Do some allos feel that much attraction as they seem?

[dayagime]

Since i came to aven and saw that attraction was more expansive than what was in my idea, i became slightly curious if the people that we usually know outside of internet really feel that much romantic attraction as they make it seem. I don't know if this has ever been discussed here but i've been thinking about this for months and the only way to take this of my mind is asking. 

By "outside of internet" i mean the people that haven't heard of the other attractions and live to the knowledge of romantic and sexual attraction or that the two coexist and they're only one. It's not uncommon to see people breaking up and dating someone new, breaking up, dating someone new again,and just keep going in a short time (not just dating but also just loving someone, forgetting, loving other,...), i understand it is a matter of the person we are talking about but isn't there a chance that maybe every feeling that doesn't feel like the "typical" friendship is mistaken by romantic attraction by some of these people?

[Paigerly]

I'm so glad you made this topic, because I feel that perhaps this person could very likely be me. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm mistaking emotional attraction with romantic attraction.

I'm really interested in what other people have to say about this topic, because I'm just as curious as you are.

[Busrider]

It is hard to look into others' heads.

I got impressed by the summary of a childhood: "Size of problems we caused varied but our parents bitched about them in their usual way & to the same extend..." Trying to say: I can't measure the feelings somebody might have. - I can see how much effort folks put into "living" them.

I've seen stupid stuff happening in the "romantic" field: I had a buddy who set his mind on some gal and became determined(!) to overcome the "No!" he got, by snail mail spam, presence, gifts. Such a siege could go on for years. It was surely an "obsession" and romantically triggered but didn't involve anything like romance going on.

 

I used to travel quite distant to meet up with my LDR ex. Now I am way more domestic / less cosmopolitan. - What is the use of being in a different town? There is no chance to run away from yourself.

 

OTOH: If you look into functional relationships you'll see both partners pay quite some price to keep them running.

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It's not uncommon to see people breaking up and dating someone new, breaking up, dating someone new again,and just keep going in a short time (not just dating but also just loving someone, forgetting, loving other,...), i understand it is a matter of the person we are talking about but isn't there a chance that maybe every feeling that doesn't feel like the "typical" friendship is mistaken by romantic attraction by some of these people?

Let me once again struggle to translate a Bertold Brecht poem: "What are you doing if you love a person?" Mr. K was asked. "I'll make myself a blueprint for the person and try to adjust it." "The blueprint?" "No, the person!""

Summary: Some folks appear suitable as projection screens for the personal dream of romance. After a while their own personality shines through and the projector splits with them. <- That is my understanding of frequently changing partners: "I love my wife to be at full throttle, but it ooops takes me a while to realize Jil isn't that one. *rinse & repeat with Jane*"

Friendship is a different animal. Friends have a bearable character and are either kept for years or can be reactivated semi instantly. To me friendship feeling is less intense than the romantic stuff but for that reason it doesn't burn out either. It takes an extra step to get from friendship into romantic mood. but once there it is also hard to drop back to just friends. - It might work after a a long while when the breakup is forgotten and a different relationship happened in between.

[coyote55]

I don't really know the answer to the OP's question, but amid the small subset of marriages among friends and cousins I've watched over many years, I would say a great deal of their romantic attraction is real and mutually felt. I used to be confused by friends who would be moping and depressed at being separated from their partners for a single day, but for them, the pain was quite real. How about the people we all know in our lives who bounce from one relationship directly to the next? My 84 year old uncle is one of those; he lost his wife of 50+ years and couldn't bear to be alone - he remarried within 2 months. Romantic behavior seems to last in some relationships, not so much in others. My closest cousin and his wife still hold hands, smile at each other, and trade those "special" looks all the time, even though they argue fairly often. 

[Telecaster68]

Losmoun

 

Speaking as a sexual who has only ever come across the separation of romantic/sexual/aesthetic attraction (let one aromanticism) on AVEN, I'm pretty sure there's absolutely no analysis along those lines going on with allos. They just want to be with that person,  and to most people that gets bracketed under having a relationship, and that's what they do. 

 

There's probably as many variants of romantic relationships as there are relationships, but no one has the urge to categorise and label them. They just are what they are and we (allos) just get on with it. 

[DoomDodo]

I've recently been asking myself the exact same question. I realize that my romantic attraction comes extremely close to my platonic attraction when it comes to guys (with girls it's also pretty close but any romantic notions make me more uncomfortable).

I've noticed this when I become good friends with older men (like 15-30 years older). Without sex in the picture, it actually becomes easy to develop pseudo-crushes on older men. Obviously if anything ever went in that direction, I'm pretty darn sure it would completely creep me out and squash the squish (eheheh). While I'm perfectly aware that I'm just having a squish, it's made me compare it to romantic crushes, and I've realized that the things I want from a romantic partner (hugs, deeper emotional connection, companionship), I also would enjoy from those squishes. Who knows maybe I'm desiring some sorts of quasi platonic things... The only exceptions are kissing and some of the emotional intensity. It seems I have an extra level of attraction between platonic and romantic.

 

Either way, comparing feelings for my crushes on guys (my own age lol), and feelings for my friends, there is definitely a difference. I experience quite a bit of sensual attraction to my crushes (I constantly wonder what it would be like to hug them or cuddle them). I enjoy hugging and cuddling both my crushes and friends, but only desire it from my crushes if that makes sense.  Either way, actual crushes are agonizing and addictive. There's a definite difference between platonic vs romantic in my case. Ironically even though I'm super romantic, up until now I've actually gained far more from friendship than I ever have from romance (I've also been extremely unlucky though, I should add).

[Florenna]

I've long been wondering the same thing (though obviously not with a term like "allos", didn't even know such existed)... 

 

All those people walking hand in hand everywhere, and kissing a lot, in public...?  How can someone WANT to do that all the time? Hand-holding I can understand, have done it myself in the past, but I admit I've never really liked kissing...  (Whoa, finally could admit it out loud - it seems like not liking kissing is something criminal, from most people's attitudes...)

 

What most makes me wonder are those people (supposedly the majority?) who are with the same person for a very long time, even all their life... And that's supposed to be great and something all human beings should aspire to?! (It IS always portrayed as such in the media etc.) But from what I've seen, in most cases it just seems more or less a matter of convenience. Keeping the status quo is always easier than change I guess, for most people...

[Ettina]

On 12/22/2016 at 1:57 PM, gayasanaro said:

Oh god. Okay, so I'm an ~°~allosexual~°~ aro lesbian and I'd just like to say, first of all, don't call us allos. It makes assumptions about the exact frequency that we experience sexual attraction and about our relationship with sex. Not only is that incredibly invasive and rude, it's also probably sexual harassment.

 

Then there's the "allosexual privilege" thing, which is atrocious for several reasons. One, it groups gay and bi people with straights on the same axis that they oppress us: attraction. Two, it's also serophobic because of how sexual attraction has been historically weaponized against hiv+ people and other people with stds (especially gay/bi men, sex workers, trans women, poor people, drug addicts, and people of color). Three, it ignores how white supremacy has affected social views of PoC sexuality. Four, it ignores slut shaming and misogyny and how sex is used against all women, especially wlw, trans and nb women, disabled women, and WoC. Five, it's ableist, ignoring how disabled people are often systemically and institutionally denied sexual agency - and it's especially ableist to hypersexual people, for whom sex shaming and sexualization plays a huge role in ableism; jokes about how allos can't think of anything but sex are hurtful to us.

Allosexual just assumes you're not grey or ace. Nothing more. And if you think having a word for "people who feel typical levels of sexual attraction" is sexual harassment, I think you need to review what sexual harassment actually is. Sexual harassment is either a) pressuring someone to do sexual things they don't want to do, or b) harassing someone for the sexual things they choose to do or are believed to be choosing to do. Simply saying that someone feels sexual attraction doesn't put any judgment on them for it, nor does it imply that they should be having sex.

 

Do some people call someone allosexual while sexually harassing them? Yes. But people also call people gay while harassing them, and that doesn't mean every use of the word gay is harassment.

 

I'm still not sure if allosexual privilege can be distinguished from straight privilege, or if it's only straight allosexuals who are privileged. I think it depends on the cultural context - while there are many places that are still very homophobic, I feel that in some communities most people are more accepting of gays/lesbians than asexuals. I'd also like to point out that other types of 'privilege' interact strongly - I think white men experience a lot more male privilege than black men, for example.

 

Slut-shaming is wrong. It doesn't matter what you call the people you're slut-shaming. I don't agree with derogatory comments about allosexuals. But that doesn't mean that my use of allosexual is intended in a derogatory manner. The people I love most in the world (my family) are all allosexual. They are not obsessed with sex, and they think of plenty of things besides sex. It's just that they share an aspect of their experience that I don't.

 

Lastly, we need a word for people who feel typical levels of sexual attraction. The asexual community has been bending over backwards trying to find a word that doesn't offend anyone, but we do need a word for it. Just like gays need words for straight people, and bisexuals need the word monosexual. If you have a word you prefer that means the same thing, let me know and I'll try to use it instead.     

[Telecaster68]

There is a word which has worked for hundreds of years. It's 'sexual'. The asexual community didn't invent the idea and doesn't need to come up with a new word for it.