I'm repulsed by the idea of a relationship

[ronnie_rabbit5555]

I never used to be this way. In fact, 5 years ago I LOVED the idea of a romantic relationship (even though I've always been a demiromantic) right up until last year when I started speaking to this guy in November 2016. Bare in mind relationships never worked out for me but I still always wanted to be with someone, but the last guy I was with made me view relationships conpletely different. I was always the clingy one in relationships & it wasn't until I met this guy when he was super clingy as hell I realized how clingy I used to be. Anyway, being with him was like having a relationship with a teenage boy in a fully grown mans body & a puppy, only he talks, he's human & wasn't cute looking😂 (I still prefer puppies to humans anyday)

I wasn't allowed ANY time for myself, or my friends. He was always a bit arsy with me going to see my dad at times but he knew if he let me know he didn't like it that i would of ended he relationship sooner. The only time he was okay for me to not speak to him was if I was in work, making myself dinner or I was going to go to sleep, but otherwise I had to always be on the phone to him (not text him, but PHONE him) or otherwise "I'm going off him" or "I don't wanna talk to him" when I don't always want to talk on the phone, I prefer texting as I need my solitude. Him being an extrovert it was extremely difficult for him to understand that I need solitude sometimes because I have to deal with people at work, then deal with him on the phone it all got too much to a point where my depression started coming back. Plus I'm pretty sure he was a right sex addict & me being ace it really wasn't gonna work out.

I became so unhappy that I had to break it to him & leave him. He didn't like it but I had to break his heart in order to lift a massive amount of weight off my shoulders. So I know I did the right thing.

 

I could go on but the point I'm actually trying to make is that he's the reason why I will avoid anything that turns to more than friendship. Even if it's just that I get the vibe that someone likes me then asks me to go to the cinema with them or something, I very quickly block them from my life & don't speak to them. Even if i tell them that i just wanna stay friends they'll always find a way for me to like them back & it annoys me so much. I know it's not the right way to deal with it but I'm sick of things going wrong for me then when I get close to guys I'm the one in the mess when I'm just better off alone

I generally get on with guys more than girls but guys always want something more & it's always passes the platonic stages & I'm really not into that anymore like I used to be.

I just feel like a cold hearted narcissist & that's not who I am :'(