I dont know how to tell my parents

[GamerGirlBoy]

Hello! I am a boy that feels like a girl and likes boys and girls. I have had all my questions answered about my sexuality and the last thing i need to do is tell my parents. I tryed telling my mom before and she said i dident show any signs of be this and she asked if i liked playing with dolls and i said no cause i dont. But then she asked if i liked boys and i said no even though i do cause i was scared. And she asked if any one said i was gay at school and i said yes even though it wasent true so then she said you just thought you were gay and i said ya even though it wasent true cause i was scared.

So now I dont know how to tell her and im afraid still but i need to tell her so i can take stuff to block testosterone and bring in estrogen. Does any one have advice on how to tell them cause its really hard.

[Kappamaki]

(Mods, can we please move this to the Gender Forum?)

First of all, congratulations for finding out your gender and sexuality! That's no small feat! It took me until my early 20s to do that.

I'm so sorry that your mom didn't take your first attempt at coming out well. Trying to talk you out of being trans is stupid of her - she can't debate your gender away. And all her logic is stupid, too. Being called gay doesn't make anyone think they're gay. Being gay isn't the same thing as being trans. Being a gay guy isn't the same as being a girl. Playing with dolls isn't the same as being a girl. And feeling scared is not a thing you should be feeling when coming out. (I don't mean that in a "It was wrong of you to be scared" way, but in a "It shouldn't have been scary" way.)

I have three suggestions for what to do:

1) Educate yourself! This means reading about transgender things on the Internet in places like AVEN's gender forum, where you should please ask as many questions as you want. This way, you'll grow more confident when talking about transgender things. And also, you'll sound more knowledgeable (and be more knowledgeable) so your parents will know you aren't making a mistake.

2) Find a trans-friendly ally in meatspace. Like a counselor at school or someone like that. Someone you can talk to and who can help you out. A person like this can help you come out to your parents, help you find other allies, and help you with doctors and medicine.

3) Maybe instead of a conversation, try coming out in a letter. There are a lot of advantages to using a letter! With a letter, you can take as much time as you need to making sure you say exactly what you want to say. You can't be interrupted or get nervous and forget what you're saying. You can give the letter to someone like in #2 before giving it to your parents to get advice for improving it. And your parents can spend time with the letter without you there, taking their time to figure this out.

I don't know your parents, so I can't say how they'll take things or what sort of people they are. But most parents love their kids and want them to stay safe and get frightened by something like this because it's a sudden step into the unknown. It makes sense for their instincts to be to try to keep their kids away from this scary unknown. These instincts are wrong, but not necessarily malicious. As your parents grow more educated and as you explain things to them, hopefully they'll come to see that this is the best path for you and that being trans is something to be celebrated. I mean, it's wonderful that you can be who you are.

Does anyone else have anything to add?

[SkyWorld]

I'm sorry to hear that your mom didn't take it too well... Kappamaki has some really great advice, so I'm afraid I don't really have much else to add. I just hope that you stay safe. If you don't feel safe about coming out, there's no shame in that. Do what's best for you.

Modly note: Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Gender Discussion.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Moderator

[Evren]

I'm really sorry about your parents, they get confused and scared and don't know how to handle things, but it still sucks. Your very brave for coming out to your mom in the first place.

I don't have to much to add to Kappamaki's advice, just stay strong and feel free to message me if you need anything.

[Heart]

3) Maybe instead of a conversation, try coming out in a letter. There are a lot of advantages to using a letter! With a letter, you can take as much time as you need to making sure you say exactly what you want to say. You can't be interrupted or get nervous and forget what you're saying. You can give the letter to someone like in #2 before giving it to your parents to get advice for improving it. And your parents can spend time with the letter without you there, taking their time to figure this out.

Kappa has it pretty much covered, the only thing I would add is to consider adding a youtube video or two in that letter if you end up writing it. Granted, this works better with an email or typed letter, so you can just copy/paste it, but you can write out the URL too if it's hand-written. But one way or another, short youtube videos are good resources because they are visual, easily watched, and don't take much time. In that step where you're educating yourself, remember to put away those good sources in your back pocket to offer to your parents. You're not the only one that may need to look up resources, so it's always a good idea to help them with that, make sure they get started on the right path. You can also print off articles for them, if they are more likely to read those than watch a youtube video.

Start with short, easy things for your parents. This is all likely very new to them. If you're confused, think of how confused they must be, never having experienced what you're trying to tell them exists! Patience is key, but if they are willing to listen, then there's always hope.

Oh, and one more thing. We're always here for you. There may be days when you just need to rant or let loose a bit, when you need to reassure yourself that you're not wrong, that you're not weird or broken or anything like that. The gender forum is here, and there's also a forum called Tea and Sympathy, which is explicitly for that kind of "I need sympathy right now" time. We offer a support network, so use us whenever you need us! :)

[GamerGirlBoy]

Thanks for all your replays im definetly gonna use all your guys advice to tell my parents and by the way they have nothing against gay,trans,bysexual,etc. my mom just thought i was confusied and i just thought i was boy that feels like a girl and likes boys and girls (still dont know what to call my sexuality) even though i knew i was making a mistake and i just went along with what she thought cause i was scared. But know im gonna tell her and my dad that i am and esure them that im not making any mistakes cause im not. Thanks again

[Emery.]

(still dont know what to call my sexuality)

Bi- or pan- with the type of attraction you feel, e.g. -sexual, -romantic, -sensual etc.

E. g. bisexual, panromantic...

When you say "pan" it's more "all genders" instead of "men and women", but it's less popular. Many people understand "doesn't care for gender of their partner" under "bi" too.

[Ace_Kat]

Coming out can be difficult, because you would never know how the person will react. The best way to come out to a person would be to go to a place where it is just you and them (your bedroom for example). You would both sit down and say that you want to talk, no interruptions. The you would simply say "I am ___". If your mother is calm about this and asks good questions, then it's all good. If your mother starts to freak out hysterically, then walk away, you don't have to deal with that. A person should come out in a quiet, safe environment, with just you and the person or people you are telling them your true identity. If your mother will not accept that, just remember your identity is always valid.