TransWhatevers of AVEN

[butterflydreams]

I'm loving the testosterone fuelled exercise... Almost three weeks on it and already my endurance has completely changed. I can easily lift twice as much as I could a month ago without a peep from my back and can now do push ups marine style without any issues at all. Plus, five minutes after I've stopped exercising, I'm back to feeling fine, not like the hours of exhaustion I used to have.

Huh. It's almost as if I should’ve always been this way :lol:

Hehe, I love this. So glad it's working out so well for you! Can't say I've personally noticed a substantial loss of strength or anything. Though I didn't start with a lot of upper body strength to begin with. I can still do a single pull-up just to show up naysayers. Most of the exercise I do is aerobic in nature (cycling, hiking, etc). I don't even know what a marine style pushup is...god knows I can barely do regular ones

So I wrapped up my mini-trip today. Considered going swimming again, but the beach was substantially more crowded on a saturday. Went on a hike on some cliffs above the lake instead. But I noticed something different about myself this morning as I was leaving camp, and on my little hike. I was actually feeling dysphoria free. I felt like any way I was doing me was good enough. I didn't feel like I had to actively work at anything. I just am a woman. I felt like I was passing so much, all morning. When I went to the bathroom, when I took a shower, when I was cleaning up camp, when I was hiking.

These capri yoga leggings I had...I never really wore them. I got them before I got comfortable just wearing underwear under skirts. I've never worn them on their own before, even though they look good. I thought they'd be too revealing, but today, I realized, no, they aren't. And even if something slips, and someone notices, that's their problem for checking out my crotch area. I wore just them, all morning. And a cami top because it was so hot, even though I never like to be that exposed. I nervously took pictures of myself and genuinely thought, "anyone who looks at you and thinks you're a guy should strongly consider smoking less weed."

But seriously, dysphoria free, for the first time since admitting to myself what was up. I thought this might be helpful to people. I don't think there's a dysphoria magic bullet. There are lots of things that you can do, and try, and work on, but sometimes, it just takes time for everything to build up. I never thought I'd feel like I did today.

(Oh, and this park, it's so beautiful. I missed it so much. I don't know how, but I'm going to have my wedding there someday.)

[daveb]

Awesome, Dissolved and Hadley!

[Autumn Sunrise]

That's amazing, dissolved - it must be a great feeling :D

Hadley, I'm so happy for you! It sounds like this camping trip has been one of the defining moments of your transition . . . to say nothing of the fact that it will leave you with lots of great memories :) Go, girl!!

[Emery.]

I thought I will post this.

Recently I was struggling with presenting masculine. I went in my head thinking what other people think about this and that, and what to do to make them think this and not that, and so on. I gave in, in some way. I decided to make some trans-compromise, because I saw that if I continue just "going with the flow" of not standing out, I will continue also being misunderstood, and being treated how I dislike - about what I complained about for years. It brought some very positive effects. The compromise, giving in to norms for the sake of communication with people, in general. I kind of pride myself in not giving a sh, so you can imagine how it hurt ;)

So I reached some trying to conform to masculinity, in general. All the norms and stereotypes, on me. If I want to be recognised as a masculine-identified person, well, it needs to be recognised somehow and communicated, if I want anyone to treat me accordignly, to know about it. I need to act the part, right? So I went all the way from "Real men don't like their boobs" to "Don't be lame, flowers and cute animals are lame" and "Act cool and confident"(*even if you're not). Quite possibly, I verified every possible clichee about masculinity available :P Pain, pain, pain. So let me tell you that it a big part of it is just a matter of habit. And a question of what you're compromising. For me there is a choice: either this nice floral skirt or no "gentlemen". So, I choose to not give in to the temptation of floral prints. I prefer being left alone ;)

There are things I agree to do in order to fit in, and others - I refuse. For example, I hate the gym. I like sport, yes, I like biking, for example, but gym and football, no. I dislike showing off. The conclusion being... I sort of got paranoid first, then sort of tired with trying to fit in, and right now, I don't even feel I need to conform in any way. Like, today, I thought something along the lines "No, I won't give up this plan about dancing classes just to fit in as masculine. Actually, I'm more than masculine enough on my own and having diverse preferences shows I still have a persoality and didn't go nuts yet." So... conforming just as much as I absolutely need to, and nobody will tell me to be be someone else to seem masculine, it's completely not the point of this situation, quite the opposite.

[Tarfeather]

I thought I will post this.

Recently I was struggling with presenting masculine. I went in my head thinking what other people think about this and that, and what to do to make them think this and not that, and so on. I gave in, in some way. I decided to make some trans-compromise, because I saw that if I continue just "going with the flow" of not standing out, I will continue also being misunderstood, and being treated how I dislike - about what I complained about for years. It brought some very positive effects. The compromise, giving in to norms for the sake of communication with people, in general. I kind of pride myself in not giving a sh, so you can imagine how it hurt ;)

So I reached some trying to conform to masculinity, in general. All the norms and stereotypes, on me. If I want to be recognised as a masculine-identified person, well, it needs to be recognised somehow and communicated, if I want anyone to treat me accordignly, to know about it. I need to act the part, right? So I went all the way from "Real men don't like their boobs" to "Don't be lame, flowers and cute animals are lame" and "Act cool and confident"(*even if you're not). Quite possibly, I verified every possible clichee about masculinity available :P Pain, pain, pain. So let me tell you that it a big part of it is just a matter of habit. And a question of what you're compromising. For me there is a choice: either this nice floral skirt or no "gentlemen". So, I choose to not give in to the temptation of floral prints. I prefer being left alone ;)

There are things I agree to do in order to fit in, and others - I refuse. For example, I hate the gym. I like sport, yes, I like biking, for example, but gym and football, no. I dislike showing off. The conclusion being... I sort of got paranoid first, then sort of tired with trying to fit in, and right now, I don't even feel I need to conform in any way. Like, today, I thought something along the lines "No, I won't give up this plan about dancing classes just to fit in as masculine. Actually, I'm more than masculine enough on my own and having diverse preferences shows I still have a persoality and didn't go nuts yet." So... conforming just as much as I absolutely need to, and nobody will tell me to be be someone else to seem masculine, it's completely not the point of this situation, quite the opposite.

You're a lot more masculine than I am, Emery. :P Go you!

[Emery.]

Heeeh, thanks xP Haha

[Mezzo Forte]

Man, being closeted 4+ months into transition is really awkward, to put it lightly. I choke when I even consider trying to say something to any of my colleagues or professors, so I feel like I have this giant elephant in the room more often than not. I have one good friend who knows (because I let someone else tell him), so I at least have someone I can talk to, but that only helps so much.

(Still, my friend mentioned that I'm not the only person currently transitioning within the music school, so that's kinda cool.)

[dissolved]

When are you planning to tell everyone Mezzo?

It appears I have teenage boy syndrome. I've never been one to appreciate aesthetics or experience instant attraction, but my new counsellor at work is rather hot :D definitely blaming the testosterone...

[Mezzo Forte]

When are you planning to tell everyone Mezzo?

It appears I have teenage boy syndrome. I've never been one to appreciate aesthetics or experience instant attraction, but my new counsellor at work is rather hot :D definitely blaming the testosterone...

Well, I was originally planning on coming out within the first week of classes, but with week 2 already wrapping up, I think my coming out plans have been postponed until I work up the nerve. :lol: My friend told me that testosterone must be one hell of a drug with how much of a difference it's already made, and he said that the changes are pretty obvious. I may eventually just abruptly bring it up, but that requires a touch more backbone than I currently have, so for now, there's just an inherent awkwardness to every social interaction I have amongst my fellow musicians. (Hell, my voice cracked twice within 30 seconds of conversation with my percussion professor earlier this morning.)

I could only imagine that testosterone would affect how you experience attraction, and I imagine that it's nice to have yet another sign that it's working! From what I've heard, the libido spike can get pretty intense in the first few months for a lot of people before it starts to level off (but at a higher level than before HRT), so I imagine that the attraction factor is pretty much right on schedule for you.

It's funny, some of the effects you're mentioning on here are the things that HRT just seemed to skip with me. My energy levels never really changed, and my libido/attraction is still as nonexistent as it always was. Still, the effects I am experiencing are exciting enough that it doesn't feel like much of a loss.

[dissolved]

I dragged my feet about telling people I work with... but once I got over that initial terror, it was fine. Out of 20+ people I've told, only one thought it was appropriate to ask if I was getting the surgery :lol: Now my supervisor chuckles every time my voice breaks while I'm talking to him :D

It seems that testosterone certainly affects everyone differently. While trawling reddit for ideas of what might happen in the first month, I got all sorts of weird answers. Restless leg syndrome, sleep pattern changes, mood changes (I'm so chilled out now it's extraordinary), appetite changes... millions.

Are you having any acne or skin changes yet? I've suddenly become greasy as hell -_-

[butterflydreams]

Man, being closeted 4+ months into transition is really awkward, to put it lightly. I choke when I even consider trying to say something to any of my colleagues or professors, so I feel like I have this giant elephant in the room more often than not.

Heh, I wish I could tell you "it gets better" but the truth is more like, "it gets a little less worse" and it just sort of happens over time. Still though, I think you'd be very surprised about how much people aren't noticing in many cases. Keep at it!

It appears I have teenage boy syndrome. I've never been one to appreciate aesthetics or experience instant attraction, but my new counsellor at work is rather hot :D definitely blaming the testosterone...

Can confirm from the other side as well. I can really tell it because I used to force myself to look at women and be like, "oh, she's attractive" despite not really feeling anything. Like if I jump started it by saying it, it would eventually happen for real. Still don't really have that kind of natural interest in women, but I notice myself doing weird things like appreciating guys' hair. Or seeing some dude running on the street and thinking, "nice". I feel kind of ashamed about it, in a blush-y way I guess? I dunno. It's weird to experience when you haven't before. I always hope I'm not making any faux pas.

It's funny, some of the effects you're mentioning on here are the things that HRT just seemed to skip with me. My energy levels never really changed, and my libido/attraction is still as nonexistent as it always was. Still, the effects I am experiencing are exciting enough that it doesn't feel like much of a loss.

Yeah, I suspect as always, YMMV. But I kind of like it that way. Because I can know I'm having my experience. HRT also took a long time to build up for me personally. That's not something I hear people talk about a lot.

[Evren]

I can no longer wear binders, because of physical symptoms that are either caused by mental problems or/and physical ones. I'm just so tired of all this stuff, and now of course I get to deal with increased dysphoria on my really bad days too, yay.

[Mezzo Forte]

I dragged my feet about telling people I work with... but once I got over that initial terror, it was fine. Out of 20+ people I've told, only one thought it was appropriate to ask if I was getting the surgery :lol: Now my supervisor chuckles every time my voice breaks while I'm talking to him :D

It seems that testosterone certainly affects everyone differently. While trawling reddit for ideas of what might happen in the first month, I got all sorts of weird answers. Restless leg syndrome, sleep pattern changes, mood changes (I'm so chilled out now it's extraordinary), appetite changes... millions.

Are you having any acne or skin changes yet? I've suddenly become greasy as hell -_-

Wow, your voice is breaking already? My cracking didn't start until ~3 months in, but I'm getting better about not cracking. Whether that's through the natural development of my voice or me actively trying to avoid speaking too high, I couldn't say. (The comments I've already gotten about my voice made me paranoid enough that I'd rather avoid letting it crack too much around people who don't know. Though I guess if I just said "fuck it" and let it crack left and right, maybe I'd corner myself into coming out :P) I'm glad that your work is so chill about it though!

I sometimes lurk Reddit the same way to see things I could possibly expect within my next milestones. (Same with YouTube too.) Hadley's definitely right about how YMMV when it comes to transition. Still, it's cool to hear about all the different experiences and to try and guess what to expect for the next milestone too.

The acne was definitely the first thing I noticed the morning after my first shot. My face hasn't been as greasy lately, but it got really oily early on. In fact, if I wiped my face with a paper towel midday, it usually became transparent from all the grease! :lol: I just had my shot today though, so we'll see if I break out badly overnight like a lot of the other times.

[Emery.]

I have to tell you I'm going slightly nuts before the new school year. I want to solve this whole gender problem. A month left. Culmination. Drums please ;) Resolution in October, and then end of story.

I feel... very conflicted in many ways. For sure, there is a conflict between my comfort and outside gender role expectations. I think I'm developing into a tomboy and back into a feminist. But in completely different manners than I was before. I used to be turned off by many feimnine things like doing nails, skirts or shaving, but didn't take on a standard of "masulinity" either ("Be a man!"). And now it's the opposite. I used to be fierce over feminism, just looking at it from my own perspective, now I'm more calm see it more broadly. I used to take it the conflicts in the form of "I hate this or that about me", now I feel some sense of... pride? And I'm more assertive about those things. No, passing and androgyny is not for me, at least not on purpose. "Feminine" pieces of clothing plain look good on me. And I like it provided that it preserves a certain simplicty to it (which "women's" often doesn't).

[ChillaKilla]

I've finally gotten used to the godforsaken seams on my binder

[Kelly]

Wow, your voice is breaking already? My cracking didn't start until ~3 months in, but I'm getting better about not cracking. Whether that's through the natural development of my voice or me actively trying to avoid speaking too high, I couldn't say. (The comments I've already gotten about my voice made me paranoid enough that I'd rather avoid letting it crack too much around people who don't know. Though I guess if I just said "fuck it" and let it crack left and right, maybe I'd corner myself into coming out :P) I'm glad that your work is so chill about it though!

I sometimes lurk Reddit the same way to see things I could possibly expect within my next milestones. (Same with YouTube too.) Hadley's definitely right about how YMMV when it comes to transition. Still, it's cool to hear about all the different experiences and to try and guess what to expect for the next milestone too.

The acne was definitely the first thing I noticed the morning after my first shot. My face hasn't been as greasy lately, but it got really oily early on. In fact, if I wiped my face with a paper towel midday, it usually became transparent from all the grease! :lol: I just had my shot today though, so we'll see if I break out badly overnight like a lot of the other times.

It is fascinating to read about your changes. It looks like things are going well? It is awesome that you are progressing in transition and I wish you the bestest.

[Mezzo Forte]

Drums please ;)

You know, if you say that three times in front of a mirror, I'll appear behind you, holding a different percussion instrument every time. :P

Still, I totally get the worry about classes starting back up. You're making shifts to your own expression and then suddenly getting reintroduced to all these people who might be noticing that something's up. It'd be nice to have everything figured out before the point when people might start asking, but they might not prod as much as you might think. Even if they did, you don't necessarily need to feel pressured to discuss your gender. I certainly don't mention my real reason for cutting my hair when people ask because I have a million other ways to justify it. I know that impatience trying to figure out the gender thing, and that's not necessarily bad, because it prompts you to think about the topic more critically in the present. But, there's no way of knowing how long-term of a process this can be. If you can figure out everything by October, all the power to you, but if you need longer, there's no shame in that either.

It is fascinating to read about your changes. It looks like things are going well? It is awesome that you are progressing in transition and I wish you the bestest.

Thanks Kelly, :) the transition is going well, though I wish the social side of things was much easier. So many people in my hometown know now thanks to my family, and I have such a good support base their, yet that seems to have no bearing on how much I'm struggling coming out where I am now. Still, I'm super happy about the physical changes so far and I'll be really relieved when I can finally have my professors/colleagues start calling me by my chosen name.

[Emery.]

Well, in the end, I'm going to a new uni this year, so I suppose that it would be fine in this aspect, I won't need to reintroduce myself, and everyone will imagine I always had short hair or whatever. I mean, with some people I really have to go through the "you've changed so much" drama, but it's few and far between, family and best, close friends, about 3 of them. I did go through "I don't recognise you, you look different" and basically everyone staring at me, because I suddenly morphed from Asami to Mello...

Asami (classy young lady)

Mello (can't really tell if girly boy or boyish girl)

Although... I'd say I did give off some signs earlier, like, so many people thought I was gay... Because I bascially didn't talk with women and was the only girl to play sports for fun with the guys, behaved level-headed, protective about my female friend, and wore a trouser suit when formal wear was required, a black trouser suit and a white plain blouse... It was quite funny. I could see people being baffled with my heels ("That dude is wearing heels! What?!") and then, confused, they looked up and up and up my body, eventually encountering my face ("Aha! Okey :)"). Or this confused face when I turned around. Not to mention that guys envied me clothing all the time :P

But new uni and still I'm bonkers. About presenting properly and not having to go through all the awkward situations again. And to hit the point for good now.

You're absolutely right Mezzo that there's no way to know how long it'll last. Taking it easy.

As for people, I don't think they understand or notice even a bit of all that, but they do respond to expression, probably completely unconsciously. It's all soooo strange...

I have my figers crossed for your coming out at your university :)

[butterflydreams]

I dragged my feet about telling people I work with... but once I got over that initial terror, it was fine. Out of 20+ people I've told, only one thought it was appropriate to ask if I was getting the surgery :lol: Now my supervisor chuckles every time my voice breaks while I'm talking to him :D

You know, I don't even consider that an inappropriate question. I've had one, maybe two people ask me, and my attitude is, "ok, you asked...this is going to be way worse for you than it will be for me."

I agree though that the overwhelming response has been very positive and encouraging. I realize that's largely because of where I am geographically as well as the industry I'm in. But you better believe I was subtly probing people for months before coming out, especially at work. So there were really no surprises. Honestly, if I had felt like it was going to be a problem, I would've quit.

I sometimes lurk Reddit the same way to see things I could possibly expect within my next milestones. (Same with YouTube too.) Hadley's definitely right about how YMMV when it comes to transition. Still, it's cool to hear about all the different experiences and to try and guess what to expect for the next milestone too.

Heh, yeah, good ol' Reddit. Some discussions are very positive. I have a "my 6 months on HRT" thread bookmarked because this girl's experience was so similar to mine, and it made me feel better. But there are other threads that just fill me with despair, especially regarding the prospect of finding a partner. The suggestion often being that being trans is a life-sentence for being alone, and it's your fault for transitioning. -_- So by and large, I feel I have to avoid it, because those kinds of threads will send me into a bad depressive spiral. That's something I'm working on learning how to avoid, but I can't avoid the reality. Based on my history, I had already felt unlovable and undesirable. I don't see any way in which being trans is going to help that situation.

[Dodecahedron314]

Just went thrift shopping for the first time since I've been out (well, not counting the awkward time where I went with my mom because I'm not out to her yet), and I have dudely clothes now! Button-down shirts and guy jeans and nice shoes and ties and everything! And it was so cheap too--everything except the shoes was $1, and the shoes were free :) Amusingly enough, this was all at a church resale shop as well, out of all the places I could have gone for my first out shopping excursion :D (This church is pretty chill though--I've never interacted with them because I'm not religious, but they have a pride flag and a Black Lives Matter banner on the outside, so I'd say that's a good sign.) One of my roommates who's also not exactly cis went along and helped me pick things out, so that was also good. And my "boss" (well, the professor I'm working for) won't be at work all next week, so I might even get up the courage to wear some of it to work...

[Gentle Giant]

Dodec, I'm glad you could find some cool guy clothes to buy and wear. And for cheap! Woo hoo!

[Mezzo Forte]

You're absolutely right Mezzo that there's no way to know how long it'll last. Taking it easy.

As for people, I don't think they understand or notice even a bit of all that, but they do respond to expression, probably completely unconsciously. It's all soooo strange...

I have my figers crossed for your coming out at your university :)

Thanks Emery, my brain won't stop fixating on trying to come out, so I know I need to do it sooner rather than later or my academics/music will really suffer. Hell, I'm trembling now trying to envision telling my percussion professor, and now my brain won't stop spinning and fixating on that. (I think I just lost an hour or three in the middle of typing this response just to that train of thought, and it's still stuck in my mind.) I think I have a way to broach the topic myself though, so there's no more waiting for an opportunity, only to chicken out as one arises. Maybe having AVEN as my witness will push me to do at least that much myself. By Wednesday afternoon, my professor will know about my transition.

I could imagine figuring out all your gender questions feels more pressing when you have first impressions on the line, but it probably makes sense to just keep questioning until you have your answer, and then figure out how to proceed from there. Otherwise, there's too many potential timelines to factor in. Still, I hope everything works out!

Heh, yeah, good ol' Reddit. Some discussions are very positive. I have a "my 6 months on HRT" thread bookmarked because this girl's experience was so similar to mine, and it made me feel better. But there are other threads that just fill me with despair, especially regarding the prospect of finding a partner. The suggestion often being that being trans is a life-sentence for being alone, and it's your fault for transitioning. -_- So by and large, I feel I have to avoid it, because those kinds of threads will send me into a bad depressive spiral. That's something I'm working on learning how to avoid, but I can't avoid the reality. Based on my history, I had already felt unlovable and undesirable. I don't see any way in which being trans is going to help that situation.

Reddit can be a real mixed bag sometimes. -.- I could only imagine how posts like that could exacerbate what insecurities are already there. You definitely have a strong enough sense of self-awareness to know that you're using a short-term solution to the bigger internal side of the scenario. I feel like people who naturally have more confident outlooks tend to not realizing how complicated reframing your way of thinking can be. (It's similar to my own struggles trying to understand my students' performance anxiety when my method to deal with that kinda thing is so alien to most people. I forget that many don't know how to rechannel their adrenaline. To them, it sounds like I'm saying "I get nervous, but then I remind myself not to be and it works out fine. Do that.") Your awareness of what you're dealing with helps, but improving your own esteem tends to be quite a long battle. I don't know if it helps, but while I get why being trans doesn't help with your situation, I can see transitioning being some help, because dysphoria tends to exacerbate negative emotions, so if nothing else, reducing dysphoria will at least leave more mental energy to fight these other issues with.

I wish there was something I could say to help, but I get that flattery won't undo everything that's made you feel the way you do. (I somewhat know what that's like because of my relationship with my music; people can tell me all damn day how much they like my playing, but it doesn't mean I'm happy with my skill level or feel competent enough to teach/perform/pretend I know anything about music. Still, even that is probably much more tangible than what you're tackling.) For me, sometimes having a goal to prove something makes a difference, be it proving others wrong, or proving myself wrong. That's simpler to apply to music than to topics so connected to romance though. I'm sure you've heard me flatter you often enough that I sound like a broken record, but you really are an amazing woman, and you deserve only the best in the world of romance. :)

Small aside:

I really wish I was a better person for advice for matters of romance. I remember feeling so powerless to help my best friend who was really hurting from the lack of a romantic connection in his life all these years, and god, I hope his new relationship lasts. Plus, two of my closest music friends recently broke up, and I really wish I could be a better source of support for the one who was more emotionally invested in that relationship.

I'm seeing so much relationship turmoil that the old voice that used to drive me to date people is speaking to me again about multiple people at once. I just want to erase that pain, and some part of my brain thinks the logical solution is to fill the space that needs to be filled yourself, but experience taught me that dating without mutual love tends to just make matters worse. It sucks too, because there's a part of me that wishes I was attracted to people so I could experience dating as a man, because even oblivious 13-year-old me could sense that I would have preferred to be a masculine figure within a relationship.

There's a part of me that likes to imagine myself as this suave gentleman wooing a nice person on a nice date, but it just feels like I'm either looking to pump up my ego or make someone else happy, because romantic love is just too foreign to me. Younger me used to romanticize romance and wanted nothing more than to fall in love, so I guess it's only fair that I get to retread that ground in puberty 2.0, only armed with the knowledge that the chances of me actually falling in love are pretty damn slim.

[butterflydreams]

I think I have a way to broach the topic myself though, so there's no more waiting for an opportunity, only to chicken out as one arises. Maybe having AVEN as my witness will push me to do at least that much myself. By Wednesday afternoon, my professor will know about my transition.

Yeah! Do it! The fine folks of AVEN have held my feet to the fire more than once. Good motivation ;)

Reddit can be a real mixed bag sometimes. -.- I could only imagine how posts like that could exacerbate what insecurities are already there. You definitely have a strong enough sense of self-awareness to know that you're using a short-term solution to the bigger internal side of the scenario. I feel like people who naturally have more confident outlooks tend to not realizing how complicated reframing your way of thinking can be. (It's similar to my own struggles trying to understand my students' performance anxiety when my method to deal with that kinda thing is so alien to most people. I forget that many don't know how to rechannel their adrenaline. To them, it sounds like I'm saying "I get nervous, but then I remind myself not to be and it works out fine. Do that.") Your awareness of what you're dealing with helps, but improving your own esteem tends to be quite a long battle. I don't know if it helps, but while I get why being trans doesn't help with your situation, I can see transitioning being some help, because dysphoria tends to exacerbate negative emotions, so if nothing else, reducing dysphoria will at least leave more mental energy to fight these other issues with.

I wish there was something I could say to help, but I get that flattery won't undo everything that's made you feel the way you do. (I somewhat know what that's like because of my relationship with my music; people can tell me all damn day how much they like my playing, but it doesn't mean I'm happy with my skill level or feel competent enough to teach/perform/pretend I know anything about music. Still, even that is probably much more tangible than what you're tackling.) For me, sometimes having a goal to prove something makes a difference, be it proving others wrong, or proving myself wrong. That's simpler to apply to music than to topics so connected to romance though. I'm sure you've heard me flatter you often enough that I sound like a broken record, but you really are an amazing woman, and you deserve only the best in the world of romance. :)

<3 thanks. I think if anything, reducing dysphoria has started to free me up to at least feel things naturally. I suppose that's a better starting place than feeling like I have to do stuff "because" and then becoming annoyed when it doesn't work. I'm absolutely my worst enemy when it comes to all this, and I've realized that pep talks from friends, and nice sentiments only work if I believe them, and right now, I largely don't. So that's what I should work on, the pep talks and things people tell me aren't the problem, I am. I can hear my therapist in my head asking me, "what would it take for you to believe it?" I'm always annoyed by that question, because I know exactly what she's poking at, and she's absolutely right. I'm setting an impossible standard for burden of proof.

Small aside:

I really wish I was a better person for advice for matters of romance. I remember feeling so powerless to help my best friend who was really hurting from the lack of a romantic connection in his life all these years, and god, I hope his new relationship lasts. Plus, two of my closest music friends recently broke up, and I really wish I could be a better source of support for the one who was more emotionally invested in that relationship.

I'm seeing so much relationship turmoil that the old voice that used to drive me to date people is speaking to me again about multiple people at once. I just want to erase that pain, and some part of my brain thinks the logical solution is to fill the space that needs to be filled yourself, but experience taught me that dating without mutual love tends to just make matters worse. It sucks too, because there's a part of me that wishes I was attracted to people so I could experience dating as a man, because even oblivious 13-year-old me could sense that I would have preferred to be a masculine figure within a relationship.

There's a part of me that likes to imagine myself as this suave gentleman wooing a nice person on a nice date, but it just feels like I'm either looking to pump up my ego or make someone else happy, because romantic love is just too foreign to me. Younger me used to romanticize romance and wanted nothing more than to fall in love, so I guess it's only fair that I get to retread that ground in puberty 2.0, only armed with the knowledge that the chances of me actually falling in love are pretty damn slim.

I think I accepted that I was largely helpless to help people like this in my life a long time ago. I just sort of threw up my hands and hoped for the best, because there really is so little you can do. God knows people have probably thrown up their hands about me many, many times. At least you feel like you have sort of foreknowledge this time. I bet that helps. Knowing what my experience was when I was 13-17, I can kind of reference it and tell myself, "are you feeling like that? No? Good!" Contrived vs Natural. As long as I'm on the natural side of that, things will be ok, unlike before. I had very, very minimal "dating" experiences before graduating from college. I sometimes wonder if people back then just smelled it all over me. Based on what people tell me now, I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought I was. Friend's dad talking to my friend about me, "Yeah, I always knew something wasn't quite right about your friend. He was the only one of your friends I actually liked."

I can't believe I'm going to say this. If he ever sees it, I'm sorry...

In a different life, my best friend and I probably would've been a couple. Hell, as it was, we practically were a couple. When he started dating his now wife in college, that was when it hit me: He was just like everybody else. I wasn't.

Dammit, now I'm crying.

[Mezzo Forte]

I think I have a way to broach the topic myself though, so there's no more waiting for an opportunity, only to chicken out as one arises. Maybe having AVEN as my witness will push me to do at least that much myself. By Wednesday afternoon, my professor will know about my transition.

Yeah! Do it! The fine folks of AVEN have held my feet to the fire more than once. Good motivation ;)

I'm resolved to do this! I'm terrified, but out of everyone, I want this professor to hear the words directly from me. No more running. No more evasion. No more paranoia to cloud my thoughts. Once he knows, maybe I can start figuring out how to handle the rest of my social transition. Maybe I can start focusing on everything else that's on the road ahead.

<3 thanks. I think if anything, reducing dysphoria has started to free me up to at least feel things naturally. I suppose that's a better starting place than feeling like I have to do stuff "because" and then becoming annoyed when it doesn't work. I'm absolutely my worst enemy when it comes to all this, and I've realized that pep talks from friends, and nice sentiments only work if I believe them, and right now, I largely don't. So that's what I should work on, the pep talks and things people tell me aren't the problem, I am. I can hear my therapist in my head asking me, "what would it take for you to believe it?" I'm always annoyed by that question, because I know exactly what she's poking at, and she's absolutely right. I'm setting an impossible standard for burden of proof.

I don't know if this helps, but in the early days of my playing, my professor used to ask me about everything that went well when I would play for him. That always caught me off guard because I was so focused on the bad stuff that I was ready to tear myself apart and explain in detail every little thing that went wrong. While being aware of the not-so-great stuff helps you improve, sometimes that fixation will blind you to all the good that's already there, and when you forget the good that's there, frustration takes its place. Sometimes, the impossible standard can invite growth, but only when you have some not-so-impossible stepping stones along the way (or the stubbornness to never stop). You're essentially asking yourself to change how think, to rewire, or at least ignore, negative impulses, and that's not easy, and progress is hardly ever linear. It's a process, but I know that you've got the wits and determination to keep growing :)

I think I accepted that I was largely helpless to help people like this in my life a long time ago. I just sort of threw up my hands and hoped for the best, because there really is so little you can do. God knows people have probably thrown up their hands about me many, many times. At least you feel like you have sort of foreknowledge this time. I bet that helps. Knowing what my experience was when I was 13-17, I can kind of reference it and tell myself, "are you feeling like that? No? Good!" Contrived vs Natural. As long as I'm on the natural side of that, things will be ok, unlike before. I had very, very minimal "dating" experiences before graduating from college. I sometimes wonder if people back then just smelled it all over me. Based on what people tell me now, I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought I was. Friend's dad talking to my friend about me, "Yeah, I always knew something wasn't quite right about your friend. He was the only one of your friends I actually liked."

I can't believe I'm going to say this. If he ever sees it, I'm sorry...

In a different life, my best friend and I probably would've been a couple. Hell, as it was, we practically were a couple. When he started dating his now wife in college, that was when it hit me: He was just like everybody else. I wasn't.

Dammit, now I'm crying.

*hugs* As someone with a history of coping via avoidance, I can at least say that sometimes acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward helping yourself. Sometimes, just letting it happens allows you to either explore the emotion more thoroughly or get it out of the way so you can think about the situation with better clarity. Let the crying be a catharsis :)

[Autumn Sunrise]

You're absolutely right Mezzo that there's no way to know how long it'll last. Taking it easy.

As for people, I don't think they understand or notice even a bit of all that, but they do respond to expression, probably completely unconsciously. It's all soooo strange...

I have my figers crossed for your coming out at your university :)

Thanks Emery, my brain won't stop fixating on trying to come out, so I know I need to do it sooner rather than later or my academics/music will really suffer. Hell, I'm trembling now trying to envision telling my percussion professor, and now my brain won't stop spinning and fixating on that. (I think I just lost an hour or three in the middle of typing this response just to that train of thought, and it's still stuck in my mind.) I think I have a way to broach the topic myself though, so there's no more waiting for an opportunity, only to chicken out as one arises. Maybe having AVEN as my witness will push me to do at least that much myself. By Wednesday afternoon, my professor will know about my transition.

Mezzo, I'm glad you've decided to tell your professor about your transition. It's very much the elephant in the room for you at the moment, and I feel you need to be able to get past it so it doesn't keep bugging you. I completely get that it feels very intimidating - if I try to imagine myself in such a situation I start to shake, just imagining it. I don't know if it's any help, but a thing I used to do when I was facing something really scary, was to try to focus on a time afterwards, and how good I'd be feeling. It worked or me (maybe I'm good at kidding myself :lol: but what the hey, if it works?)

Anyway, good luck - and for what it's worth, I think you're awesome!

[Gentle Giant]

Mezzo, good luck with talking to your professor. I hope it goes well. It will be a load off your mind to get it done and overwith.

[butterflydreams]

I worked up the courage to put myself out there on a Reddit channel about passing only to be not voted very well (not pretty enough I guess?), and totally ignored otherwise (story of my life). So, I'm pretty down about that. But you know what, screw them. I've got people here who care about me. And while I'm sure I'll find a way to excuse it so that it "doesn't really count", I passed while picking up food at a Thai restaurant last night. One woman handed another my order and goes, "here's this for her."

[dissolved]

Did you post to r/transpassing?

[butterflydreams]

Did you post to r/transpassing?

I did. Someone suggested it was a good place. And strangers have no stake in telling me how it is. But if it makes me feel worse, what's the point?

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I worked up the courage to put myself out there on a Reddit channel about passing only to be not voted very well (not pretty enough I guess?), and totally ignored otherwise (story of my life). So, I'm pretty down about that. But you know what, screw them. I've got people here who care about me. And while I'm sure I'll find a way to excuse it so that it "doesn't really count", I passed while picking up food at a Thai restaurant last night. One woman handed another my order and goes, "here's this for her."

FWIW, in engineering there is a saying: "Perfection is the enemy of good enough".

Twenty years ago, I passed and was even called pretty sometimes depending on how well the makeup and hair worked, but where did it get me? I'm still an outcast to most of the trans universe on the Internet because I can't do HRT. " A man in a dress" or a 'wannabe' when they wanted to be really hurtful. (Humming the Guess Who's old tune "No Time Left For You" to them in answerance.)

And there are always people on those groups who have confirmation bias of any M2F who doesn't declare that the are definitely having SRS within an arbitrary time frame.

We're all billion year old carbon......it's only the unique arrangement of our various matrices that make us special. Or "You're unique, just like everyone else."