I like flirting and sexual tension but not so much sex itself

[GLRDT]

So basically it's the title. I have fun flirting and think sexual energy (have only had it like three times ever) is exciting and fun, but I'm pretty indifferent to actual sex and would prefer to just flirt and have sexual energy/anticipation? Which I mean is inconvenient because sexual energy often leads to...sex. So I have learned to try not to flirt too much or at all because well one I have a boyfriend and also I know flirting leads to other things I'm not as fond of. Does anyone else have these same feelings? Oh also I identify as sex neutral gray asexual. Don't know if that makes a difference to anyone.

[Lord Pocky]

Just a quick question; what is sex energy? I've heard of sexual tension, but not sex energy. Can you explain please? I love knowledge!

[Philip027]

"Sex" can be a whole bunch of different things.  Is it possible you just haven't come across something enjoyable yet?

 

Because I'll admit, I don't quite understand enjoying the leadup to something, being underwhelmed by the result... but then apparently still enjoying the leadup to it afterward XD

[everywhere and nowhere]

18 minutes ago, Cup-of-cake said:

Just a quick question; what is sex energy? I've heard of sexual tension, but not sex energy. Can you explain please? I love knowledge!

I feel like I get what she means - things like this tension, anticipation, mood? However, I must note that this phrase ("sexual energy") is used in a very different meaning among New Agers. And while I generally agree with them on lots of issues, I'm kinda biased against this phrase because of my experience of it being used as an invalidation tool. I was saying things like that I'm willing to accept sexual energy as such, I don't reject it, I'm not saying that sex can never be a spiritual experience, I'm just very much unwilling to ever personally have sex. I didn't lie at all, it very much agrees with my general outlook on the boundlessness of possible experience. But I could say that saying it was a bit trying to accomodate, to meet "sex positive New Agers" (and I'm just not sex-positive, I believe that sex is never "good as such", sex as such is morally neutral) halfway. And yet all my effort was rejected, it was treated like I had no right to say such things as a person who rejects the possibility of ever having genital sex.

Nevermind. I just know I have nothing to seek among enthusiastic sex-positivists.

[GLRDT]

Oopsies. Yes sexual tension are the words I was looking for. Yes it's strange to me too. Maybe I'm not using the right words to explain it. Maybe the tension is kind of exciting/flattering but I don't want it to go further than that.  It makes no sense to me either. Ha ha.

[Brownace]

1 hour ago, GLRDT said:

Oopsies. Yes sexual tension are the words I was looking for. Yes it's strange to me too. Maybe I'm not using the right words to explain it. Maybe the tension is kind of exciting/flattering but I don't want it to go further than that.  It makes no sense to me either. Ha ha.

I think it makes sense.  I feel I am like you, in a way. I like the flirting thing and intense sensual attraction, but I never expect either of them to lead to sex. At least, I have never expected them to lead to sex. I identify as demisexual, so in the future that might change. But, yeah, I get you.  

[MadeIndescribable]

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

"Sex" can be a whole bunch of different things.

I'll second this. I've found that on occasion I have enjoyed other ways of being sexual (ie, naked and physical) but without going all the way. At what point do you find that you become indifferent or aren't fond of what you're doing?

[Homer]

Would you say that this is like "hunting is better than catching"? *tries to wrap head around concept*

[GLRDT]

4 hours ago, MadeIndescribable said:

I'll second this. I've found that on occasion I have enjoyed other ways of being sexual (ie, naked and physical) but without going all the way. At what point do you find that you become indifferent or aren't fond of what you're doing?

Well actual sex seems like a lot of effort and it can feel nice and can be fun at times and it's nice to help fulfill a need for my boyfriend, but sometimes it hurts, lasts too long, feels too much with too many sensations, or doesn't feel like anything. Its like a workout. Ha ha. It doesn't suck but I would definitely rather be doing other things I enjoy way more. And not having the desire for it can mean it takes a while for me to get into the mood so that I can even get my body in a place to have sex. Sometimes I'm not able to get in the mood, but it's very hard for me to initiate because well I have a low libido and no desire for it. But what is fun is connecting with someone with clever banter or feeling a sexual tension between someone. It's a fun different kind of energy and I like that. I guess I'm big on energy. I like connecting with people in as many ways as possible except I'm indifferent to sex. It would be awesome if I could experience lust and passion, but so far I just don't. Except for one time. And I have no idea what caused that. This is why I'm gray folks. Name of my next book, ha ha.

 

4 hours ago, Homer said:

Would you say that this is like "hunting is better than catching"? *tries to wrap head around concept*

Hmm. Well I don't relate to hunting and probably wouldn't enjoy the hunting part or the catching and killing part, but if I try to put myself in that mindset for this conversation, then yes? You're right. But the thing is, I have learned to often hold this "hunting" part of myself back so I'm not leading people on or getting into trouble. I wish everyone could just endlessly flirt with each other for fun and friendliness without expectations of sex.

[autumnrose]

I don't know how to quote someone yet but, GLRDT, your last message is exactly how I feel - every word! I really enjoy flirting and the sexual tension (and yes, I would describe it as sexual energy) and the excitement of something developing out of all of this. But sex is always disappointing - It can have short moments of feeling real good (usually right in the beginning) but it just fizzles out. The longer I've been with my partner (as in days/months/years) the more sex is like a chore. I just don't understand how people can be so into it. I find it boring... But, the flirting with a new potential partner is exciting. If sex achieved that same level, I would want it all the time. I guess that's how all of my partners have always felt like. When they complained that we weren't even having sex once a week, I thought they were insane. There are so many things I'd rather do.

 

I get a little confused by my enjoyment of flirting vs sexual attraction. I like flirting and I thought it was sexual attraction, but it's not like I'm  thinking, "OMG, I want to have sex with this person." I'm just caught up in the energy and the connection. I'm not sure my brain or body really knows what it wants beyond that. Probably more a romantic connection. I've always just gone along with the next steps of sex because that's what I was brainwashed to do. Now that I've learned more about asexuality and myself, I won't be making those mistakes again. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

In Poland there's a saying that "it's not about catching the bunny, but about chasing it". Very often used in sexual contexts, but also for example in politics - about someone who keeps talking about some "plot", but provides no proof because then they would have no more topic...

[GLRDT]

49 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

In Poland there's a saying that "it's not about catching the bunny, but about chasing it". Very often used in sexual contexts, but also for example in politics - about someone who keeps talking about some "plot", but provides no proof because then they would have no more topic...

Ha ha yes. Then in this case I don't want to have a lot of research and topic. I don't want proof. I just want to keep talking about the plot! But then people feel led on....sigh.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

On 11.11.2017 at 1:45 AM, GLRDT said:

So basically it's the title. I have fun flirting and think sexual energy (have only had it like three times ever) is exciting and fun, but I'm pretty indifferent to actual sex and would prefer to just flirt and have sexual energy/anticipation? Which I mean is inconvenient because sexual energy often leads to...sex. So I have learned to try not to flirt too much or at all because well one I have a boyfriend and also I know flirting leads to other things I'm not as fond of. Does anyone else have these same feelings? Oh also I identify as sex neutral gray asexual. Don't know if that makes a difference to anyone.

I'm pretty much the same but never had any serious issues till now because I'm single but I would be more careful when being in a monogamous relationship. I don't want to hurt my partner and there's no reason to flirt or look at other people when being with my other half at all anyway.

[banoffeepie]

No one (unless I missed it) seems to have mentioned that some people who flirt are just after a reaction, and it's flattery they feel when they get a positive reaction from someone that's appealing.

So that's why continuing with the relationship (sex) is unappealing.

 

Much like the reward mechanism being triggered in the brain when people get 'likes' on social media. The buzz is to go looking for the next one.

[Bean9]

I can totally relate.