What Is Wrong With Me!?

[danigirlawkward]

Help me!

*PS. Sorry for how long it is! I just wanted to be as clear as possible.

Heteroromantic asexual here - aka romantically attracted to men, sexually attracted to no one.

Sexual background - was fed up with not being like everyone else (before I found out about asexuality) and pretty much made myself lose my virginity at 21 or 22 years of age (with a little help from wine and unfortunate hormonal things). Oh and pretty sure a condom wasn't used but I'm not sure. Que one of the many dumb things I've done that this post will mention. Before that, just attempted giving oral sex to a guy and received it from another guy or went through the whole making out with random people at the bar phase (only 3 guys within that 4 year time period). After every thing I have ever done before finding out about asexuality, I would cry and hate myself, call myself a slut or whore because that's not who I was.

Fast forward to now - I'm 24. Back in April, I went to a concert and afterwards, stayed at a friend's house since I hadn't visited him in a long time (he lives in a different state but I didn't feel like driving so late at night after the show). Just hanging out as if we saw it each the day before and then the next thing I know, we're trying to have sex but it's awkward. It hurts for one thing and for another thing, I'm pretty sure the universe just thought it was a bad idea because it ended pretty quickly. In that whole time frame, I was thinking about what I should be doing, how to behave, etc. Condom was used in this scenerio. The next day I felt fine. I didn't hate myself and really I was apathetic about the whole situation because it didn't really last long because of the pain.

Backtrack to three nights ago. Meet this guy at a bar. At the end of the night I get his number and I text him the next day. I go to work and that night I see what he's up to. I meet him at another bar.

Now before I continue, 1. I do not just go to a bar and meet guys. I am the least likely person to even get asked to meet someone at a bar or anywhere. 2. I've never even been on a date nor have I ever been in a relationship. 3. Other than the porn that I have seen in the past either by my friend showing me or me looking it up myself, I have no idea what to do when it comes to sex. I don't really think porn shows it well anyway but I don't think romanticizing it like the movies do helps either. 4. I am interested in sex in the sense that I'm curious about how others get turned on and why even certain points on my body react in the way a body would when it's 'turned on' vs. when it hurts (aka when penetration is attempted), etc. I would love to experience making love with a man someday because I do believe that there is a difference between that and just having sex. Also I am interested in what an orgasm feels like because people make it seem like it's heaven on Earth.

Anyway, so meet up with the guy again. Actually he's home for the weekend from working in a different part of the state so his parents are at the bar too. I meet them and they're cool and he's super nice and all that. I drive him back to his house and because I have to use the bathroom, I go inside, use it and because I wanted to at least talk to him a little more, stay a bit. He gives me wine because I'm not really a beer drinking. I want to say 2 glasses of wine later, the guy and I are making out and again, I find myself in a position where I'm having sex. Now why did I do it? Honestly one part of it was the alcohol since I had had two drinks at the bar before I even went to his house but in terms of the other part, I really don't know. I just let myself step out of my comfort zone and just went with it. Yes it hurt again, no like the idiots we were a condom wasn't used but I did immediately take a Plan B pill about an hour after it happened. No I am not on birth control because I had no reason to be on because before April, I hadn't had sex or desired to have sex in 3 years. I still don't have any desire to have it either. Once I'm in relationship, I'm more about doing it to please my partner and I tried to do that with him. Apparently I did a good job despite being inexperienced. He was very nice about all of that (he doesn't know I'm asexual, I sort of just said that I wasn't experienced and I was in my head and couldn't relax). Anyway, I'm internally freaking out about the no condom thing and praying to all of the gods that my period comes in two weeks like it's supposed to. I haven't heard from him since that morning after he asked me if I took the Plan B. I want to give him space but I do want to continue talking to him so I'll probably reach out to him in a day or two.

So aside from being a dumbass, what is wrong with me? I don't really know how I feel about me participating in sex or why I've done what I've done in the recent and distant past. Any thoughts?

[nanogretchen4]

There is nothing wrong with you, and you haven't done anything but some pretty typical sexual exploration. Don't beat yourself up and call yourself rude names. Do see a doctor to help you choose a reliable method of birth control that you will use every time. Also talk to the doctor about the pain you have been experiencing during penetration.

[danigirlawkward]

Thanks. I just have a hard time not taking things so seriously. Yea, I have yet to tell my mom (well I lied about the situation, she doesn't know I did any of that) and I haven't told my friends yet because I'm waiting until next weekend when that time of the month is supposed to be here. Like I said, I took the Plan B within the hour after it happened so I'm not freaking out as much as I feel like I should be.