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Attracted to... myself?


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#1 Alyssum

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 05:32 AM

Alright, if there's one thing I've learned from my recent forum-lurking days and especially on this site, it's that no matter how weird I feel this is there's probably someone else who feels the same way, so I'd love to hear from you if you do. But even if not, anyone who chirps in would be very helpful!

I posted in another thread the other day (though I edited it out later) that I feel like there is a defining sense to my asexual "sexuality" aside from just fetishes. I'm identifying as demisexual so I do have sexual feelings toward someone I have a crush on, but that's not what I'm getting at. I have a strong libido that I make use of at least somewhat often these days. What I've realized is that all of my fantasies, while involving tons of different fetishes, revolve around a single theme: thoughts of me expressing my sexuality. Like, even in the times before I came to terms with my regular asexuality, when I would have fantasies involving sex, what it actually was was like the other person involved would be totally unimportant to the point that they may as well not even have been there, the whole point was that I was imagining myself expressing my sexuality and that would get me going. Even just the thought of masturbation and the image of myself as sexually expressive through it gets me going. Often it's not me in the sense that it's not my current body (it is a fantasy, after all), like I'll just imagine myself as gorgeously attractive or (in some stranger fetishes) possessing someone else, but the thought that it is me is still required for it to work. Like in the ones where I possess someone, the thought of that person alone does nothing for me, it's when I become them that suddenly there's an attraction. This actually helps me kind of understand why I've been feeling pretty asexual so far but at the same time like I have my own very sexual identity. The demisexual feelings toward my crush have only just surfaced a couple days ago, so they haven't had a role in this. In some of my more abstract fantasies it doesn't necessarily have to be me as a regular person or in a tangible state, like sometimes they'll feel a little more transpersonal (very difficult to explain), but it always revolves around myself as a sexual entity. Aside from my crush now, there is no way for me to get anywhere if I don't follow this angle.

So that's about it. I'm pretty certain that's how it is, I'd just like to know if anyone else feels this way or has any input. I'm not trying to sound narcissistic or anything, it just feels like an attraction like any other, something I can't do anything about. Any thoughts? Similar experiences?

#2 Mismatched

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 08:00 AM

I can definitely relate to a certain extent. While I am not demisexual, I am asexual, but I do share the whole idea of being attracted to myself. Not trying to sound like a narcissist, but I do find myself extremely attractive and sexy. I check myself out in the mirror, I sometimes dance for myself, I check out my figure, I love my legs. Sometimes I enjoy playing the part of someone who is outwardly sexually confident, I actually do feel sexually confident, but only for myself. While when I masturbate none of the thoughts include me, only people expressing their sexuality. But sometimes I do pretend to be someone else at times when masturbating. I am not sure if this makes sense.

But the odd part about this is, that while I do find myself sexy and attractive, I feel that it is only for me, and I don't want anyone else to have that opinion of me. I know I do have a sexuality, but it only connects to myself and has no room for anyone else. I am able to have a deep emotional connection, but my sexuality is only for me.

This is why I call myself auto-erotic. I am just so sexy, but I am also a jealous lover, so no touching! Haha.

#3 Alyssum

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 02:12 PM

Thanks for the input! I can relate to some of that, too. I have a lot of body dysphoria so I don't really find the way I am outright sexy, but I do still end up checking out my figure a lot, watching myself in the mirror, stuff like that. My fantasies tend to work a lot better when I imagine myself in the right body. (Which I'm slowly moving toward!) Demi crush aside, I also feel very sexually confident with myself despite normally feeling asexual and I feel that my sexuality is a very personal thing, and I have a desire frequently to express my sexuality in ways that I'm sure would probably only be sexy to me lol. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone, so thanks for sharing. :) I may have to start using that label myself!

Actually, now that I think about it, I can even remember a couple of times in my life growing up when I'd be talking to close friends about my sexuality (before I'd really given it a whole lot of thought or knew about any of this stuff) and I'd eventually just end up telling them "I'm in love with myself!" I think I tried to convince myself that I meant it at least half-jokingly, but I guess I should've listened, I really knew what I was talking about back then. :lol:

#4 Mismatched

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 06:27 PM

Actually, now that I think about it, I can even remember a couple of times in my life growing up when I'd be talking to close friends about my sexuality (before I'd really given it a whole lot of thought or knew about any of this stuff) and I'd eventually just end up telling them "I'm in love with myself!" I think I tried to convince myself that I meant it at least half-jokingly, but I guess I should've listened, I really knew what I was talking about back then. :lol:


Yeah, same thing for me! I remember things that I just said back then, and I realized I really should have listened to myself later on. I remember when I was in my chat room phase, and someone kept wanting to cyber and I was like, "I don't see the point. I don't feel the need for that." and he kept talking to me more so in disbelief and listing situations that most people do feel attraction. And I was just so casually saying, "No, I don't."

I wish I had listened to that moment of clarity instead of trying to figure out different ways to be attracted to a boyfriend I had earlier and thinking that I was broken because I didn't feel that way.

Also I knew at one point that masturbation was good enough for me, that I had not curiosity or urge to pursue sex with others. And then again I should have listened to that moment of clarity, instead of trying to incorporate what I thought of while masturbation in practice. :S Didn't work out too well. Haha.

#5 Alyssum

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 09:54 PM

Oh yeah, I never got cybering either! I'd totally forgotten about that lol. I was always just like, where is the point or even the slightest bit of appeal? o.O Haha, I'm still a virgin myself, but I can definitely tell you that my fantasies would not be compatible with reality. Honestly this whole demisexual thing just makes me feel lost, it's like a clean slate. It only emerged like three or four days ago, whenever it was I had decided to give it a test run with my crush, not that I mind normally but I feel so sexually underdeveloped now that I actually have an outward orientation to potentially worry about it. Everything else in my life leading up to it has been all auto/asexual. What am I gonna do if/when the day comes that I actually have sex with someone that I feel attracted to?? (Actually, is it normal to not have crazy fetishes? I really wouldn't know. I guess I'd be normal if it is, but that just doesn't feel right. :rolleyes:)

#6 ShatteredWings

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 02:12 AM

I *think* the term is "autosexual". I don't see it as narcissistic, just you're not interested in other peoples in that way.

can't say I emphathise, and good luck, but yeah. my $0.02

#7 Hayley_me

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 09:14 AM

I've the same problem. I do masturbate and I fantasise about myself too.

#8 Data

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 09:36 AM

I often just think about how it feels like, is that autosexual? I don't think that this implies that I am attracted to myself I don't think about how I look, that seems irrelevant.

#9 Hayley_me

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Posted 29 December 2011 - 09:56 AM

It's also beeing get on with yourself and acpeting yourself.




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