Come_Along_Pond Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 *Some mentions of sex* Right, so I'm pretty sure I'm a sex repulsed ace. I've never actually tried it, but I hate, hate, hate the thought and I kissed someone sober once and pretty much gagged. Anyway, so basically, I don't think being in a relationship is ever going to work unless I date a fellow asexual. So many people think even bad sex is a deal breaker, so what are they going to do with no sex at all? I can kiss far more easily if I'm drunk, so I thought about drinking before engaging in sex so I can deal with it more easily. Or maybe just try and grit my teeth and do it. Either not tell my partner I'm ace or pretend I'm just not fussed rather than repulsed. Has anyone else ever had experience with this? Are you worried about relationships too? It's just I'm going to have enough problems with anyone ever loving me without this in the mix too. If sex is what it takes, then... Link to post Share on other sites
sara89 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Once I read a clever quote, which in my opinion is true: It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. But I guess you have to make your own experience regarding this :). After my first relationship and some time on aven I tried another normal relationship, I even told the guy at the beginning that sex isn't important for me. He said that's okay. But of course he liked sex -maybe he was not that sex-driven as my first boyfriend- but still it was a conflict potential... I can't tell you if it had worked when other relationship-factors would have been perfect. I think it's not easy to bear to "fake it" for a long time. I couldnt't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Never, ever lie to a partner about your sexuality. Full stop. End of discussion. It doesn't work and pretending to like sex only ends up hurting both of you in the long run. There are dozens of threads here and in the sexual partners forum started by people who either did not know they were asexual, hid what they were, or were in relationships with the former. You might want to take a look at them. If you can't be honest and be yourself in a relationship, don't be in one. If you aren't capable of having sex, don't have it. Hold out for someone who's okay with no sex because doing anything that causes you serious emotional distress just to be with another person is only going to hurt you and make you resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
Akira Jumps Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I for one do not think it is a healthy mind set that you must intoxicate yourself before doing anything. If you have to go so far as that, I would suggest not doing it at all. As a solution, yes, dating another ace or sex-repulsed individual may help. However, there are also relationships that can be more open. Like, your partner can go outside of your relationship to have sex. Or you may have a poly-amorous relationship, involving more than you and another individual. I know those kinds of relationships are not for everyone, but they are always an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Do NOT hide it. That is a recipe for disaster. On both sides. If you are repulsed or not enjoying it, they'll notice. And on their side, some sexuals have come here talking about suicide being preferable to being stuck in a sexless marriage, or feeling like they are raping their partners by having sex knowing they dislike it, but didn't believe in divorce or otherwise felt stuck (finances, kids, etc). That is how severely not being honest could hurt a potential partner. And it would hurt YOU because you'd hate it and begin to resent your partner, could also seriously traumatize you. There are people out there that won't mind no sex. Just hold out until you find the RIGHT person, rather than taking the WRONG person just to have someone. It's better to be single than with someone incompatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 If you can't be honest and be yourself in a relationship, don't be in one. If you aren't capable of having sex, don't have it. Wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
Come_Along_Pond Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's not that I really mind being single, I'm okay with being alone for now. I just wonder if this is going to mean I have no choice in being alone forever. And if I do have someone, I don't want them to feel stuck with me. It might be easier to be in the relationship, withhold sex and tell them to run along now and find someone lovely to screw just as long as they're home in time for tea. I don't know why hiding it doesn't feel like a big deal to me, everyone else seems outraged. Idk, I'm pretty used to hiding important stuff. Partly because I'm lazy and partly because I don't want a therapy session and people tend to insist on it when you tell then something heavy. Or at least my ex-friend did. She would never just let something be. Anyway, digression over. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexisor Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I personally feel like not telling the person you're with will just cause to resent them afterwards or at least eventually. And who knows, maybe they would have been ok/accepting and you, in a way, took away their opportunity to be supportive and react to it in an accepting way. Though tbh I'm a bit idealistic but I still don't think it's a good idea hiding it until even afterwards. A healthy relationship is always about being open and you should at least give the person the opportunity for you two to find a solution that satisfies the both of you or at least part amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Do NOT hide it. That is a recipe for disaster. On both sides. If you are repulsed or not enjoying it, they'll notice. And on their side, some sexuals have come here talking about suicide being preferable to being stuck in a sexless marriage, or feeling like they are raping their partners by having sex knowing they dislike it, but didn't believe in divorce or otherwise felt stuck (finances, kids, etc). That is how severely not being honest could hurt a potential partner. And it would hurt YOU because you'd hate it and begin to resent your partner, could also seriously traumatize you. There are people out there that won't mind no sex. Just hold out until you find the RIGHT person, rather than taking the WRONG person just to have someone. It's better to be single than with someone incompatible. This sort of thing is what drives my asexuality home for me. I hear things like this and I can't even fathom how sticking things in other things can POSSIBLY be that important to anyone. It completely and totally confounds me that it's that important (I don't mean any disrespect at all! I'm genuinely that confused on the matter.) I realized I was asexual towards the end of my (miserable, terrible, no good, very bad) failed relationship. I hated sex (well I imagine I didn't hate it all the time but I never really wanted to do it, it was always his idea). Sex was, in his words, "very important". Towards the end I brought up the fact that some people don't like/need/want sex and don't experience sexual attraction and he said "there's something wrong with those people!" I had been trying to come out to him, but thought better of it. The relationship didn't last long after that. I'd rather "lie back and think of England" than feel obligated to enjoy it! Link to post Share on other sites
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