Mezzo Forte Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 48 minutes ago, SkyWorld said: Oh geez... tomorrow is when I’d have to give myself the injection. *deep breath* Deep breaths are good. You've got this! As a little good luck charm, I'll share my prototypical shot song. I used it to calm myself down when I was getting really anxious early in my transition, so I tried using it during my shots to keep me calm too. Definitely helped the first few times, but without the predetermined entrance or conscious use of musical timing, it eventually stopped working. That helped teach me what I needed in a shot song as I developed that method though. That's why I switch up songs so much, and I choose entrances that force my musician instincts to kick in. Spoiler 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 @Mezzo Forte I had to keep reminding myself the proper steps the nurse told me. I’m a little nervous because I’m doing this completely on my own with no supervision... I double checked the steps online so I can make myself feel more sure of myself. I have to tell myself everything is going to be okay... even if I mess up, it’s not the end of the world. Relax... And I’m such a fan of Steven Universe! I really loved that episode “Mindful Education”, the feels man!! It reminded me of this orchestral cover: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 @Tortuga *hugs* everything Mezzo said is true. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I agree with everything @Mezzo Forte said to you @Tortuga. *hugs* @SkyWorld, good luck with the shot, I know it’s gonna be just fine. *hugs* I have to say that I’m so tired of gender politics and the politics of being trans. And to be honest, I’m really tired of people treating being trans as some fun thing to explore and play around with. I’m sick of people like Ash Hardell. Being trans sucks. Every time I look down, or feel between my legs I want to cry and rip it all off. Every time I hear my voice, my heart sinks. I wish trans was just a medical condition that people could get help for. I hate that there are all these other layers around it. I don’t know anything about “how gender works” or “how you can figure out your gender identity”. Wtf. I don’t have an identity, I have a shitty medical situation that will never be totally correct. And it’s fucking lonely too. It’s so lonely. And scary. I’m too afraid of the TSA bullshit to even fly at all. I hate that people like Ash Hardell can smile about this stuff, write books about it and do naked podcasts about it. That is not reflective of my experience...at...all. I’m just so spent. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 *hugs* Hadley i wish i could help you somehow. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Wow! I’m genuinely surprised how well it went. @Mezzo Forte listening to a song really did help! At first I was too afraid to inject when there was that first music cue and I was sweating so bad, but just went for it. “JUST DO IT!!” And literally as I did it, I was like, “... that’s it? That wasn’t so bad...” Really glad that’s over and with. Now I have two weeks to not worry about it. XD 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 7 hours ago, SkyWorld said: Wow! I’m genuinely surprised how well it went. @Mezzo Forte listening to a song really did help! At first I was too afraid to inject when there was that first music cue and I was sweating so bad, but just went for it. “JUST DO IT!!” And literally as I did it, I was like, “... that’s it? That wasn’t so bad...” Really glad that’s over and with. Now I have two weeks to not worry about it. XD I'm glad my method helped you! Music seems to be just the right kind of push, where it isn't so little that you hesitate, but isn't so much that you lock up. The other perk to music is that you have something you can occupy your mind with while actually dealing with the slower part of actually injecting the T. Something about youtube videos with people talking makes me anxious when I do shots, and I think the focus and organization of music makes it less distressing. The biggest thing I have to worry about is that I have to really thoroughly dry my hands before a shot because my palms get way too sweaty and that makes the injection project just a touch more annoying. That "Here Comes a Thought" orchestration was really cute btw. I've always liked the delicacy of the upper range of the piano. There's a sort of frail coldness to the timbre that I find strangely endearing. I'm impossible when it comes to keeping up with media, but my sis managed to get my watching Steven Universe, and I think it worked in part because of the ~10 minute episode length making it easier to just casually pick up while multitasking. It's too bad the release schedule is so frustratingly inconsistent though. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tortuga Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Oh, joy. My parents are trying to guilt me into keeping my (masculine) first name. It's gonna be one of my middle names... The first, in fact. Isn't that enough? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 On 1/18/2018 at 4:32 PM, SkyWorld said: Exactly. That’s why I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” or else I’d be shamed. Now I don’t really give a fuck what people think. It’s why I consider myself a kinda feminine guy, I feel confident enough to not be ashamed of my feminine side. I now do what just comes naturally for me. Though I’m not too open about it because I don’t want to increase encounters with transphobic confrontations... verbal or physical... I've been doing that, doing what's natural to me. But I guess I acted TOO feminine the past Saturday so I got misgendered 3 times, by co-workers. I think it's because I don't act like I grew up with male privilege, or toxic masculinity, so I don't act in a male gendered way. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 2 hours ago, nerdperson777 said: I've been doing that, doing what's natural to me. But I guess I acted TOO feminine the past Saturday so I got misgendered 3 times, by co-workers. I think it's because I don't act like I grew up with male privilege, or toxic masculinity, so I don't act in a male gendered way. Sorry that had happened. I think it’s such a shame how every man must act and behave what is percieved to be a “real man”. I low-key worry that some people don’t think I’m valid because of how I may be a bit feminine. In fact, my mom thinks of such. Really, everyone should be free to just be themselves without such worry. If only it was that easy. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tortuga Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 15 minutes ago, SkyWorld said: Sorry that had happened. I think it’s such a shame how every man must act and behave what is percieved to be a “real man”. I low-key worry that some people don’t think I’m valid because of how I may be a bit feminine. In fact, my mom thinks of such. Really, everyone should be free to just be themselves without such worry. If only it was that easy. We all wish that... also, the standard for "real man" is... inhuman. And don't get me started on the "real woman" list... That thing, if written out, could span the distance from the Earth to the moon... and back! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
999papercranes Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Putting this stupid, depressing rant in parentheses so I don’t derail the convo I can’t accept that I’m trans. Just saying the words, “I’m trans,” feels fake as hell. It feels like I’m just some special snowflake. I want to be cis. I want this to be a phase. I don’t want to fucking deal with being trans. I don’t want to deal with legal obstacles, social obstacles, mental obstacles. I just want to be happy again. I’m doing everything in my power to come up with explanations for my “trans-like” traits. Dysphoric about my body? It’s all in my head/internalized misogyny/asexuality feeding repulsion to sexualization. Hate my birthname? Whatever, some cis people don’t like their names. Hate being called a girl/she/her? Internalized misogyny. Love being called a boy/he/him? Again, internalized misogyny. Feeling right when wearing men’s clothes/products? Whatever, you’re just gender non-conforming. Disassociated throughout most of preteen years and can barely remember anything from them? Whatever, some cis people have shitty memories. Love looking like a dude? Whatever, you’re still just gender non-conforming. I hope it’s a phase. I pray to a higher power that I can be happy living as a girl someday. Because my life will be too damn hard if I really am trans. But how much longer can I push these feelings down? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tortuga Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Hoping that I am mistaken about being trans, and yet at the same time hoping that I'm right and I'm trans. So many conflicting thoughts are swirling around my head right now, I just want to scream. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 13 hours ago, 999papercranes said: Putting this stupid, depressing rant in parentheses so I don’t derail the convo Reveal hidden contents I can’t accept that I’m trans. Just saying the words, “I’m trans,” feels fake as hell. It feels like I’m just some special snowflake. I want to be cis. I want this to be a phase. I don’t want to fucking deal with being trans. I don’t want to deal with legal obstacles, social obstacles, mental obstacles. I just want to be happy again. I’m doing everything in my power to come up with explanations for my “trans-like” traits. Dysphoric about my body? It’s all in my head/internalized misogyny/asexuality feeding repulsion to sexualization. Hate my birthname? Whatever, some cis people don’t like their names. Hate being called a girl/she/her? Internalized misogyny. Love being called a boy/he/him? Again, internalized misogyny. Feeling right when wearing men’s clothes/products? Whatever, you’re just gender non-conforming. Disassociated throughout most of preteen years and can barely remember anything from them? Whatever, some cis people have shitty memories. Love looking like a dude? Whatever, you’re still just gender non-conforming. I hope it’s a phase. I pray to a higher power that I can be happy living as a girl someday. Because my life will be too damn hard if I really am trans. But how much longer can I push these feelings down? I think you’re listening to too much of the politics of being trans. It’s a shame that there’s such a politicized and activist element to what is really just a medical situation. Don’t let those things sway you and don’t get too bogged down in all of it. Being trans does suck, I can’t lie about that. But if it’s what you are, it’s what you are. No sense in fighting it. I find the most important thing you can do is work to make your life interesting and satisfying in other ways. Find something you’re passionate about. Get involved in some hobbies. You’ll still be trans, but at least you’ll be productively distracted. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
999papercranes Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 4 hours ago, butterflydreams said: I think you’re listening to too much of the politics of being trans. It’s a shame that there’s such a politicized and activist element to what is really just a medical situation. Don’t let those things sway you and don’t get too bogged down in all of it. Being trans does suck, I can’t lie about that. But if it’s what you are, it’s what you are. No sense in fighting it. I find the most important thing you can do is work to make your life interesting and satisfying in other ways. Find something you’re passionate about. Get involved in some hobbies. You’ll still be trans, but at least you’ll be productively distracted. You’re right... I overthink things too much. I shouldn’t fight myself so much. I should probably just accept it. I’m just making myself more miserable than I already am. School is a nice distraction, and I’m hoping that getting back into writing in my free time will take my mind of things. Usually in the summer I’m distracted by biking and traveling, so winter just kind of sucks, but maybe I’ll find something cool to do. I’ve always been interested in drawing... Thank you for listening to my dumb rants and giving me advice <3 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 On 1/23/2018 at 6:09 PM, SkyWorld said: Sorry that had happened. I think it’s such a shame how every man must act and behave what is percieved to be a “real man”. I low-key worry that some people don’t think I’m valid because of how I may be a bit feminine. In fact, my mom thinks of such. Really, everyone should be free to just be themselves without such worry. If only it was that easy. Another thing is that my inferiority complex doesn't make me view myself as over anyone in almost every situation. Unless I'm in a situation where I'm that confident that I'm of a higher status, I'm not. I was having trouble teaching kids the other day when I was covering for another coach and the owner had to come and save me from the awkward situation. Later he told me that I had to be authoritative and assertive or the kids would walk over me. I still think of myself as a kid so it's hard not making myself equal or even less than the kids. I think I acted like such a girl the whole day. Then last night I dreamt that I was back in school and this one other coach I knew was my PE teacher. Then she misgendered me in my dream and I thought, really? I was already feeling bad after 3 misgenderings. Another thing I noticed at my other job is that the big boss, the doctor, was having a conversation with the other co-workers. He was talking and then one co-worker (a majority of them are female) tried to say something. He raised his voice a slight to finish his thought, and the co-worker stopped at the raised voice. I'm thinking it might be a male privilege thing going on there. But it was so subtle I'm not sure anyone noticed, or I was just reading too much into it. The doctor is a chill, fair guy, so I don't see it as him being a super privileged jerk or anything, just that he might not realize that he was using male privilege. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 I keep reading about how women are treated in society, how sexism is ramped everywhere. But i still everyday wish that i was born female even though more and more of this shit comes up in the light. That has to mean something right? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 18 minutes ago, Kimmie. said: I keep reading about how women are treated in society, how sexism is ramped everywhere. But i still everyday wish that i was born female even though more and more of this shit comes up in the light. That has to mean something right? Absolutely. It sounds kind of sad to say that someone wants to be a girl anyway (acting like it's a choice, even if not) with the bad sexism and misogyny but it does say something about your gender. It says that you are a girl no matter what your circumstances are. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
butterflydreams Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 34 minutes ago, Kimmie. said: I keep reading about how women are treated in society, how sexism is ramped everywhere. But i still everyday wish that i was born female even though more and more of this shit comes up in the light. That has to mean something right? Be careful about what you read. Things like sexism are often overblown these days, especially in the west. All it means is that who you are and what you are is independent of politics and things that happen in the world. That’s a good thing. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) 23 minutes ago, butterflydreams said: Be careful about what you read. Things like sexism are often overblown these days, especially in the west. All it means is that who you are and what you are is independent of politics and things that happen in the world. That’s a good thing. I am not questioning you, i mean you have probably way more experience with it then i do. But after #metoo everyday there is a new profession group that stands up against how women are treated in there work. But then again what do i know. Edited January 25, 2018 by Kimmie. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Whelp, there goes another “friend” on FB now unfriended because of some transphobic BS. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 4 hours ago, SkyWorld said: Whelp, there goes another “friend” on FB now unfriended because of some transphobic BS. 11 hours ago, butterflydreams said: Be careful about what you read. Things like sexism are often overblown these days, especially in the west. All it means is that who you are and what you are is independent of politics and things that happen in the world. That’s a good thing. Agreed. I personally feel this entire me too thing became such a hype that it only makes things worser then better. I’d say just don’t let politic’s influence how you see yourself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tortuga Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 I hate how the extremist sides of everything get the most attention and fame, while the good people who are EVERYWHERE are severely underrepresented. Like the radical anti-trans Christian face which only makes up a bit of the population. Same with our community, and the endless memes, too. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Gender conversations of the week [Me, comes downstairs after a shower with Q-tips in my ears, hears dad saying something] Me: Did you say something? I didn't hear. Dad: I was uhhh *stammers* Me: talking to your actual daughter? (referring to our dog who was walking around the kitchen) Dad: *laughs* yes. [After dinner, parents having the TV on really loud as usual, mom and I struggling to hear each other beyond the noise] Mom: Your voice is too low. Me: There's no such thing as too low. I didn't really mean that, but I am proving that mom hates my transition. Also I'm confused now. I called the informed consent clinic earlier this week to ask where I get more needles, whether I go buy them or what. The woman who I asked, the one who onboarded me to their services, eventually handed me a paper bag with 18G needles and syringes with 23G attached. I told her that I've been doing SC shots in my belly with 25G needles, because that's what the doctor said. Then she said IM only. The doctor has been trying to get more people on SC, and I prefer it since I don't feel the big drops in energy that I was having before. According to the doctor, the vial is just T, it shouldn't matter how it's injected. I'm not sure if doing SC with 23G needles would hurt more, or how different it would be. I didn't like these syringes because the needles wouldn't come off sometimes, and then I had leaked it all over and stuff. Then I always get 3 mL syringes. I'm wondering if I could just get 1 mL ones instead because I'm only injecting 0.5 mL and it feels like a waste of 3 mL. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChillaKilla Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 @nerdperson777 That woman is misinformed, and your doctor is right. I do SC with testosterone cypionate and my levels are just fine (actually, they’re TOO high so I had to cut back ). 23G would definitely feel different, and I doubt pleasantly so. I would go back and ask for the proper ones, if not complain that one of the techs tried to act as your physician despite being unqualified to do so In my realm: As I said above, I had another follow up with my endocrine specialist, and my blood work showed I had very high T levels. My blood was drawn at what would be the lowest point in my weekly cycle, but the count was over 900 pg/ml. Luckily, my hemoglobin and liver enzymes hadn’t suffered because of this, and none of it was being converted to estradiol (at least, not yet since this was a new development and hopefully what we decided to do about it will prevent that.) My dosage is being taken down 0.1 mL weekly (I switched from biweekly because the peaks and troughs were affecting me- T has a half life of 10 days and my injections were every 14, so the levels were varying a good deal- plus I was having some spotting now and then towards the end of the two weeks, and that would simply not do) from 0.5 to 0.4, so the net impact will be reducing 1.0mL to 0.8mL. Here’s hoping this brings me into the normal zone again! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nerdperson777 Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 1 hour ago, ChillaKilla said: @nerdperson777 That woman is misinformed, and your doctor is right. I do SC with testosterone cypionate and my levels are just fine (actually, they’re TOO high so I had to cut back ). 23G would definitely feel different, and I doubt pleasantly so. I would go back and ask for the proper ones, if not complain that one of the techs tried to act as your physician despite being unqualified to do so In my realm: As I said above, I had another follow up with my endocrine specialist, and my blood work showed I had very high T levels. My blood was drawn at what would be the lowest point in my weekly cycle, but the count was over 900 pg/ml. Luckily, my hemoglobin and liver enzymes hadn’t suffered because of this, and none of it was being converted to estradiol (at least, not yet since this was a new development and hopefully what we decided to do about it will prevent that.) My dosage is being taken down 0.1 mL weekly (I switched from biweekly because the peaks and troughs were affecting me- T has a half life of 10 days and my injections were every 14, so the levels were varying a good deal- plus I was having some spotting now and then towards the end of the two weeks, and that would simply not do) from 0.5 to 0.4, so the net impact will be reducing 1.0mL to 0.8mL. Here’s hoping this brings me into the normal zone again! She said that injection in the stomach can do some damage to my abs if put too far in, and something about stomach issues. I am having some stomach issues now, don't know if they're related. Also IM shots should be done on the side of the leg to not hit the bone? I've never done it on the side. That seems weird. I switched to SC because I liked not feeling tired at the end of my shot. If anyone remembers what I said a couple months back, I had 2300 at the beginning of my shot and 160 at the end, based on the blood tests I took. After going SC, I haven't felt tired at the end of my shots. 650 was a very good level for me. My next test will check if I need to lower my dose possibly. My metabolism is so slow that the T is staying in my body. The doctor said that if it's not leaving my body fast enough, my T levels may keep rising. But I guess this is impressive to me since I'm still on a starting 0.5 mL biweekly dose and I'm getting so many effects off it. My voice probably already started dropping within a week or two. My trans girl friend with a low voice thought that I was even lower than her, but I said that it might be because of my cough that I've been having for the past week. My voice is actually slightly higher today and yesterday. I still think my hypothesis of "Asian AFAB people on T get the voice drop first and it's more significant" is something. I'm only making this statement based on myself and several Asian YouTubers I saw. Even then, it's only two Chinese guys who were adopted. They have mentioned big voice drops. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kimmie. Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 Everything is just so confusing! Almost every time I see I women I get so jealous and wish that I looked like her. It hurt my self esteem and confidence so much. I wish that I had legs like that, hips, but, waist, that I could wear a bra without faking it. And a face that doesn't look like a it was made out of gravel or something. AND mostly that I didn't had this stupid thing between my legs! Somedays I cant look myself in the mirror but somedays it is okay. I just don't know Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Emery. Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 I need to clear up my gender stuff. I made some mess. I need to order it now. I don't know what to do when it comes to my "out status" and name. They are so much all over the place. I need to make up my mind and settle on something uniform, because... headache. I also need to have talks with different people to explain them and to close this issue, so to say. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 1 hour ago, Kimmie. said: Everything is just so confusing! Almost every time I see I women I get so jealous and wish that I looked like her. It hurt my self esteem and confidence so much. I wish that I had legs like that, hips, but, waist, that I could wear a bra without faking it. And a face that doesn't look like a it was made out of gravel or something. AND mostly that I didn't had this stupid thing between my legs! Somedays I cant look myself in the mirror but somedays it is okay. I just don't know "You really don't know how happy you should be, to you it's a given, you don't think even a second about it. You don't know the full extent of this pain... That everytime I go outside... Guess I'll kill myself" -Me to other girls Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The-world-is-quiet-here Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 If people are misgendering you, but you’re not out to them so they don’t know it’s misgendering, but it still feels weird cause you’re out to yourself, is it still misgendering? 🤔 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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