_ruth_ Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 So I've recently realised I'm asexual, and a lot of this has been due to things going on around me. I'm at uni, and lots of friends are busy finding relationships/sex on tinder, or on nights out clubbing, and everyone talks about it pretty openly. Hearing about other people's sex lives, I've realised it's not something I want out of a relationship and tbh talking about it gets me pretty uncomfortable and cringey, and I'm worried people are starting to notice that and make judgements/assumptions. What I'd like to do is just come out as asexual, so everyone just gets it and leaves it alone. But what I'm worried about is it will just make things worse: I have a close friend who seems to judge anyone who doesn't like talking about sex as immature, silly, somehow inferior to people like him (in a long term relationship). I'm worried he won't believe what I say and make a big deal about me being some kind of prude. And I really don't want it to be a big deal, I just want it to be 'ruth isn't bothered with sex', and people to respect and believe that. I feel like everyone around me has some sort of score card about how mature or experienced everyone is, and I just don't want to play that game. How do I get people to just understand my asexuality and then move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 1 minute ago, _ruth_ said: How do I get people to just understand my asexuality and then move on? I'd just let them move on. That is, I'd not make a big deal out of it. Live your life, do your thing. If you never bring anyone home, never really touch the subject in conversations, if you don't mention things like relationships / marriage / breeding, chances are that people get the hang of it eventually. It's much more unlikely that people will leave you alone if you open the can of worms. It'll provoke questions and assumptions and you'd be asked to explain a lot of things again and again, which can be annoying. People who want to make assumptions will do so whether you come out or not - but are those people really worth considering when you are about to make a choice? From what you write, I don't see any benefit in coming out at all. Let them have their talks and scorecards and be yourself. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Sometimes it's best to let the dust settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 It could result good, it could not. Some sexual ppl can't get asexuality. I certainly wouldn't put that result past your prude judging friend. So I'd suggest testing the water with mentioning asexuality to them; "Did you know some ppl don't desire sex and are called asexual?" Link to post Share on other sites
Roardova Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 To be honest, you are a prude. If you cringe at sex being brought up in conversations; you have a problem with it. Obviously. There's things wrong with that then there are things not wrong with that. That lingers over to life is what you make it, people are going to judge you whether you're into fall or spring. People are going to judge you whether or not you like boy bands &/or girl bands. You're going to be the topic of discussion at any given moment & there's nothing you can do about that. Being sensitive is a crutch so all I can say is suck it up & be prepared for the worst but hope for the best. People can be shameful & doubtful; people can be humorous but understanding. Either way it goes, if you aren't confident in yourself; they won't understand you or the subject. Being asexual to me is wonderful & when I have to explain it to fellow scorpios; they be like, "You aren't." Then I be like, "But I am & if you say I'm not what I am again; you're going to have to get proof of who I am when I literally blog about who I am all the time. So don't tell me who I am when you aren't living my life." If they call you a bitch for that, call them a bitch for being a wuss. Be diligent on how you defend yourself & good luck. Sex isn't for everyone but like everything in the world; you can still be comfortable with it. Link to post Share on other sites
GabbyMess Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 1 hour ago, Star Bit said: It could result good, it could not. Some sexual ppl can't get asexuality. I certainly wouldn't put that result past your prude judging friend. So I'd suggest testing the water with mentioning asexuality to them; "Did you know some ppl don't desire sex and are called asexual?" I agree with Star Bit...from what I've gathered, sexual people usually don't understand asexuality. However, they can still accept it and accept you. For instance, I don't understand how people can possible dislike chocolate, but I realize that everyone has their own tastes and that I can't force feed them. I also think a large part of the challenge of coming out as an asexual is that many people have never heard of it before and can be confused by what the term actually means and the difference between ace and aro. I told my family I was asexual and my dad asked if I was attracted to cats... I told a friend I was asexual and she insisted that was everyone... I told another friend I was asexual the other day and she still is insisting that I'm a plant.... People just don't get it, but you can teach them what it means. Educate them and raise some awareness about asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimesis Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 GabyMess, you made me laugh really hard here, because for some time now I`ve been feeling a kind of aversion to chocolate! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 ^ Yah, that's why I defined it in my example quote. People also can react better if they're first given the comprehensible part (i.e. the definition) rather than the new unknown term (i.e. asexuality). Link to post Share on other sites
Flygunn Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 31 minutes ago, GabbyMess said: I told a friend I was asexual and she insisted that was everyone... I told another friend I was asexual the other day and she still is insisting that I'm a plant.... One: did she think you said you were "a sexual" Two: Tell them plants are sexual in most cases, unicellular organisms on the other hand are typically the asexual ones, that should stop that behaviour and potentially start a worse one. Link to post Share on other sites
GabbyMess Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 On 5/1/2017 at 6:45 PM, Flygunn said: One: did she think you said you were "a sexual" Two: Tell them plants are sexual in most cases, unicellular organisms on the other hand are typically the asexual ones, that should stop that behaviour and potentially start a worse one. One: Nope, I tried to explain it to her twice actually Two: Good idea, I shall try that next time. People would probably insist I was an amoeba or something though, in that case. xD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 You really have to judge pros and cons on telling people. Pro, if they are understanding, they stop pestering you about sex, hookups and maybe don't try to set you up with people as much. Con, if it doesn't go well, they totally misunderstand what you mean, deny it exists, or make fun of you for it. Personally, I am "out" to people IRL. Why? Because I don't like to lie and sex is a topic my family and friends discuss often enough. When it comes up, I want to be able to honestly say "Eh, not interested in it", not pretend answer something, or dodge. So, it just naturally came up in conversation and I didn't lie about it. However, they don't really understand, so much. My mom hates sex, but she is repulsed by the idea of relationships in general, cause she thinks every relationship is "traditional" where the couple has little in common. So, to her, the idea of a relationship at all is weird, let alone a sexual one. My grandmother has trauma issues, so she distrusts men and hates sex, so she's OK with it but takes it further to not really knowing what I want. My Aunt and her husband won't even call my partner by any romantic titles, cause they don't get relationships without sex. They stumble and go "Your, uh, your friend over there". My cousins were just like "cool, whatever" and my friend said I just needed to have better sex. But, I would not for example tell anyone I work with, because I don't think it would be well received and it would have negative consequences. They do talk about sex, but I just dodge out of the conversations. From what you say about the friend who judges, they probably wouldn't accept it. So, it's up to whether you want to put up with that or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 If they're true friends then they'll understand. Obviously you have non in your life at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Flygunn Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 1 hour ago, Nylocke said: If they're true friends then they'll understand. Obviously you have non in your life at this time. I see exactly what you mean by that and agree, however there are some people that are really good friends that will not understand, but will make sure you never find out that they don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorna81 Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I'd say to go with your intuition. It sounds like you need to tell your friends at some point, but maybe pick a good time and way. I've only fully come out as asexual to one person so far (I only realised I was asexual in Jan this year) and that was to a sexual person I entered a relationship with but then couldn't go through with sex so had to let him know. I have sown seeds. I've let my mum know I'm not interested in sexual/romantic relationships and that I won't ever be looking for a partner. I just haven't used the word asexual. Most of my friends already know I'm not interested in sex. If the topic comes up and people need to discuss their relationships I'm open to this. I'm 35 and fairly solitary so it doesn't come up often. I can imagine how if you're at uni in a shared house it does... I'd try to be sympathetic, but not get roped in to pretending I'm interested in sex and perhaps mention my lack of interest before coming completely out as asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted May 21, 2017 Share Posted May 21, 2017 On 5/7/2017 at 10:12 AM, Flygunn said: I see exactly what you mean by that and agree, however there are some people that are really good friends that will not understand, but will make sure you never find out that they don't. Most people will never understand what it means to be asexual just as we don't understand sexual desire but I guess at that point then it comes down to acceptance. If they're being anal wipes about your preferences then no matter how many excuses you make, they aren't good friends. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dryad Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 On 5/1/2017 at 4:48 PM, _ruth_ said: I feel like everyone around me has some sort of score card about how mature or experienced everyone is, and I just don't want to play that game. How do I get people to just understand my asexuality and then move on? If they're real friends and friends that you want to keep, then your sexuality is an important facet of yourself that you may want to share, I honestly think the younger generations are too worried about other people, when you only have one person, you, to worry about. What other people are doing really doesn't concern you- however I do understand the social stigma we face and social expectations, especially from parents, but not friends- I've told a couple of my friends that I'm aro ace, and I've mostly gotten "yep, that's what you are all right", or "wow, you make so much more sense now", if your friends are really true and understand you, then you will experience something like that as well. Also, please don't be so concerned to keep up with records, or whatever it is that you young people do these days... I swear, I'm relatively young, but I don't understand my own generation. Link to post Share on other sites
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