Sexuals -- So, what's your situation?

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

I am just curious as to what situations are out there among our fellow users here. With that said....

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Here are my answers:

1) My wife seemed sexual at first. However, at one point she told me she was "take it or leave it" with sex. Later, that became "leave it." She also doesn't like to hug, kiss, hold hands, or massage (giving or receiving). She will accept hugs and kisses, but you can kind of tell that it isn't her thing. She knows I absolutely LOVE massages (both giving and receiving), but it is clear that I am asking for something big if I broach the subject. With that said, we have some type of sex about once a month. When she does it, I can tell that she has pumped herself up to do it because, even though it is not often and doesn't last long, she can actually do a pretty good job on occasion of making me think that she gets some sort of pleasure from it.

2) Mentally, I am all over the place. I love her a lot, and I love all other aspects of our life together. But I am who I am, and I am a very sexual person. I get resentful at times, thinking she pulled a bait-and-switch on me. It hits my self esteem sometimes. I admit that I fantasize about cheating...a lot. It is kind of my release - thinking about sex and fulfilling my fantasies actually makes me feel better than trying to stifle my sexual urges. The combination of asexuality and asensuality is really tough to handle. All things considered, we are making it work.

[Tarfeather]

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

I'm assuming you're referring to romance/sex, not hobbies, so here goes. She's probably something like aromantic, since she's never felt attracted to anyone in her life. She's also sex-repulsed due to her OCD and has no innate desire to be "sexually pleased" (whether by herself or by another). Our compromise is that she doesn't do anything she doesn't enjoy, we both feel most comfortable with that. That means there is no sex, nothing anywhere close to sexuality, no extended kissing/cuddling. Just like you, we do kiss and hug, and in her case she actually enjoys it (I'm happy about that), but only in small doses. However, she enjoys it strictly as a way to express her feelings, otherwise she has no innate desire for sensuality either.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Well, I think for me the most important thing has been to accept that this isn't a love relationship, it's a QPR or in my own words a friendship. Calling ourselves a couple is a matter of pride and an expression of just how important this friendship is. But she doesn't love me, she's said so from the beginning, and I've come to accept that she really meant it, rather than just being confused about the meaning of the word love. That said, it's a friendship where it's okay for me to desire sensuality and even sex and to express that desire (even if I'm denied), which definitely does put it on a different level from most friendships. The way we walk around hand in hand and frequently rub noses, hug and kiss, I guess nobody who sees us would expect this not to be a love relationship either. So all in all, I think I'm dealing with it pretty well these days, as I'm able to not expect too much, and instead I can pleasantly be surprised about all the things I do get in this relationship.

[Allotasm]

1) He just found out he's asexual, but he has a sex drive. I am bisexual and very sexual. When I'm single I'm fine with friends with benefits and caring one night stands (we'll get coffee or whatever and stay friends but never have sex again, that sort of thing) and it's just part of my love language. He's never been able to really understand that at all, and now I guess we figured out why. We are monogamous and would like to stay that way.

He hasn't come out to anyone else yet, I've told a friend because I needed to talk it out but he was alright with that. He's working on coming out.

There isn't honestly really any compromise. Our sex is definitely different, but he really does enjoy getting me off and we're very sensual (we're taking a massage class and try to do a lot of massage and cuddling). I'm not pro-compromise in sexual relationships, I think that can lead to a lot of unhealthy situations, and I think I'd get freaked out if I felt like i had to have sex when I didn't want to in order to keep my partner happy so I really don't ever want to do that to someone else. I mean, I have some really nice vibes, I can handle it if he's not down and I'd really rather just do that then make him do something he doesn't want to.
We're working on making sure he *KNOWS* that "no" is ok and there's no damage to not wanting something in the moment. Since it's mostly dependent on his sex drive and nothing to do with me, it's really really important we make sure he feels he can refuse without ruining the relationship or whatever he's been trained to think.

2) I had a hard time, I'm still struggling a bit. However I'm super proud of him for figuring things out and how little we had to adjust, it shows that he was already being true to himself to this point and we'd already worked around it. My nails are ace pride right now in solidarity, I know he's really worried I'm gonna run off and I want to reassure him that in no way will that happen. We've had sex since he came out and it was a little more relaxed in terms of not trying to pretend that some of it wasn't completely for me (he wants to have sex but definitely goes longer or does different things to get me off), and we made an effort to just stop and snuggle and check in. Things are looking up.
I'm trying to dance and work on loving on myself to get those feelings of sexiness I think I'm most concerned about.

[Mietsiekat]

I have been meaning to post here for a few days...but thinking my story through has been hard.

Okay so here is how my story goes...

When I met my husband sex started after a few months of dating.

I was in avery abusive relationship prior to ours and eventhough my husband turned me on there was a tiny bit of reluctance...so alot of things I never allowed like oral sex, anal sex or anal play of any kind, a kinky smack on the bum or anything like that turned me off! So eventually we got to enjoying sex the old plain romantic way. It was normally 3 to 4 times a week and some nights multiple times. That was until we got married. I never thought things would change, however, it immediately did. He stopped most things like cuddling and kissing a.w.a sex with no reason. There was always an excuse like being tired or something similar. So sex was reduced to once in two months. When I brought up the subject once he said it was because I never initiated ( we had a 50/50 initiating rep until then) so I initiated more often and then it was when he just started saying no! So being at wits end after almost 3 years he went to the doctor and everything was fine! I introduced the idea of asexuality to him and he said he is more Gray A. This obviously upsetted me alot.

But I am trying hard to make peace with it. I desire my husband immensely and I cry about 3 night of the week when he just falls asleep. There is no compromise for me(I feel this way) as it only happens when he initiates, whether once in 2 or 3 months! He says he is not asexual and he will change however it never does. So I am emotionally torn apart most days due to what I think is false hope. He never talks about what he likes or doesnt so I really dont know. Sometimes he holds me sometimes he doesnt, sometimes he kisses me sometimes he doesnt. I would rather divorce than cheat or masturbate.

So I actually dont know how to handle the current situation...

Awful for one, but I love him, and it makes things so hard.

[teagansk]

1) Early days while dating we had sex including oral and touching. I was always frustrated that I felt like I could not please her. We stopped cold turkey 6 months before our wedding. She now admits she dreaded our honeymoon (that hurt). I stupidly rationalized that sex would be great after marriage because my wife had serious hang-ups about what her family would think if she got pregnant out of wedlock. After marriage, sex was never did improve and quickly dwindled. During child bearing years I can count on 2 hands the number of times we had sex (6 year time period). We have been through tons of therapists. She has grown to understand that sex=love for me. She has never wanted sex selfishly for herself (except for when she wanted to be pregnant but that was not a physical desire for me). She does initiate but not in the normal way. We sort of have an agreement that something around 3 times per month is reasonable. She picks if/when so I guess you could call that initiating but it most certainly doesn't leave me feeling desired. She locks the door, lays down, and tells me she is ready. She is “willing” and gets enjoyment out of it but I would not know it if she didn't tell me so. Since being married, she absolutely refuses to do anything close to receiving or giving oral sex. She doesn't like to be touched intimately. She likes massages but only if it is a deep touch. Sensitive touch drives her crazy. She does not like kissing but will provide the quick peck before I leave for work in the morning. Despite what I have often thought, I now believe she does love me.

2) Oh what a difficult journey. A year or two into marriage I became depressed. It took me a few years before I learned what depression was and got treatment. Since that point (15 years ago) I have been on antidepressants most of the time. I have no idea how much of the depression was/is a result of her lack of desire but I sure blamed it on her. I regret how much I blamed her but fortunately have matured a lot since then. For most of my marriage I have felt that if my wife did love me, she sure didn't love me as much as I loved her. Today, I know that is true but not in the way I assumed. On her love scale, she loves me fully. On my love scale which includes physical desire, she doesn't love me that much but that is OK. She doesn't find me attractive but that is probably something I should not feel bad about considering she has no physical desire. I have for years and years been trying to find that therapist or magic solution that would help us with this. With each therapist, we would learn a little bit but there was never a break though until now. I have just finally started to accept the fact that this is not a disorder to be treated or a problem with our relationship but it is simply the way she is. Even if improvement was possible, she does not desire improvement so it will never change. For the first time in 20 years, I am accepting that my wife has minimal physical desire and that will never change.

To my surprise, I have found that acceptance has freed me from some of the fear of conflict that I have. I no longer need to fear that she will never love me since I better understand her mode of love. I am currently grieving the loss of hope I once had. The dream is dead. I am worried that my love for her or my physical desire for her will dwindle now. But at least I can start to regain some of my self-esteem and do a better job of being my own person. I am trying to find other indicators that I am attractive and worthy of love. I am trying to remind myself that marriage is about selflessly loving another expecting nothing in return. When I am weak (often), I feel like life is unfair and I am somehow being punished. I sometimes feel like I got cheated out of life knowing that I will never fully experience love and desire like most of our friends do. At the end of the day, I absolutely love my wife dearly and I now believe she loves me too. I would never in a million years consider meeting my physical or emotional needs outside of the marriage or leaving her. When I start to feel sorry for myself, I just have to remind myself that I am still luckier than most and the problems I have are really nothing versus some of my friends. There is no such thing as a normal relationship. Every relationship has its burdens and this happens to be ours.

[Dread_Wolf]

I know this thread doesn't really pertain to me but I just wanted to say you guys are incredible. Standing by your partners the way you do, it's so wonderful to hear. (Not that I'm saying I would blame anyone who doesn't in anyway - it's a big deal).

[capt_pantsless]

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

I'm highly sexual and my wife is a low-to-no libido, slightly touch-adverse asexual. We've been married for 10 years and at first there was plenty of sex, but after a few years of depo provera (AKA the Birth Control 'Shot') she had less and less of an interest in sex.

After 5-6 years of little sex and plenty of frustration - she came to the conclusion that she fit somewhere on the Asexual map. We talked about it, and it was a bit of a revelation for both of us. I was always fighting for her to really WANT sex with me - I wasn't very successful with romantic relationships in high-school/college so I have a deep need for acceptance. I want that external validation of someone really desiring me sexually, and that just wasn't going to happen with her - and we've made the choice to stay married and compromise. One night a week is 'cuddle night' wherein we go to bed early and talk - turn off cellphones and whatnot - usually sex will happen as well (barring menstrual cycles or illness). She's freed from any expectation of sex outside of Cuddle-Night, and I can stop searching for the one magic thing that will arouse her.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

The Asexual reveal was something of a double-edged sword - one on hand it explained why we weren't connecting sexually, (i.e. it wasn't that I'm horrible and unloveable) but it also closed the door on me getting what the 10th grade me wanted: the external validation that a woman desired me sexually.

This is, as my father would put it, "another fucking growth opportunity". I need to work towards not needing external validation - I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me, even if my wife doesn't really want to have sex with me.

[butterscotchwm]

This is, as my father would put it, "another fucking growth opportunity". I need to work towards not needing external validation - I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me, even if my wife doesn't really want to have sex with me.

Brava! I think this level of thinking and growing would help a lot of boys and young men.

I have a heterosexual male friend who's also having trouble recognizing that he doesn't need validation from people (in more ways than just sexual validation). The only person you need validation from is yourself.

[RAZS]

Tomorrow is our 5th anniversary. She hasn't let me touch her for a year (well it will be a year on March 30). She hasn't touched me since October 12,2013 so almost a year and a half. Two weeks ago she actually gave me a real kiss. It was the first one in six months.

We don't talk about sex - ever. So I have no idea where she is mentally. What I do know is that there is no snuggling or cuddling, if I roll over in the night and happen to put my hand on her in my sleep I get pushed away, I get a peck in the morning and a peck before bed.

Where am I? FRUSTRATED that's where I am. She has no interest in any kind of physical contact with me. At this point to be honest I'm not even sure I want to anymore. My heart just hurts too much.

[Tarfeather]

Brava! I think this level of thinking and growing would help a lot of boys and young men.

I have a heterosexual male friend who's also having trouble recognizing that he doesn't need validation from people (in more ways than just sexual validation). The only person you need validation from is yourself.

Depends on what you mean by "need". I can exist all by myself without other people. But I'm much happier with people around who are there for me, validate me, etc. It's a human desire and I actually have no problem with human desires.

Where am I? FRUSTRATED that's where I am. She has no interest in any kind of physical contact with me. At this point to be honest I'm not even sure I want to anymore. My heart just hurts too much.

That's terrible. >_< I would totally understand if you gave up on this relationship if touch is something you need.

[JohnSmith526]

1) me and my partner have been dating for about 6 months now and she is ace and I'm pretty sexual. As far as what we do she is big into cuddling and neutral on kissing but sex is a 100% no-no. The only sexual thing she is into is oral stimulation (me to her, never the other way xD). So we talk, hold hands, cuddle, and kiss most of the time.

2) mentally? I'm 100% ok. I knew she was ace since I first met her and I'm hella happy with her. I don't 'need' sex and I couldn't be happier spending my time with her. I love her the way she is and ive never once had a problem with her being ace.

[Tarfeather]

1) me and my partner have been dating for about 6 months now and she is ace and I'm pretty sexual. ... The only sexual thing she is into is oral stimulation

Erm, what do you mean by "into"?

[teagansk]

We don't talk about sex - ever.

This is the problem I would start with. I know a lot of people either don't believe in therapy or feel uncomfortable about it. I can tell you that it has been extremely helpful for us. I don't recommend sex therapy or any focus on sex at all. Just get comfortable talking. If I had to go back and give myself advice 15 years ago, it would be to approach the conversation with words that communicate a desire strengthen the marriage and find more happiness for both partners. This is really hard to do when there is so much frustration, sadness, and maybe even anger. I can get my wife to open up and talk but only if she doesn't feel like I am directing frustration at her but rather desire something that would make us both happier. Today we talk regularly about it but it took a lot of practice to learn how to do that well. For my situation, it means make certain my wife doesn't feel like I am attacking her in any way.

I have been married 20 years. My wife and I were almost at the point you were. We had no sex, touching or kissing for 12+ months at a time. Today, we are most certainly not a sexual couple but we are both in love and we understand each other really well. We do have sex on a regular basis. It is by no means great sex but relative to 15 years ago, it is great. It took a lot of therapy to get there. My wife still doesn't desire sex the way I wish she would but she is able to enjoy it once we get going and we only have sex when she knows she can enjoy it. There is hope for improvement.

[JohnSmith526]

1) me and my partner have been dating for about 6 months now and she is ace and I'm pretty sexual. ... The only sexual thing she is into is oral stimulation

Erm, what do you mean by "into"?

She wants to receive it and has asked for it. I would never do anything she didn't want me to.

[Studebaker]

1) When i met my bf we were both heavily involved in the local kink and fetish communities. Im a leather bear and hes a drag queen, so were both eachothers type, when it comes to sexual attraction. He did initially lie to me for the first year, being the total slut that I wanted and having sex multiple times a day. Though after a long dry spell he confided that he wasnt much into sex and hated the idea that anyone would "need another person to have an orgasm", as if thats a selfish thing to not JUST enjoy mutual masturbation. We still hit the dungeons and parties, but he doesnt play with anyone, other than dressing up and teasing men by hitting on them, them not knowing that he will never want to have sex with them. Currently im "allowed" to engage in non penetrative sex games with other men, as long as he watches and makes sure its nothing even close to a romantic thing. My bf openly admits to enjoying his solo masturbation time in the shower, but thinks that my doing it is gross and wants me to hide it from him at all costs. Despite his wanting to do mutual masturbation on VERY rare occurences, somehow thats not gross.

2) Over time and with compromise, I have learned to deal with this. Mainly by pointing out that he has a double standard, him masturbating openly, but me not being allowed to. Him hitting on men, but i cant. Weve worked it out so i can engage in sex play with other men, as long as its not sex or even bordering on anything other than "professional". It is by no means perfect to me, but its better than it was. He knows that he will have to come to grips with his insecurities and know that i wont leave him, but i NEED sex to be happy. That eventually i WILL be having sex with other men, but just because i do so, i wont be leaving him.

[Down in Texas]

I am just curious as to what situations are out there among our fellow users here. With that said....

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

1. What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

We have been married for over 42 years and have four children. Our problems began as soon as we said our “I DO’S”. We dated for almost two years during that time we talked about our future. We as Catholics attended marriage counseling before we married where they ask us questions to see if we had discussed what they thought were important questions that needed to be discussed before they would marry us. Together with us having talked before this meeting when we were given a small booklet to read together and talk about important facts in a marriage we had discussed many of the areas prior to this session. We seemed to agree on all major areas and some areas were discussed and agreed upon.

Prior to our marriage while dating we seemed to be extremely compatible, my husband loved to talk and had great plans on where he would love to live and how many children he wanted. At the time his choice of foods was limited but that quickly changed as I began to cook he seemed to like more and more and currently there is very little either one of us will not eat.

We went to dances while dating and we dance very well together and danced almost every dance and still do with the exception of the time when his knee no longer allowed him the security of not falling or being in too much pain to continue. He has now had a knee replacement but we have not as of yet tried out his abilities on the dance floor. However we are anxious to do so.

Yet sex seems to be our one and only real problem. In the beginning while dating we could not keep our hands off of each other at the end of a date. We touched just about every inch of each other while fully clothed. Back then you didn’t have sex before you married if you were “Good Christians” and we were both brought up in strictly Catholic families, he had two members of his mother family that were in Religious Orders one as a Priest and one as a Nun. So it was expected of both of us to remain virgins until we were married and we did just that. Yet at the end of each date we participated in mutually heavy petting as it was called back then…

It was not until three days after we married that things really started to show. After three days we still had not had sex and we had had plenty of chances to have accomplished this act. At the end of our third I started to cry when it was evident that he had no plans to have sex. When he asks why I was crying I ask what I had done wrong that he didn’t want to have sex with me. He said nothing and after a short time we had our first sex that was nothing anywhere close to what our Petting sessions had been close to. Thinking that once we were in our apartment things would change yet they didn’t. It soon became apparent that if there was to be any sex I was the one that would start it. So it became my position to be the initiator of all of our sex. This was fine with me since I enjoyed sex greatly and saw it as a sign of my love for him. He turned me down often back then telling me he would run out of sperm if we had sex as often as I was wanting it. Not knowing any better at the time I decided to learn more about sex since it was not something talked about back then. So I went out and bought a book so that I could get my questions answered.

As time progressed he began to turn me down more and more often. Yet until we had been married for about 20 years frequency was our main problem. After reading many books looking for answers and finding none, things took a major downward turn. One of the books I read said I was robbing my husband of his masculinity by always being the aggressor and that I needed to stop and allow him to initiate. This is what I did only to have him then ask why I didn’t Love him anymore. I showed him the page in the book and not knowing about Asexuality at that point ask him how it felt to not have the sex he expected. To which I got an “I’m sorry I never knew I was doing that to you”. So for a short time things were better. Then they slowly returned to normal with him rejecting my advances to a point that brought me to tears…

Finally I found AVEN and I finally found the answer to all the years of searching. I now knew why but still did not understand why it could be as good as it was and then come to such an abrupt ending. So I continued at that point to regain some of the sex that I so longed for.

Compromises are often made and often broken. I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that sex was on his terms due to his problem with ED. I have never pressured him for sex NEVER no matter what some may thing from my post. Yes I want sex often, yes I enjoy sex immensely however the sex I want takes two and if he is not present mentally I know it and sex then either comes to a slow stop or never starts at all.

At this stage of our marriage sex is strictly on his terms. We have sex maybe once every month or two in general. With his ED problem sex is mainly focused on him, with his fear of being able to get hard and stay hard being at the forefront of each session. He gets very upset if he is unable to stay hard or if he is not able to penetrate me as he feels that is the only way to have sex. He is not comfortable with manual mutual masturbation. I am able to stimulate him, because I am HELPING him with his erection but he is not comfortable doing the same for me. Therefore penetration is the only option to HIM.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

After 40+ years of marriage and after finding AVEN I have come to a point in my life that I can except what is and live with it not coming between my husband and myself. However that does not mean that I do not still long for what once was and wish often daily for the closeness that use to be shared between us but is now just a memory. I have also learned from talking to my husband that he has little to no memory of any of our sexual pleasure that was shared through the years. It is hard for me to understand how he can remember so much at work yet cannot remember our sex life. I have come to think of it this way: he simply does not concern himself with NEEDING to remember because he knows I am here and always will be, so there is no need for him to remember the sex in the past because to him I am not going anywhere therefore whenever he wants sex it is there for him all he needs to do is ask for it. The one thing that has never changed is that we cuddle each and every night as we fall asleep.

[Venusflytrap]

I am just curious as to what situations are out there among our fellow users here. With that said....

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

I've been with my partner for about 2 and a half years. There was clearly a problem from the start and we've never had real sex. With hindsight, his early days of faking it were so weird I should have known there and then that it was never going to happen. He has been married three times and sex was, again with hindsight, the biggest issue leading to divorce. I think by the time we met he had decided that he wasn't even going to try, though he was always the one to push the relationship forward in terms of making it more permanent and solid. Now sex and any movement towards sex is totally out of the question, no compromise and no discussion. He is comfortable being naked around me (walking round the house, in the shower), but won't touch me when he or I are naked. Kisses are pecks on the cheek. Fortunately he is very romantic - verbally, gift giving, surprises and hand holding - all good. Unfortunately, if I am too touchy-feely or sexual in any way he shuts down, moves into the spare room and withdraws. Eventually he comes back to me, once he's sure the sex monster is back in its cage.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Since finding this site I am rapidly coming to terms with it. I'm in my fifties - he in his sixties - and suddenly celibacy doesn't seem too much of a big deal. I think I can live with it and see all the positive things I get from this relationship that I don't want to give up for a roll in the hay with a stranger. I am more interested in the concept of asexuality than he is sadly. I think he's understood for a long time but no one ever quite believed him so he's stopped trying to convince anyone that it's a real thing. So far, after seeing the light, I have sat him down and apologised for all the mean things I've said and done, for my ignorance and for not hearing him when he tried to explain. However we still need another face-to-face to decide if we can go on together from here. As of today, things are happily bouncing along but with lots of stuff still unsaid.

[BloodstoneDuck]

1) I have been with my partner for three years and last year I sold my house and we used the money to buy a place together. So I am basically completely financially dependent on him for somewhere to live now.

I believe he is asexual. He shows absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. We used to fight about sex all the time, because being constantly rejected made me feel so crappy, I was depressed and suicidal a lot of the time. I used to be the hot blonde who dressed to impress, now I have had my hair cut short and I don't shave my legs/underarms/anywhere and I get around in drab old clothes because it doesn't matter what I do, he never shows any interest in me.

We have sex sometimes, but I always initiate. Mostly I just feel disgusting and undesirable. I would love to be able to be even mildly sexually adventurous, but it always has to be in bed, in the same positions, I have to be freshly showered and he can only finish if he can't see my face. He spends the whole time with is eyes closed, or we do it in the dark. He has admitted to fantasising about other women in order to come faster.

There is no compromise, really. When I get upset about the situation he tells me I am being ridiculous and unreasonable. He gets really mad. I asked him if he wanted to give up sex altogether, and he said he didn't. I think he likes knowing that I am attracted to him and that if he ever did want to have sex I would be available.

2) I am going crazy. I am starting to think about looking elsewhere. I love sex and I feel like a big part of who I am is being dismissed as though it doesn't mean anything. If I had known that my partner was not into it in the beginning I would have passed him on and kept looking. He is so callous about it, like I am the one with the problem. He tells me I should control my feelings better. I thought I could accept it, learn to live with not having sex for weeks, but there is no payoff. It's not like he is emotionally supportive and we don't share any interests. We don't go out or do anything together. He says this is my fault because I don't organise or suggest anything. I don't see much point in staying in a fancy hotel if I am going to spend the whole time feeling like crap because my own partner doesn't want to have sex with me. I am finding it impossible to get on with my life because I am always trying to fix this problem that there is no solution to. It sucks the life out of me and leaves me paralysed. I waste days just feeling trapped and unable to get up and move. I am crying and sobbing right now.

But on the surface I am patient and kind. I will tell him that I want him but not make it a request for sex and not pursue him at all. He likes feeling wanted. I would like to feel wanted. I would like to not be told that trying to initiate sex is 'picking a fight'. I cook his dinner and look after him and wish that he would one day look at me and see what he is missing out on. But I know that will never happen.

[Sally]

1) I have been with my partner for three years and last year I sold my house and we used the money to buy a place together. So I am basically completely financially dependent on him for somewhere to live now.

You are no more dependent on him than he is on you; in fact, since it sounds like you contributed the money to buy the house, it's more yours legally than his.

[Farlie64]

1) What is the situation with your significant other? In other words, what are his or her likes and dislikes - and how much compromise is there?

Capt. America likes to have sex about once every 1 or 2 months. Basically, usually he likes it quick and simple, and never more than once no matter how much I beg. Kissing is always without tongue unless I press the issue. However he is a major romanic, loves to cuddle and be close, but if it's not that particular day that he's into it, he'll shit down all further advances from myself quickly and quietly.

Basically after so so many arguments we've come to the point where I've basically stopped initaitng, and stopped bringing it up and causing fights about it. Because I don't try anymore, it doesn't hurt as much. That's our compromise. I tried to bring up getting my needs fulfilled elsewhere, or an open marraige but he was not having a bar of it. I won't leave him; I adore him, and every other aspect of our relationship is just about perfect.

2) Where are you at mentally these days in terms of being able to grasp and accept it?

Depends on my mood. I'm 22, we've been married for 2 years, this is when we're suppose to be clearing the dining table as we haphazardly undress each other. Some days I feel so angry and cheated by effectively being forced into semi-celibacy. Other days I just shrug it off and take care of myself.

[infinategrey]

1. My girlfriend and I have been together 6 years now. I've never told her about my disinterest in sex. She just thinks I have a low sex drive. She bas the sex drive of a teenage boy. Shes basically made of lust. I had a discussion with her long ago that I wasn't having sex that much and when I say no I mean it. She didn't really listen at first then when I started shutting her down all the time she realized I was serious. So little as I wanted wasn't near enough for her. Me being the logical, analytical person I am, I realized she can't just shut off her primal instincts. So I started watching liads of porn and asking her about her fantasies and what she wanted. Through this research I was able to figure out what she thought I was SUPPOSED to be. Now I can"fake" my way through things pretty well for her sake well enough to keep her drive down to a tolerable level. Aside from the feeling of disgust afterwards I don't mibd the level of comprimise.

2. For me, mentally, it seemed easier to find a level of comprimise on my own rather than involve her in the process and spurr on a long period of stressfull arguments and resentment. With the exception of post coital repulsion, I've gotten pretty ok with the comprimise I've created. She's happy, I'm happy enough. And that works for me.

[Guest]

1) I have been with my partner for three years and last year I sold my house and we used the money to buy a place together. So I am basically completely financially dependent on him for somewhere to live now.

I believe he is asexual. He shows absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. We used to fight about sex all the time, because being constantly rejected made me feel so crappy, I was depressed and suicidal a lot of the time. I used to be the hot blonde who dressed to impress, now I have had my hair cut short and I don't shave my legs/underarms/anywhere and I get around in drab old clothes because it doesn't matter what I do, he never shows any interest in me.

We have sex sometimes, but I always initiate. Mostly I just feel disgusting and undesirable. I would love to be able to be even mildly sexually adventurous, but it always has to be in bed, in the same positions, I have to be freshly showered and he can only finish if he can't see my face. He spends the whole time with is eyes closed, or we do it in the dark. He has admitted to fantasising about other women in order to come faster.

There is no compromise, really. When I get upset about the situation he tells me I am being ridiculous and unreasonable. He gets really mad. I asked him if he wanted to give up sex altogether, and he said he didn't. I think he likes knowing that I am attracted to him and that if he ever did want to have sex I would be available.

Sorry, but he doesn't particularly sound asexual as much as he sounds like a jerk. He has to hide your face and fantasize about someone else during sex to get off? Erm. :S

If you sold the house you owned and moved into a new one with him, I would look into what legal options you have to get out of house and get some of your money back, if you are only staying due to finances. It's a shared asset. You have some rights there (I assume you put it in both your names). In the U.S., often the court will order the house owned together sold during a breakup, or allow one or the other to buy the other half. Don't just give up, if you want to leave, contact a lawyer.

If you don't want to leave, then ... not sure what to say. :(

[Tarfeather]

Sorry, but he doesn't particularly sound asexual as much as he sounds like a jerk. He has to hide your face and fantasize about someone else during sex to get off? Erm. :S

Ehh, I don't see how that qualifies as "jerk". When you're not attracted to someone for whatever reason, you're not attracted to them. You can't help that. And as man, you need to be highly aroused to have penetrative sex. If your partner doesn't do that for you, yeah, that's an issue. Maybe he thinks it's still better to have sex and imagine someone else, than not to have sex at all. Doesn't necessarily make him a jerk.

[Guest]

Sorry, but he doesn't particularly sound asexual as much as he sounds like a jerk. He has to hide your face and fantasize about someone else during sex to get off? Erm. :S

Ehh, I don't see how that qualifies as "jerk". When you're not attracted to someone for whatever reason, you're not attracted to them. You can't help that. And as man, you need to be highly aroused to have penetrative sex. If your partner doesn't do that for you, yeah, that's an issue. Maybe he thinks it's still better to have sex and imagine someone else, than not to have sex at all. Doesn't necessarily make him a jerk.

When your long-term partner is already self-esteem destroyed from you not wanting her, you do that and tell her and tell her she just needs to control her emotions better? Sounds more like trying to beat your partners self-esteem even lower to me. It's one thing if you, mentally, have to take yourself out of a situation (though, really, if you know it's going to destroy your partner why tell her? ... that's like having a sex dream about your neighbor your partner is already fretting is way prettier and then going "Hey, honey guess what? I had an AWESOME SEX DREAM ABOUT HER LAST NIGHT! You're right, she probably looks WAY prettier than you naked!"). It's one thing if you're partner's OK with it. It's another to be basically "put this paper bag over your head so I can pretend you're someone else, oh stop getting upset, control yourself" ...

And yes, it's entirely possible he doesn't MEAN to be a jerk to her (people can be pretty mean through sheer ignorance). But, that's pretty cruel behavior whether purposeful or not. And doesn't lend to "I am not attracted to ANYONE" like an asexual.

[BloodstoneDuck]

Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

I am in Australia. The house we bought together can't be sold until December at the earliest because over here if you buy and sell a property within a year you lose a big chunk of money in tax. So I am stuck here until at least then.

I can't afford to keep the property on my own, and he can't afford to buy me out. He earns double what I do. The mortgage is more than my entire wage each month, and I have two kids. Buying and selling each time costs you around $40k in fees. I could have afforded a place on my own instead of buying this when I sold my own place. I can't now. I could get out if I really tried, but it would be incredibly difficult and I don't know if I would survive it. I am fragile enough as it is.

I am going to sign up for counselling. He said he has no interest in talking to anyone about our problem. I think a lot of what he says is a cover-up, trying to save face and put the blame on me for his lack of sexual attraction. Someone above mentioned my lack of self esteem. Last night he told me that he finds confidence sexy. How can I be confident when everything I do gets criticised? He said I should just do what makes me happy, as long as it doesn't affect him. I can't be happy with a partner who is not interested in me, who makes me feel ugly and stupid and worthless.

[Guest]

Well, if he said do whatever as long as it doesn't involve him... could you work on yourself, try to regain some of your confidence away from him, until the house can be put up for sale and you can leave? :) May be tougher having to live with him, but with the counseling, it might be possible. Then you can be ready to get out on your own once it sells.

[Tarfeather]

@Serran

When I get upset about the situation he tells me I am being ridiculous and unreasonable.

I missed that sentence. I see your point now.

[Lorax222]

Unlike a lot of people in this thread, asexuality has been pretty good for my relationship. My partner trusts me a lot more now the she has come out as ace and she became convinced that I would still love her even if she was ace. I have one other sweetie who I have become close to, we don't have nearly as much sex as I would like but it's enough to keep me satisfied. Recently rekindled a relationship with my best friends twin sister ( less awkward than you would think...) but it's a lot harder to get sex than I thought it would be....

[Saucy]

I have been with the same partner for several years -- she does not ID as asexual, but her behavior is just really asexual and she wants to "change" and continues to claim she does not feel asexual, but feels sexual -- she just clearly does not express that sexuality to me *at all* if she's really feeling it inside. The sex was weird in the beginning, then awful, and then it just stopped. All touch from her feels totally void of sexual energy, just inert, so in that sense it's *hard to* believe she has those feelings in her as I've had such vastly different and deeper sexual connections with other people.

I asked for non-monogamy and she agreed a couple of years ago which helps but I'm not physically able to act on it much (though I'm the one who wants it) -- I do value many things about the relationship, its just that we also do argue pretty much constantly about the lack of sex/intimacy/sexuality, and to me love just doesn't transcend that deep connecting that comes with a present, intact sexuality in a relationship. Without being sexually recognized, I don't really feel seen, don't feel like myself, and don't feel intimate. I wish I could override that but I don't feel like I'm capable of it.

It helps to read the perspectives from asexuals and see things from that viewpoint and I appreciate the honesty and straightforwardness that a lot of sexual-asexual relationships seem to have, based on these forums -- I think for me, the covertness and shame around some of it in my own relationship, despite some conversation, is possibly the hardest part because then it's hard to find common ground. I also don't feel like anyone could change me into "accepting" a fully-asexual relationship, as I just don't experience the fullness of love or love via that channel whereas it seems like some people probably do. I get it that we all love in different ways, I don't think it's right or wrong but it *is* often innate and unchanging.

[GeorgeS]

I am just curious as to what situations are out there among our fellow users here. With that said....

1. I have been married to my wife for over 20 years and have been celibate for nearly 11. In fact, my wife and I have had sex only once in over 15 years. Unfortunately for me, I am VERY sexual and my wife is Very much asexual. We are polar opposites. After marriage, with the exception of 2 times, our only sex was for inception. We have 3 teenage children.

While dating, we had sex often and it appeared as though she really enjoyed it. Now, even the thought of anything related to sex nearly makes her sick. She thinks cuddling, kissing and even holding hands is just ridiculous for 50 year old married couples. She gets very disgusted and angry when I try to talk to her about it. Recently, I really pressed the issue of wanting sex, and she just started yelling at me telling me to have my way with her and threw off her clothes. Needless to say, nothing happened.

She has no physical attraction to me whatsoever. Once, I shaved my pubic hair and walked around naked in our bedroom for 2 months before she even noticed me. In 20 years, I have tried everything I know to try to get her to be physically attracted to to me, but nothing.

15 years ago, she hurt her back and said that sex was too painful for her. I was ok back then, because I didn't want to hurt her. Now her back is fine and I am really struggling. However, she simply does't seem to understand my need to connect sexually with her.

Ironically, my wife is a psychologist and more specifically a marriage therapist! She is not at all open to discussing this topic with me. All she does when I bring this up and ask to talk is give me the "close your mouth" hand gesture.

2. I have not coped with my situation well at all. In attempts to get her to notice me, I have lost and gained weight (currently I am a 200 pound body builder type). I went through very dark periods of depression and am currently working my way out of it. I have exhibited many, many signs of sexual frustration, but have never had a single extramarital affair. I don't want to leave her right now because our children are in high school, but am not discounting the possibility of leaving later. I really enjoy the family and the children give great joy.

The constant and long term rejection has destroyed my confidence. Until reading about asexuality on this site, I felt inferior to other men that seemingly could please their wives sexually. I really long for a time when someone is attracted to me. I feel as though I was duped for so long and I feel that I was used for the big monthly paycheck I brought in.

My one question is, how can a person be romantic and sexual before a marriage and then be totally a romantic and asexual after??