Why "come out"

[Randomchaos]

I am definitely never coming out to my parents. I'm 21 and I don't see it happening ever. Not because they would react in a bad way (or at least not to the point of not talking to me) but they wouldn't see it as a thing, they would just say "You haven't found the right person yet" "We should get your hormones checked" "Why do you think that" etc. Not to be mean just because they don't understand it. I'm a person who pretends to love arguments but in reality if it actually matters to me I hate them, they make me sick to my stomach, especially if it's a person I'm close to that I'm fighting with. At the same time I won't just stand down, and take shit so sometimes it's best to avoid the drama. If I don't bring it up it won't become an issue.

I do however understand the wish to tell the people you are closest to, and sometimes I feel like telling them, and then my realistic side takes over again. (Or maybe it's my cowardly side, I don't know.)

I've come out to my two best friends but that is because they are similar to me in ways. It was interesting because the first one I told actually got really excited because she is demi-romantic. My other best friend was talking about her first year in college and how she had been thinking she was lesbian.(So when she looked at us and said "I didn't tell you any of this before why aren't you surprised?" I just went ahead and told her I was ace lol. Turns out she's bi-sexual hetero-romantic, she doesn't really understand and doesn't want to explore it. She's the one that can't quite grasp me being ace, not that she says anything about it I think she just forgets. (I've given up on reminding her :P )

Sorry this was a huge rant/ramble. Just felt like posting it.

[Sally]

I told my partner when I read about asexuality because I felt he needed to know. But I certainly don't think anyone's a coward if they don't come out to anyone who doesn't need to know, because your sexual orientation is your private business. It's entirely your decision. Frankly, as a mother and grandmother, I don't feel it's at all necessary or appropriate for me to know my kids'/grandchild's orientation, or for them to know mine.

[Wenderbread]

I usually don't come out to people. It's not that I'm ashamed or trying to hide it or anything. I've just found that m (a)sexuality just isn't relevant most of the time; there isn't much reason for me to ever bring it up, and doing so would just randomly derail conversations that don't need derailing.

When I first discovered asexuality, I came out to a few people and didn't receive the reaction I was hoping for. It's just easier, in my experience, to not bother. I guess that makes it sound like I'm hiding it, but I really don't go out of my way to avoid the conversation. I just simply don't bring it up. Everyone knows I don't date and have never expressed interest in casual sex, but nobody really questions it and that's just fine with me.

I am interested in hearing the perspective from people who have found it important in their lives to come out to people, though.

[if-indeed]

Oh lord, I'd never come out to my parents as ace. They don't need to know about my sex life, or lack thereof. (And they're also not great people, but.) As far as coming out to friends, for me I do it for a few reasons: to establish the boundaries of any potential relationship with them, to explain why I may be uncomfortable participating in conversations that turn to casual sex, and/or to have people that I trust who I can complain to about ace issues lol. I certainly don't come out to all my friends, I'm pretty picky about who I come out to IRL honestly. I've only come out to a handful of friends who are also queer and can kind of "get it".

[FerlynnGoldbeard]

I've recently started to debate telling my family again. For now, I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't tell them if I was heterosexual, so why would I tell them that I'm not? I've told a couple of friends because the subject of sexuality came up, but I haven't made it a point. I don't hide it, but I don't outwardly boast either.

[Sally]

For now, I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't tell them if I was heterosexual, so why would I tell them that I'm not?

That's a good point. I haven't read anyone else saying that.

[KulkulkanX]

I am opne and out. By coming out, I can educate allosexuals abd perhaps let thise who are confused by being asexual and not knowing it find the same liberation I do.

That being said, you should only come out if your circumstances permit. If coming out might get you thrown out of your home, be safe and hold off. If you aren't the loud outspoken type (like me), and don't want to explain to every Dick and Jane what asexuality, don't come out. Use your own discretion.

[ThaHoward]

For me it would be too still questions about not dating, hooking up, being in relationships, to show I am not gay etc. Also its a good way to spread awarness. In the end it all depend on what you personally want.

[NerotheReaper]

The only people who know about my asexuality, is a potential significant other and my sister. Anyone else, they really don't need to do what I am not going on behind closed doors.

I told my sister because we are pretty close, and I figured she would be accepting of it. She is cool with it maybe with me being asexual, she doesn't need to worry about becoming an aunt anytime soon. It also probably keeps me appearing to still be the baby of the family. I also told this guy I am interested in since he deserves to know. He took it well, but it is still early on so things can change.

I do agree on keeping it private though.

[Contrarian Expatriate]

I reject the term "Coming out" as not applicable to asexuals. LBGT people were subject to derision, discrimination, shunning from families, and outright violence, so it is not quite the same for us.

However, I do let women in whom I have romantic interest know that I am asexual just so it is known that I am not willing to go that route.

I find that they seem baffled by the concept or they just cannot get their head around it. Some feel that I just have not met the right one yet. Right....

Whatever the case, instead of declaring asexuality, I find it more useful to explain it all in practical terms. I say, "I love women romantically very much, but I have never had sexual interest in anyone and I am happy and content this way."

That tends to get it all out in the open in an understandable way.

[Dodoa]

I've told my two best friends, because I want them to know the whole me, and to be able to talk to them about asexual stuff, and they both reacted better than I hoped. With all my other friends I resolved to tell them if sex and relationships come up in conversation and they want my input, because I don't want to feel, like I'm hiding it, but I've been failing miserably at that, because I really don't like confrontation or being the centre of attraction and the only way I feel comfortable doing that is in a one on one conversation and so far those topics have only come up in those big group discussions, so I've stuck to dropping hints from time to time.

My parents are a bit of a different topic. I'd really like them to know, but at the same time I really don't want to tell them, because there's no way I could weave it into a conversation, since we just don't talk about that kind of stuff. They've never asked me about relationships, and I never told them anything, because there was nothing to tell. I've tried subtly letting them find out, by leaving AVEN open on my computer when they come into my room, having an ace flag magnet stuck to my radiator etc. but for some reason they are weird and respect my privacy.

[Zargos]

Personally, unless my asexuality affects someone, I don't think they really need to know. Obviously I wouldn't want to keep it from close friends and family though. Technically only 2 friends and 1 family member (my Mum) know about it. That is mainly because I am not at all close to most of my family and I don't have many close friends either. Also, all three of those people kind of gradually found out about it as opposed to me "coming out" in a sudden revelation. Just my 2 cents :p

[Ennis]

For me the question is not if to come out (in most cases), the question is as what to come out ;)

When I tell other people about my partner they're bound to think I'm gay. Unless they ask for a specific label I feel no need to talk about asexuality.

[Garin]

personally? two reasons;
1) Until I did it seemed clear people would continue treating me like and acting around me like I was a typical heterosexual male and the assumptions that come with that.
2) To help others who may be feeling lost, alone, broken, etc but have not yet encountered the vocabulary or whatever to express, if only to themselves, what they feel like.

[Kamkyo]

I'm not out, but I'm not in either. The people who are important to me know, and several others because it's not some secretive thing to me and in my friendship group there is some interesting sexualities and so it has often been a topic of conversation. I'm not 'out' online, nor am I likely to stage a great Facebook update about it because for most of my online contacts it is entirely irrelevant. Nor am I out at work; again, not a situation where it is relevant. If someone asks I tell them because I'm not shy about it, but at the moment I don't feel the need to make a big deal about it either.

That said, for some people they feel it is important to be out publicly and very loudly and all I say is good for you! Raising visibility can be a huge help for people who don't even know asexuality exists. If it wasn't for ace 'coming out' videos on YouTube I would likely still be wondering what is wrong with me.

[Randomchaos]

I reject the term "Coming out" as not applicable to asexuals. LBGT people were subject to derision, discrimination, shunning from families, and outright violence, so it is not quite the same for us.

However, I do let women in whom I have romantic interest know that I am asexual just so it is known that I am not willing to go that route.

I find that they seem baffled by the concept or they just cannot get their head around it. Some feel that I just have not met the right one yet. Right....

Whatever the case, instead of declaring asexuality, I find it more useful to explain it all in practical terms. I say, "I love women romantically very much, but I have never had sexual interest in anyone and I am happy and content this way."

That tends to get it all out in the open in an understandable way.

First off I really love your Socrates quote.

But I don't agree with the first part of your post, I've talked to people who have experienced ace phobic comments received threats of violence due to their being ace, and overall treated like shit for being ace. Otherwise I agree with you 100%. :)

[Anwen]

I don't know. I don't usually talk about this stuff with anyone.

I kind of mentioned it in passing to my best friend and my sister and i mean, there wasn't a discussion, it wasn't a big deal, but just so if they were interested they could look it up. The only other person I really talk to about it is my sister in law, which is honestly because a while ago we were talking about a friend of hers who liked me and she asked me how i felt about sex. she was the one who suggested to me that I could be asexual. Although I fully expect to have to go through my first 'coming out' thing soon. I found a guy I really like (romantically obvs.) who interested, i guess, so if our date goes well, its kind of something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Sides, so long as its not directly affecting them (potential partners etc), I reckon the only people that you should really tell are those you want to tell.

[Amedot]

I told my parents I was asexual when I was around 16 because, long story short, I couldn't take it anymore and needed her behavior to stop.

Short story long, my mum was constantly accusing me of sleeping around with guys, she would take away my laptop because she thought I was a cam girl (I didn't even have a webcam), but at the same time she was obsessively asking if I was having sex with girls and making sure I was straight by trying to set me up with guys. There's a lot of other stuff too, it's... honestly a bit of a joke. Basically I couldn't take accusations anymore, I couldn't keep inventing reasons why I didn't want to date (as if "I'm not interested" isn't a good enough reason). For me, it was safer to tell my parents than to not... but I also didn't live with my parents at the time, I was living with a different family member. If I was completely reliant on them for food / shelter maybe I wouldn't have told them. IDK. Do what is safest for you.

[Amedot]

I reject the term "Coming out" as not applicable to asexuals. LBGT people were subject to derision, discrimination, shunning from families, and outright violence, so it is not quite the same for us.

Speak for yourself :P

[King Al]

I don't really come out. But my friends are known for telling everyone for me. :D

[StrandedX02]

I usually don't come out to people. It's not that I'm ashamed or trying to hide it or anything. I've just found that m (a)sexuality just isn't relevant most of the time; there isn't much reason for me to ever bring it up, and doing so would just randomly derail conversations that don't need derailing.

When I first discovered asexuality, I came out to a few people and didn't receive the reaction I was hoping for. It's just easier, in my experience, to not bother. I guess that makes it sound like I'm hiding it, but I really don't go out of my way to avoid the conversation. I just simply don't bring it up. Everyone knows I don't date and have never expressed interest in casual sex, but nobody really questions it and that's just fine with me.

I am interested in hearing the perspective from people who have found it important in their lives to come out to people, though.

This is me to some extent. That said, I did bring my asexuality up last week in a situation where I thought it was relevant. (And it was really more to illustrate my thoughts about a book for a book club through the lens of my own experience than just coming out for the sake of it.) I do wear an ace ring, though, so I'm not really hiding anything.

But for a lot of the people who are really close to me, coming out wouldn't really do anything other than confirm what they already know. I lived with my sister from 2008-15...it's not like stating that I'm asexual would come as any surprise to her. Same goes with my best friend. I've known her for 6 or 7 years, and while I've occasionally mentioned a romantic interest in someone, I've never talked about anyone in the way straight men would typically describe a woman, even to a female friend.

[kel naismith]

I came out to my Mom because of being scared about my future and wanting someone else other than me to know. We had a good conversation about it, but haven't talked about it (or, for that matter, dating etc) since, which honestly, is fine by me. She knows, (and accepts it) and that's enough for me.

I think I'd like my Dad to know too, since this is part of who I am, but I don't really want to broach the subject out the blue, so I'll probably only mention it if I can get it to come up in conversation or something. I don't feel a particular need to tell my sister, except that I semi-accidentally came out to half our cousins, so I figure if they know, she should probably know.

[thegirlwithgreenhair]

I've come out to my close friends but honestly I don't feel the need to come out to people unless I'm in a relationship with them. If someone asks if I'm straight I'll usually just say no and not eleaborate.

[TRexPhilbo]

I've recently started to debate telling my family again. For now, I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't tell them if I was heterosexual, so why would I tell them that I'm not? I've told a couple of friends because the subject of sexuality came up, but I haven't made it a point. I don't hide it, but I don't outwardly boast either.

I'm essentially the same. I'm never gonna come out as ace to my family, as it's none of their business (and also because I've been hold by my mum that she "hopes I'm not asexual). The only reason she knows I'm aro is because she essentially forced it out of me.

That being said, a couple of my friends know.

[dayagime]

To be honest i don't really see a point on fully coming out to anyone, a "i'm not interested" to any relationships talk seems to work most of the time unless someone i know hypothetically ends up showing interest in me? Maybe telling them about asexuality would be a better way to end the conversation.

[Dawg4280]

Keep in mind that the only reason that anyone here even can came out is because other aces have came out, established a community and brought about awareness. The decision is always yours, but collectively privacy works against us. Coming out is the best thing you can do for the movement

[Mezzo Forte]

Honestly, I make no effort to reveal or hide my orientation. I don't modify my behavior to seem sexual at all, but I'll only talk about it if directly asked. I also just describe my orientation sans the label since those who don't know the label pick up on it better, and those who do will pick up on what I'm saying.

I've found that the topic of sexuality comes up a lot more when coming out as trans, but strangely, not as much as I expected. The only reason my parents know is because they asked during my coming out conversations with each of them. (They both wondered if I was into women :lol:) Other than them, only one other person has asked as I came out as trans so far, and I think he heavily implied that he's basically an ace who married his exception. Can't say I've ever had a bad response (to being trans or ace), but part of that comes from how few people I've told.

[Nylocke]

Oh lord, I'd never come out to my parents as ace. They don't need to know about my sex life, or lack thereof. (And they're also not great people, but.) As far as coming out to friends, for me I do it for a few reasons: to establish the boundaries of any potential relationship with them, to explain why I may be uncomfortable participating in conversations that turn to casual sex, and/or to have people that I trust who I can complain to about ace issues lol. I certainly don't come out to all my friends, I'm pretty picky about who I come out to IRL honestly. I've only come out to a handful of friends who are also queer and can kind of "get it".

Heh my folks are pretty religious so while they might not have a problem with asexuality they would probably question it or assume otherwise like you said. "oh you haven't found the right person yet" or my personal favorite "God will bless you with a husband someday". Yeaa why can't they just leave it alone o-o

[long nights]

Not too many people know about my asexuality and honestly? I expect to keep it that way.

I am tired of having to explain what asexuality and aromaticism is, and even in doing so, facing the same old misconceptions. If somebody is curious then ask, which has happened to me before and i have been honest in my answers.

But at the end of the day to quote Merlin "i am who i am, i am who i was and i am who i will always be"

i don't need everybody to know about this. Would be nice because they could be educated, granted that is, if they want to be educated, on what each of those terms mean and from there awareness could be spreaded, but in my experience, i am prone to face most hostility.

Everybody should do whatever they feel comfortable with when it comes to coming out, whatever makes them feel comfortable and happy. It shouldn't be a forced thing but something that comes out naturally and towards somebody you know you can trust in.