Am I Ace, or Just Too Young?

[Kaiah Aurora]

So I'm seventeen, and identify as pan-romantic asexual. However, I have no idea if my lack of interest in sex is because of my age (or my depression) and if I'll be more interested later on. Various adults in my life, including psychologists, have told me that I just haven't experienced sexual attraction yet because of my age. I don't know if this is just a phase, and I don't know how to identify because of it. I think my lack of romantic attraction is mostly because of my depression, but even with that I can't be sure. I'm hoping to find people who've had/are having similar experiences so we can compare notes.

[Amy Ghost]

Hello Kaiah!

That is not so young, and personally I don't believe thre is anything like too young. Everyone is different. Someone knows earlier and someone later. What should give you the best answer are you feelings. But of course, depression can play some role. Again, it just depends.

I am also depressed a lot, but I have been with someone before and it's been the same. The lack of sexual attractiona and interest in sex that is. I'm not interested and see people some differently.

I'd recommend reading some Q&A and if you can get a full book. Like for example Asexuality: A Brief INtroduction. It'S quite cheap on sites like Amazon and it was written by a real ace, it helped me quite some.

And for more detail we are all here for you.

[GoosePeelings]

I've heard that if you're old enough to question your sexuality you're old enough to be what you identify with, so yes, if you feel like you're an ace you are an ace.

[CosineTheCat]

You're not too young.

A lot of children start to exhibit sexual and romantic attraction at a young age (8-12), and if you feel that you've never experience that then there is no reason to use the too young phrase. I think the biggest things is that if you do ever experience is, don't block it out, and say "I am Only Asexual, therefore I cannot feel sexual attraction" if it happens it happens, if it does not, it doesn't. You're limiting yourself and that's not a good thing.

Welcome to AVEN as well, I see that this is your first post! I Knew from a time I was around 14 something was different in me, although I didn't know what the correct work was for it. It wasn't just after I turned 18 that I figured it out the word for it.

You're also from BC?!

[Amy Ghost]

No one is to tell you who you are. Only you

[Elluna Hellen]

You're seventeen though. Pretty sure that would be a bit late for the onset of sexual attraction. Then again, I am not one to speak as I still tell myself that it may just happen some day anyway and I'm 24 xD.

Really though, you're not too young to identify as asexual. You do not have to care what others have to say about it. The only person it takes to define your identity is YOU.

(besides, even if you do end up experiencing sexual attraction later on, there will be no harm done at all. Identifying as ace now does not mean that you are stuck with it. If you suddenly experience sexual attraction a while from now, you can just go 'whooops, I was wrong!' and identify as *insert hypothetical sexuality here* from then on!)

[MartyMcFly]

Hi there! Firstly, I'm 18!

Secondly, if it helps, I knew I was asexual when I was 13-14, and I've happily identified as one ever since.

So in my opinion, you are not too young at all. You may not know if it's because you're actually asexual or because of other things, but you don't have to stick to the label asexual once you call yourself once. Your feelings may change, and you may stop feeling that you're asexual. Feelings can change! My advice is: do whatever you feel comfortable with. People will support you all the way!

[Absol]

Hi Kaiah, welcome to AVEN!

I'm 18 now, but I've been identifying as asexual since I was 15, and might have identified sooner if I had heard of it sooner than that. I have seen two psychologists, and they both told me that I wasn't asexual, (cuz apparently asexuality isn't a thing -_-) and that my feelings would change over time/when I met the right person. So you're definitely not alone on that count.

By 17, most people would have probably felt some sexual attraction if they were going to feel it. Hell, a lot of people have had sex by 17! You're definitely old enough to identify as asexual if that is how you feel. Even if you do end up being a really late bloomer and eventually develop sexual attraction, there's no harm in saying you're asexual now, and reevaluating that label if you ever feel the need to. :)

[Guest]

You are never too young to find out about your sexuality, I knew i wasnt interested in sex/ felt sexual attraction when i was 17 nor did i desire a relationship, close friendship yes but nothing more then that and that didnt change over the years.

Back then ( i am talking about the 90's) they didnt have internet let be a computer in every household and little resources, asexuality wasnt being discussed at all, at least not in my enviroment so i never knew this thing even existed untill recently, we were taught about gay's/lesbians/bi's though but not about that for as far as i can remember.

So you can imagine how confusing it was for me not knowing what was wrong with me, not being able to talk about it and the fustration coming along with that so now im in my 30's i finally know what was bothering me all these years so i would say im happy that you are able to find this out at your age because i am sure that if i knew back then what i know now from reading about asexuality now it wouldve saved me alot of trouble and headaches.

[fish of hearts]

Welcome, Kaiah! ^_^

I'm very sorry to hear that psychologist are included in the list of adults who do not seem to be listening to your feelings. Psychology was my major, and as much as I love and defend the field, I will readily admit that too many people enter it with the idea that they will help others yet show no interest in the science and research side of it. Perhaps if they had done a bit more studying, they may have found that asexuality is being seriously studied as a proper orientation that deserves the same respect and protection as homosexuality, and that pressure to be or perform a in a way that is contrary to one's identiy can be psychologically damaging. I'm happy to report that not all therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists are this way, and if you require mental health asistance in the future, do keep searching for one of the good ones. (You may have to put your foot down and say, "I don't think we're a good fit; can you recommend another doctor/therapist?") I believe other threads have listed ace-friendly doctors and therapists. I'm hoping as neuroscience continues to push the softer psychological philosophies aside, finding appropriate help will be less of an issue. Someday...

I'm also an asexual that has struggled most of my life with several forms of depression (dysthymia, which is currently labelled persistent depressive disorder in the DSM-V; major depressive disorder recurrent; and seasonal affect disorder), though for me these may be interactive and comorbid (i.e., not three cleanly separate problems). In the past, periods of depression have seriously affected my moods and my senses; colors are not as bright, music is not as pleasant, food is always a variation of bland, etc. Considering that most people are not asexual, and that depression also suppresses sexual desire, it's not surprising that depression causing your lack of sexual interest would be considered a posibility. And, while it is rare, some people do experience their "sexual awakening" well after adolescence. However, if you have long passed puberty, I doubt the latter is the case. If you did not experience sexual desire after puberty and before this last depressive episode, excluding asexuality would be premature.

It is also very important to consider that the pressure to be sexual or to identify as such may be contributing to your depression. It has for me several times in my life before discovering what asexuality was and that I might be asexual.

One important question some sexologists ask is "Is your lack of sex or sexual desire causing you distress?" Note that this is different from asking whether pressure from others is causing you distress. If so, you may be a sexual person who is suffering from your current lack of desire. If not, you may be asexual, and as far as your sexuality is concerned there is, of course, nothing to fix.

Virtual hugs (if desired).

[Mudlark]

I'm also 17 and although I'm still not 100% sure about romantic orientation, I think panromantic looks most likely so far :D

I found it pretty confusing to determine whether I was 'too young' or not at first--I had been questioning my (a)sexual orientation for some time beforehand, but it's only very recently that I've kind of accepted myself as an asexual--but I think you sort of know yourself after a while, and even if you do turn out to be sexual after all when you're older, well at least you'll have learned a bit about how other people feel, which is never a bad thing. That's how I see it, anyway. I haven't 'come out' to anyone in real life yet as I'm worried that no-one will take me seriously at my age; I'm sorry to hear of your experiences with other people, unfortunately asexuality seems to be so little-known that not even 'experts' get it right, which can be pretty frustrating, but hopefully it will get better in future. Welcome to the site!

[CNGB]

I was showing definite asexual "traits" when I was about four, and my best friend, who's gay, was showing definite homosexual "traits" when he was four. I think these types of things have ways of showing themselves. :)

Anyway, you've already hit puberty; if you don't feel anything now then you aren't overly likely to. I'd say your ace, but of course, it's up to you to say what you are. ^^

[JustanotherTobigirl]

my theory has always been that if you have gone through puberty you are old enough to know your sexual orientation

[Tessc]

Sexual attraction tends to begin somewhere between 9 or 10 and 14 or 15, from what I remember. 17 is definitely not too young to know your orientation.

But even if you do wind experiencing sexual attraction in the future, there's nothing wrong with identifying as asexual now. You can always change your mind.

[animanova]

Age does not always determine when you know who you are. Usually you just stick with what feels right, and what's best for you. When I was eight, I knew I was asexual. Sounds crazy, but it took me years to accept it and mainly due to not knowing what asexuality was. It happens at any age, so there is no age too young or too old to know yourself.

[Otohime]

Looking back, I could have known I was asexual just about my whole life -- if I had understood it and was old enough to understand. I remember when my mom first gave me a brief sex education when I was about 10 (I already knew the basics about sex before then). My mom was very conservative and said I would have sex with my husband after we were married. At that time, I said "nope. On my honeymoon, we'll go swimming and sailing all day and then I'll say I'm tired and just go to sleep."

As I said, this is looking back. At 10, I would have said I was asexual- but at that time all that would mean is that I didn't want sex - and it would be unfair assessment because I didn't have a clue as to what sexual attraction meant. Even at 14, I didn't understand sexual attraction to know that I didn't "have it" (although by that time I was noticing that most kids my age did "have it"). Point being, I do think sexual orientation can be discovered at a young age - certainly teenage - but it's still a confusing time that I don't think everyone is comfortable putting a label on themselves. I wouldn't have been comfortable with that. By 17 though, certainly you are old enough to understand a lot more, especially if you are researching the subject. If you aren't sure and want to use a label now that might change later (IMO everyone should be open that a person can change or discover something new about themselves), that's perfectly fine. If asexual describes you, then use it.

Also... as I understand it, depression can decrease sexual desire, but that's not the same as being asexual. And mind you, although I have experienced depression, I'm neither a professional psychologist nor a sexual person, so I may be explaining this wrongly. I understand that depression could decrease sexual desire, but that doesn't mean the same thing as nuling out all sexual attraction. It means that even if a person with depression saw a person that they found attractive, they might be less inclined to want to have sex with them... they might not have the physical or emotional ability to care as much about that. Certain medications can also decrease libido.

[Guest]

I joined aven at 13, and am now 18.

Aven can be a wonderful place for feeling less alone, especially during the hyper sexualized teen years. I advise you (and anyone, really) to be open to new experiences as they come. If you believe you are Asexual today, then you are asexual. You may not be ace at some other point in life, but sexuality is fluid and that is okay. Take care of yourself for the now because you can't anticipate the future.