Questioning

[chasingthesea]

I came here by googling, so I might not be in the right space. I have recently been talking to a gray-a friend and I thought... feelings vomit at some people who might share experiences could help.

Let me start by saying that I'm a nearly 30 year old trans man and I do experience attraction, primarily to men. A very small number of men. Coming out as trans has been a rough experience and the previous sexual experiences I've had haven't always been consensual or pleasant. I did a lot of work to get through that (hello therapy) and moved across the country to a city that's far more queer and trans friendly than the rural place where I had been living.

And holy hell. I've been dealing with a whole lot of "I'm just not queer enough" feelings and maybe it's being gray-a/demisexual? Maybe?

I have trouble joining in when the queer men I spend time with talk about hot celebrities or even just, like, that hot guy in the bar. I mean, sure, he's physically attractive but... whatever? I don't really care. And, more pertinently, I've started dating a guy and spending time with some people who are attracted to me (not mutual).

It's been a solid struggle that wasn't there when I presented female. There's an expectation that I just want to make out or kiss (or more) because it's fun, because people are pretty, because we've been drinking, just because there might be pleasure in it. And they've expressed that this is just something that is done.

Whoa. Nope. Put on the breaks. I do not want that. I don't want that. I don't want a one night stand, even with a random friend who might be "pretty." I do want to to kiss and do things with my boyfriend, but it took a while to get there and I am definitely more... staid? Underspoken? about what I am interested in. And really, I like maybe one person at a time and it's not all consuming. I have a job and hobbies and I just don't have time for all of this... mess.

Honestly, if it weren't for the testosterone boosting my sex drive, I don't know. I enjoyed having boyfriends and always have, but I have also been pretty fine being single. And I struggle to understand why there's this need for a plethora of sexual options? It's rough and I do not have a great vocabulary for talking about this.

But in this radical queer community that's the expectation. It's not enough that I have a boyfriend. It's a political statement to want lots of sex and be unashamed. It's a political statement not to have bounds of "You're a friend and we will probably never have sex." And I feel pretty unworthy over it.

[- Ętc -]

You could be gray or demi, only you can really know - here's a link to an FAQ with definitions, etc:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html

Hope it helps - in the meantime, have some cake (new people get cake)

[interpol]

And you can ask yourself two simple questions:

Are you afraid of living that way, or are you afraid of people's reactions to you BECAUSE you unshakably want to live that way? I have a thread on this. :)