SadTiger Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 I'm 28 years old, have been married almost two years to the most wonderful man in the world, and I'm still a virgin. I hate myself for this. I don't want to have sex...or more like, I WANT to want to have sex. We've been to sex therapy for 6 months and of course my regular gyno to see if anything was wrong with me, but nothing (even though I told the gyno it hurts like hell but he just said I needed to relax). But I have literally never felt "excited". I don't get turned on, but I don't think I'm asexual because I find my husband (and men in general) to be very sexy! It's just when it comes to the genital area I'm thrown into this panic I can't describe. I was never molested or abused, I didn't grow up in a religious household that made me ashamed of my sexuality. I don't masturbate because it's boring, awkward, and once again, I just can't get excited. My husband is most definitely NOT asexual, but he's never tried to force or guilt me into having sex. But I feel guilty anyway because I want to do it. I just...can't. I thought I would be over this at this point, but it just seems to be getting worse. When I talked to my friend she suggested perhaps I just have a very low libido (seeing as I do find my husband sexy, she wasn't sure that qualified as asexual), and of course there's only 1 impossible to get a hold of prescription drug on the market for women to enhance sexual desire (I'm going to try anyway though). I know I sound like a horrible person, and I'm sorry. I absolutely support asexuals and everyone's right to be who they are. But I don't want that for ME. I don't understand ace jokes or ace culture. I feel like I don't fit in at all. I WANT to have sex with my husband, but I can't. What is wrong with me? Please, I've been on the search for this answer for way too long, I can't take feeling this alone and broken anymore. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SithAzathoth WinterDragon Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 There are indiduals who have no desire for sex, now I'm not saying you're asexual since I can not say that you are. I've never been sexual and I've never masturbated, I have no desire and never experienced the desire to try sex. I'm in my late twenties as well. I do not know if this helped much in what you are wanting to know. Good luck... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
200 Ponies Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Hi there SadTiger! Welcome to the forums! First of all, you don't sound like a horrible person at all; you just seem confused, and there's no harm in that! To me, though, it sounds like you might be on the asexual spectrum. Have you heard of demisexuality or gray-sexuality? They're sort of in between allosexual (what most people are) and asexual. Here are some resources that you might find useful to look through: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A I'll add that wanting to want to have sex doesn't necessarily make you allosexual. I used to be convinced that I was gay because I find girls sexy -- but only aesthetically (meaning I think they're beautiful and maybe want to kiss them but I don't want to bump genitals). It took me a while to learn the difference between what most people mean by sexy and what I meant by it. I even tried to have sex with an ex-girlfriend of mine but I just couldn't do it. The thought of sex was really appealing to me, but once it was happening I found myself completely averse to it. Does that sound like you at all, or am I off base? If you can't seem to experience sexual attraction to anyone, you might be asexual or on the asexual spectrum. There are many asexuals who want sex to please their partners or to be more intimate with them, without actually wanting to have sex. In that case, you may have to focus more on overcoming your aversion to sex rather than your sexual attraction levels, if you find yourself wanting to be intimate with your husband. Of course, only you can really decide where you are on the asexuality spectrum or if you are part of it at all. I hope this answer helped you a little bit, and if you have any more questions just ask! Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 Hi SadTiger, First of all you are not a horrible person and please don't put yourself down or feel like it's "your fault" because you don't desire sex. Since you said you don't identify as asexual, have you looked into hypoactive sexual desire disorder? This is different from asexuality because a key marker of it is that it causes significant distress in one's life. Of course, I'm no clinician so you shouldn't just take my word, but it is something that you can see an expert about. Please know that regardless of all of this there is absolutely nothing wrong or broken about you. We're all different; this is what makes us human. You sound like you have a fantastic husband so I'm sure he'll understand and support you no matter what you're going through. I hope things look up for you soon and you can find peace with yourself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SadTiger Posted September 7, 2017 Author Share Posted September 7, 2017 22 hours ago, 200 Ponies said: I'll add that wanting to want to have sex doesn't necessarily make you allosexual. I used to be convinced that I was gay because I find girls sexy -- but only aesthetically (meaning I think they're beautiful and maybe want to kiss them but I don't want to bump genitals). It took me a while to learn the difference between what most people mean by sexy and what I meant by it. I even tried to have sex with an ex-girlfriend of mine but I just couldn't do it. The thought of sex was really appealing to me, but once it was happening I found myself completely averse to it. Does that sound like you at all, or am I off base? The bolded is actually really what I think I'm feeling. I find my husband extremely attractive, and I like to kiss and be touched and cuddled...but it's the actual genital part. That's where it's like I have this huge road block in my brain. Like the idea of it sounds great, but getting down to it I freeze up and am like a deer caught in the headlights. I'm going to look at the links you offered, and thank you for helping me not feel like a complete freak. @Nai THANK YOU for mentioning that! I've been researching HSDD all day and I really feel like it's opened something up for me. From what I've read a lot of asexuals don't like this term and maybe that's why I haven't found out about it before. I'm so glad I finally decided to make an account here, I was really afraid to, but now I wish I had sooner. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 I can see the issues with HSDD in the sense that asexuals do not want this label forced on them, as a significant portion of people (on this site and those who proudly identify as asexual) do not want their sexual orientation to be called a disorder. This is completely understandable and should be respected. However, there are those like yourself who may not identify as asexual, and may want to desire sex the same way as someone not on the asexual spectrum, and have a "normal" sex drive. In cases such as these I believe that the HSDD diagnosis is useful in order to get prescribed treatments that can help you attain this. Ultimately the goal is to have a happy life, so you should do what you feel is right and best for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted September 7, 2017 Share Posted September 7, 2017 Whilst I understand all the above points I looked up HSDD and kinda thought how do I know whether I have HSDD or asexuality. They are basically the same! (in my opinion anyhow) I'm just thinking, that if I had found HSDD first my life may be very different. The distress thing is difficult, I think if I had a person that I wanted to have such feelings for (eg. someone i was in a relationship with) it may cause me distress and from the posts here I think a lot of situations arising from mixed relationships do cause distress but why would it cause you distress if you were not in a relationship or feel like something is missing from your life. Before I found AVEN I didnt realise asexuality was a thing,(and so rare) I just thought quite a few people felt like I did (like half the population) or that I just hadnt met the right person yet. (that's what I thought most of the time) Since finding AVEN and realising romanticism is seperate from sexuality and I could be demiromantic I now feel I would like to feel sexual feelings in some way to be able to share that part of a relationship with someone I have romantic feelings for and have a normal relationship with someone. (I didnt want a relationship that much before AVEN, now I know I about romance seperate from sexuality I really do). So which category do I fall into, just wondering if I should go to the doctor about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The_Reluctant_Dragon Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 But, do you feel sexual attraction? If you don't, you're asexual, and, if you do, you aren't. You can be straight or gay or whatever and no want sex, just like how asexuals can want and like sex. It is all about the attraction. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SadTiger Posted September 10, 2017 Author Share Posted September 10, 2017 11 hours ago, The_Reluctant_Dragon said: But, do you feel sexual attraction? If you don't, you're asexual, and, if you do, you aren't. You can be straight or gay or whatever and no want sex, just like how asexuals can want and like sex. It is all about the attraction. This is where I am confused. I think I experience sexual attraction because I think my husband is very sexy. But then... I don't want sex. It freaks me out, makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I've heard the term sex-repulsed which I think hits the nail on the head, but I've only ever heard it applied to asexuals. I'm understanding that asexual people can have no sexual attraction and still want sex, but I have yet to find a term for people who do have attraction but don't desire sex (other than freak). From what I've discovered, aside from myself, they're either all hiding or just don't exist. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scarlett45 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 @SadTiger hi, I'm sorry this is causing you distress. You aren't broken and you aren't alone- I'm sure your husband loves you a lot. I have a few questions- when you say "sex" I assume you mean penis-vaginal intercourse (PiV)? Have you and you husband engage in any other sexual activities together? If so are you cool with that but PiV repulses you? Have you attempted PiV and it's too painful? You don't masturbate but are you okay with manual stimulation from your husband? The biggest sexual organ for humans is the brain. When you say you don't "get excited" do you mean mentally or you don't have a physical response to stimulus? Sorry for all the questions, I just wanted to get a clearer understanding to better offer suggestions. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The_Reluctant_Dragon Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 39 minutes ago, SadTiger said: This is where I am confused. I think I experience sexual attraction because I think my husband is very sexy. But then... I don't want sex. It freaks me out, makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I've heard the term sex-repulsed which I think hits the nail on the head, but I've only ever heard it applied to asexuals. I'm understanding that asexual people can have no sexual attraction and still want sex, but I have yet to find a term for people who do have attraction but don't desire sex (other than freak). From what I've discovered, aside from myself, they're either all hiding or just don't exist. Well, you can be quirosexual/WTFsexual which is where you don't know which attraction your feeling. Hope I'm helping. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stheg Posted September 12, 2017 Share Posted September 12, 2017 When my husband and I got married, we had a huge amount of trouble getting piv sex to work. And the more we tried to make it work, the worse it got. It was a self defeating cycle. Two separate doctors recommended taking it slow and trying not to get frustrated if things weren't working. They also recommended lots of lubricant and one recommended dilators (which were super helpful). I also had to have some corrective surgery to remove my hymen. I will say having understanding doctors was huge. If you feel dismissed or ignored by your doctor, please find another one that values your input and really wants to help. I am asexual and the lack of sexual desire definitely made it difficult, but the self defeating cycle was what made the issue really bad. Plus, the amount of pressure I felt made me not even want to try to have sex because I felt like I knew having sex wasn't going to work, which turned us into a self fulfilling prophecy for a bit. If you're open to it, we found doing other sexual stuff without the pressure to make piv work very helpful. It took some of the pressure off while still connecting sexually. Once we we got things sort of working, my willingness to have sex went up significantly because it didn't make me bleed afterwards, cause me excruciating pain, or make me feel sore and awful for days afterwards. I'm still asexual, but I can now have sex without hating it or dreading it because it's something my sexual husband enjoys and gets a lot out of and it no longer hurts me. I actually enjoy the fact that he enjoys it. You're not a terrible person and even if you are asexual, it doesn't mean that sex is never going to work for you or that sex will always be terrible and awful. It also doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. You can still have a healthy relationship even if you are asexual and your husband is not. Having sex and being asexual are not mutually exclusive. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 On 10/09/2017 at 5:26 AM, SadTiger said: This is where I am confused. I think I experience sexual attraction because I think my husband is very sexy. But then... I don't want sex. It freaks me out, makes me nervous and uncomfortable and I've heard the term sex-repulsed which I think hits the nail on the head, but I've only ever heard it applied to asexuals. I'm understanding that asexual people can have no sexual attraction and still want sex, but I have yet to find a term for people who do have attraction but don't desire sex (other than freak). From what I've discovered, aside from myself, they're either all hiding or just don't exist. This confuses me too. There is some debate about the definition of sexual attraction, and it is up to you which one you use and how you identify. Aven defines sexual attraction as desire for partnered sex so if using that if one desires sex with another person said person is experiencing attraction and as such the converse is the case. I have never seen the other definitions so I am wondering if you can point me in the direction of the one you use? for my education? Edit - sorry, I have just realised I may have misunderstood your term "want" I suppose want may not equal desire (but in my brain it does) it depends the reason behind the want. If this is the case, I apologise. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I am not a doctor and I cannot diagnose people. If you suspect you have this condition, Vaginismus, it is treatable and so it would be best to enquire via a medically qualified doctor https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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