TooOldForThis Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I've noticed a fair number of asexuals on here are polyamorous, but it often seems to be more out of convenience or perceived necessity than out of preference - like they choose to try out polyamory because it seems like a way to deal with mixed relationships, and that sort of thing. I know that regardless of who my partners are/what sexual orientations they have, I definitely want all of us to be onboard with polyamory. Which, yes, can make relationships more difficult, but it's important to me. So I wanted to know - how many folks on here are into polyamory just because they prefer it? Link to post Share on other sites
Flyaway4me Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I consider it an orientation, but I have been in happy monogamous relationships before.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cimmerian Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I don't know if I would say that I prefer it, but I'm interested in it. I can go either way and be happy-- it just depends on the unique relationship I'd be dealing with. I like the idea of the dynamic and support that can come from more than one romantic partner, but I don't require it. And I'm personally not interested in polyamory merely as a solution to mixed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisie Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I have been poly for many years, and actually have two husbands. Both live with me full time, one I've been with 25 years, the other we are in our fifth year together. It is something that I have enjoyed, as I feel strongly that a person can have multiple people in their life with good communication. The trouble comes when one partner is wired for poly, the other mono, and someone has to make a compromise. If a person feels uncomfortable at the thought of multiple love interests, then it may not be the best choice. It works when all participants are on board. Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Although I'm in a mixed relationship, our decision to be poly had nothing to do with sexual incompatibility (we just came to understand and genuinely like the idea of poly). After a few years, I'm pretty hardcore poly. I'm not interested in going back to monogamy under any circumstance. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I don't do monogamous relationships. It's got nothing to do with my asexuality, I just don't like monogamy and the baggage that tends to come with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I've considered myself poly before I even knew the word asexual and I definitely prefer open/poly relationships. They fit my interests and dating style better and I feel trust and communication are more openly discussed and obtained in poly relationships, which is important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
WispyFae Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I've always been polyamorous as far as I can remember (always felt like I would regret dating someone because I liked another person just as much) and first identified as polyamorous when I found myself in love with two of my best friends at the same time. Turn out they were interested in each other but not in me (we're still best friends, I've always been like their little sibling so we have a family bond). I tried a monogamous relationship with a straight man at the beginning of the year and it was a complete disaster - I felt trapped, misunderstood and since he was refused categorically to accept some parts of my identity, polyamorous being one, we went our separate ways. There's just so many nice and beautiful people out there that could make me happy, I feel awful trying to choose who's going to be "the one", so I prefer polyamory. Link to post Share on other sites
pegasusoftraken Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I used to think I could be happy either way in a polyamorous or monogamous relationship. But now think I'm wired only for polyamory. The idea of loving and being loved by only one person doesn't come intuitively to me. Even if I was dating an asexual and we were perfectly compatible, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with monogamy, it;s just too constraining for me. I think the relatively high number of poly aces might have something to do with polyamory being more openly discussed and so more aces are aware of it. Aven is also an accepting place of different orientations/relationship styles, and so perhaps more people feel okay being out here than among the rest of society. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I don't do monogamous relationships. It's got nothing to do with my asexuality, I just don't like monogamy and the baggage that tends to come with it. This. Both relationships I've been in were open/poly from day one, and I wouldn't have entered them otherwise. I see the spectrum from mono to polyflexible to polyamorous as relationship orientations. Even though I think I'm probably completely through with the topic of partner relationships now, I'll still remain poly - a polyamorous, single/celibate asexual. There's no conflict between these labels whatsoever - the two framing ones are orientations, the one in the middle is a behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I don't really see poly as orientation because by nature I'm extremely possessive. My poly mindset is *by choice* and it's only been doing me good so far. EDIT: Strictly speaking that makes me poly-flexible. But from my experiences, I expect that's actually what most people are when it comes to pure "instinct". Link to post Share on other sites
Lbug Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I am definitely wired as a poly person - it is part of my identity. I realized this several years into my marriage, which was strangely liberating! It took me a while longer to learn about the asexual orientation. A friend told me during an extremely personal conversation that he had always considered himself asexual, but was considering the fact he might be bisexual. I thought about it, and did a flip flop of him - maybe asexual was more accurate than bi for me. I have always desired romantic relationships, and my family still teases me about my high school graduation (I had 4 guys at my open house/ ceremony that I either had dated/was dating /they followed me everywhere). The knowledge that my relationship didn't need sex or intimate touching was a relief to me, but confusing to my partners. I'm still working out details with my partners, especially my husband I live with. But I have learned within this last year that I am much happier with multiple romantic relationships and the knowledge that sex isn't necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Thanks for all the replies! It's interesting to see different people's takes on polyamory here. I wonder what percentage of AVENites are poly? Maybe I'll make a poll. Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I think my (sexual) husband was surprised by my ready acceptance of his proposal to shift to a polyamorous relationship. We also became poly before I identified and came to terms with my asexuality, and honesty and communication have always been core to our relationship. Truth be told I'm only upset that I didn't consider being polyamorous when I was much younger. I fell in love often as a teenager and struggled with the cultrual mythos about monogamous love, living in perpetual guilt from feeling romantically about more than one person when everything and everyone were telling me that only one of my connections was "real" and the others had to be lies or wrong choices. Now that I'm much older and more experienced, and I'm living in a foreign country with linguistic and cultural walls between me and most of the people I interact with, and sex is off the table, I feel like my choices have shrunk exponentially. My husband is adorable when he's falling in love, and I'm chomping at the bit to experience another partner, but because of our current circumstances, neither of us have had any real chance to explore new relationships recently. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Truth be told I'm only upset that I didn't consider being polyamorous when I was much younger. I fell in love often as a teenager and struggled with the cultrual mythos about monogamous love, living in perpetual guilt from feeling romantically about more than one person when everything and everyone were telling me that only one of my connections was "real" and the others had to be lies or wrong choices. Now that I'm much older and more experienced, and I'm living in a foreign country with linguistic and cultural walls between me and most of the people I interact with, and sex is off the table, I feel like my choices have shrunk exponentially. In my opinion someone who even has one healthy relationship at all can already be considered extremely fortunate. It's also why I'm okay with my single, sex-less (despite my strong sexual urges) relationship; I remember how much worse it was before. Link to post Share on other sites
fish of hearts Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 In my opinion someone who even has one healthy relationship at all can already be considered extremely fortunate. It's also why I'm okay with my single, sex-less (despite my strong sexual urges) relationship; I remember how much worse it was before. I can understand that point of view, especially for people who are naturally inclined to monogamy. But my husband and I have already spent most of our lives in closed relationships because we thought we had no choice, and, especially now that our relationship is better and healthier open, neither of us are going to be guilted back into forced monogamy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I can understand that point of view, especially for people who are naturally inclined to monogamy. But my husband and I have already spent most of our lives in closed relationships because we thought we had no choice, and, especially now that our relationship is better and healthier open, neither of us are going to be guilted back into forced monogamy. Having only a single relationship isn't the same as being mono. Honestly, for me the whole point of poly isn't to have several relationships, but simply to be open to the idea that I'm not the world to my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Dizzard Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 It sounds interesting to me. I was actually thinking the other day about what it would be like to live in a community of friends, not in a roommate sense but like a family sense. Although I don't know how you'd know if you were "wired that way". I mean the other orientations seem more straight forward (it's who you're sexually/romantically attracted to)....how do you know if you're poly? Is it like you don't feel comfortable unless you're in a deep serious relationship with more than one person? I think I'd say I'm more open to it than anything else, but who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 Although I don't know how you'd know if you were "wired that way". I mean the other orientations seem more straight forward (it's who you're sexually/romantically attracted to)....how do you know if you're poly? Is it like you don't feel comfortable unless you're in a deep serious relationship with more than one person? Nah. I've been in long-term relationships with one person at a time, and I'm no less comfortable being single than most monogamous people, I think. It's probably different for different people. For me, it's a combination of the fact that when I'm in a relationship, I continue to develop romantic interests in people outside the relationship, and like to have the possibilty of pursuing those interests while remaining in my current relationship (and without cheating, obviously) - and I like my partners to have the same possibility, though whether they take it or not is of course completely up to them. I would not be comfortable in a relationship in which my partner was not okay with the idea of me having romantic relationships with other people. But again, it's different for everybody. Maybe some of the other folks here will add their two cents! Link to post Share on other sites
Notte stellata Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For me, it's a combination of the fact that when I'm in a relationship, I continue to develop romantic interests in people outside the relationship, and like to have the possibilty of pursuing those interests while remaining in my current relationship (and without cheating, obviously) - and I like my partners to have the same possibility, though whether they take it or not is of course completely up to them. I would not be comfortable in a relationship in which my partner was not okay with the idea of me having romantic relationships with other people. For me it's basically the same. I don't have to be in multiple relationships to be happy; I just don't like to put restrictions on love. A monogamous relationship would feel emotionally suffocating to me. Even if I only had one partner in a poly relationship, it would still feel very different from being in a mono relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
JAKQ7111 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For me, it's a combination of the fact that when I'm in a relationship, I continue to develop romantic interests in people outside the relationship, and like to have the possibilty of pursuing those interests while remaining in my current relationship (and without cheating, obviously) - and I like my partners to have the same possibility, though whether they take it or not is of course completely up to them. I would not be comfortable in a relationship in which my partner was not okay with the idea of me having romantic relationships with other people. For me it's basically the same. I don't have to be in multiple relationships to be happy; I just don't like to put restrictions on love. A monogamous relationship would feel emotionally suffocating to me. Even if I only had one partner in a poly relationship, it would still feel very different from being in a mono relationship. I am very much the same as both of you. I consider polyamory to be a huge facet of my romantic orientation, arguably even more so than the specific types of people/genders to which I feel that romantic attraction. I agree with the above people who say that polyamory is something likely innate, existing on a sliding spectrum much like other types of sexual and romantic orientations. I know people whom are strictly mono by orientation, strictly poly by orientation, and many others in between. Personally, I'm very very close to strictly poly, if not all the way on that far end, but I do believe it is a spectrum, like any other. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Although I don't know how you'd know if you were "wired that way". I mean the other orientations seem more straight forward (it's who you're sexually/romantically attracted to)....how do you know if you're poly? Is it like you don't feel comfortable unless you're in a deep serious relationship with more than one person? I think I'd say I'm more open to it than anything else, but who knows? I know I'm wired this way because there was nothing, nothing in the world that repulsed me more than the idea of there being a singular person out there that was "made" for me/to complete me and that I belonged, body and soul, to them (which is what they pushed on us when I was growing up, thank you fundamentalist religious community). Everything associated with traditional concepts of monogamy made my skin crawl and made no sense growing up. I don't need to be in multiple relationships. In fact, I'm totally happy with no relationships, but, if I am in a relationship, I cannot be the end-all, be-all of their life or their one and only. I'd rather be alone than with someone who wants me to be monogamous. Link to post Share on other sites
allrightalready Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 it is something i have done once though without any real formal agreement on it. most of my life it has been monogamy but i am reconsidering my options Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 but, if I am in a relationship, I cannot be the end-all, be-all of their life or their one and only. I'd rather be alone than with someone who wants me to be monogamous. My girlfriend is all of those things to me, and yet I wouldn't expect her to be monogamous. As a matter of fact, we do complement and complete each other to an extent that we have become different people due to our relationship, and removing each other would be like removing a part of ourselves. However, there's no way in which her having another relationship would threaten what's between us. TLDR: She's my "one and only", but we don't need to be monogamous for that to be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Mx.Jekyll Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 For me, it's a combination of the fact that when I'm in a relationship, I continue to develop romantic interests in people outside the relationship, and like to have the possibilty of pursuing those interests while remaining in my current relationship (and without cheating, obviously) - and I like my partners to have the same possibility, though whether they take it or not is of course completely up to them. I would not be comfortable in a relationship in which my partner was not okay with the idea of me having romantic relationships with other people. For me it's basically the same. I don't have to be in multiple relationships to be happy; I just don't like to put restrictions on love. A monogamous relationship would feel emotionally suffocating to me. Even if I only had one partner in a poly relationship, it would still feel very different from being in a mono relationship. THIS...everything I've tried to explain to others in words. I'm totally fine being in a relationship with only one person as long as the possibility of developing other relationships/connections exists. Being with one person that strictly only wants me to be with them is extremely suffocating. I don't ever have to pursue anyone else, but knowing my partner is okay if I do is what I need. It's a totally different feeling. It's acceptance and liberation and trust...not a cage. Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Shark Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 I am in one relationship right now. I would be ok with just this one or a second. But I am demiromantic so that would be hard to do. I have platonic relationships with others. I actually see them more than I see my bf. It's a strange thing. But we all aren't interested in a relationship other than friendship with one another. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilStorms Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Yeah, I spent a long time confused before coming to terms with this. I thought I had to be straight because I liked boys and was AFAB and I thought I could only ever love one. Love is hard anyway but being repressed made it worse. I would get a whole flurry of crushes at once, or get a new one while already in a relationship without my feelings for my existing partner lessening. I think I'd be happy in a poly relationship, but I'd prefer a polyfidelity-type setup. Also right now I'm just really lonely and wanting a(t least one) girlfriend... Link to post Share on other sites
Daisie Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I don't have to compulsively be in multiple relationships. Yes, I currently have two husbands, but I have considered myself separated from my first husband since 2009, and we would like to divorce after our 25 year run together. The point is that one's heart can be open to the possibility that one can love multiple people, and that love isn't a competition. Every love is different, and sometimes, new people drift into your life and you end up falling in love. This doesn't diminish your need for anyone else in your life. One can be polyamorous and still be living monogamously with a single partner. The philosophy just means that you are open to the possibility of multiple loves in your life (and that does NOT have to have anything to do with sex). A parent loves each child born to them in a unique way, but no love is any better than another. It is the same thing with partners. No one is any better than another. Each love is unique and important. Link to post Share on other sites
Betty Badinbed Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I like the idea of it. I would be quite happy if I had a partner who had sex with another partner, and still be in an intimate relationship with me, providing the third partner was also fine with it. This would seem to be the ideal solution for an ace relationship, knowing my partner can also have their sexual needs met. I look back on my life and know that jealousy doesn't affect me much, but I probably wouldn't need more than one relationship myself. I like my alone time, but would love my romantic needs to be met part time. I did have a sort of poly relationship in the past but it barely got off the ground. Met a guy who met me and another woman in the same week, and asked us both if he could date both of us. I lived out of town so only saw him about twice a month. It really suited my temperament - I was so happy with this arrangement. But it eventually ended when she became jealous of the little time he spent with me. (she was keen to have a child. I stepped out of the triangle and let them get on with it) Link to post Share on other sites
Unlabeled Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I've noticed a fair number of asexuals on here are polyamorous, but it often seems to be more out of convenience or perceived necessity than out of preference - like they choose to try out polyamory because it seems like a way to deal with mixed relationships, and that sort of thing. I know that regardless of who my partners are/what sexual orientations they have, I definitely want all of us to be onboard with polyamory. Which, yes, can make relationships more difficult, but it's important to me. So I wanted to know - how many folks on here are into polyamory just because they prefer it? I'm poly in large part because I know how having options is better than not having options. Plus, monogamy is objectively bad and sociologists have demonstrated for decades. It creates competition, greed, envy, lust, etc. And pretty much ensures infidelity. If you don't want partners cheating, don't tell them they can't. When we forbid things we only make them more desireable. Like that 1 remaining ciggy in the pack. Can put off having it for quite a while knowing it's there and when the nicotine craving's intense enough you can satisfy it. But when you're totally out it's all you think about. As with being in a relationship and knowing you can't avail yourself of an interested party, versus knowing you could but not availing yourself. :) Sharing is caring, and everyone belongs to everyone else said Huxley. :) Link to post Share on other sites
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