When people say 'I want a baby'

[Truth and Lies]

My reaction from seeing a baby compared to seeing a kitten or a puppy is completely different. With human babies, I grimace at the mere mention of them. I twitch when I hear them cry, even on a T.V. I look at them, and I see absolutely nothing in them that is adorable or cute or lovable or any of the other affectionate adjectives people latch onto babies.

Now, when I see kittens or puppies, I am all gushy and going "awwwww" and praising how cute they are in manners and appearance. I absolutely adore them both, though I'm definitely more partial to cats because I can't stand the thought of picking up after dogs (nope, my hand is not going in that bag to pick that up). A cat can bite me, scratch me, throw up on the carpet, do their business on the carpet, bring me half-dead or half-eaten rats and birds, and I will still love them at the end of the day.

Suffice to say, I should probably be kept far away from human children. I cannot and will not take care of them.

Really... it's just what each person wants for their life. As for me, I am very happy with my cats, thank you very much.

[Dreysander]

Babies make the noise that they do for a reason, it's meant to elicit feelings of urgency in their caregivers. That's why crying babies make people feel uncomfortable.

Don't like the noise? Make the baby happy and stop the noise.

[Autumn Season]

I believe I would be a "good mother" and if I would ever marry I'd be a "good wife". Simply because I have a gentle personality and able to take on a bit of responsibility as well as love the people around me. However I don't wanna. And if any of it happens it will have to be on my terms. Currently I find adoption to be an achievable option. Then again I would rather have (just) pets than a baby.

While I can comprehend why people would find children lovable, I also see their annoying qualities. Furthermore I would want to give my children the best possible life, which is a lot of stress for myself. And what about the father? For some reason it seems to me like the children having a father would add much more to my responsibilities than remove the workload.

I cannot understand how a female bodied person can want her own child enough to not mind childbirth. It's definitely a thing I'd like to avoid.

And then there's the problem that whenever somebody mentions me having a child, I find their words highly invasive. Even if my SO talked with me about this topic, I would be repulsed. Maybe if I decided to have children first, I could then talk about it with my SO.

Then I'd like to talk about the people, mostly parents who guilt-trip others into having offspring. They don't make sense. In fact I find it insulting how they try to force their ideals on others.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Babies have a "smell"? You learn something new everyday... But saying that I've never even held a baby so it's not exactly a surprise.

[Poole]

I save meaningful things. I've saved childhood books and stuffed toys with the idea that I'd give them to my future children. This was before I had any motherliness to me, from my older child to teenage years, and before I knew I was asexual. Having children back then seemed like a natural course to head into and I didn't want to donate these things that I could share and enjoy with my own children one day.

Furthermore, unfortunately I've never had the youthful experience of feeling invincible. I realized as a child, quite morbidly one day while watching Wile E. Coyote continuously fall into the canyon undyingly, that life's not like this. I had the striking thought that I would die one day and be gone forever. Fast forward several years ahead and my second reason for wanting a child is to carry on my "legacy" after I die even if they themselves are my legacy. So I wanted genetically related offspring.

It wasn't until my personality matured, I became more responsible, moved into my 20s, and gained experience in my volunteering and employment working with young children that I realized that I love children. I want to have a career where I can work with children. I felt genuine motherly feelings. I felt confident I'd be capable of looking after a child. The previous two wants--or rather fancies--have gone out the window and been replaced by an emotional desire to have the joy of raising a wonderful child. I have absolutely no urge to reproduce. When I see someone else's child I do sometimes think 'I'd like to have one too'. I do want to "have" a child except in that I want to raise one not in that I want to birth one. But I want the child to be biologically mine (options: sex, surrogate, sperm donor?) and preferably raised with a partner and therein are my two hurdles. A third hurdle that I am certain will change will be my financial stability as I am a 25 year-old graduate student. After a get a career going.

[MaxAmoeba]

I detest them to the very core. Never had any 'instinctive-maternal-hormone-pumping-feeling' to have one. Never!

[m4rble]

"Furthermore, unfortunately I've never had the youthful experience of feeling invincible. I realized as a child, quite morbidly one day while watching Wile E. Coyote continuously fall into the canyon undyingly, that life's not like this. I had the striking thought that I would die one day and be gone forever. Fast forward several years ahead and my second reason for wanting a child is to carry on my "legacy" after I die even if they themselves are my legacy."

Yeah, I remember contemplating my mortality when I was seven years old.

[UncommonNonsense]

I'm a cat person and a rat person... not a baby person. I don't find babies all that cute. I also cannot deal with the diaper thing. I'm really not interested in any creature that can't manage its own ablutions by itself (also the reason I'm not a dog person). And I absolutely cannot deal with the constant drooling, babies' habit of putting everything in their mouths, and spit-up either. Saliva and vomit really, really gross me out (another reason I'm not a dog person... drool).

I know this sounds kind of bad, but the voices of small children are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. There's just something about the high, piping, usually too loud sound of their voices that just triggers off my sensory integration problems like nothing else. And when a kid gets whiney, it drives me crazy! A whining kid can make me envision violence faster than anything else.. I'd never hurt a kid, but when I hear a kid whining at a store, my thought is usually "Someone please stuff a sock down that little shit's gullet and shut it the hell up!". Whining makes me crazy and furious in pretty equal measure. And kids whine... A *lot*. So it really is better for all concerned that I not be a parent.

Kids don't really become interesting to me until they're able to communicate well and think about deeper concepts... If a kid is very, very bright, I'll enjoy talking to him or her, but I've never found most kids all that interesting, even when I was a kid myself.

Granted, there's no danger of me ever giving birth. I'm happily sterile, joyously barren. I had a hysterectomy at 26.

[EmsanQ]

I have always wanted babies (or more like... One baby. More than one would probably get a bit hard and stressful)

I don't know why, it just... I guess I just have strong motherly urges or whatever? I had a cat who would always relax when I carried her, and I would automatically start doing that thing where you rock the baby in your arms. Only it was a cat and not a baby. I have been a babysitter several times to a five year old boy and he is super cute and nice and it is loads of fun. Sometimes a bit too much but still just adorable. I love telling him stories and stuff.
He was afraid of the dark and I have a necklace that grows in the dark, so he got to wear it and he said it made him feel safe (too cute >3<)

Yeah, they're annoying and loud and poop and scream and may puke or pee at you. But they grow up. I think I like thought of having a child more than a baby to be honest. Like around school-age ish. I'd be able to help against bullies and watch their interests develop and help them explore the world and feel safe and happy :) If school is their thing I would help out, if not I'd support them in whatever else they'd set their mind to. Bad grades but awesome at soccer? You go! Okay grades but really just wants to make art? It's okay, you can stay home to art once in a while.

And once they become teenagers and everything feels confusing and scary? It's okay, momma's here to explain what the hell taxes are. Don't worry about your lovelife (or lack of it). Don't worry if you don't know what to do yet. You're gonna be fine.


Not that I'd like a baby right now. I'm only 19, I'd like to educate myself and hopefully get a job first. But if I find a nice person and such? Yeah, sure.
Why not.

Also it would be very fascinating to see what genes I would pass on :D

[Sunshiney]

From the age of 10 or so I started telling my mom I never wanted to have children. I've never ever felt the urge to have one. My sister is 9 1/2 years younger than me so that may have a tiny bit to do with it. My sister has a daughter and when she was younger I used to babysit her. Some days I was very happy when my sister would return and I could go home. But generally I enjoyed spending time with her and teaching her. Newborns to me are not cute and I really don't like holding them. 2-6 years were, for the most part, fun and entertaining. I haven't really seen her much since then though because my sister moved further away and things happen.

I don't like drool, I don't like changing diapers, I don't like how messy they are when they eat, I can't handle when someone throws up. I'll keep my cats and be happy. No dogs, dogs require too much work and they drool/slobber.

Also, the world is getting too crazy. I grew up when in the summer we could be gone all day on our bikes and no one cared, we just had to be home by dark. I've read articles of parents getting in trouble for that kind of thing now. Glad I grew up when I did, I wouldn't want to raise a child in this world now.

[Ace of Amethysts]

I never want kids. Nothing else here, edited out.

[shockkkk]

They're cute and adorable until you actually have to take care of them.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Please keep them at least ten feet from me. :)

I don't find them cute, nor do I want to hold them. It's actually a fear of mine that someone I know or who is in my family will have one and then expect me to be part of its life...babysit it, be a godmother to it, hold it or talk to it. No. I don't feel it's my duty or obligation to do those things just because you decided to procreate. That probably sounds pretty harsh but I hate the expectations that come along with this kind of happening.

So obviously I don't want any of my own. I don't even want pets, and I freaking love dogs! So cute. But, at least for the foreseeable future, I really need to focus on learning how to take care of myself. I have to get into a position to actually live my life instead of being afraid of it or something. And once that is accomplished I wouldn't want to ruin it by tying myself down with a kid. I even think about this in regards to partners - sometimes they can really hold you back. I am in groups with lots of other women, and watch videos from a lot of women and the thing I keep hearing most is husband-this or my kids-that and usually it's alongside an explanation of why they can't do something. Not a life I wanna live. I don't wanna baby-proof my house (ok my future house hah) or feel like I can't have something I really want because of a baby.

[Meowton]

I don't want kids and never wanted any (I even thought that when I was 4 years old). So whether asexuality had an affect on it or not, I'm unsure. I don't know if people gain that want when they're 4 though or such. I'm also non-binary which I believe has an influence on it (The thought of being a biological parent makes me very uncomfortable), I'd never want to go through it. And I just see it as something to me as rather hard and time-consuming, I'm interested in my education/career and have never been interested into getting into any kind of sexual/romantic relationship or having kids and I feel rather repulsed when thinking about them.

[caitynicole]

I have never, not once in the 25 years of my life, wanted to have a baby. Despite the constant backlash I face from my parents (who still to this day are convinced that I will change my mind eventually), or my relatives, or friends... whatever. I just don't have that desire. The idea of pregnancy literally repulses me. It makes me queasy. I used to entertain the idea of adoption (adopting a child over the age of 4), but that idea vanished pretty much immediately after the birth of my niece. It was amazing how that little inkling of maternal desire disappeared entirely and immediately after my niece was born. It was like the love that I felt on instinct towards her satisfied it all. And that's the thing, I've always loved children. I taught Sunday School back when I was religious, I worked at summer camps as a counselor, I worked in youth programs in my community, babysat all throughout high school, most of my cousins have multiple kids and I love running around with them. Kids fascinate me, the way they see the world is magic to me. But... I definitely don't want one of my own. People call me selfish, tell me that motherhood is the ultimate of what I should be striving towards as a woman in my 20's... but that's utterly ridiculous. It would be selfish of me to bring a child into this world when I didn't want it.

Babies are great when you can give them back.

[Wiseja1987]

I've never wanted children, never felt that need. It's more likely to do with the fact that I have 5 younger siblings, though. I was expected to help out a lot, and I feel like I've already raised children to some extent.

I love my little nephew to death, but children in general make me feel tired.

[The Maple Leaf Forever]

It's not that I don't like them, but I prefer being around older kids and being on the neurotic side, I wince when I hear a baby crying.

Puppies and kitties, on the other hand, are irresistible to me. <3 :) <3 :) <3

[Otakon]

I want a large family. If it'll ever happen depends on whether or not I find a woman who's mother/family material.

[Afraidofbeingalone]

"I hate kids,I don't think I can take care of one,I don't wan't any, I think my defect of a genome that causes a predisposition towards mental illness is better left not spreading and lastly I am unable to get sexually aroused by anyone and see no point to sex so please drop the subject"

What I said the last time my mother said she wanted grandchildren

[jellibette]

Hmm... my attitude towards 'having a baby' has always been as a step to 'having a family', which I do want. I think I would be as happy if I adopted an older child or even was in a solid poly relationship, but maybe babies will work out instead. I grew up with a lot of younger cousins so caring for babies and little kids is normal to me, and I acknowledge that it becomes your life, but it's not something I particularly fear. Apart from the exploding diapers... those stick with you. Still, that's still a while away for me.

[Sisky]

Like pretty much everything, having babies is something other people do. If you want one, great. Just be aware of what you're getting yourself into and be responsible about it. It's your life (and that of your child, so you better not ruin it).

I don't think it has that much to do with my sexual orientation and more with the fact that I couldn't handle the crapton of various overloads that come with children, and I'm not going to have anything grow inside my body that doesn't belong there.

I don't like babies, sometimes I like children if they're reasonably calm and quiet and I can interact with them in a way that feels like I'm talking to an actual person.

[El-not-so-ace]

I think toddlers are wayyy more adorable than babies... <3 They're so cute when they're not grumpy! I've always had animals so I feel like my maternal urges have gone down quite a bit. Animals, after all, stay in that cute stage their entire lives unlike kids that turn into little jerks later. :P Hehe

[andreas1033]

Like i said before, babies effect you all in a way virtually none of you know.

Its nout to do with your 5 senses, lol

I will say this again, the main reason babies effect you has nout to do with anything with regard to your 5 senses, lol. Its just that most people have no concious idea of it.

But most people get suckered into being broody after going near one, lol

I am just glad being asexual i will never be bringing anyone into this world. Give me an animal any day.

Like i said before, no one should breed after 30, in my thread elsewhere.

[Rising Sun]

I think toddlers are wayyy more adorable than babies... <3 They're so cute when they're not grumpy! I've always had animals so I feel like my maternal urges have gone down quite a bit. Animals, after all, stay in that cute stage their entire lives unlike kids that turn into little jerks later. :P Hehe

I agree, toddlers are the cutest, they're the best age

[Salted Karamel]

I cannot understand how a female bodied person can want her own child enough to not mind childbirth. It's definitely a thing I'd like to avoid.

This so much.

And whenever male-bodied persons talk about how much they want kids, a little part of me can’t help but twitch at how "selfish" they’re being, that they’re so excited about something that is going to be a huge amount of pain for someone else. Like, of course you want kids when someone else gets to gestate and birth them (and sometimes there’s the expectation that they’ll raise them for you, too)! That’s like me saying I really love going grocery shopping but I also know while I'm saying this that I’m going to expect my partner to carry 200lbs of groceries back to the house on his back and not let him use a car and that doesn’t bother me or dampen my enthusiasm for grocery shopping at all. Pack those liters of soda on there; it’s all about me and what I get out of it!

Granted, I know that’s not necessarily the mindset. I’m sure there are lots of guys who are sensitive to the reality that a woman has to go through a lot of trouble and pain to get them some kids, and even more guys who expect to contribute equally to the childrearing. At least, I am under the impression that that's more of the landscape these days, but I had no examples like that to look to growing up.

But I just can’t help but twitch.

See, my extended family was filled with asshole men who used their wives for reproduction only and mistreated them horribly after that—some of them physically abusive to their wives, some of them sexually abusive toward the children, some alcoholics, some drug addicts, and all of them believing that divorce is taboo and women can't survive without husbands. Even the few "good" men in my family just had those subtly sexist ideas of their wives being subservient to them and serving the primary purpose of being wives and mothers instead of their own people. And the women who weren't married to the abusive guys still had those notions of women only really being meant for breeding, and just happened to have chosen guys who didn't beat or molest anyone. So I was also brought up to believe that I would simply find a man, get married, have kids, and then be a housewife and mother. They didn't even plan for me to go to college because it was "a waste of money." So, I've had to develop a lot of resistance to that paradigm on my own, and break out of it with no support from my family to even get to where I am now, which is only moderately successful but thankfully, finally, financially independent and not relegated to the role of anyone's most prized cow.

I'm sure that heavily affects my stance on serving society as a breeder.

To answer the question, though, the idea of raising a child appeals to me but not the idea of having a child. I am not sex-averse, but the ideas of pregnancy, childbirth, and dealing with an infant are strong disincentives to me ever having a child. (Obviously, there is also the matter of finding a partner, and being incompatible with almost everyone on Planet Earth for various reasons.) The ideas of surrogacy and adoption make me somewhat more open to it. It would be cool for a child to have my genetics but it is not a must for me. Rather, the only thing that really might sway me more toward childbirth than adoption is the idea of raising the kid "from scratch" and being able to influence its habits and whatnot from the beginning rather than trying to enforce and break habits in a 4-year-old or something. I do have a nephew and I look forward to being able to guide him and influence his life in a significant way—probably when he's much older, old enough to think for himself and not simply parrot what his own parents have taught him to be the way of the world, because I'm not totally sure yet that they're not on the path of raising More Of The Same and that makes me sad.

As for how I think my ace-spectrumness might factor into all of that? Probably just makes me focus more on the practical pros and cons of having a child, especially since I may or may not ever have a partner in the equation.

Also I am a 31 year old woman if that contextualizes anything for you. If there's some supposed "magic age" where a switch flips in the female brain and they suddenly become maternal baby-cravers, I believe I am supposed to already have passed it. And...nope, still no switch over here.

[shilo]

When I was younger I was 100% sure that I would never want children. However when I was around 21 I started thinking that having a baby wouldn't be so bad. Now, at 23 I think I would like a baby eventually, maybe in my 30's. :)

[Ace of Amethysts]

Like pretty much everything, having babies is something other people do. If you want one, great. Just be aware of what you're getting yourself into and be responsible about it. It's your life (and that of your child, so you better not ruin it).

I don't think it has that much to do with my sexual orientation and more with the fact that I couldn't handle the crapton of various overloads that come with children, and I'm not going to have anything grow inside my body that doesn't belong there.

I don't like babies, sometimes I like children if they're reasonably calm and quiet and I can interact with them in a way that feels like I'm talking to an actual person.

This. :)

[Philip027]

But other people my age, when confronted with a newborn human, seem to feel an intense biological desire to 'have one'.

For me, the effect is opposite.

There's some days where I can actually be okay with the idea of potentially having a kid someday with my current partner. But then I'm confronted with someone else's kid(s), and then I'll just be like "oh, god... what the hell was I thinking?"

[Peachyy]

Hey everyone,

'Lyrics' here :)

How do other asexuals (particularly young women) feel towards babies?

Don't get me wrong, I like babies, and I certainly hope to raise a family one day.

But other people my age, when confronted with a newborn human, seem to feel an intense biological desire to 'have one'.

This is totally different from the way I admire babies, as I do kittens and puppies. It's nothing like my abstract wishes to bring up children. I don't think I experience this evolutionary urge...this is all sounding very familiar! Could it be a side effect of asexuality?

Thanks!

I've never wanted to conceive and give birth to my own biological children. Babies are the only age of children I feel comfortable around (ages 3-7 and we're defcon 1, very disastrous, if you could imagine). However I do not get the same cuddles & kisses feeling for human babies that I do for my pet rats or dog; I'd sooner feel bubbly and warm over a fish, than a child. I don't have contempt for children or anything, but I have serious plans to make my body as sterile as possible because I have never aspired to be a parent or give birth to anything.

[Fjording]

No I don’t particularly want a baby. No I don’t hate babies, or children. I can look at a baby, adore it and still not want one for myself; because I am a sentient being. The way I see it, this matter is entirely tied up with ingrained social expectations of behaviour. No really. If you want to start a family, that’s fantastic. Have a baby, adopt, whatever. However if you do, you should be conscious of your decision, desire and ability to raise a child. This isn’t the candy store. Your internal biology saying “you gotta” - yeah that’s made up.

When I was a kid, I heard a lot of things explained with “biological urges” and “innate tendencies”. Especially when it came to gender dynamics, and people’s “instinct” to do this and that excusing certain behaviours. In essence; sexist, racist psuedo-science presented as fact.

I’d never claim people don’t have instincts, because of course we do. We have needs, compulsions, gut feelings, the so-called sixth sense, and so on. But we’re not cavemen anymore. Don’t teach my brother it’s his duty as a man to provide for a family all by himself, and don’t teach my sister it’s her biological imperative to carry and nurture children.

Lastly; in the general case, a person’s sexuality (including asexuality) has nothing to do with whether they want to have children. As for whether they actually have said children, the numbers could probably concide for aces. For example, it would be a factor if you consider asexuals less likely to have accidental pregnancies; since many aren’t having sex. Then again this isn’t only true for asexuals. Keep in mind, correlation does not imply causation.

That's my two cents, anyway :)