health issues, I have been to a dr, they even sent me to get an invasive radar-y type thing done, but found nothing. The best I can figure is that my husband and I are ill-matched in the size department. :X

Elora, thanks for sharing your story. My goal is to figure out how to talk to my husband about this before our communication starts to break down in other areas, too. Were you ever able to come out to your husband on your own or did it take until the marriage counseling?

[Elora]

I never did come out to him. It took me so long to find a label that fit me that it seemed pointless to share it with him by then. Aside from online, the only time I've ever labeled myself as asexual was in a solo session with the counselor. Because of confidentiality reasons, she can't share that with him without my permission unless there are some very specific circumstances (which absolutely do not apply, so it's not an issue). I'm not out to my family or friends; it doesn't seem relevant to me to do so at this time.

[PatheticGirl]

I hope you find a solution dear.