Really asexual?

[Blondlover]

So my wife told me about a year ago she's asexual this is after sexual partners before me and years of marriage and kids. We have sex when she's horny and she orgasm every time. We tried counseling and the counselor suggested she was not asexual but perhaps hormonal as she's still breastfeeding. She also reads a lot of feminist posts. If she is asexual why would she have been so sexually active for the many years we dated and after marriage and only now after doing a lot of online research. Just trying to understand so I can be more supportive if it's really true. We trying open marriage so I can have my needs met but all I want is my wife, she says wants no one else either.

[ryan_]

There are a lot of asexuals who do enjoy having sex. They simply don't feel the desire to have sex with any demographics or specific people. Libido and horniness has nothing to do with your sexual preferences.

[Star Bit]

3 hours ago, Blondlover said:

We have sex when she's horny and she orgasms every time. We tried counseling and the counselor suggested she was not asexual but perhaps hormonal as she's still breastfeeding. She also reads a lot of feminist posts. If she is asexual, why would she have been so sexually active for the many years we dated and after marriage, but only now after doing a lot of online research?

Did she say she's always been asexual or that she's asexual now? It is a real thing; though a clear minority, that after giving birth the trauma remains and causes them to lose all interest in sex forever; which not even sex therapy can change (not to say having a reason makes someone not asexual; just most don't). Normally the loss of interest after giving birth lasts about a year. Really, this stuff should be in sex-ed so people understand the (sexual activity) risks from giving birth and don't freak out when it does happen. Also, when you say you have sex when she's horny, she still doesn't desire to have/pursue sex, right? She's just more comfortable with sexually compromising when there's something to satisfy? (if this doesn't make sense to you; on how someone who does not desire sex can then behave that way, i can explain) And was the counselor's logic on her not being asexual due to her "orgasming every time/having it when she's horny"? What would feminism have to do with this?? But her previous sexual activity doesn't mean she ever desired it, she just did what was expected, and for alot of asexuals, they can only put up that act for so long and eventually become tired of it. For example, a gay guy (before knowing his orientation) has sex with a woman regularly. He never sexually desired the women though; he was just doing what was expected (and in this case had a desire for sex but didn't know what was lacking when he had it with women).

[Blondlover]

She says she was always asexual but she traveled hundreds of kilometers during our time of dating to meet a guy for sex surely if she was asexual and did what was expected why make the effort? I understand why the necessity sex makes sense to her but as I said the whole story seems predetermined instead of natural. The feminist side is a side of control she decides taking the authority for herself purely because it's mustn't be natural give and take like normal relationships it must be the woman's choice alone which is not equality that is dictating in all facets of the relationship not just the physical. The therapist thought was not asexually motivated because of the history and afore mentioned travel for sex alone. 

[ryan_]

16 hours ago, Blondlover said:

She says she was always asexual but she traveled hundreds of kilometers during our time of dating to meet a guy for sex surely if she was asexual and did what was expected why make the effort? I understand why the necessity sex makes sense to her but as I said the whole story seems predetermined instead of natural. 

 

First of all, people's sexualities change for various reasons, one of which Star Bit just named. Secondly, the need for sex (or lack thereof) can be present in anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. It sometimes depends on the person's sex drive. For example, there are heterosexuals who have a very low sex drive and asexuals who have a very high sex drive. I think the important thing to remember is the fact that sexuality and sex drive are different. Additionally, she could be demisexual, or somewhere else one the gray-ace spectrum. Honestly, though, if she wants to identify as ace then that's her label (the opposing side of this is if she's still trying to find a label, then you may want to search for something that fits better).

[Star Bit]

On 4/12/2017 at 4:18 PM, Blondlover said:

She says she was always asexual, but she traveled hundreds of kilometers during our time of dating to meet a guy for sex. Surely if she was asexual and did what was expected, why make the effort? I understand why the necessity sex makes sense to her but as I said the whole story seems predetermined instead of natural. The feminist side is a side of control she decides taking the authority for herself purely because it's mustn't be natural give and take like normal relationships it must be the woman's choice alone which is not equality that is dictating in all facets of the relationship, not just the physical. The therapist thought was not asexually motivated because of the history and afore mentioned travel for sex alone. 

Then your wife isn't a feminist but a "feminazi". Saying she's in charge and no compromising is not feminism. As you said, feminism is about becoming equal, not superior. --Or are you amounting these actions to her feminism interest and she never said it's because of her feminism beliefs? Then she can still be a feminist because the two are unrelated. Her not being able to sexually compromise isn't because she's trying to take control. She genuinely can't force herself to do it anymore. It's like asking you (if you're straight) to have sex with another guy how ever often they want it. You're most likely just not gunna be able to do it, and repeatedly at that. For some straight people it's easier to understand if they view their partner as gay. She could've given you the feminism reason so you'd take her "no" more seriously. Or she needs the word feminism as a crutch so that she can finally voice her feelings on the matter of sexually compromising. I'd actually say the latter is very likely.

 

As for why she went a long distance for sex, she could've been hoping "this will be the moment it changes and I become a normal sexual person". You'd have to ask her why. Also, ask her if she ever desired sex for its sexual or emotional pleasure (even if this desire only appears after sexual arousal or foreplay). To clarify, desire and enjoyment are two different things. The aforementioned question is about desire, not whether she was able to sexually or emotionally enjoy sex. There's a difference between wanting to go on a rollercoaster to make someone happy vs being an adrenaline junkie and wanting it for the adrenaline while not being that into rollercoasters themselves. This being the difference between going "I wanna make my partner happy and sex is what does that for them" vs "I emotionally get off on sexually pleasing my partner and desire sex for that reason".

 

To clarify what laura_ said, by "asexuals can have a high sex-drive they mean a high desire to masturbate, not sex. They really needed to of used the word libido.

[MakeupJunkie4]

@Blondlover I do know that some people realize they're ace after years of sexual activity. People can come to this realization after trying to be "normal" (sexual), but it doesn't suit them in the long run. Also, the instance that @Star Bit mentioned is also very possible, since it is coming up after birth. Honestly, there's no way for us to be sure what's going on, but I agree that talking with her openly and honestly about everything would be best. Good luck! 👍