Is losing your virginity solely based on curiosity really such a bad thing?

[Wonderment]

I mean like, I want to know what it's like. Sex. I want to know what sex is like. I'm a chick, in my early 20s, and I've been pondering asking the great and wonderful AVENites this for quite some time. I guess I'm just looking for different opinions, because I love that. I'm aware that in the end it's my decision. Is that how you spell decision? I think so. Um, yeah.

Anyway anyway anyway. Being asexual, obviously I don't really feel sexual attraction for anyone. But I'm still curious as to what sex is like. I want to find out for myself what it's all about and whether or not it does anything for me. I have people in my life, who I would trust enough with doing this task. There's actually been soooo many conversations with this one friend of mine, about "trying it out" with him. He's so neat, I'd start rambling on about him, buuuuut that would probably give away how much I like him, huehue. If anyone's read my other posts, they'd probably understand anyway. I trust him enough to be doing this with him. I feel ready to be able to do such a thing. It was my idea.

Ahh. I don't really know what else to add onto this post. I hear of so many people that frown against people having sex with people that aren't in a relationship with them, and that doesn't make me feel too good, about my situation.

Thoughts?

[Alex//]

As long as it's safe/protected and consensual, I don't see an issue with it. You're curious about it, go right ahead. People are gonna have something to say regardless of what you do, and it really isn't their place to comment on something like that anyway.

[The Great WTF]

I had sex out if curiosity (well, that and a fit of boredom) and it turned out fine. People have sex every day without being in a relationship and they are just fine. As long as you're doing it for you and with someone who fully understand why you're doing it and will respect your requests and needs, including stopping if you ask, then by all means go for it.

[tuney]

I think the first time sort of has to be like that. You're not going to feel any want, need or desire to do it, so the only way you're going to do it is if you sort of 'force yourself' into it a bit.

For me it was the same. It was with a long-term very close friend that I did fancy (I'm a romantic asexual) so it wasn't just with any old stranger, but when he expressed that we could have sex I did want in a sense of 'I'm getting on a bit, I should try, and I fancy this guy so what better situation?'. I could never have tried it with 'just anyone'. It had to be someone I aready fancied. As it turns out, it ended up in marriage years down the line!

The 40 Year Old Virgin film was recently out, and whilst I had only heard the title (still don't know what it's about), I know I felt "This is where I'll end up. I either get on and do this, or I'll be the 40 year old virgin which is apparently such a big deal that they name films after it".

[arthurh]

Just make sure you yourself are mentally ready for it or else you may mentally scar yourself. Be safe about it and if you feel uncomfortable at the last minute it is very ok to pull away from the situation people show strange traits when it comes to those situations so just make sure you feel safe. If you feel it may damage your friendship with them don't go through with it keep yourself in mind first.

[Corretto]

OP...Have you ever felt 'curiosity' about retaining your virginity? Ask yourself if permanently forgoing your irredeemable virginity will credit your exploratory experience fucking around ["trying it out"] with someone that you're unlikely to establish a more fulfilling relationship.

NB I'm not "frowning". I just suggest some 'feeling'.

[Oddball-Meo]

Whether it's a bad thing or not really depends on your believes, values and by which standards you live by. It's only a bad thing if YOU see it that way. If you think casual sex out of curiosity isn't a bad thing then for you it isn't but for some it will be because of religion or because they hold sex in high regards as something that should only be between lovers who are in committed long term relationships. Basically it depends on who's societal norms and standards you are living by. Obviously different countries and cultures will have different feelings about sex just out of curiosity.

Personally I feel doing something that could have serious consequences out of curiosity is a bad idea but then again I just have an irrational fear of getting pregnant or contracting an STD. Also I've heard that the first time isn't really anything like what sex should feel like because people are inexperienced and nervous and this leads to the sex being bad, so in order to see what it's really like you might have to do it more than once and there's nothing like 100% safe sex which is why I would never have sex out of curiosity.

[levelskid]

Physically, no you will be fine. Some say virginity is a social construct. Really, it depends on whether it fits according to your values.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Virginity is a social construct (and religiously based) and the definition of it is pretty vague because it seems to only count if its penetrative sex yet it states that being a virgin is never having had sex in general and sex can be anything from oral, anal, mutual masturbation or even regular masturbation.

Is it bad to do it out of curiosity? No, but you have to be careful as sex can have some serious health consequences with all the STD's around, some of which are incurable. Other than that, if the sex is consentual, its ok. The amount you want depends on you.

[Ace-TheTimelordsCompanion]

EDIT: Jade beat me to a couple of points, and I totally agree, particularly with staying safe. Use protection and what have you :)


Having sex isn't something I have ever done, so I can't speak from experience, I do however like listening to people talk about things, and reading about things. So I have formed some opinins that way. I understand the curiosity, curiosity is a natural part of being human, and that is absolutely fine :)

Virginity is, in my personal opinion, an arbitrary and entirely overrated thing. It has negative effects no-matter what, you are expected' to 'lose' it, but only in a certain way. In my opinion virginity, or lack of virginity, as an important thing is really just a societal construct, and nobody's business.

That being said whether or not you have sex with a fellow consenting adult is entirely your decision :) If you want to, then why not, it's like anything else if you want to do it then try it out, if you like it then do it again, if not then don't.

Consent is complicated, and simple, at the same time. It sounds like you have a trusting relationship with this other person. Remember, consent is your friend and either of you can say 'no, I don't feel comfortable' at literally any point, and the other person must stop, give you space, and respect your decision (if they don't that is an entirely different topic, and very bad). So you can change your mind.

In my mind it is like a scary flying fox, if it looks fun from the ground, try climbing the stairs, if it still looks fun from the top, and you still want to, then you can ride the flying fox, otherwise you can go back down the stairs, and no one has a right to judge you for either decision.

[Nidwin]

It was an interresting experiment and I don't regret it, the 2 times with my "ex". It did answer my curiosity.

Just make sure he understands the situation and why you want to give it a go.

[Elluna Hellen]

Of course not. You're an adult (technically. not so sure how you personally feel about this :P) and you're capable of making your own decisions. If you want to know what sex is like, and you have someone you REALLY trust with this.... Go ahead? Make sure none of you is expecting anything that won't happen, so be clear with each other. And of course be safe!

As long as you both want it, are both ready, are safe, and don't have any unrealistic expectations about how this will affect your relationship or something, I don't see the issue.

[Robin L]

I suppose society does have this thing where your first time needs to be with someone significant, and honestly this is the only thing that's stopping me from experimenting sex because 1) I only want to have sex with someone I love, and 2) I am repulsed to having sex with people I know. Though I will encourage you to go ahead and do what feels right for yourself, I can definitely understand if you're like me and can't seem to jump out of the social constructs. There is nothing wrong with either case.

[Guest]

As long as it's consentual and safe, losing your virginity is never a bad thing.

Technically virginity doesn't even exist. It's a societal construct. You aren't really losing anything by having sex for the the first time. :lol:

[fiѕh]

Idk what society has going on about that relationship thing. I guess the point is to have this experience with someone important? Which makes more sense to me.

Anyway, on to my opinion. If you feel good with a person, important one or not, go ahead and do what you wanna do. You're a big girl, yup.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I believe that the reason behind a meaningful relationship or just someone you trust in order to have sex with is a type of safety measure placed out by authority figures. If sex is seen as a regular activity that anyone with anyone can do, then it stops being important and starts being something like any regular activity which it is in the overview of things..

[nanogretchen4]

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't try it out if you want to. You're old enough and you seem to like and trust the person you're considering having sex with. It sounds like you have already talked to him about your feelings and your reasons for doing this. I would recommend seeing a doctor beforehand and probably using a second birth control method in addition to condoms.

There are two common things that could happen. One is that the first time can be awkward and a little underwhelming, mostly due to nerves and inexperience. So one time may not really answer your questions about what sex is like. The second thing that could happen, especially if you have sex multiple times with the same person, is that one or both of you might develop stronger feelings than expected. One of you could end up feeling more strongly than the other and get your heart broken. These aren't reasons not to have sex, otherwise no one would ever have sex. They're just things to be aware of.

[Telecaster68]

Curiosity is pretty often one of the motives for sexuals to lose their virginities too, though I guess it's a stronger curiosity and there's a strong drive to have sex anyway, which asexuals don't have.

[Lord Jade Cross]

True. Aside from that, there is also rebellion, basically just to defy the authority figures rules. This also tends to include the ideals of being "grown up" and so on.

[Wonderment]

Yeah, thanks all.

I do completely trust my friend for this, and we have made it clear with each other what is happening and what is/isn't to be expected. It will be safe, trust me on this, lol.

[Frigid Pink]

I'd do whatever I want to do, whatever makes me happy, and whatever I truly feel comfortable about (as long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual"), regardless of the labels. As long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual," it's okay and that applies to everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.

I wrote this years ago and thought it might be helpful to share it:

I suggest you do what you want to do and feel comfortable doing. I did not force myself into anything, but I did experiment as I felt comfortable doing so. It is nice that my current partner and I have an understanding that doing something once does not mean we will always do it. If I try something and I am uncomfortable with it, then we do not do it anymore. Sometimes it has taken me a few times of doing something to really know for myself whether I want to continue with it or not. I guess what I am trying to say is there is no pressure for me to do anything I do not want to do or am uncomfortable doing. And I have someone who is patient with me as I continue to learn those things for myself.

With that said, I dislike the term "virginity" and the concept of "losing virginity."
I find it an unhelpful, and even harmful, descriptor of one's sexual experiences, with a more sex-negative tone, especially considering it's historical origins.
I currently prefer "sexual debut" as coined by Laci Green and recommend her series of youtube videos, especially this one:

[l0tus]

Is it a bad thing to try out of curiosity? No but the other person should be aware + there are risks. I considered trying it to see but I feel like I would not be able to go through with it nor find someone I would really want to try it with. I'd also be concerned if the guy did not respect me and decided to take advantage/rape or STDs. There's no test for HPV in guys and it can transfer via skin to skin contact so it's like oh.

[Salted Karamel]

I think you can desire to have sex for any reason that may or may not be sexual attraction and that should be fine. Who is anyone to tell you what your reason for wanting to have sex must be?

…With the exception of one other person. And that’s the person you’re having sex with. Because it would not be good to lead someone into believing you have a deeper interest in them just for the sake of trying things out for yourself. But since you seem to have someone that is on the same page as you, sure, yeah, why not?

Of course there are people who “frown against people having sex with people that aren’t in a relationship with them,” but as long as they’re not the person you’re having sex with, what does their opinion matter?

If I didn’t have the sexual experience that I do, I never would have figured out that I’m demisexual, or a lot of other things about myself. I know now that I didn’t feel sexual attraction for half the people I’ve been sexually involved with, but I don’t regret any of my sexual experiences because whether or not they were sexually fulfilling they all taught me something, so they were all educationally fulfilling.

Make sure you use a condom that is not expired, that the condom is put on correctly, etc.—it might be good to read up on proper condom usage—and

water-based lube! You'll hear a lot about protection, but this is pretty important too.

[Zenix]

"Retaining the purity of a virgin" is definitely a social outlook and personal moral belief. It really is a mindset kind of deal, that can have its attractive allure simply because it may implant somewhat securing mind sets like "I was their first" or "Remembering my first" which some people make a big deal out of. If for any reason, it would make having future relationships difficult I would avoid doing it. Whatever happens it is best to keep an open mind and look at every person individually.

The only thing is you're more than likely to never forget your first partner, so choose someone you can at least keep fond memories of. I waited until I met someone who chose me, and while we do not get deeply sexual much anymore, I am glad it was her. When I was younger I had dreams of saving it for marriage and all that, but as time went on and I saw how more and more of the world just didn't care I let down my guard. I did however swear to keep it only to women I come to trust completely. I have no regrets to who I lost my first time to. She is still my first and only girlfriend who I am proud to have involved in my life, and never will reject. I will say I am glad to have lost it and know than to retain my virginity prior. Personally it wasn't as glorious as my fantasies come out to be but that kinda was to be expected, haha. Felt like it was overrated afterwards.

I do admire people who choose their partner wisely and respectfully, as that is a very attractive measure to me. I simply would avoid someone who has had a large amount of partners as I feel they will struggle to really find value in emotional attachment with it if they have experienced much of it with many others very easily. Granted my demisexual nature puts high value in emotional thinking and special trait connections. The result of having too much of one thing, if you will. If I ever have sex with anyone, I want it to be seriously meaningful which I know means I will rarely if ever find another or open up again to the thought of having it other than within the mind. The amount of time it takes is showing how much I find them important even if we're not completely in love or married etc.

Anyways just be safe and smart and it really is no big deal. People just rush it because of social pressure, hormones, and natural curiosity coming at us like freight trains.

[Frigid Pink]

As far as people who "frown about" certain types of sex in certain types of situations, well, that's basically representative of their sexual values, and you have to figure out what your sexual values are and then act accordingly to what feels best for you and how you want to live your life.

I highly recommend this article:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/more-on-sexual-values-questions-to-ask-yourself-before-embarking-on-sex/

[Capslock Cadet]

Many others have mentioned the whole "virginity is a social construct" thing, so I'm gonna skip that and just get right into general advice.

Basically, having sex because you're curious isn't a bad thing at all. I think we often see these warnings about "don't rush to get it over with" etc. which is easy to confuse with doing it out of curiosity. As long as it's consensual, and you feel safe with whomever it is you do the do with, it's all cool.

My first sexual experiences were with a trusted friend. It was kind of out of curiosity, now that I think about it. Anyway. We could just have fun with it and try small things on different occasions, so I could explore what I felt comfortable with. I could also trust that they wouldn't try to push me further than I wanted to go. And it was great. So I can totally recommend it. For me it helped me figure out a lot about my boundaries and asexuality.

[Maeve]

Sounds like you have the right approach, actually. You're curious, you're an adult, you seem to have given this a lot of thought and have even discussed this at length with a close friend who is willing to share your first time with you. I'd say you have a wonderful opportunity to explore your sexuality in a safe, healthy way. Good for you!

[Jason_Hunt]

Life is short. Not doing something you want to do is unhealthy. You may regret one day. Let yourself loose and do what you want to do. Don't care about what other people's perception about you is. You own your own life. They don't. :)

[Sally]

I suppose society does have this thing where your first time needs to be with someone significant

I don't think that's the case. Your first time only seems significant beforehand; it really doesn't need to be thought of that way and usually isn't, afterward.

[Telecaster68]

It is an odd one. Losing your virginity is wrapped up in lots of romanticism as a rite of passage, but almost no-one's first time was all that (though as it happens, mine was, for various reason!). Nobody believes it, but the myth persists from when it was all about ownership and paternity.