Is asexuality lifelong?

[shalyn840]

I'm a 37 YO female. Some background - I was sexually abused by my father until I was 10. I started having sex with boys my age when I was 13. I have ALWAYS felt that men have wanted nothing more from me than sex. Not once have I felt otherwise. However, I have always had a somewhat high sex drive and have always enjoyed sex.....up until the past six months.

I can't say what exactly happened, but, I've shut down totally. I have absolutely no desire to have sex at all.......ever. Honestly, I could care less if I ever do it again.

This has had a severe impact on my relationships, obviously. One man keeps asking me when I'll get over this spell of mine, and actually would love to have me give him a date and time (haha) when I'll be ready again. Another says I need to see a therapist.

My question is this I guess - is it uncommon to all of the sudden "turn asexual' or is it always lifelong?

[Shivers]

Different people have different experiences. We won't exclude you or anything because of your past. As everyone is going to tell you, it's up to you to decide if you're asexual or not.....

[*a*rteest]

I know the cliche is that only YOU know if you are A, but in my humble opinion I highly doubt it. I just think you keep hitting a point in your relationships where you HAVE to deal with your past. I just think that because yes, in the past you have enjoyed and wanted sex. I just think there is somthing that is blocking your feelings rather than just "turning" asexual.

I'd definitely recommend trying to see a therapist, if they can posibly help you.

[hafnium]

i dont think anything is forever- let me rephrase that- that anything need be forever. its your call.

perhaps its a phase, perhaps it not. you will know with time.

[Joyous56]

My reaction may not be accepted well....by many....but when you said that your lack of sexual desire in the past six months has severely affected your relationships (plural), I wondered how many relationships you have had in the past six months where the issue of your sexual desire has come up?

My point is that perhaps you are having difficulty finding pleasure or satisfaction in physical intimacy because of other issues....like not having enough intimacy in other areas....or because you are expecting sexual satisfaction when you really need something else.

I'm not sure I'm expressing this right. All I know is that having to deal with the sex issue in several relationships in a six month period would make me feel like perhaps those relationships were more about sex than about.....intimacy.

It's an interesting question to pursue, and I'm in pursuit of some answers myself. Good luck!

[mindlife]

Only you can decide if asexual fits you.

We have a few members who assert that they turned asexual rather than feeling so all their lives.

I always felt most like myself when I was untouched and free from arousal.

Welcome to AVEN.

[Amcan]

Yes it's up to you to decide if you want to use the label asexual.

But I agree with others here you do have 'issues' (I hate that word but...) have you ever talked about your experiences and feelings to a professional?

It might help.

[cait]

My reaction may not be accepted well....by many....but when you said that your lack of sexual desire in the past six months has severely affected your relationships (plural), I wondered how many relationships you have had in the past six months where the issue of your sexual desire has come up?

My point is that perhaps you are having difficulty finding pleasure or satisfaction in physical intimacy because of other issues....like not having enough intimacy in other areas....or because you are expecting sexual satisfaction when you really need something else.

I'm not sure I'm expressing this right. All I know is that having to deal with the sex issue in several relationships in a six month period would make me feel like perhaps those relationships were more about sex than about.....intimacy.

It's an interesting question to pursue, and I'm in pursuit of some answers myself. Good luck!

I would like to second this notion. As you say, you feel that men only want sex from you. And you don't seem to have any men around you who are dedicated to you at all. Perhaps you've just reached a point in your life that you realize all the sexual satisfaction isn't satisfying you. Maybe your mind is trying to tell you that you should be working on other areas of your relationships. Maybe this is just a wakeup call. And you need to find guys who aren't so fixated on sex. Not all guys only want sex from females.

Also, have you been depressed lately by anything? Or stressed over something? Anything that's happened to you within the past year could be relevant.

[shalyn840]

Let me reword my post if you will.

I haven't had any real "relationships" so to speak, more casual dating - three men to be specific. As far as "severely" affecting, that's a little exagerated, I'm sure too.

The sex issue has come up with all 3 of them at one time or another. I said no and that I wanted to wait. They either have given me ultimatums or have left.

I have had long-term relationships (and was married for 10 years) in the past that once they have gotten sex from me, have stopped all the emotional giving, and, quite frankly, I'm sick of those. When I tell them I need the emotional stuff to have sex, they walk/leave. My ex-husband wasn't even willing to put in the time for emotional giving to save our marriage and chose to divorce.

When I say emotional giving, I mean, holding hands, hugging, kissing, taking me out once in a while, spending time with me. I don't think I am asking too much really.

Hope that helps everyone and sorry for the long post!

[vikingo]

Welcome to AVEN, shalyn840.

I second what Joyous56 and cait and wrote on emotional stuff. As I read your posting it appears to me that you have not yet met people ready for emotional sharing. This requires both to be open minded and - on the more practical level - openness to compromise to meet the other. Sex drive can be affected by e.g. stress or unresolved matters from your past. If this is the case, proper professional help could be the best choice.

[hafnium]

Welcome to AVEN, shalyn840.

I second what Joyous56 and cait and wrote on emotional stuff. As I read your posting it appears to me that you have not yet met people ready for emotional sharing. This requires both to be open minded and - on the more practical level - openness to compromise to meet the other. Sex drive can be affected by e.g. stress or unresolved matters from your past. If this is the case, proper professional help could be the best choice.

seconded

[Joyous56]

shalyn840,

Here is a great article on the different types or stages of intimacy. It really helped me clarify exactly what my wants/needs were, and to realize that I had pretty low expectations in some areas......so naturally, I felt alone and disappointed>>

http://www.couplescompany.com/Advice/Artic...ges/default.htm

Note how the article discusses how often people rush straight to sexual intimacy before the other stages are reached. I know that I have in the past, and that may be a reason why I find sex an absolute non-necessity now. I need the other types so much more!

[hafnium]

shalyn840,

Here is a great article on the different types or stages of intimacy. It really helped me clarify exactly what my wants/needs were, and to realize that I had pretty low expectations in some areas......so naturally, I felt alone and disappointed>>

http://www.couplescompany.com/Advice/Artic...ges/default.htm

Note how the article discusses how often people rush straight to sexual intimacy before the other stages are reached. I know that I have in the past, and that may be a reason why I find sex an absolute non-necessity now. I need the other types so much more!

that is very informative. i can totally relate to that. part of my asexuality is the guilt that i associate with my first sexual encounter that had nothing else going for it.