Being Closeted

[aceymcaceace]

I've just been thinking and I'm interested to find out how many people here are closeted aces.. It's always been a weird topic for me, since I've never really felt the need to 'come out'. Mostly just because the majority of people don't know what asexuality is in any great detail so I imagine my confession would kind of go over their heads..

I've unfortunately taken to referring to myself as bisexual just to fit in better.. I'm not even biromantic! I just feel like bisexual goes down better with people in general. I worry that people will hear panromantic demisexual and consider it attention seeking or some kind of 'special snowflake' identity.. and this is to people I'm really quite close to! It's kind of a troubling topic for me.

How about you guys? Are you closeted? If you've come out (so to speak..), what was your family/friend's reaction? I'd love to know. :)

[thatotherguy57]

I'm only out to a few people. I have no real desire to be out to the world. Of the few I'm out to, two were very supportive, one was pretty apathetic, and one was dismissive.

[damage_case]

Unlike homosexuals/bisexuals, 'coming out' wont solve any purpose. For example: A gay man coming out to his family/general public serves two purposes: 1. Getting rid of this burden, 2. Spreading the word that might help him be in a relationship and being a part of that clique.

For us... we really dont have a clique. Im pretty sure that even asexuals dont form a special team vis a vis the LGBT community. We clearly have no purpose. Educating others is fine but I dont think friends/family shove sex down anyones throat.

If my parents would want me to get married, then I guess I'll have to tell them about it. Although Im unsure how I'll live my life without a companion. Thats a grey area in my head.

[Kellam]

Actually, for me getting rid of my burden was the main reason to come out. After telling friends and coworkers I'm ace via t shirts, youtube, facebook, blogs and self publishing I am a lot happier. I told my family via email. People no longer try to set me up with women and the frequency of people hitting on me at work has slowed to a trickle. I'm much more comfortable in my world now. I know that coming out aint for everyone, but for me it was the only way. I had spent so many years trying to fit into the sexual world that remaining in the closet once I had accepted my asexuality was an impossibility. As awkward as it can be, being out has been better for me than the closet. My family has been very suportive and I now get to converse openly with them. The same goes for my close friends. That alone made it worth coming out. Having that suport makes it so much easier to just out myself. Of course my social anxiety still keeps me from most social gatherings but that's another matter and I'm trying to work on it.

[Styx-the-Gargoyle]

My family and all my friends know except maybe an outlying pair of grandparents or cousins, I don't keep it a secret if it comes up in conversation. I used to refer to myself as bisexual too, but back when I didn't know about asexuality. I figured that since I had an equal lack of interest in both males and females I must be bi. My friends were actually the ones who first introduced me to the concept of asexuality, last year as a freshman. While we were talking about orientations and I said I didn't feel sexual attraction, they gave me the name and definition and I thought it sounded like me. After doing a bit of research I found Aven, and after looking through I was sure it was me. Told my parents pretty casually that weekend, I barely remember it since it was pretty much just "hey by the way I'm asexual", and them pretty much just being "ok cool".

[deltaX]

I'm semi-closeted. 6 of my friends know, and there are a lot of people in my life who I would be happy to tell if the topic came up. I get that my asexuality it's really a big deal and doesn't really effect my friend too much, but there's a small group of people in my life that I share nearly everything with, and I feel like I'm lying by omission by not telling them and keeping it a secret. However, there are also a lot of people in my life (including some people in my family), that would not be able to understand, so for that reason I don't think I will ever be fully out.

[Angeliss]

I myself needed to come out. I'm from a very religious background, and many of my family and even family friends would push for a relationship that I just don't want. And over time, more and more people have been thinking I'm a closet lesbian, which has led to me feeling more and more of an outsider.

By coming out, I've gained understanding and acceptance. At least, a good deal more than I would have if I hadn't.

[Jamesasaur]

I have not come out to anyone. As far as i am concerned its no one elses business. Personally, I don't really see a need to seperate myself from other people with a label. I haven't got much interest in relationships so no one else has to know.

Besides, its not as if they would know what Asexuality is.

[anís]

I just avoid people for whom sex is very influential and a universal truth, so I don't have to explain something they don't believe in.
Other people wouldn't believe me if I came out to them either, but they don't make me feel the pressure to be out because they're not sex-obsessed. I'm not aromantic either, so it's not like I'd have them wondering why do I stay single (I haven't been in a relationship in years though!)

I've come out to four sexual people before, and it didn't help with anything.

[Deleted Person]

I haven't come out to anyone offline (I'm open about it online) except for one person (unintentionally) at work who was constantly bugging me with questions about whether I had met someone yet every time she saw me that I just blurted it out (after no/not looking continually failed to give her a hint).

I want to come out to my mum and brother however, mostly because I want to go on more Ace meets and I don't like lying about where I'm going. I went on one so far and I said I was visiting friends (I had friends in the same town as the met so they at least knew where I was, even if it wasn't who) ...but I felt really awful about doing it and next time I just want to be completely honest (especially as the next one most likely will mean going away for a few days).

Unlike homosexuals/bisexuals, 'coming out' wont solve any purpose. For example: A gay man coming out to his family/general public serves two purposes: 1. Getting rid of this burden, 2. Spreading the word that might help him be in a relationship and being a part of that clique.

I would actually argue this is exactly why I want to come out to more people.

1) I'm very close to my family and I dislike 'hiding' something from them. Saying I'm asexual has nothing to do with me trying to talk about sex to them but everything about letting them know about a large part of who I am. I feel like I'm lying by omission by not saying anything and maybe I can reduce my mum's concern that she failed me when I was younger (she thinks a lot of the reason I don't go out much now is because she couldn't afford to take me out when I was young.. which is not true at all) by explaining that this is just the way I am.

2) Most asexuals are closeted (and that's perfectly fine, everyone must do what's comfortable for them) but might come out to someone if they know they're also ace, so by being more open about it I have a higher chance of actually meeting more aces in real life (something I feel I really need). I've already had two friends online who have since told me they are asexual after I became open about it so I know this is true. One of them even said she always thought I was also ace but never dared ask until I confirmed it.

[HanBanan]

I hadn't come out to my family, but now that it's "Ace Week," I've been posting some things on Facebook about it. My mom isn't on FB, and I have no interest in telling her (she won't judge me for being ace, but she'll probably judge me for thinking it's something I need to come out about. She hates talking about sex/sexuality). I've told certain friends who I suspected would be supportive and only got one negative response: "that's not a thing." After he understood what I meant, he just teases me about it, which is fine. I don't mind talking about it, nor do I mind not talking about it. I wouldn't consider myself closeted, because I would tell someone if they seemed interested in my sexuality, but I don't feel that most people are, so I don't "shove it down their throats" by bringing it up.

[Breathing....]

I have 'come out' to 3 people in real life. One I didn't mean to, but when I explained that I wasn't attracted to anyone he outright asked and I couldnt lie (didn't want to, but literally only discovered asexuality a few days before so really wasn't ready). The second I decided I would tell, spur of the moment but if felt like a 'good' time to do so. The 3rd was today and I was talking to someone who is planning on giving a talk on sexuality and LGBT awareness and I requested they add in a bit about asexuality as it took til now (my mid 20s to figure out what I was).

I'm also going to echo many of the responses here and say that I want to 'come out' to more people to relieve the burden of hiding it/lying by omission. But I'm too scared, not of openly negative responses but that it will change the relationships. I also think I'd like to bring awareness to those around me that this exists... I honestly had no clue and less than 5 months ago told a friend that asexuality was a side effect of hormone imbalance.

[cdrdash]

I have come out twice. First as a lesbian in my 30's to my family and friends and then when I figured out I was really a homoromantic asexual at age 47. My family was very supportive both times I came out.

Most of my friends were supportive when I came out as asexual but a few challenged me on the identity. One in particular felt a need to play devil's advocate which annoyed me. She eventually came around to accepting it or at least not playing devil's advocate anymore.

I'm also out very publicly. I agreed to be in a San Francisco Chronicle article about asexuals in 2009 and I'm briefly in the documentary (A)sexual. So I would have a bit of a hard time going back in the closet.

I do respect folks who remain closeted and would never pressure them to be out. Its a very personal decision.

Cathy

[Sleepy One]

My three close friends know and are completely fine with it. In fact one of them was the one to suggest to me that I might be asexual. The only other person who knows is my mom, and she's fine with it too.

[cali87]

I'm closeted in the sense that i have never outright said "I'm Aromantic Asexual" but i don't pretend I'm interested either. My dad tried subtly pushing the boyfriend issue again, and my response was to scoff at him and ask why the heck I'd want to do that lol.

Now that said, a lot for me is WHO I'm around. My ex BFFs family i may have needed to outright come out too if i was still around them all the time, because they pushed the issue a LOT and in a heavy handed way, practically throwing me at every guy who gave me a second look and giving me the 3rd degree every time i said i wasn't interested.

[AceInhibitor]

Technically yes, because I've never outright said 'I'm asexual' only told people I thought I might be a couple of times and I've been rather vocal with my housemates lately about my disinterest in sex. I'll tell people eventually. If I ever decide I actually want to date someone (I'm not aromantic I just get crushes on inappropriate people) I'll have to tell them, which is frankly terrifying. Before I could just hide away and assume I didn't like them enough, but now I've realised that a lack of sexual attraction is no indication of your romantic feelings towards someone, and seeing as I'm pretty sure I'm heteroromantic (although nobody will be surprised if I end up being bi) I only know one boy who might possibly be ace and he doesn't like me that way and there's other factors that would get in the way of that. So I'm scared it wouldn't be taken very well by whoever I liked. I think there's a silent acknowledgement between me and another friend that we're probably ace, although I think she might be aromantic, but I'm not her so I can't tell, and I have no idea about our other best friends. But then I don't think a lot of people would believe I'm ace because I have so many romantic crushes it's ridiculous.

[Skycaptain]

I unintentionally lived "in the closet" until this year. Until then I refused to recognise in myself that I was feeling no sexual attraction for anyone. Then there was a transition period where I had to consider whether asexual was the correct label to describe me. Finally I outed myself, to be met with the response "tell us something we don't know".

To me, it is up to the individual concerned whether to remain in the closet or not. For many their private life is private, and they wish to keep it that way. Others may choose to out themselves to some people, to quell speculation about their sexuality or to stop being matched-up with potential partners. Unfortunately some people may find themselves being outed involuntarily by third parties.

Personally I found outing myself to have been one of the best decisions of my life. Everyone can now talk to me about what was previously a taboo subject. Even better is the number of new people I have met either physically or virtually since joining up to AVEN, and with no pressure to try and form anything other than simple friendships.

[LowTech]

By the strict definition, I'm closeted, and have never used the word "Asexual" to describe myself to anyone, family or friend.

But, if directly asked my orientation, I will directly answer that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone or anything.

It's just that the combination of my social/family life, age, job, and other factors means I'm never in a situation where that question comes up. The people around me generally don't ask that kind of question. If they do, it's usually an outgrowth of them wondering why I didn't ever date/get married and why I don't do the party scene. And even then, they're more concerned I might be depressed or mentaly ill, not that I'm subscribing to some "made up" label or have the "wrong" orientation.

As I get firmly entrenched in midde-age, those questions have kinda died off as my personal relationships have become almost totally proffesional ones. There's nobody around me who'd have a need to discuss sex, even politely.

Openly stating mine is likewise pointless, what would it accomplish? Nobody around me really cares.

So, yeah, I'm in the closet I guess, only becuase that's where you put things you don't use.

[Sally]

No one in my age group (generally 50+) is interested anymore in talking about who's what orientation -- for which I'm glad, since I'm not interested in talking about it either. AVEN's the only place where I'm curious about others, mainly to see how many of us there are, and how many very young people are realizing who they are. I realized I was asexual about 7 years ago now, but it wasn't a shock since I'd been asexual all my life but just didn't have a word for it. It was a shock to my partner, though.

[Winnie_A]

I've told two friends. I don't really feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. I wouldn't tell my parents because they don't approve of "other" sexualities. If the need arises, I may tell them that I don't have an interest in dating/liking other people, but I wouldn't phrase it using the term "asexual." Other than that, it really doesn't matter if anyone else knows.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I have come out in my personal life only. I have not come out at work because I don't see any reason why co-workers need to know about my sex life, or lack thereof.

Coming out at work would invite some measure of ridicule and questions I am not inclined to want to address in the workplace. While I am not fearful of repercussions, there is really no good that could come from it. Most people assume I am a circumspect playboy who enjoys the single life. In some respects, that is true.

[Ace of Cakes]

I'm only out to my little sister, my boyfriend, and two aces I know irl.

When I first found out I was ace I was content with this small number knowing. I didn't see why anyone else needed to.

Now, I've sort of started wishing more people knew, but not enough to tell them. Especially since my bf is sexual and I know it would complicate things for him if people knew I was ace.

[deleted_account]

I've come out to a few people now but the reactions I've gotten make me wonder sometimes if everyone is just trying to set me up with someone or sleep with me and they don't want me to be asexual because it gets in the way of their plans. I hate that. It feels like I can't trust people. I think I might just announce it on Facebook so people know to leave me alone. It seems like it would be easier than just tattooing "GO AWAY" on my forehead.

[Theoryal]

I know I've expressed distaste for the highly sex-focused culture and I don't think anyone perceived me as being interested in sex at all before I met my husband, though I wasn't really familiar with the term and hadn't told anyone specifically that I saw myself as asexual - I never dated, never drooled or 'gushed' over 'hot' guys, didn't get sex jokes, and was generally seen as 'innocent and naive'. I think I have at least said to my mom that I saw sex as for having babies and otherwise what's the point. But I don't know she took me seriously because I was just a 'late bloomer' in the romance area. Since reading more about asexuality and finding this site, I'm definitely convinced that this is what I am, but I still haven't used this term to tell anyone. This is mainly because my close friends don't like talking about sex themselves so it never really comes up, and with my less close friends who do talk about sex.... well as per usual I just stay out of the whole conversation and try to steer it elsewhere. I do sometimes still express distaste for overly sexualized things, as I always have. But no, I haven't sat down and explained in detail to anyone that I am asexual and what this means. I don't feel a strong need to make this clear to most people, but sometimes I do feel like it would be nice to at least feel like if I did mention it that they would actually be accepting - however I feel like it would end up turning into a long convoluted argument for many different reasons that probably wouldn't really end in anything useful. I have at least, even before discovering the term asexuality, explained to my husband that I just don't really enjoy sexual stimulation myself but I do appreciate that this is a way I can make him feel really loved, and he seems to respect that - while things aren't entirely sorted out for us in that area, I feel like it's improving. At this point I don't think using this specific term when talking with him or others would be particularly helpful, since he already understands that sex isn't really "where it's at" for me, but it is helpful for me to just know that others like me exist and that it's okay. :)

[Rising Sun]

I've come out only to my last partner (gor obvious reasons) and to 2 friends (the first time was an accident, the second time was because it was useful). But I don't like coming out. I consider sexual orientation as private. People should respect that. They don't need to know who I desire to sleep with or not. The only circumstance where I make them know some things about my love life is when I start a serious relationship and I tell them who my new partner is, not because I want to tell them about my love life, but because I'm proud to be in a relationship with such a wonderful person.

[Ultima]

I only realized I am asexual a few months ago and AVEN is the only place that I am "out."

[WuNsChKiNd89]

I've come out to one person, and he's a friend that I basically only talk to online. His response was "oh that's cool".. I suspect he either didn't grasp it or it simply doesn't matter to him. Either way I've not been too concerned and haven't pushed the subject at all. If he decides he's curious about it I will happily answer any questions he has, but other than that I haven't brought it up again. I haven't come out to anyone else for a variety of reasons. First and foremost I feel no need to come out, don't see any reason to. I don't feel like it would improve my life any. Neither do I think its really anybody's business. To some extent I also fear the repercussions; reactions of people I tell, most of which have been discussed by others on this thread.

I've got three close girl friends that I may tell one day, if it becomes applicable. I think of it as information that I'll share on a need to know basis.

I don't hide it, but I'm not forthcoming about it either (I have absolutely no qualms about "lying by omission", don't really consider with-holding information to be lying). If anybody straight-up asks I'll tell them all they want to know. Until then, it's my knowledge to keep.

[Hellionil]

I have only come out to three real life friends, two who were supportive after i explained what asexuality was, and then one who turned out to be a secret ace herself haha. I also came out to me 23 followers on tumblr and had 3 of the unfollow me over it. Whatever.

I have never used the asexual term around my family, but they know that i typically don't care for dating and that i never want kids.

It seems like i might have to be a little more upfront about it though. My sister in particular keeps trying to make me discuss guys with her, and it is really awkward. My dad sometimes gives me little "see, this is why people shouldn't have sex outside of marriage" talks whenever we watch shows or movies together. It is rather hysterical trying to keep a strait face when all i can think is "why on earth would anyone want to anyway" haha

[JaySexual]

I haven't come out, on being bi, and same for asexual

I prefer to just keep my private life private.

(though I would be more open to mentioning asexual, I really don't see it as too big of a deal if someone found out)