Trans, Ace, Internalized Homophobia?

[pineeapple]

Okay I've never posted on one of these before but here it goes.

 

I'm a 20 year old nb trans guy. I've comfortably identified as both bi and ace for a couple years now but I've started to really question these identities. Maybe I've been spending too long reading through the TERF and ace discourse sides of tumblr but the main consensus of a lot of these people is that asexuality is caused by internalized homophobia. This added with my already existing shame around being trans (and feeling like I'm a boy because I hate women) is causing my to wonder if I'm really asexual.

 

Before realizing I was trans I identified as a lesbian because I didn't know about any other identities. I knew I wasn't interested in having sex with boys so I assumed I must only like girls. This was also brought on by me assuming that a "girl that wanted to be a boy" had to be gay. I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with any gender and identified as aromantic/bisexual for a while. I then began understanding that my disinterest in romantic relationships was tied to me not wanting to engage in sexual activities not a lack of romantic drive/attraction.

 

Since then I've had romantic feelings for men and women though I still feel like I don't experience sexual attraction. When I talk with my friends and realize how much sex plays into their lives and how often they find people "hot" I just can't relate. There's no one I've ever wanted to have sex with, even with romantic feelings present and I find that I get extremely anxious about entering romantic relationships because I am thinking about how eventually, I'll be expected to have sex. 

 

I recognize that I have a lot of self worth issues/dysphoria/lack of experience with sex in general, but I'm very proud and very open about being bisexual/trans and I can't understand how I could be experiencing homophobia yet here we are. 

 

Am I actually asexual or am I just suffering from the internalized hate everyone is telling me I am. I've already been down this route with my trans identity and now I'm back to square one feeling like I'm just a self hating/woman hating lesbian who's made up all these identities for myself because I can't accept it. 

 

Any comments would be nice, thanks friends!

[CosineTheCat]

33 minutes ago, pineeapple said:

TERF and ace discourse sides of tumblr but the main consensus of a lot of these people is that asexuality is caused by internalized homophobia.

First things first: Tumblr is the worst for this. I highly suggest staying away from those areas because these are people that are viewing things as black and white, wrong and right, and as a binary concept as much as they state that they are not. They are. Also, a point from someone who is used to seeing the ace discourse, stick to your guns on what you believe. People can have different versions of what asexuality is. Personally, my version tends to fall under a very scientific version because I study psychology, therefore, I follow a scientific method when looking at asexuality. 

It honestly sounds like you've seen the worst side of tumblr before you were ready for it. That side that discusses the ins-and-outs to internal homophobia and their hatred of asexuality is an area someone with a confident understanding of who they are should be. I'm not saying it's a bad thing you found it, but it shows you what we as an asexual community are trying to fight. There are a lot of misunderstandings and concepts that people simply don't understand due to various reasons.

 

It truly is up to you to decide if you're asexual or not. Listening to reasons why asexuality does not exist is just as bad as listening just to asexuals that get angry at people that misunderstand and assume asexuality is something else. You must consume a balance of information or you might become one of the people that are left in the binary of beliefs. I hope that this has helped you in some way. It's not an easy subject and I'm sorry that this has left you in such a difficult position to be in.  

[Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet]

@pineeapple hi! Welcome to Aven.

First off: Stay away from Tumblr. Or at least take a break from it.

Asexuality isn't caused by internalized homophobia.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201609/asexuality-is-sexual-orientation-not-sexual-dysfunction

 

I think it is very possible that you may be asexual.  The very fact you stated you  don't experience sexual attraction sends red flags to me that you're possibly ace.

I mean this in the nicest way possible: I suggest you find professional help for your dysphoria if you haven't already.  Dysphoria is very serious and I don't want you to suffer with this anymore. 

I really don't have any good advice beyond this, I'm sorry. But perhaps someone else here may have better advice.

Asexual or not, you're welcomed here! *Hugs*

[celestialwhims]

People have already said this, but let me just reinforce it: Please, please, please, stay away from Tumblr.

 

The discourse there can be so intense that even I, somebody who has been an out and proud asexual since fourteen, questioned myself briefly. It's war over there, and it's not healthy, especially for somebody already in a poor mental state (not insulting you, just referencing the fact that transitioning and discovering yourself is a strenuous, emotional process). Obviously, this is personal for everybody on AVEN, as we've probably all seen those people on Tumblr invalidating our existence and using internalized homophobia as an excuse. I've once even seen somebody say that it's wrong to be asexual because it's discouraging gay and lesbian men and women from embracing their sexuality/romantic orientation. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. This is no better. From what I've read and what I can tell from you here, I highly doubt that you're asexual because of internalized homophobia. If you don't feel sexual attraction towards people of any gender, you're asexual. That's the basic definition of it. It's not that difficult or complicated, but those Tumblr cretins love to rip it apart and make it something it's not.

 

I'm so proud of you for being confident in your romantic and gender identity! There's no reason why you shouldn't be. You've discovered who you are, and that makes you happy. There's nothing more to it. Of course, your experiences with dysphoria are all your own, and as a cis-female, I don't feel like I can give the best advice as to how you can get through that. I do agree with @Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet, though, about therapy. Dysphoria is already damaging enough, but if you are struggling with depression, self-confidence, etc., please seek out professional guidance. Don't bottle up your feelings, it will only make you suffer more. There are ace-friendly therapists, so perhaps that is something you can look into to both get through your dysphoric feelings and learn to accept your asexuality. And remember, as everything else, sexuality is fluid. There isn't a set of rules that makes somebody asexual. There's a whole spectrum, and you could fall anywhere on it. Don't think that you have to conform to what the stereotypical image of an asexual is, because there are so many variations of asexuality, and no one person has it right or wrong. You're perfect as you are, and I hope that you will experience less nasty discourse and someday accept yourself fully, happily, and proudly. Good luck! xx 

[utca]

Tumblr can be interesting, but it's also a cesspool with regards to SJ topics. There are certainly rational people on there, but a frightening number are unhinged, and completely unable to see a single shade of gray or consider other viewpoints than theirs. Just because they've written a vehement post that they're confident about doesn't mean they have all the answers they think they do. They can be as close-minded and prejudiced as anyone else, even if they have enlightened opinions about other, similar topics. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you should feel. Trust what you feel.