SorryNotSorry Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm just downright uneasy about getting involved with anyone who already has an established relationship with their kid(s), but even more than that, I doubt that someone who's a juvenile delinquent kid at heart can ever have a positive relationship with someone who's a parent, and I say so as a former boy whose mother didn't allow him to do much of anything most 1970s-era kids would have considered "fun". Believe me, I've met some parents (moms AND dads) who were real killjoys. I can't imagine dating one. Link to post Share on other sites
Perseus Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I get where you are coming from. I am exactly the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet988 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I could never date someone with kids. To be honest, I already find it hard to date someone who's not a virgin...I can't help thinking less of somebody when I find out they had sex before Link to post Share on other sites
Member7783 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I won't date a woman who has children or who wants them, and I don't make a secret of that fact. It amuses me that me being an asexual (and quite open about my orientation and views) gets more dates than most sexual men. In a slow month, I still go out on 4 or 5 dates. Most of them don't get past a second date, but by that time they're expecting that I'll be making my bid for sex even though I've explained that I'm not interested (I guess they think I just SAY that to seem like a nice guy...idiots). Funny enough though, when I explain I'm not interested to someone who has children, that's usually the trigger for them to unleash their real personality...the head bobbing, finger snapping, profanity slinging BITCH comes out. Yeah, not someone that I'd even consider taking out for a meal and conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Criminy... I've had women with kids (or just wanted them) get all sad and try to guilt me, but never had any get angry and go volcanic on me! I'd DEFINITELY never date any woman who can't control her temper! Link to post Share on other sites
Vivaldi Ives Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I think it would be really hard to date someone with kids. If they don't have a partner, their child is probably the most important person in the world to them, and I couldn't compete with that. Also, a single parent is likely to have had prior relationship issues (such as divorce) unless they were widowed, and I'd much prefer to date someone who doesn't have a history of failed relationships. Then again...feel free to ignore everything I say here, because I have never actually dated anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
yellow Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I've never wanted children, so I've never wanted to date anyone who already had children, lest the relationship work out and I end up being a step mother. I did break my rule though once, and dated a man who had a child. Total trainwreck, for so many reasons, only a few of which involved the child. I won't ever date someone with children again, unless they're grown and out of the house. Link to post Share on other sites
coyote55 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I wouldn't rule out dating someone with kids, myself, but I'm at the point where my partners would be more likely to have grandkids. That's an easier situation to work into, and would actually be pretty cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Tessc Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I feel the same way, but more because I actually really don't like children in general. There is just something about a loud, rude, sticky, smelly little thing that insists on climbing all over me and shrieking that I can't warm to. It wouldn't be fair for me to date someone who had one (or *shudder* more) of them and expect it to work out. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I think I've just stumbled into a strange alternate universe where people grow as adults on trees and mothers with kids are like those weird old cat ladies. Meanwhile in my universe, kids are something essential for the survival of our species, and I have nothing but respect for those women willing to brave the pain of bearing a child and the risks of having to raise that child by themselves. Also, by pure coincidence, someone very close and important to me was a mother with children(guess who). Even more amazing, once upon a time, I was a child myself, so somehow I can relate to those with the grave disease of childishness. Link to post Share on other sites
Alan Degas Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Not to be overly judgy... But those of you strongly opposed to dating someone who has kids, don't you think that it's possible that this stems from personal insecurity? Unless you just really don't like kids. That's fair enough. Or you don't want the potential shared responsibility of parenting. That's also understandable. But not wanting to date someone who has kids because it means they already "have someone in their life". Wtf? Love is not a limited resource. A single parent doesn't have less love to give. As for parents not being " kids at heart". Being a parent doesn't automatically make you boring. If anything, for lots of people, being a parent rekindles that sense of wonder and curiosity that so many lose as they turn into adults. Link to post Share on other sites
marki Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Not at all. Some people on this forum are genuinely not interested in kids and do not like them. And yeah to try to date someone who has kids would be rather impossible if you don't know how to act around them and don't like them. It would be like someone who is afraid of snakes dating a girl who has a reptile rehab center with over 200 snakes in the house. That wouldn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Schrecken Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 At my age, finding someone who doesn't have kids (I'm 44, and I would date those up to about 15 years older than myself and maybe 10 years younger) would be really tough to do. My boyfriend has a son and daughter, and both are in their 20's, and his son has a child of his own (so yeah, I'm dating someone's grandfather.... ), and that doesn't bother me at all. They are grown up, have their own lives, and I don't feel I have to compete with them for his time. I would be a bit apprehensive, though, about dating a man who has kids under 18 or dependent kids, even if he doesn't have custody. I'm not crazy about little kids, and teens can be moody, and I don't know how well I'd feel - or do, as a step parent if things went that far. Problem is, when you are asexual, especially an older asexual, your choices are naturally limited by that and you may have to make some concessions along the way. Not saying you have to settle, but you may not be able to find exactly what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Touchofinsight Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I don't like kids, want kids, or have to deal with a partner who has kids and there is a big difference between a mom and a single women to me. The dynamic of the relationship changes immensely. I am not speaking of that stereotype that every relationship is going to looking at you like the new dad either, just basic common logistics. Frankly speaking all the adversity of having children that single parents have become accustom to are something that can be completely avoided by single people. Its not like parents are afflicted with some plague but single people have the freedom of choice to forge the best possible relationship for them and for many not having children is an integral part of that equation. As I am getting older it will become increasingly difficult statistically to find someone who doesn't have kids but I'd rather be alone and happy then settle and deal with everything that comes with having kids and make all the sacrifices I have made to not have children in my life be made in vain. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleKoolaid Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I personally do not want to have kids, but i would not rule out dating someone who has kids (this would apply later on in my life as if i met someone who is currently in their 20s like me and they already had kids, i would run. but if we were both in our 30's or 40's then that would not be a problem). (I'm thinking this in terms of a 'mixed' relationship) but i guess my logic would be that if the guy already had kids and got that all out of his system, he wouldn't want/need to have any with me. I just wouldn't believe a straight young male saying that he doesn't want to have kids, even if he meant it at the time, there is no guarantee that he wouldn't change his mind and either leave me for someone who wants kids or resent me the rest of his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Antonnotna Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I couldn't date someone that already has kids. The idea of me dating someone who is already a parent is just really really off-putting. I don't dislike kids at all though, and I may even wan't kids in the future, but dating someone who already has kids is a big NO! Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 I'm not sure why even my own mother wanted me to father kids. Kill your kids, spoil your grandkids, is my best guess. My mother was from another planet. IME people who have kids tend to chuck logic completely out the window more often than we kidless people do. That said, my late mother had no idea I'd be the dad from hell (every rambunctious kid's dream) who'd have CPS gestapoids kicking his front door in for letting little Junior and Sis play with all the cool, DANGEROUS toys I was never allowed to have as a kid. I actually said that to my mother once, and you should have seen the color disappear from her face... Could you imagine dating a single dad like me, the one who did a few stints in jail for letting his little daughters pepper the 'hood with BBs and tear around the streets on go-karts??? My guess is most women would be terrified of dating such a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Igzat Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I always said I would never date anyone with kids, but as I get older I realize that this is unrealistic and that once I hit the age bracket where my potential dates have GROWN UP kids, there will start to be exceptions to this rule. Until then, no way. I don't like being around kids. They make me uncomfortable. I've gotten better with kids in general, but I still don't want them in my personal life. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronte Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 It's a no-go zone for me. I don't relate to anyone with kids anyway, I think they have a completely different outlook on life to what a child free person would have, and there would be too much compromise in a relationship. It's not an attractive option for sure, would rather be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruqiah Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I don't want kids nor do I want to date someone who has them. Its not insecurity. Its practical for the person I am. I am not a nurturing person. I'm career oriented. I travel. I don't like kids. I don't want to take care of kids. I don't want to be single one moment then suddenly have to interact with the kids in my SO's life. I don't want to be a mother in any context, simple as that. Also, I agree with Bronte. I don't relate with mothers, I am not one and I don't have the capacity or patience for having to take on another's kid. Parents and childless people do have different outlooks and I prefer living childless. I also feel that there would be too much compromise in it. I will say that i have respect for single parents trying to raise a kid. Its hard to do it and they generally have to put their life on hold to make it happen. But for reasons i stated above, i wont date anyone who has kids. It may work for some people and I do know some folk who are OK with it. Its just not for me. Also, I think it takes great courage to recognise that you don't want it or arent ready or in a position to take on another's kid. It represents a surity of your desires and how much responsibility you either don't want or can't handle. Link to post Share on other sites
TooOldForThis Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Well I don't like kids (my greatest shame is that I once was one :P), so I certainly wouldn't date someone who had young children living with them. However, if in the (probably distant) future I met someone who had kids who were grown up and living independently, and thus not actually children anymore, I wouldn't mind dating that person. I don't have a problem with the idea of dating a parent; I just don't want anything to do with actual kids. The original poster brought up the interesting concept of dating a parent whilst being relatively childish oneself. I wonder if the issue there might be the fear that any relationship would transform into something approximating a parent/child paradigm? I don't consider myself especially childish, but I'd enjoy hearing thoughts on the idea from anyone who does. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalathisisboring Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Hello, I noticed the birdie in your profile pic and just had to say that he/she's so adorable! ...I agree with you about the kids thing as well. I can't stand them. I feel the same way, but more because I actually really don't like children in general. There is just something about a loud, rude, sticky, smelly little thing that insists on climbing all over me and shrieking that I can't warm to. It wouldn't be fair for me to date someone who had one (or *shudder* more) of them and expect it to work out. :) Link to post Share on other sites
aerosemyth Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 This is a very interesting thread for me to read... TBH I half expected to feel offended by the comments (because I am a single parent) but I honestly agree with every single one. I would not date someone who didn't want to date someone who had kids either! lolA special thank you to those who can still show respect to the single parents though. For some perspective: I'm actually not looking for someone to fill a vacant position in my kids' life. I got this covered! But it's true... we do have certain perspectives and limitations that weren't there before having kids. I know I would travel so much more if things weren't what they are, but by nature I'd still feel like I was missing out. I was meant to be a mother, and I do a damn good job of it. I don't want to date someone who feels they have to help... really, I got this. But I definitely deserve someone who can not only accepts but also appreciates who I am as a person-- which includes being a mother. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has kids... but please keep respecting those who do! I get real frustrated about the whole "not wanting to date someone who's been through a divorce" thing because we all mistakes... please don't judge someone by their past, there's a reason they don't live there anymore! (And you'll be excluding the women who, like me, are stronger, happier, and healthier because of a divorce instead of bitter and hateful.) Link to post Share on other sites
Cimmerian Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I agree, this thread has stayed quite relaxed about the topic. I won't necessarily not date someone with kids, but I don't prefer to (unless they are grown as a few other posters have mentioned) because I don't feel it's fair to the person with the kids or to me. I genuinely like kids (spoiling them short-term and sending them home to their parents is perfect!)... I just don't want to raise them, so it wouldn't be fair of me to seriously date someone that I could never see being with long-term because they have kids and I have no interest in raising them. They are a responsibility I feel I'd likely resent and I'd never want any kid or my partner to experience it. I've been responsible most of my life and I'm not looking to take on more of it when I'm looking for love. I always view it as: I was responsible in the past so I could be more free and spontaneous in the future. I want the free-spiritedness and ability to just get up and go somewhere on a whim.... and I know I can't do that if I have kids so I made the conscious decision it's better to acknowledge that I want to be selfish for the rest of my life than try to ignore that and end up hurting someone else and/or kids in the process. I feel for single parents who are dating, it's hard and I imagine they run into the "I don't want to date someone with kids" a lot. =/ Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted February 22, 2015 Share Posted February 22, 2015 I dated someone with 2 kids once, and I woudnt do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
The Maple Leaf Forever Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I would not date someone with kids for reasons that are to a greater or lesser extent similar to those of the OP. I have convictions about the rights children should have that are rather removed from those of most parents. If I were in a partnership with a person with kids, unless she was one of the very few people out there who share my convictions on how children should be raised, there would definitely be conflict - I couldn't just stand by and watch my partner imposing rules I don't agree with on her children. I would come to the children's defense and would not myself participate in enforcing such rules. In standard parent parlance, I would be undermining my partner's parental authority. This would surely result in conflict and, in all likelihood a breakup/divorce. So it would definitely be unwise of me to date a woman with kids. Far better to date someone with a puppy...or a chameleon for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
AesexualityForDummies Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I kind of love the idea of dating someone with kids; all kids are great as long as they are not my own descendants. Plus, if someone wanted kids, and they already had kids--awesome! They did the messy part with the blood and cervical tissue; now I get to do their homework with them and play tag! I don't really associate kids with a loss of freedom; I know a lot of people seem to give up all points of interest in their lives when they have kids in order to provide them with a "normal" life, but one certainly doesn't have to do this. The funny part is that a plan for a "normal" lifestyle often ends up actually hurting the kids, who are exposed to fewer points of view and get less chances to learn. To my mind, raising a kid is a chance to do interesting things with them, broaden their minds, and make them into the most excellent adult in the world. I believe pretty firmly that all kids have the ability to be a)exploratory, and b) empathetic, so long as they are not encouraged to be rude or rigid by their parent(s). I wouldn't be interested in a partner who's a rigid parent, but I also wouldn't be interested in a rigid partner in general. Someone who really believes in the potential of their kid and wants them to learn and have fun would be a really great person to date; I think it would be a sign that they have high expectations for everyone. Anyhow, to each their own! It's awesome that people who don't want to be around kids don't have to be around kids, and people who want to be around kids can be around kids! Social libertarianism, bros! Link to post Share on other sites
divided_sky Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Definitely not. I don't like kids at all, don't want one in my life in any capacity. I feel as though they would only get in the way of our relationship. I have no idea how to act around them, how to relate to them, and have no tolerance for any of their needs. Yeah, I'm a warm hearted guy :p Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 To reiterate, it's probably not such a hot idea for someone who's a kid at heart to actually have kids, or even want them. Seriously, how many women with kids would want me teaching little Junior "no, you have to be smarter than that, make sure the fuse is over a foot long..." Mom's reaction: D-8 Or, "now be careful---remember to point the hair spray nozzle AWAY from yourself, and toward the match..." Mom's reaction: D-8 I won't even bring up the idea of teaching a kid how to use power tools, because moms would be like D-8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lynxe Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Oh, this topic makes me so sad. My girlfriend has a gorgeous 5 year old, who lights up both our lives. I couldn't imagine my life any other way now, Link to post Share on other sites
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