Lonelytx Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Hi, i dont really know how all this works but i have read some of your stories and it seems like a safe place, i apologise if my little tale comes out in rambles and rant and i appriciate anyone who takes the time to have a read :) ill try to tell you as much as i can im the shortest way possible :) Well... erm i am 24 and female and from the uk. I have reached a point in my life where i no longer know which way to turn! I suffer with severe deppression and anxiety and have a very low immune system which leaves me with constant breathing issues and catching every bug going which means i spend a lot of time in my ocd clean home with my overly groomed, overly spoiled cat 😻👍 amazon has to be the best thing ever 👍 i was engaged to someone i loved very much 😍 i had been able to start working for a few hours a week at the job of my dreams and life was on the up! I have never sexually identified as anything as i wouldnt know where to start, i was brought up not to see the difference between men and women, my mum always told me that if you love someone you love them it doesnt matter what sex they are! I have had relationships with men and women in the past, i seem to form close friendships with men but it will always lead to something more, i seem to think that if i sleep with them they will like me more?!?! But i really dont like sex with men, for some reason it really freaks me out, i just see the anatomy of it that your putting a part of your body into mine and it genuinely discusts me at times, so naturally like all people i use sex with men to punish myself for wrong doings because they pain i feel from that is far worse than i can achieve with any other sorts of self harm!? Even i think im mad! I form very close relationships with women and have had sex with them, although it doesn't discust me i still dont really have sex alot because i find it hard to be touched, im happy to give on the occasion but not receive shall we say. So i really gave no clue where i stand with that atall?! So thats a bit of my background now on to whats happening.. if your still with me thankyou ☺ 14 months ago my partner left me, which wouldnt of been so bad if what she said when she left wasnt so hurtful, she told me that i had destroyed her as a person 😦 at the time her friend (male) was staying at the house, as he stayed to comfort me one thing led to another and we had had sex, i felt sick and numb at the same time. Within a few days she asked to start seeing me again and of corse i said yes i was heartbroken, but i couldnt let go of what she said and couldnt let go of the friend, i ended up cheating on her in a romantic sense as he was there for me when she was not... i know this was wrong of me but i couldnt let go.. but i also couldnt let go of her! 6 months ago i left her due to my own guilt of having someone else there to comfort me, i told her everything and she left. Over the months she started seeing someone else whoch i understood but she was still keeping in contact with me,then a couple of months ago things started to progress with us we were holding hands again, kissing, staying over for cuddles is was great i felt like we had a real chance.. 3 days ago she told me that she couldnt speak to me or see me this week as her girlfriend was coming to stay for the week :( obvs i questioned this and our relationship and got met with "i thought we were just being good friends" and that she would talk to me about it after this week. Now shes texting and ringing me?!?! I am totally lost does she want me or her? Whilst all this has been happening i have due to severe health lost my job and my home (luckily my dad lives on his own and has a spare room atm) so i am positive that me and the cat have somewhere to live :) it should be a fresh start but it just doesnt feel like anythings getting any better?! If you made it to the end i would love to get some feedback and advice on any of the issues i talked about good or bad i dont mind just need another veiw of it all i guess :) Thankyou for listening (reading) x Link to post Share on other sites
Veertje.-20 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Hey Lonelytx, First of all the cliché part, welcome to AVEN! I read your story and I am not sure if I can give legitimate advise. I have never been in a similar situation, never had a relationship to be more clear, but maybe I can give my point of view? Maybe this is kind of stating the obvious, but your relationship you have with this girl sounds kind of destructive for the both of you. Of course I don't really know what happend and how it happend, but it sound like you are both in a harmful position (you keep hurting each other). She sounds really confusion, one day she says you ruined her (did she explain in what way?) and at the same time she doesn't want to let you go. It also sounds like she is revenging as you call it your romantically cheating, by doing the same to you. I can be completely wrong since I don't know the actual situation and I don't know her, but to me it feels like she is leading you on or just not telling you the stuff you need to know. It can also be that she is just afraid of leaving you behind and just doesn't want to choose. Again, I suck at relationships and advice about it, but it feels like you need a break from her. This doesn't mean you have to cut her of forever, just to clear your and her mind. This way it might be easier to understand where you both stand. This also gives you a bit more space to focus on yourself and the problems you are having right now, on at a time. Please note again I am not a real genius at this! Please don't punish yourself by having sex with people. Like every form of self harm it is something that could really hurt you (I guess that is kind of the point, but you know what I mean). Have you ever talked about it with a professional or someone at all? There are better ways of dealing with feelings like this (still figuring out those ways myself). About the way you identify only you can be the judge. You could definitely be asexual, but you could also be slightly sex repulsed. Do you feel sexually attracted to other people, because if you don't than you might be asexual, if you do it might be the latter. I hope I was of any help and feel free to message me whenever about whatever. I won't judge and will try to give my honest point of view. I hope your sickness will get better soon. It really sucks to hear it affected your life this much. x Vera Link to post Share on other sites
melancholy-sweet Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to AVEN, Lonleytx. None of these sound like good relationships for you to be in. Especially the relationships with your girlfriend. It doesn't sound like she was communicating very well with you or checking in about your needs at any point during this relationship. I'm sorry that that relationship ended so roughly! As far as the relationship with the other guy, I definitely don't support you using sex with him as self-harm. Not only is this physically and emotionally harmful to yourself, but I imagine that it could be pretty emotionally harmful to the other person as well. Bottom line: please, please, please take care of yourself. I have also struggled with self-harm; nothing quite like this, but I am glad you were able to diagnose that your choice to have sex with people is a form of self-harm. That being said, I would encourage that you talk to someone you trust - whether that's someone here at AVEN, a friend, or a therapist/counselor. Personally, I don't feel totally comfortable giving you advice as I am not qualified/not a therapist, but I am happy to listen and I again want to thank you for sharing your story. I'm excited for you to find somewhere new to live! A fresh start sounds like the best way to approach this part of your life. Sending lots of love to you and your kitty. Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Welcome! I'm sorry to hear that you've been through all of that. :( I agree that you should talk with someone you trust about using sex as a form of self-harm and how to overcome it. You had the right to say no to your ex when wanted to get back to you after hurting you, if you didn't agree with her getting back into your life. It sounds like she has been giving you a lot of mixed messages, in an "off-and-on relationship"; I've been through one of those before, and they can be very confusing and volatile and prone to a lot of miscommunication leading to conflict. I know what that cycle is like. If you're still on speaking terms with her, she needs to be honest about how she feels, because her not doing so is the root of the conflict between her and you in order to break the cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Hi and welcome! Thanks for your intro! This is a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :) It sounds like you might have to have a real heart to heart and both be honest about what you want from a relationship. From there you'll both probably have to make a decision about being in one with each other too. I hope you can figure out something so that both of you can be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
kelico Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Welcome to AVEN! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm glad that you found and joined this awesome community! You're not alone!! : ) You'll find a lot of great people that can offer advice and share experiences. I'm sorry about the struggles you've been going through. It sounds really rough...you deserve better. Relationships that cause pain aren't healthy ones. Regardless of what's gone on, you don't deserve any sort of punishment. : ( I hope that you can find happiness!! Like the others said, discussing your relationship and being honest about how you feel would probably be a good thing. *hugs if you'd like some* Take your time and explore the site. I wish you all the best, and I hope you enjoy being a member! Link to post Share on other sites
Lonelytx Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 Thankyou to everyone who read and replied to me and sorry its taken me so long to get back to you all, i had to have an operation yesterday and am having to stay with my grandad for a few days as my grandma fell yesterday and broke her hip in 3 places :( and my grandad has dementia so unfortunately he is unable to be by himself! Have not had a second to think about myself but i will get to it and hopefully chat with you all about it in a few days :) hope everyone is well :) Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I hope you and your grandma both make a speedy recovery! Link to post Share on other sites
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