Anonymous Pillow Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 See, after figuring out I was asexual, it's sort of been an internal struggle because I tell my family everything and they keep talking about relationships and try to get me to go on dates or whatever, and I would rather just not, and I would really like to explain to them that I'm Gray romantic asexual, but I don't know how well that would go down, because for one, our religion is very big on getting married and having a family and I don't know how well they would react to me flat out saying I don't want that. Then I'm also concerned they wouldn't believe me in the first place. I know I don't have to come out, but I would really like to because at least then I would feel comfortable around my family again and like I could tell them anything, but I really don't think they would understand either, so it's sorta conflicting. Thoughts? I already asked people on my usual forums, but they were far less than helpful and sorta just shut me down instantly, which I'll admit, annoyed me, so instead I'm coming here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
wrendering Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'm sorry to hear you got bad advice elsewhere. I obviously can't tell you what to do, but I ended up telling my parents about my orientation for a very similar reason to you. I was having a hard time explaining myself about relationships that I didn't have and wanted to at least have them understand that I feel differently than they do. So, I decided to tell my parents, but I was also fairly certain that it would not be a deal-breaker for anyone. The way that I explained it was that my asexuality doesn't mean that I won't ever have a relationship or anything, it just means that maybe I won't have kids. So maybe if you explain what it means for your relationships that would help? It also could help to just bring the topic of asexuality up and see how they react if you want to test the waters first. If you do choose to come out, good luck! I hope it all works out! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Hey. Think about what are the consequences of coming out to your parents. I will give you a question for you to think about: How does you family feel about lgbt+ folks? I ask this because your family,it sounds like,sound very religious. Though not all aces feel they are apart of the lgbt community (which is totally fine) Being asexual obviously isn't straight. If your family hold very negative views of lgbt folks, then there is a big chance the hold negative views of asexual folks because they may feel anything that isn't heterosexual is "unnatural" or "Of the devil" Now,if you do decide to come out, If I were you, I would just tell them what grayromantic means. If they give you crap about it just tell them: "Just because sex and romance hold value to you all,that doesn't mean they hold value for everyone. Sex and romance holds no(or very little) value to me. I feel how I feel. I respect how you feel about sex and romance,please respect my views on this. Don't push your views on me, I won't push my views on you." Even if you don't come out, I would still say the bolded sentence to them. A better thing that may help is:"Please mind your business. Thank you." I hope I was some help to you. I am not saying my way is the best way, I am just giving my opinion. Do what you feel is right. Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous Pillow Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 2 minutes ago, wrendering said: I'm sorry to hear you got bad advice elsewhere. I obviously can't tell you what to do, but I ended up telling my parents about my orientation for a very similar reason to you. I was having a hard time explaining myself about relationships that I didn't have and wanted to at least have them understand that I feel differently than they do. So, I decided to tell my parents, but I was also fairly certain that it would not be a deal-breaker for anyone. The way that I explained it was that my asexuality doesn't mean that I won't ever have a relationship or anything, it just means that maybe I won't have kids. So maybe if you explain what it means for your relationships that would help? It also could help to just bring the topic of asexuality up and see how they react if you want to test the waters first. If you do choose to come out, good luck! I hope it all works out! Yeah, I'm pretty sure over on the other forums they just thought I was being an attention seeker or something. :/ Alright, thanks. I'd just really love to be able to talk about it with them, and so I've been considering telling them for awhile, just been wondering if it's a good idea or how I should go about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anonymous Pillow Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 2 minutes ago, Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet said: Hey. Think about what are the consequences of coming out to your parents. I will give you a question for you to think about: How does you family feel about lgbt+ folks? I ask this because your family,it sounds like,sound very religious. Though not all aces feel they are apart of the lgbt community (which is totally fine) Being asexual obviously isn't straight. If your family hold very negative views of lgbt folks, then there is a big chance the hold negative views of asexual folks because they may feel anything that isn't heterosexual is "unnatural" or "Of the devil" Now,if you do decide to come out, If I were you, I would just tell them what grayromantic means. If they give you crap about it just tell them: "Just because sex and romance hold value to you all,that doesn't mean they hold value for everyone. Sex and romance holds no(or very little) value to me. I feel how I feel. I respect how you feel about sex and romance,please respect my views on this. Don't push your views on me, I won't push my views on you." Even if you don't come out, I would still say the bolded sentence to them. A better thing that may help is:"Please mind your business. Thank you." I hope I was some help to you. I am not saying my way is the best way, I am just giving my opinion. Do what you feel is right. Good luck! My mom is very understanding, and I feel like if I was to tell anyone and have their support, it would be her, but my dad and my older sister are different matters. I firmly believe my sister won't believe me, she's probably just think I'm confused or something like that, and while my family is religious, I also know they aren't like, homophobic or anything...but I know they don't approve either, so yeah I mean, I really don't know how they would react to asexuality. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 33 minutes ago, Anonymous Pillow said: My mom is very understanding, and I feel like if I was to tell anyone and have their support, it would be her, but my dad and my older sister are different matters. I firmly believe my sister won't believe me, she's probably just think I'm confused or something like that, and while my family is religious, I also know they aren't like, homophobic or anything...but I know they don't approve either, so yeah I mean, I really don't know how they would react to asexuality. I see...Perhaps if you feel the need to come out, Then I think your Mom is the best bet. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
A-Scale Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Well, first off, know that whatever you feel isn't wrong or unnatural. In terms of familial issues, that I'm less able to provide help on. To be honest, it really depends on your family. Ideally, your family will support you because if you're happy with who you are, or would be happier being honest about yourself, then they should support that, even if they don't entirely understand it. At least, that's my viewpoint. If your family is willing to consider the topic, maybe try testing the waters? You don't have to come out, per say. But if unsure maybe gauge their reactions if you tell them you don't really want to get married, or if you're not as romantic as the average person, or sexual, or whatever else. It's a case by case basis. But ultimately you deserve love and support for who you are, and I hope you achieve that regardless. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I can't help you but I know your pain. I'm 55 and my parents never really cared about my lack of relationships. They knew I was happy and not doing anything destructive because of it. My S-I-L would be a different. She has made some obnoxious statements about me to my mother which upset her. As it stands now, I feel no need to out myself to them. I would probably cause more hardship than me being "in the closet" so to speak. Is that the proper term or does the asexual community use a different term for not being out? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Red Sun Rises Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I completely feel you, and I think I have kind of a similar situation. My family in particular is kinda big on getting married & having that kind of relationship - I wouldn't say our religion necessarily, at its truest form, is pushy about getting married, but people definitely interpret it that way (I don't, but most people do). So, my family isn't always ON me about finding a nice dude and shacking up, but whenever the topic comes up and I'm like "Nope, never getting married, never dating, don't want to, it has no importance to me" they're all like "You don't know that, you just haven't found the right person yet. You need to stop saying such things when you don't know what the future will bring." Hooo... Making me a bit angry just thinking about it, lol. But anyway, I've kind of "come out" to them, in that I've told my mother (which includes my dad since she tells him everything lol) that I don't feel the same things that they feel (sexual attraction, although I didn't use those exact words). I didn't label myself as Ace, because my family hates labels, but I did explain that I was different than them. I don't know if it really changed anything - my mom was just like "Ah yes, I've known women like that. We used to call them 'frigid.' But you just do your duty and get on with life." And my youngest sister straight up asked me if I was asexual one day, out of the blue, and I answered honestly. None of them have harped on it, or isolated me for it, but it hasn't really changed anything. They still believe that I should get married and procreate, because they believe it's everyone's duty to do that - it's not just because I'm female, they're like that to my brother as well. I also told my best friend that I was Aro-Ace, and she still thinks that there is "someone out there for everyone," which includes me. So, basically, if you think you can come out to your family without being teased or something, it's your choice. My advice would just be to not get your hopes up too high that the situation will change based on their new knowledge of you. If you want to talk about your situation in more detail, you can definitely PM me. I feel like we both have similar situations. Hit me up if you feel like it Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maristine Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 If you're not sure how they would react, maybe don't say you're asexual, but just say that you're not really interested in dating and would like it if they stopped asking/pressuring you and see how they react before you fully "come out." Or talk to them about how you just learned what asexual it was or you met an asexual person and see what their opinions are before you tell them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Twig55 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 1 hour ago, Maristine said: If you're not sure how they would react, maybe don't say you're asexual, but just say that you're not really interested in dating and would like it if they stopped asking/pressuring you and see how they react before you fully "come out." Or talk to them about how you just learned what asexual it was or you met an asexual person and see what their opinions are before you tell them. I second both of these options. Labels can be overwhelming for people who don't really have a mindset to accept them immediately, and it would soften whatever you're saying if you're not sure how they'll react. Doing either of these would set the scene nicely for telling them that you identify with that label a bit later on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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