b88 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 So I have been online dating for quite a long time, had a few relationships from it. I blog about my experiences and have a couple of followers, maybe 100 or so, so it's pretty small. I recently started to question my sexuality (assumed heterosexual for many years), noting that I found women aesthetically attractive as well as men, but slowly realizing that I didn't experience sexual attraction to either. So as well as posting about the silly messages I get on the dating sites, I've posted a few things about that. I got a comment today that irked me. They said "Please stop all this attention seeking. It's embarrassing." Who exactly am I trying to get attention from? And why would I pretend to be ace in order to do that? I don't get it. I do things that certainly ARE attention-seeking, I sing, dance, model... and no one ever has a go at me for being attention seeking then. Why do people have to make it about them, why do they think I want something from them when all I'm trying to do is figure myself out? /rant Link to post Share on other sites
Hobbes! Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Yeah, I feel you :/ Waaay back when I was interviewed for an article in The Guardian, I was stupid enough to read the comments online. We were accused of being after some sort of government subsidy by one person. The sheer wooden-headed stupidity of it all hurt. The journalist asked me to participate, for heaven's sake. They went to read your blog. It's like some people expect us to run away and hide so they don't ever have to see or hear about us Link to post Share on other sites
Techie Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I have noticed the "attention seeking" appears to be one of the pat responses to a declaration of asexuality along with "have your hormones checked" and "you haven't met the right person". I am perfectly happy to remain anonymous and not blast to the world my orientation. Perhaps there are a few who wish to shout it from the rooftops but you will find those kind of people in any group from religious to professional. Some people just crave the limelight but that does not mean a particular group as a whole desires it. Link to post Share on other sites
hadeel Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hey from here in Scandinavia, you probably suffer from the romantic ideals. The romantic ideals make you Desire and wish and want, the perfect ways of living. The romantic ideals are (I think) a husband, 2-3 children, good economy, a house, a car, good jobs for both husband and wife, travelling abroad perhaps in camping wagom etc etc AND ! you have to meet the perfect guy in the perfect moment on the perfect place. Eat the perfect food, he has to have the perfect parents, you mother and father in law, isnt they called so in English. And you have to have 2 candles alighted you think or else Things dont Work. And a table etc etc. GOSH ! You have to do much to become real then, you see if you believe in the romantic ideals. Link to post Share on other sites
imgone Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 This is probably one of the main reasons I've avoided making any sort of big announcement re: my asexuality... I worry a lot about coming off as a special snowflake, especially since I think a lot of people believe women are just supposed to be a lot less into sex and so I'd come off as making a big deal out of nothing... That, and I couldn't deal with answering all the questions. And having people just flat out not believe me. I'm done letting people make me doubt myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Zash Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 A good response to people who tell you to stop attention seeking: "Then stop giving me attention." The irony of someone telling you to stop attention seeking, is if you were attention seeking, telling you to stop it is precisely what you want, attention. Link to post Share on other sites
romantic-woman Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 It is a silly thought that people tend to be aces cause it is cool or whatever. Don't listen to what these jealous people say. Seriously only a crazy one could believe that we want to make our life difficult by acting as asexuals. All know how life would be easier if we weren't. Link to post Share on other sites
yellow Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I tried the online dating thing too, on mainstream sites. While I wasn't accused of attention seeking outright, I did attract the attention of some really tacky people. Some wanted to argue with me about my asexuality, some wanted to make fun of me, some wanted to know if I was serious, some thought I had no business living, etc. it was unfortunate but I guess anything that's not common makes some people act funny :/ Link to post Share on other sites
S.Kobold Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I've never understood why anyone should be told to stop seeking attention... it's part of what we do as people - especially here on the internet! By telling you to stop attention seeking they are basically trying to tell you that your problems are insignificant, but aren't actually in a position to judge. Life is too short not to talk to people, not to share your experiences, not to look at the world around you... Link to post Share on other sites
Mona Lisa Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 99.9% of negative comments that are posted online would never happen if the poster actually had to stand face-to-face to that person to tell them. The Internet gives people anonymity and they feel perfectly safe and entitled to judge other people from their own keyboards without having to face the consequences of what they say. I'd love to have someone tell me I'm a "special snowflake" to my face. But, alas, those people are generally cowards. Link to post Share on other sites
Moon Ace Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 The underlying meaning to something like that is usually 'I don't believe you' . Link to post Share on other sites
Vala Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 This sort of reminds me of how gay people are treated. If a character is hinted at as being gay in a novel, some people will exclaim that the author is "shoving homosexuality in their face" or the author "has a political agenda." It's really just because those people don't agree with homosexuality, or are fearful of it. A boy admitting a crush on another boy is like this huge deal to these critics when it's just a few lines in a 500-page book, but those same people don't notice the dozen heterosexual couple kissing in every other chapter or claim that the author is shoving romance in their face. Same as on a blog; talk about your fiancee and it's a normal thing; talk about your asexuality, and people will think you're drawing attention to yourself. Those people just notice it more because they don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
HanBanan Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 ^ What they said. I have a friend who calls me attention-seeking a lot, and I find it quite offensive when he's talking about sexual attention, but I shrug it off when he is talking about any other type. Having an online presence can be considered 'attention-seeking.' Posting knowing that someone might like your post could be considered attention-seeking. If I as a woman smile at a man, I am called a flirt or a tease. People will say things about you when they don't understand your intentions, and in that case, you've just got to follow my girl T-Swift's advice and "Shake It Off" ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Angeliss Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Trolls. Don't feed them. They're jerks. Ignore them, and they'll find easier prey. Keep on writing your blogs. Block people if you need to, but you've already let the asexual cat out of the bag, so go on and use it to bring awareness. Maybe some of your viewers are asexual and don't realize it. If you think of it as helping people, it helps take some of the heat off of you, and makes it a little easier to annoy those evil little trolls. (Also, I always picture the trolls as actual troll dolls from the 80s with the horrible hair. It makes them easier to laugh at.) Link to post Share on other sites
b88 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 ^ this is exactly why I want to post, because if I hadn't stumbled across all of this I'd have just gone on struggling and wondering why my experience was different, why I struggled with things that other people found so natural :) If my ramblings help even one other person to find their way to understanding themselves a little better then it's worthwhile. And tbh my identity is a huge aspect of my dating life so I feel like it deserves to be mentioned, it's difficult being on the ace spectrum and trying to navigate a very sexualized dating world. I had a sexual person comment they thought they'd find it very hard to reconcile the differences with 'someone like me' and ask if I shouldn't find another asexual to date, but after I replied to them they seemed to understand a little better how it could work :) Thanks so much to everyone who replied, since I'm fairly new to posting about it in public spaces I hadn't really encountered this before but the explanations you gave make a lot of sense. Perhaps if asexuality becomes more visible, better understood and more accepted, those kinds of comments will be less common. I'll carry right on! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Ruqiah Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 A good response to people who tell you to stop attention seeking: "Then stop giving me attention." The irony of someone telling you to stop attention seeking, is if you were attention seeking, telling you to stop it is precisely what you want, attention. ^ Hahahaha. NOICE. I'll have to remember that. But anyways, in my online interactions, I don't ever really care what people judge me as. Fact is they are someone miles away whom I've never met. Why should I let their cowardly words bother me? (It's not like they'd say it to my face.) I got bigger fish to fry in this world rather than be worried and / or concerned what people on the net say about me. All I can do is give kindness and respect to everyone, and go my own way knowing that I at least have decency not to act like a child. As far as my asexuality goes, I'm told that I have not found the right guy or that there's no such thing. But then again, it's not like I ever met these people face to face. So goes back to before, why should I let their judgements of me matter? Only my true friends matter, and if they are the ones saying these things, I will forgive them on it and educate them. Link to post Share on other sites
gravityfalls Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 *cue frustrated noise* You (people who are mean about this kind of stuff) say sex jokes and tease other people about their sexuality- how is that not attention seeking? I'm sorry if I trusted you enough to tell you something personal about myself. I should not be a burden. Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 I know about this ....I been accused of attention seeking just for being vegetarian ....imagine if more people knew I am ace. Link to post Share on other sites
Exanimis Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Baahh... That's why I avoid outing myself and shit. I have low patience-threshold for this kind of boocheet and tend to get pretty aggressive-aggressive on them, besides knowing that I will offend someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronny Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 It's why 'visibility' is not necessarily a good idea. I simply do not trust in people to respect us. How bad is it when outright hate - based specifically on our nature - would be preferable to this sneering disbelief? I can handle being a 'freak', a 'robot' or whatever. It hurts, but I can take it. What I CANNOT is people telling me what I am or aren't, when they don't have the first clue. The disbelief is our biggest problem, and something we'll never overcome - not when our own supposed 'allies' only tolerate us, and our community is so fractured. Ultimately, it's why we'll never fully be embraced, even when homosexuality is. Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I know about this ....I been accused of attention seeking just for being vegetarian ....imagine if more people knew I am ace. Yep. I don't bring up my being vegetarian in normal conversations. Best response ever (When I was in junior high). "Oh, how long have you been a vegetarian for?" (Nice but patronizing as it was a fad then). "Three years." Them "Blank look". I imagine I could get the same response for my asexualism if I were simply to say I have never dated or kissed anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I know about this ....I been accused of attention seeking just for being vegetarian ....imagine if more people knew I am ace. Yep. I don't bring up my being vegetarian in normal conversations. Best response ever (When I was in junior high). "Oh, how long have you been a vegetarian for?" (Nice but patronizing as it was a fad then). "Three years." Them "Blank look". I imagine I could get the same response for my asexualism if I were simply to say I have never dated or kissed anyone. Yeah, there are a lot of silly people out there ....don't be surprised if one day you get asked if your asexuality is because of your vegetarianism, or if your vegetarianism is because of your asexuality. I have been asked both questions. Link to post Share on other sites
deleted_account Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I hate attention, but sometimes I do stuff on purpose to get attention anyway. When I came out as bisexual, people saw that as a ploy for attention, and now that I'm asexual it seems like people think I'm trying to be better than them and imply having sex is for stupid people or that I hate straight people or something. I decided to just run with it and get back at people for being homophobic... so now when I see straight people slobbering all over each other, I like to yell things at them, because why should gay people be the only ones who get harassed for their identity? Now everybody wins! Link to post Share on other sites
Ficulnean Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I hate attention, but sometimes I do stuff on purpose to get attention anyway. When I came out as bisexual, people saw that as a ploy for attention, and now that I'm asexual it seems like people think I'm trying to be better than them and imply having sex is for stupid people or that I hate straight people or something. I decided to just run with it and get back at people for being homophobic... so now when I see straight people slobbering all over each other, I like to yell things at them, because why should gay people be the only ones who get harassed for their identity? Now everybody wins! No, no. Don't do this. Even if I am still kind of laughing over it. Yep, still. That i certainly one way to look at it. Just keep it to those people who actually have tried to spite you, m'kay? Link to post Share on other sites
WuNsChKiNd89 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I hate attention, but sometimes I do stuff on purpose to get attention anyway. When I came out as bisexual, people saw that as a ploy for attention, and now that I'm asexual it seems like people think I'm trying to be better than them and imply having sex is for stupid people or that I hate straight people or something. I decided to just run with it and get back at people for being homophobic... so now when I see straight people slobbering all over each other, I like to yell things at them, because why should gay people be the only ones who get harassed for their identity? Now everybody wins! ahahaha I'm totally doing this!! Funniest thing ever! Link to post Share on other sites
deleted_account Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 ...don't actually do this unless you want to be the friend nobody likes. :P I kind of troll in real life to amuse myself sometimes, which isn't really healthy. I actually do feel a lot of sympathies for gay people and straight people... I just like to be mean once in a while because I was nice for like my whole life. IT'S NOT COOL. DON'T DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
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