Johnny199566 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 My boyfriend and I been together for 4 years. The first 9 months he was very very romantic and sexually active, but then the spark went away. We broke up a few times for his lack of romance.( But every time we broke up he wanted to get back together after a few months.) He wouldn’t say he love me or anything. He stopped buying flowers and stuff and surprising me and calling me every hour and call me sweet names.And it just gets worse. Last 2 months he refuses any touch or holding hands or texting and even sexual activities. In past 3 years he wasn’t romantic AT ALL (which we fight about it a lot!) but he loved to have sex except these last 2 months. He says there’s something wrong with him or makes excuses. He says he doesn’t enjoy anything, but I can feel how much he enjoys his hobbies. He says he can’t feel like he used to anymore , for example he doesn’t misses me when I’m not around and doesn’t understand how much I love him and how can I do it. Today I found out about “aromantics” and that it’s a kind of asexuality. I wonder if he became aromantic or is he just deppressed? He was the most romantic guy I ever see in my entire life and after only 9 months he treats me like a close friend and nothing more. If he is aromantic is there something we could do to work this relationship out? I’m a very very romantic person. Link to post Share on other sites
Copal_0 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Only he could identify what he is, but the two certainly can intersect and present in similar ways on the surface. Don't forget this is also the time period for seasonal depression. Having been in a similar situation I can tell you that communication between the two of you is really key. Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies. TheAP Questions about Asexuality co-mod Link to post Share on other sites
Treesarepretty Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 5 hours ago, Johnny199566 said: He says there’s something wrong with him or makes excuses. He says he doesn’t enjoy anything, but I can feel how much he enjoys his hobbies. He says he can’t feel like he used to anymore , for example he doesn’t misses me when I’m not around and doesn’t understand how much I love him and how can I do it. Today I found out about “aromantics” and that it’s a kind of asexuality. I wonder if he became aromantic or is he just deppressed? He was the most romantic guy I ever see in my entire life and after only 9 months he treats me like a close friend and nothing more. If he is aromantic is there something we could do to work this relationship out? I’m a very very romantic person. What does he say about it? My wife was pissed when I brought up asexuality. When he said "something" is wrong, did he elaborate? Something medical? Did he lose a family member recently? Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny199566 Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 3 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said: What does he say about it? My wife was pissed when I brought up asexuality. When he said "something" is wrong, did he elaborate? Something medical? Did he lose a family member recently? No, he didn’t lose family member , or had any kind of traumatic experience , and doesn’t have any serious medical condition that we’re aware of. It’s like his romantic side slowly faded over time. He only said he cannot feel love towards me like I have for him , and he doesn’t enjoy anything in his life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Likely to be a gradual loss of interest and for some reason, likes to continue a relationship, even though the interest is gone and not totally accepting it. It maybe no real reason but a normal loss of interest over time. 6 months is around normal romantic interest falters if or when there's no desire left to commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny199566 Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 5 hours ago, Copal_0 said: Only he could identify what he is, but the two certainly can intersect and present in similar ways on the surface. Don't forget this is also the time period for seasonal depression. Having been in a similar situation I can feel you that communication between the two of you is really key. I think he’s lost and doesn’t know either Link to post Share on other sites
Always looking for answers Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Is he willing to go to a psychologist to find out if he's depressed? Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny199566 Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 18 hours ago, Janus DarkFox said: Likely to be a gradual loss of interest and for some reason, likes to continue a relationship, even though the interest is gone and not totally accepting it. It maybe no real reason but a normal loss of interest over time. 6 months is around normal romantic interest falters if or when there's no desire left to commit. That’s possible and I considered this too, but he’s been sending a lot of mixed signals. When I want to break up he keep saying that he’s trying to express some feelings , and tells me he wants to be with me. I’m confused and don’t know how to make it right or react. @Janus DarkFox Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny199566 Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 2 minutes ago, Always looking for answers said: Is he willing to go to a psychologist to find out if he's depressed? He says his problem is something that he has to deal with on his own. When I really insist, he says it’s really expensive and he doesn’t want to spend all his money on this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Always looking for answers Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 3 minutes ago, Johnny199566 said: He says his problem is something that he has to deal with on his own. When I really insist, he says it’s really expensive and he doesn’t want to spend all his money on this matter. Well, I suppose in that case all you can do is decide whether or not you can go on like this. If he can't tell you what his problem is, doesn't want to seek help and you are being influenced by this, you might want to consider a short break from each other to both find out what it is you need. Tell him you don't want it to be a definitive break up (unless you want it to be of course), but that you need some space to catch a breath because his mood is having an impact on your own mental well being. Remember it's okay to take care of yourself Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Hello Johnny199566, welcome to the AVEN forums! Has anyone offered you cake yet? Have some... On 12/15/2017 at 3:15 PM, Johnny199566 said: But every time we broke up he wanted to get back together after a few months. Sounds like you have been a very convenient... On 12/15/2017 at 3:15 PM, Johnny199566 said: In past 3 years he wasn’t romantic AT ALL (which we fight about it a lot!) but he loved to have sex ...source of sex... 16 hours ago, Johnny199566 said: He says his problem is something that he has to deal with on his own. ...to someone who's not really trying to work on his issues. Even someone who is aromantic will show some platonic concern for and interest in their partner. You're being used. Maybe something has changed in the last two months, and maybe it is the season for depression. But you have been used for three years by a partner who doesn't really care about you. That's my impression from what you shared in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny199566 Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 1 hour ago, roland.o said: Hello Johnny199566, welcome to the AVEN forums! Has anyone offered you cake yet? Have some... Sounds like you have been a very convenient... ...source of sex... ...to someone who's not really trying to work on his issues. Even someone who is aromantic will show some platonic concern for and interest in their partner. You're being used. Maybe something has changed in the last two months, and maybe it is the season for depression. But you have been used for three years by a partner who doesn't really care about you. That's my impression from what you shared in this thread. Maybe that’s true. There’s just a lot of mixed signals! When I’m upset he really tries to cheer me up in his very NONROMANTIC and (only) friendly way and tells me jokes and tickles me, throw me chips to make me laugh. Is there the possibility that people became aromantic over time or they are aromantic from the beginning? @roland.o Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 He sounds like a perfectly normal, nice, sexual person who's possibly a bit depressed and has fallen out of love with you, to be blunt. Not everything is related to some exotic label. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 14 hours ago, Johnny199566 said: Is there the possibility that people became aromantic over time That is very unlikely. Being aromantic means not feeling romantic attraction, ever. Being romantic and then losing that ability? Possible, but... It's much more likely to fall out of love. Happens every day. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 My wife seems to forget all those small things, which I romantically enjoy, like a kiss, an embrace, a touch while passing eachother in the hallway, an ‘I love you’. . Once it was there. Now it has faded away. I hate having to remind her, but in fact I fear that it works a bit like maintenance. Dont overdo it, but it is a way to say: “I have seen you and I appreciate that you are here. I still want us to be us. “ Remembering to do it, is a way to remember that. I think it is okay to ask for him to take up that habit again. If there is a reason, like not loving you anymore or otherwise being depressed, then you should be allowed acces to that information, so that you can cope/deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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