Anybody care to voice their opinion whether asexual or not? (very confused)

[dreamer92paris]

Hi,

Thank you for reading this, it is a pretty long text but I decided to make an account in the hopes that one of you could help me out.

I don't know if I am asexual or just having a phase (accumulation of multiple things), maybe it is a combination of the two.

First off I would describe myself with the quote "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

However, like many people I found life hard and felt like I wasn't given the affection I craved. I wanted to be loved, cared for, appreciated etc. Years later I still don't feel this, not even from my own family, resulting in issues of not appreciating myself etc.

During puberty I started gaining weight and isolating myself. I knew early on that what I was experiencing was depression, it took years for my parents to finally except this, after I had a breakdown and a doctor gave me anti-depressants. I stopped the medications, because I was so out of it - I would sleep for hours a day and had just started university. I felt like I had battled the depression over time and have been good for the past year (but I seem to still be pretty numb, but cry like a baby over everything), I treated the depression like a virus that had to pass through my body and would eventually find it's way out.

Early on in life and even late highschool and early college I started kissing guys, partying etc. and I was fine. I did hesitate everytime a guy would try to go further and have sex, mainly because I seemed to be uncomfortable with my body and wasn't that attracted or didn't feel the desire to go further (can't even remember which one was the cause), but at the same time the fact that guys where interested I did like-it gave me a bit of a boost in self confidence. I only had sex once in my life and it was a one night stand - don't even remember much (alcohol and medications do not go together). I have regretted that.

However, recently I have been reading up on asexuality, it was in the hopes to figure myself out. I haven't done anything with a guy for 4 years (I do wonder when I am out why I am still single, I could be a great catch ;) - I do fake the confidence though and then I think it is because I am chubby (but there are enough women who are chubby that are in a relationship...). Friends are just saying hey, you just need to get laid...which is not helpful advice at all, as they are all in a relationship and at the moment I am in the "forever single"-status and aren't battling all these thoughts.

So I recently started wondering if I am still depressed (although I seem to have gotten over the worst part, but I am no longer the old me I was before I landed in a depression) or asexual or just in a slump along with isolation. I don't know what is going on.

• I don't masturbate/or watch porn - don't feel the need to (maybe because I am from a very traditional family?)
• I don't crave sex or a partner at the moment (low libido - maybe because of social isolation, still depressed?) - I do wish for a partner and kids later on in life
• I do like kissing
• I don't get horny or aroused (what is it to be aroused?- have I looked at guys and said, hey he is hot, I would do that? yes)
• I can imagine having sex myself (don't know if I would actually do it once the opportunity presents itself) - doesn't turn me on though, maybe because I am not confident?
• I do not have any self esteem and don't feel good in my body and prefer being along (horrible vicious cycle) - I tried losing weight, but I just seem to fail all the time, I haven't quit though

I don't know if my mind is tricking me (asexual or just no confidence/no desire or something along those lines). Perhaps one is causing the other (depression -> feeling like I am asexual) , but the (over) thinking is making me even more confused and I can't let it go/function properly. A friend said it might be because of low testoren levels ( apparently they go down even after having had sex in a week, and I am at 4 years and counting, along with me crying like a baby for an emotional song or seeing somebody else cry).

I really wish to figure out what is going on. I am still very young and have been batteling with depression and evil thoughts and the consequences of that for such a long time that it is hard to think clear. I don't even know why I suddenly have all these questions, I am having a 6-week holiday before I start university again and I haven't done anything but think. Normally I am too busy to think about anything as I am studying or writing papers. That is probably why I am suddenly having all these thoughts and going on this rant, I used to not have time for any of that, so it didn't bother me.

Any idea what is going on or anybody have personal experience, which could help me out or advice?

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long text, I thought the details could help?

[Cali-Kat]

Dreamer92Paris... I don't know if this will help, but I was recently wondering if I might be asexual. I always thought there was just something wrong with me but not in a medical way so I never talked to any doctors about it. I don't remember where I heard about asexuality, but I started wondering, and got a book called "The Invisible Orientation; an Introduction to Asexuality". It explains the whole spectrum. Its very repetitive, so I skimmed a lot and got through it pretty fast, but by the end of the book I decided I'm okay, this is just the way I am and its ok, and I learned how to label my particular orientation. It was a relief, and I understand now why past relationships went the way they did. And how I might have saved them if I'd understood myself better.

It seems you have thought this out well, and recognize there are possibly multiple things going on, so I don't feel I can give an opinion on whether you are asexual, but you could be. Maybe reading through a book like this might help you - maybe you'll recognize yourself in some of the descriptions of different asexuals.

[Star Bit]

You don't desire to masturbate but can you? Wait, have you never been sexually aroused? Being horny doesn't mean finding someone pretty, it means they want sexual pleasure. You not being able to get aroused could mean you have a health problem. Weight problems and depression can be a symptoms of hypothyroid/hormone problems. Look up the symptoms. It could also mean there's a possibly cancerous growth impairing bloodflow or one in the brain impairing that section of the body. Also, if you can't tell you're depressed then it's not significant enough to kill someone's sex-drive (major depression would be). Your perspective on your body/youself can also impair the development of sexual desire. Testosterone only effects some men's sex-drive, not women; it is not what makes sex-drive. Even if it's increased it is not guaranteed to increase sexual men's sex-drive.