Hit a brick wall. What could my next step be?

[Pannekoek]

Hi all,

First of all I'd like to thank you for reading my post. I realize that a lot of people have the same question, but every situation is unique in it's own way. I guess at the end of the day all we want is for someone to listen to our story and to be heard.

I've been thinking about posting here for a little while now. I've talked to friends about my situation but it's nice to get some fresh perspective at times. Hence me being here.

I'm a 26 yo female. I've recently gotten married to a woman whom I believe to be is my soulmate. She is smart, funny and I think she's absolutely gorgeous. I'm very much attracted to her and she tells me she feels the same way but somehow we rarely have sex. I try and initiate but she usually makes up excuses. Too tired, too busy, not in the mood. We sometimes don't have sex for two months until we get to a point when she decides we should really have sex. And after that the waiting game starts again. I've tried to talk to her about it, initiate conversation but it just leaves her feeling more frustrated. Last week it escalated to a point where she started yelling at me because I kept bringing it up. I broke down crying and have been feeling rejected and disconnected ever since. She tries to make up for our lack of sex by doing nice things for me. Cooking me meals, cleaning the house. She wants to cuddle and sometimes make out, especially if i'm hurt and feeling disconnected but during those moments that's the last thing I want to do with her. After we have a fight or after she turns me down I just feel dejected and want to be alone. But those are usually moments she tries to be a close as possible to me.

The weird thing is that I know exactly how she feels because I've felt the exact same way in previous relationships. Though I have not felt like that with her. We both have a history of sexual abuse. I feel that plays a big role in all of this. I myself have been in therapy for that for a few years and I feel more grounded now but with her it's different. She doesn't want to talk about it. It's over for her and it's something that's in the past. I feel like it might still be hurting her more than she thinks. I can't force her to go into therapy, that's something she has to decide for her self. But now I wonder if it has affected her sexuality permanently. Would it be to soon to say that she might be asexual? Especially because I used to feel the same way and I don't anymore?

I hit a wall. After last weeks escalation I really don't know what to do. I know we're still in our first year of marriage so maybe it's just a phase and it will get better in a few days. I really hope so. I've tried giving her more space but I don't think that's necessary the problem. We tried doing datenights once a week. Nope. I've even considered not having sex at all ever. Just because I'm tired of waiting and feeling like I'm forcing myself on her. Now I just feel like I can't talk to her about it anymore at all. Like she's shut the door on me.

Lately I've started to fantasize about other women. I've developed a crush on a friend of ours just because she's nice to me and sometimes flirty. The only reason she's triggering me is probably because I'm insecure and want to feel wanted and desired. I don't know if I could control myself should that friend ever make a move. And that's terrifying because I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I just want my wife. I love her to bits and think she's the most attractive person in the world. It just stings so much 'cause every time I look at my wife I can feel myself wanting her but it's like I can't have her anymore. I really want to save my marriage and try and make things work, but it feels like I can't do anything about it. I don't want to not have sex anymore/or just have it 6 times a year for the rest of my life. How can I improve our communication without getting her all frustrated and worked up about it?

I'm glad I could share my story here.. I know it's a bit long but even telling it just takes a bit of pressure off of me. Feel free to reply or ask any questions. :)

[McPhail]

Thank you for sharing your story.

You sound like a very strong person who introspects and empathises with your loved one. Even when you're feeling rejected, undesirable, etc. for lack of sexual activity, you still are trying to understand the situation without resorting to anger.

It does sound like your wife might need help, in the form of therapy she's rejected. Sometimes, people with emotional/physical trauma, depression and other mental health reasons will avoid getting help because confronting their issues is too terrifying. But, the alternative, of unhealthy bottling up of trauma, unhealthy coping mechanisms etc. is worse.

Unfortunately, you can't drag a person to get help, they have to reach the conclusion themselves. Depending on the persons involved, a big argument may be the trigger for change unfortunately.

Would a gently-worded letter help get your thoughts across? From your words, sounds like your sexual world is a secondary issue to her well-being. She does sound like she's dealing with something heavy without sharing it with you. I have read other stories in these forums of destabilised relationships because one or both persons don't share and communicate.

When dealing with heavier subjects, I find it easier to talk them out with a loved one when we're not confined to a room. Take her out walking to a local park, that way the heavier emotions might feel easier to discuss?

[Pannekoek]

Thank you for your reply McPhail!

I've sure had my angry days, but I do realize that getting mad at her only makes her feel worse. She might seek counseling at her college for her drinking problem. I believe her drinking is connected to her being sexually abused in the past and it's a coping mechanism for her. Definitely unhealthy as you stated. I really hope she decides to go because I still feel that there's so much she hasn't dealt with yet.

I like your idea about a letter. I'm afraid I'll be repeating myself and saying things in that letter I've said before. But could it be different? I've written letters in the past to people to talk about emotionally heavy stuff and it really made it easier for me. How does it feel for the other person to receive and read that letter? I don't want to push her... I definitely feel like talking about our problems shouldn't happen in the bedroom anymore. I want our bed to be a safe place. I don't want her to feel stressed out when she goes to bed because of her fear that I might bring it up again.

Thank you for your advice. I'm glad to just be talking about it.